Homemade Jokes

XD

That's rather a compliment

Knock knock
Who's there?
Giacomo.
Giacomo who?
Giacomo fee nah ney!

If a capo is a mob boss,
& a capo di tutti capi is a don,
is a capo di tutti furgoni a Donovan?

did you hear about the man who cut a sports car into bite-sized pieces and ate the entire thing without gaining any weight?

..............he practiced Porsche control

Q: What did the Jewish squid say when he crossed himself?

A: Spectacles tentacles wallet watch.

a clumsy seabird tried to plug a cable into the back of a Tolkienesque goblin and it was embarassing. awks aucs aux orcs awks

A lot of the other orchestral musicians envy the easy portability of my violin. But they're just cellists.

― bert yansh (Hurting 2), Tuesday, August 14, 2012 1:49 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

really they have no basses for complaint

ugh plz you don't need to toot his horn

I asked the harpist if she could get me some free tickets.

She said she'd try to pull a few strings.

Why should you never play a wild card against a member of the brass section?
He'll just trumpet.

Sorry to break the orchestral theme, but

What day of the week do nymphs schedule their dates?

Satyrday!

How come the musician couldn't blow an A# through her instrument?

Well, first of all, the problem was originating from a flute premise.

that's a sharp observation.

Kenny Loggins: Hey Michael, what was that song that was sampled in Regulate?

Michael McDonald: I Keep Forgetting

Kenny Loggins: Alright, I'll just go get the album

Michael McDonald: If That's What It Takes

Q. Why doesn't Popeye eat fried spinach for breakfast?

A. Cuz ikz too oily in d'mornin.

Popeye laughs at own joke: Awww-gug-gug-gug-gug-gug-gug.

Yesterday we were walking by a catholic church in the afternoon, and it had its doors open and there were dozens of people gathered outside, all of whom seemed to have dogs.

H: Is it some kind of Catholic dog holiday today?
Me: The Feast of St. Bernard

*doffs hat*

remix:

Here is a joke of my own I once made up:

What do you guy who turns into an uncool bad-language wolf in the full moon's light?

A swear-wolf.

― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Thursday, June 24, 2010 8:53 PM (5 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

What do Scottish ghosts drink?

Irn Boo

Why can't the guy who wrote Trap Queen play Santa?
Fetty Wap's got a sweaty lap.

Did you hear about Fetty Wap's new Mediterranean restaurant?
The special is Fetty Wap's feta wrap.

Little known fact: Fetty Wap is also an inventor. His father is an exterminator and he created a moist towelette specially engineered to clean the inside of trap and release cages.
He calls it Fetty Wap's Rat Trap Wet Naps.

(I actually heard someone at a bodega yesterday order a wrap and the guy behind the counter yelled ONE MORE FETTY WAP)

Where are freshman hippos required to live at Hippo University? On the hippocampus.

I feel like my 'Go Fet A Wapman' has been cruelly overlooked

I actually don't really have a joke, I just wanted to say I've had a lot of phlegm lately.

Sorry to bring it up.

Honestly, man, that one was more of a hack job.

'snot funny

Shares at the Paris stock exchange fell so sharply yesterday that trading had to be suspended. Ministers took action to prevent further losses but they were shutting the stable door after the Bourse had halted.

Hey, who wants to see this Bob Fosse tribute performance I've put together. Show of hands?

Q: how did the National organization of women advertise their guided trip through Chicago's most famous ethers?
A: NOW is the wind tour of our diss content

Why did the sick pig go to the sanitarium on the Dutch Caribbean island?

Because her heard it could cure a sow (Curacao).

*she

Ouch, having to correct yourself when telling a joke, I feel yr pain.

punchline in search of a setup: "Lutefisk Kennedy".

Q: What did the bibliophile sing to his rare edition of War & Peace?

A: You Are So Beautiful, Tome

Q. Why did Pharrell Williams' dog abort her litter of puppies?
A. Because she felt like a womb without a woof.

woof

Q: What did Squarepusher say to the kind antiquesman in the process of calculating his daily sales totals?
A: Sum on, my collector!

Now trying to come up with a joke with the punchline "Pear Squisher"

So I heard the Replacements played Whole Foods, weird, right. And get this, their contract had a clause about shoplifting. Yeah, it was their Quinoa Rider.

So you heard Amanda Palmer announced she was going to give one of those talks again, and then cancelled it? Yeah, it was a real TED-fake.

yup

What does Snape have on his toast?

"Peanut Buttahhhhh"

DIdja hear about the trailer salesman who got fired?

All of his sales were going off without a hitch.

You finished that book on the history of scissors? I just couldn't run with it.

Q. Why is Fetty Wap so concerned with the economics of the Italian automotive industry?

A. He has a stock in his 'rari.

one i came up with when i was really sleep-deprived:
What kind of eggs can you make jam out of?
Traffic eggs

http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/fried-egg-shape-traffic-light-25786021.jpg?

An ape got caught up in a candy floss machine at a Verve concert. Richard Ashcroft wasn't surprised: 'Well, it's a bit of sweet chimpanzee that flies'..

one i came up with when i was really sleep-deprived:
What kind of eggs can you make jam out of?
Traffic eggs

― TARANTINO! (dog latin), Friday, April 15, 2016 4:09 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

What kind of eggs do you find in jam?

Traffic Eggs.

― village idiot (dog latin), Saturday, August 7, 2010 4:31 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

six years of meticulous revision!