blaming "hook-up culture" seems slightly off the mark to me (and i'm not convinced it's so universal either). you don't have to wade through casual sex if you don't want to, but no given way of meeting new people is going to give you an idealised long-term relationship just because you want one. awkward dead-end first dates during which you realise you have nothing in common with the person opposite you aren't going to make you feel any better than emotionless random hook-ups, give or take a hangover.
(there's really no guaranteed route to finding yourself a life partner - drunken hook-ups can certainly be one, though, i think the most stable and long-term marriage i know started with a drunken hook-up - and you probably have to accept that on some level. i don't feel that hook-up culture "benefits no one" even if it doesn't lead anywhere.)
― lex pretend, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 10:09 (nine years ago) link
a lot of women like tinder because you can't be bothered by dudes until you've liked them. something to think about.
― goole, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 17:48 (nine years ago) link
Their romance operandi — hooking up and hanging out — flouts the golden rule of what makes marriages and love work: emotional vulnerability.
oh that's the goldren rule?
― goole, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 17:49 (nine years ago) link
xp it wouldn't take much for okcupid to implement such a system as well. it can also be implemented unofficially - my gf and i only started messaging after we'd both 'liked' each other
― imago, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 17:50 (nine years ago) link
in my world of young people i.e. the under-25s i know there's definitely much more fluidity between friendship and romance and seemingly less of a need to define relationship statuses than there is w/ people even just a few years older
― Merdeyeux, Monday, December 15, 2014 10:36 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
I think some of this might be age rather than generation, like people under 25 tend to have more of a "cool with whatever" attitude, or pretend to have one even if they don't. Getting older makes you pickier about your relationship choices and definitions. For some reason I often think of a female friend who described an internet date experience like this: "So when we went back to my apartment, he was like 'so listen, I just got out of a divorce, and I'm just not up for anything too serious right now, is that ok?' And I was like, 'you know what, no, that's not ok. I don't want this kind of thing anymore.'"
― man alive, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 18:22 (nine years ago) link
i've been thinking about this and i realized that in order to know whether i want to associate with someone, i only feel totally comfortable when i'm able to see how they treat other people. i need to observe their behavior a little bit. this is another reason it's important to meet ppl irl. it works on ilx too, but okc or dating app wouldn't really allow you to see that sort of thing.
― vigetable (La Lechera), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 18:41 (nine years ago) link
that's pretty fair, man alive!
I've had (and friends have had) the opposite experience where you're dating someone who's going through a divorce and it's like, idk, I'm not going to be able to give you a 100% commitment because you are still married to some other person
― valleys of your mind (mh), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 18:47 (nine years ago) link
xp man alive yeah that sounds legit, better to be honest about intention and call it off early
― Nhex, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 18:52 (nine years ago) link
i've been thinking about this and i realized that in order to know whether i want to associate with someone, i only feel totally comfortable when i'm able to see how they treat other people. i need to observe their behavior a little bit. this is another reason it's important to meet ppl irl. it works on ilx too, but okc or dating app wouldn't really allow you to see that sort of thing.― vigetable (La Lechera), Tuesday, December 16, 2014 6:41 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
― vigetable (La Lechera), Tuesday, December 16, 2014 6:41 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
A woman I know once told me this. It is something so obvious, practical and common sense yet I realised almost no one I had ever met thought like this. Or, more precisely, few people I had met chose a serious mate based on this concept. That in itself was a shock to me, which is why I was initially so shocked by its practicality when she told me it.
― ∞, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:00 (nine years ago) link
? that's what the first date is for
― goole, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:02 (nine years ago) link
― Nhex, Tuesday, December 16, 2014 1:52 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
Yeah, I mean point being that it's an example I think of of people who were "cool with whatever" when they were younger who hit an age where suddenly they realize they're not.
