Neil Young is hanging out at a party when a guy walks up to him and goes, "Hey, man, is that an angora sweater?"He shakes his head and says, "No, son. Everybody knows this is Mohair."
― Stupor Fly, Saturday, 6 June 2015 14:58 (nine years ago) link
ok this actually happened to a friend of mine recently, (relies on the American lady's accent)
(American lady): "So do you read much?"
(British guy): "Yes, I read when I'm in bed"
(American lady): "Do you use a Kindle?"
(British guy): "No I have a bedside lamp"
― Drop soap, not bombs (Ste), Saturday, 6 June 2015 16:23 (nine years ago) link
When I started to develop an addiction to cocaine, I was hoping to at least do so in a way that was ethical and didn't harm anyone in the supply chain.
And I would have got away with it, too, if it wasn't for those Medellín kids.
― and she's baconing like she's never baconed before (DJ Mencap), Friday, 17 July 2015 12:12 (eight years ago) link
Version of ^this joke^ appears in Pynchon's Bleeding Edge iirc
― Stevie T, Friday, 17 July 2015 12:18 (eight years ago) link
I am a poorly-read ignoramus, your honour
― and she's baconing like she's never baconed before (DJ Mencap), Friday, 17 July 2015 12:20 (eight years ago) link
XD
― how's life, Friday, 17 July 2015 12:22 (eight years ago) link
That's rather a compliment
― five six and (man alive), Friday, 17 July 2015 14:10 (eight years ago) link
Knock knockWho's there?Giacomo. Giacomo who?Giacomo fee nah ney!
― five six and (man alive), Saturday, 25 July 2015 00:51 (eight years ago) link
If a capo is a mob boss,& a capo di tutti capi is a don,is a capo di tutti furgoni a Donovan?
― Stevolende, Saturday, 25 July 2015 08:20 (eight years ago) link
did you hear about the man who cut a sports car into bite-sized pieces and ate the entire thing without gaining any weight?
..............he practiced Porsche control
― stoomcursus rockisme (unregistered), Saturday, 25 July 2015 19:48 (eight years ago) link
Q: What did the Jewish squid say when he crossed himself?
A: Spectacles tentacles wallet watch.
― five six and (man alive), Thursday, 13 August 2015 02:24 (eight years ago) link
a clumsy seabird tried to plug a cable into the back of a Tolkienesque goblin and it was embarassing. awks aucs aux orcs awks
― yeast mode (dog latin), Friday, 21 August 2015 11:56 (eight years ago) link
A lot of the other orchestral musicians envy the easy portability of my violin. But they're just cellists.
― bert yansh (Hurting 2), Tuesday, August 14, 2012 1:49 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
really they have no basses for complaint
― on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Sunday, 13 September 2015 04:51 (eight years ago) link
ugh plz you don't need to toot his horn
― Y Kant Max Read (Stevie D(eux)), Tuesday, 15 September 2015 16:53 (eight years ago) link
I asked the harpist if she could get me some free tickets.
She said she'd try to pull a few strings.
― pplains, Tuesday, 15 September 2015 17:10 (eight years ago) link
Why should you never play a wild card against a member of the brass section?He'll just trumpet.
― Meta Forksclove-Liebeskind (forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 15 September 2015 18:34 (eight years ago) link
Sorry to break the orchestral theme, but
What day of the week do nymphs schedule their dates?
Satyrday!
― on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Tuesday, 15 September 2015 20:36 (eight years ago) link
How come the musician couldn't blow an A# through her instrument?
Well, first of all, the problem was originating from a flute premise.
― pplains, Tuesday, 15 September 2015 20:52 (eight years ago) link
that's a sharp observation.
― Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 15 September 2015 22:06 (eight years ago) link
Kenny Loggins: Hey Michael, what was that song that was sampled in Regulate?
Michael McDonald: I Keep Forgetting
Kenny Loggins: Alright, I'll just go get the album
Michael McDonald: If That's What It Takes
― on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Thursday, 17 September 2015 15:07 (eight years ago) link
Q. Why doesn't Popeye eat fried spinach for breakfast?
A. Cuz ikz too oily in d'mornin.
Popeye laughs at own joke: Awww-gug-gug-gug-gug-gug-gug.
― Vic Perry, Thursday, 17 September 2015 18:05 (eight years ago) link
Yesterday we were walking by a catholic church in the afternoon, and it had its doors open and there were dozens of people gathered outside, all of whom seemed to have dogs.
H: Is it some kind of Catholic dog holiday today?Me: The Feast of St. Bernard
― on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Monday, 5 October 2015 19:32 (eight years ago) link
*doffs hat*
― kinder, Tuesday, 6 October 2015 09:21 (eight years ago) link
remix:
Here is a joke of my own I once made up:
What do you guy who turns into an uncool bad-language wolf in the full moon's light?
A swear-wolf.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Thursday, June 24, 2010 8:53 PM (5 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
― Mark G, Tuesday, 6 October 2015 11:19 (eight years ago) link
What do Scottish ghosts drink?
