lonely

I need to let her be, don't I? I've sent her e-mails, explaining how I feel, explaining how I can and will change, asking for a second chance, I just need to let it rest now until she's ready to come to me. I'm just scared she won't come to me and drive myself to death by not sleeping or eating or thinking other thoughts.

That's exactly what you need to do. If you've already let her know how you feel and how you can make it up to her, you have to leave her alone for a little while and let her figure out what she wants to do.

I can't believe she doesn't love me anymore.

This is what I hope; it's just a week is a long time when the minute hand never moves.

I'm feeling about 12 on Don Paterson's "Scale of Intensity":

1) Not felt. Smoke still rises vertically. In sensitive individuals, déjà vu, mild amnesia. Sea like a mirror.

2) Detected by persons at rest or favourably placed, i.e. in upper floors, hammocks, cathedrals, etc. Leaves rustle.

3) Light sleepers wake. Glasses chink. Hairpins, paperclips display slight magnetic properties. Irritability. Vibration like passing of light trucks.

4) Small bells ring. Small increase in surface tension and viscosity of certain liquids. Domestic violence. Furniture overturned.

5) Heavy sleepers wake. Pendulum clocks stop. Public demonstrations. Large flags fly. Vibration like passing of heavy trucks.

6) Large bells ring. Bookburning. Aurora visible in daylight hours. Unprovoked assaults on strangers. Glassware broken. Loose tiles fly from roof.

7) Weak chimneys broken off at roofline. Waves on small ponds, water turbid with mud. Unprovoked assaults on neighbours. Large static charges built up on windows, mirrors, television screens.

8) Perceptible increase in weight of stationary objects: books, cups, pens heavy to lift. Fall of stucco and some masonry. Systematic rape of women and young girls. Sand craters. Cracks in wet ground.

9) Small trees uprooted. Bathwater drains in reverse vortex. Wholesale slaughter of religious and ethnic minorities. Conspicuous cracks in ground. Damage to reservoirs and underground pipelines.

10) Large trees uprooted. Measurable tide in puddles, teacups, etc. Torture and rape of small children. Irreparable damage to foundations. Rails bend. Sand shifts horizontally on beaches.

11) Standing impossible. Widespread self-mutilation. Corposant visible on pylons, lampposts, metal railings. Waves seen on ground surface. Most bridges destroyed.

12) Damage total. Movement of hour hand perceptible. Large rock masses displaced. Sea white.

"If you love something, set it free; if it comes back then it is truly meant to be."

As for RIGHT NOW - company company company. If you're alone the chances are much higher you'll end up phoning/writing/hitting refresh etc etc. You need people around you who are going to talk about the rest of the universe rather than your collapsed bit of it.

The only other advice I'd give is to make sure you don't say anything that can never be taken back.

I hope you don't even read this post until tomorrow!

I've read your post, Tom.

What does 'don't say anything that can never be taken back' mean? I'm getting away from this computer now. See how it all looks in the morning.

But there in the clearing
I know you'll be wearing
Your young aching smile
And waving your hand

Can't go with my heart
When I can't feel what's in it
I thought you'd come over
But for some reason you didn't glass
On the pavement under my shoe
Without you is all my life amounts to

A final sleep
No words from my cutting
Mouth to your ear
Or taut wicked pinches
From my fingers to your bitter face
That I can't heal

I know tomorrow you will be
Somewhere in London
Living with someone
You've got some kind of family
There to turn to
And that's more than
I could ever give you

A chance for calm
A hope for freedom
Outlet from my cold solitary kingdom
By the forest of our spring stay
Where you walked away

And left a bleeding part of me
Empty and bothered
Watching the water
Quiet in the corner
Numb and falling through
Without you what does my life amount to

It's pretty much over for the time being. I think. Only time will tell how this all resolves. I still love her. She doesn't love me. Not currently, anyway. And that's fine. My heart and head have accepted this. I'm not going to love someone who doesn't love me back. The doors always open for her, she knows this.

I think that a large part of the blame for my degeneration has to fall at ilx's feet. Or rather at that part of me which is compulsive / addictive about it and I need to go away and really just reset from this whole experience. I've made a lot of friends, and a lot of contacts, I suppose, to look at it callously. I hope some of you remember me. I'll probably lurk for a while, mop up some of the responses to this thread, but this is pretty much me signing out.

I'm not scared of my name anymore,

Anyway, I wanted to say before how touched I am when people in distress bother to look for another thread to post to, rather than start their own.