― man alive, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:03 (nine years ago) link
imo the only benefit of apps and websites is to meet people you might otherwise never run into in your life as-is. you only have so many friends-of-friends, work acquaintances, neighborhood whoevers. other than that, the technology doesn't really do anything. you still have to do whatever it is you do when you meet someone.
i mean, it used to be your parents or busybodies from your church doing this stuff; thank god those days are long gone
― goole, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:06 (nine years ago) link
or they've experienced enough "whatever" to know what they're not cool with xp
― valleys of your mind (mh), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:07 (nine years ago) link
― goole, Tuesday, December 16, 2014 8:02 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
not the people i know. but i guess that says more of those around me. i'm sure it is much more common in other circles, so i believe what you say. hope this doesn't sound too 'contradictory'/paradoxical
― ∞, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:08 (nine years ago) link
if you don't notice how your dates/friends treat others, you should probably think about how you treat others
― valleys of your mind (mh), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:10 (nine years ago) link
it has nothing to do with noticing, it has more to do with what qualities you prioritise in your mate, your previous experiences in relationships, and many other variables.
i'm sure many people live clear-cut lives, but many others are stuck in the complexities of relationships, trauma, love, etc.
― ∞, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:12 (nine years ago) link
I have no idea what a clear-cut life is, but basic human interactions with others are a clear indicator of how you're going to interact, long-term
― valleys of your mind (mh), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:14 (nine years ago) link
i think in theory i agree with you, and try to act that way myself, but unfortunately human interactions aren't always laid out simply and people don't talk about their feelings/intentions. i think favouring healthy relationships is obviously a start, but relationships don't seem so 'logical' and intentions are not so 'clear-cut', is what i'm saying. a large portion of 'casual' relationships are based on an "absence of decision"...which is what i guess you guys are calling "cool w whtvr".
and people are not always themselves in the first few dates. there's always this motivation to impress and overcompensate. and asking a slew of serious/interrogatory questions will put your date off pretty soon, i'd wager. but maybe this is a generational thing.
― ∞, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:21 (nine years ago) link
I think we're talking about more key things you can pick up on right away, like "does this person treat the wait staff of a restaurant like human beings"
― valleys of your mind (mh), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:23 (nine years ago) link
is being visibly terrified of everyone a swipe left or swipe right?
― example (crüt), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:24 (nine years ago) link
nb i don't know which direction is the positive one
kind of nervously swipe back and forth until the card flies off the screen
― valleys of your mind (mh), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:26 (nine years ago) link
― valleys of your mind (mh), Tuesday, December 16, 2014 8:23 PM (7 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
i'm not sure how that is a key thing, unless you notice your date is treating them poorly. If they treatment them normally/politely, i wouldn't think the person is necessarily a better person. but yeah, this is part of what different people prioritise, i suppose.
in my experience, most people around me have not mistreated waiters, so it's hard to tell who they really were based on these general human interactions, where everyone kind of acts accordingly--i want to say basic human decency?
― ∞, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:30 (nine years ago) link
you have been lucky enough not to run into people who lack decency, then!
― valleys of your mind (mh), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:31 (nine years ago) link
also stuff like "does this person frequently make jokes at the expense of others" or "does this person get into heated arguments over petty things" -- does this person have a baseline level of personal integrity? no profile would be able to tell me that. i'd have to see it for myself.
― vigetable (La Lechera), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:31 (nine years ago) link
xp
yeah, i'm willing to concede to that, because i spent most of my life in a medium-sized city. huge cities tend to be pretty surreal to me, so yeah
― ∞, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:33 (nine years ago) link
LL otm, also people who talk over you in person or don't seem interested in engaging with what you're saying -- it's harder to fake that online.
I have no idea what size of the city has to do with it! I've seen people be jerks everywhere.
― valleys of your mind (mh), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:38 (nine years ago) link
― vigetable (La Lechera), Tuesday, December 16, 2014 9:31 PM (16 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
While this is entirely true, one gets a sense of another person fairly quickly though right? Three or four emails back and forth, how the other person reacts, tells you loads no? I've not had a single bad experience with internet dating. And certainly no things like people acting rude in public or anything. Intuition and a general sense of the other person, even if only after a couple of letters, weeds out traits like this. At least it has done for me. (But then I haven't tried tinder and always write with someone for a week or two first)
― a pleasant little psychedelic detour in the elevator (Amory Blaine), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 20:52 (nine years ago) link
Three or four emails back and forth, how the other person reacts, tells you loads no? It tells you loads of stuff that they're willing to show you. Not the full picture by any stretch. I don't trust people easily though -- this is probably already abundantly clear.
― vigetable (La Lechera), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 21:00 (nine years ago) link
― example (crüt), Tuesday, December 16, 2014 3:24 PM (41 minutes ago) Bookmark
You found the girl from Pomplamoose on Tinder?
― 龜, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 21:16 (nine years ago) link
Three or four emails back and forth, how the other person reacts, tells you loads no?