Irn Boo
― sʌxihɔːl (Ward Fowler), Thursday, 8 October 2015 17:23 (eight years ago) link
Why can't the guy who wrote Trap Queen play Santa?Fetty Wap's got a sweaty lap.
Did you hear about Fetty Wap's new Mediterranean restaurant?The special is Fetty Wap's feta wrap.
Little known fact: Fetty Wap is also an inventor. His father is an exterminator and he created a moist towelette specially engineered to clean the inside of trap and release cages.He calls it Fetty Wap's Rat Trap Wet Naps.
― a literal scarecrow on a quaint porch (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 8 October 2015 19:23 (eight years ago) link
(I actually heard someone at a bodega yesterday order a wrap and the guy behind the counter yelled ONE MORE FETTY WAP)
― a literal scarecrow on a quaint porch (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 8 October 2015 19:24 (eight years ago) link
Where are freshman hippos required to live at Hippo University? On the hippocampus.
― jill's got heroin (rip van wanko), Thursday, 8 October 2015 19:30 (eight years ago) link
I feel like my 'Go Fet A Wapman' has been cruelly overlooked
― kinder, Thursday, 8 October 2015 20:46 (eight years ago) link
I actually don't really have a joke, I just wanted to say I've had a lot of phlegm lately.
Sorry to bring it up.
― on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Wednesday, 18 November 2015 03:02 (eight years ago) link
Honestly, man, that one was more of a hack job.
― pplains, Thursday, 19 November 2015 00:43 (eight years ago) link
'snot funny
― ledge, Thursday, 19 November 2015 09:06 (eight years ago) link
Shares at the Paris stock exchange fell so sharply yesterday that trading had to be suspended. Ministers took action to prevent further losses but they were shutting the stable door after the Bourse had halted.
― ledge, Thursday, 19 November 2015 13:20 (eight years ago) link
Hey, who wants to see this Bob Fosse tribute performance I've put together. Show of hands?
― pplains, Friday, 4 December 2015 03:17 (eight years ago) link
Q: how did the National organization of women advertise their guided trip through Chicago's most famous ethers?A: NOW is the wind tour of our diss content
― ecclesiastes nutz (m bison), Friday, 25 December 2015 22:36 (eight years ago) link
Why did the sick pig go to the sanitarium on the Dutch Caribbean island?
Because her heard it could cure a sow (Curacao).
― on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Thursday, 7 January 2016 16:51 (eight years ago) link
*she
― on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Thursday, 7 January 2016 16:52 (eight years ago) link
Ouch, having to correct yourself when telling a joke, I feel yr pain.
― Anyway, it's not a three, it's a yogh. (Tom D.), Thursday, 7 January 2016 16:53 (eight years ago) link
punchline in search of a setup: "Lutefisk Kennedy".
― koogs, Thursday, 21 January 2016 13:07 (eight years ago) link
Q: What did the bibliophile sing to his rare edition of War & Peace?
A: You Are So Beautiful, Tome
― on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Monday, 1 February 2016 16:27 (eight years ago) link
Q. Why did Pharrell Williams' dog abort her litter of puppies?A. Because she felt like a womb without a woof.
― Skaciety (pronounced the way you'd pronounce society) (DJ Mencap), Tuesday, 2 February 2016 15:27 (eight years ago) link
woof
― on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Tuesday, 2 February 2016 16:03 (eight years ago) link
Q: What did Squarepusher say to the kind antiquesman in the process of calculating his daily sales totals?A: Sum on, my collector!
― police patrol felt the smell of smoke and found that goat burns (Stevie D(eux)), Tuesday, 9 February 2016 02:49 (eight years ago) link
Now trying to come up with a joke with the punchline "Pear Squisher"
― on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Tuesday, 9 February 2016 02:57 (eight years ago) link
So I heard the Replacements played Whole Foods, weird, right. And get this, their contract had a clause about shoplifting. Yeah, it was their Quinoa Rider.
― Option ARMs and de Man (s.clover), Wednesday, 9 March 2016 02:44 (eight years ago) link
So you heard Amanda Palmer announced she was going to give one of those talks again, and then cancelled it? Yeah, it was a real TED-fake.
― ive seen enough Good Wife episodes (s.clover), Monday, 14 March 2016 03:00 (eight years ago) link
yup
― get a long, little doggy (m bison), Monday, 14 March 2016 03:58 (eight years ago) link
What does Snape have on his toast?
"Peanut Buttahhhhh"
― Mark G, Monday, 14 March 2016 07:44 (eight years ago) link
DIdja hear about the trailer salesman who got fired?
All of his sales were going off without a hitch.
― pplains, Friday, 18 March 2016 17:33 (eight years ago) link
You finished that book on the history of scissors? I just couldn't run with it.
― no one in particular (Abbott), Friday, 18 March 2016 23:57 (eight years ago) link