It tells you loads of stuff that they're willing to show you. Not the full picture by any stretch. I don't trust people easily though -- this is probably already abundantly clear.
― vigetable (La Lechera), Tuesday, December 16, 2014 10:00 PM (23 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
Didn't want to be disrespectful LL, and am sorry if it came across that way. And I truly understand. The full story cannot be told in a couple of emails, I agree. No one can, we - the 'good ones', the ones not meaning harm - can't. My experience has been solely pleasant so far, even if it didn't work out in the end; the basics of mutual respect and kindness were always there. And I do believe I knew they would be, after having written or communicating for a couple of weeks. But not having gone through bad experiences myself, I realize I am easy to speak on this perhaps.
― a pleasant little psychedelic detour in the elevator (Amory Blaine), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 21:31 (nine years ago) link
we - the 'good ones', the ones not meaning harm
making a lot of assumptions here *purses lips*
― valleys of your mind (mh), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 22:06 (nine years ago) link
Yeah I know :)
― a pleasant little psychedelic detour in the elevator (Amory Blaine), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 22:32 (nine years ago) link
dating app required for ppl who dont like ppl
― local eire man (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 December 2014 22:40 (nine years ago) link
http://gawker.com/tinder-is-dead-1683394434
― goole, Wednesday, 4 February 2015 20:41 (nine years ago) link
alternately,
http://domesticity.gawker.com/the-only-tinder-opening-line-you-need-1681214764
― goole, Wednesday, 4 February 2015 20:46 (nine years ago) link
Everything about dating is depressing
― 龜, Wednesday, 4 February 2015 20:47 (nine years ago) link
RIP
― markers, Wednesday, 4 February 2015 20:49 (nine years ago) link
for a while i was openning with just "nice"
it actually worked pretty well, a typical interaction would be
me: nicegirl: lolme: ;-)me: sup
and then it just took off from there. but then a super beautiful girl unmatched me first shot so i stopped
― flopson, Wednesday, 4 February 2015 20:54 (nine years ago) link
this guy 3v4n dub1n$ky, kind of a douchey but hilarious promoter from montreal has been writing articles for an online website thats kind of the pheonix that rose from the local alt-weekly's ashes, i only read the first one but it was pretty hilarious & on point. there's a whole series now
http://cultmontreal.com/2014/11/tinder-dates/
― flopson, Wednesday, 4 February 2015 20:56 (nine years ago) link
tinder seems skewed really young tho? i'm 23 and it makes me feel old
― flopson, Wednesday, 4 February 2015 21:11 (nine years ago) link
There's no good way to tell you this but... you're old
― 龜, Wednesday, 4 February 2015 21:16 (nine years ago) link
jesus flopson is still only 23, and that's still ancient
― mh, Wednesday, 4 February 2015 22:05 (nine years ago) link
yeah i am as much as 2 flopsons w/ a little powdered flopsons on top
― A Severus of Snapes (contenderizer), Wednesday, 4 February 2015 22:19 (nine years ago) link
age ain't nothin but a #old
― flopson, Wednesday, 4 February 2015 22:39 (nine years ago) link
just caught up with this thread, lots of good discussion all around.
my personal feeling/experience is that tinder/okc are obviously flawed and cant replicate irl interactions, but they've also helped me counter my flawed approach to meeting women irl.
i dated/hooked up with lots of women i would have never thought twice about talking to irl, either because sizing them up at a bar/party/etc just wouldn't have been likely do anything for me in the way of interest or attraction, or because i was too intimidated or would never be at a bar/party/etc with them in the first place.
its easy to assume that shopping for people based on carefully-groomed profiles is gross and makes you picky beyond reason, but the opposite has proven true for me more than once
― gr8080, Thursday, 5 February 2015 19:02 (nine years ago) link
gr80, your experiences and perspective are both insightful and inspirational. thanks.
― mh, Friday, 6 February 2015 01:11 (nine years ago) link
def agree about it making you consider people you otherwise wouldn't have
― flopson, Friday, 6 February 2015 01:25 (nine years ago) link
has anyone tried hinge?
― 𝔠𝔞𝔢𝔨 (caek), Friday, 6 February 2015 21:16 (nine years ago) link
heard it was for swingers
― mattresslessness, Saturday, 7 February 2015 00:30 (nine years ago) link