Homemade Jokes

I feel like my 'Go Fet A Wapman' has been cruelly overlooked

I actually don't really have a joke, I just wanted to say I've had a lot of phlegm lately.

Sorry to bring it up.

Honestly, man, that one was more of a hack job.

'snot funny

Shares at the Paris stock exchange fell so sharply yesterday that trading had to be suspended. Ministers took action to prevent further losses but they were shutting the stable door after the Bourse had halted.

Hey, who wants to see this Bob Fosse tribute performance I've put together. Show of hands?

Q: how did the National organization of women advertise their guided trip through Chicago's most famous ethers?
A: NOW is the wind tour of our diss content

Why did the sick pig go to the sanitarium on the Dutch Caribbean island?

Because her heard it could cure a sow (Curacao).

*she

Ouch, having to correct yourself when telling a joke, I feel yr pain.

punchline in search of a setup: "Lutefisk Kennedy".

Q: What did the bibliophile sing to his rare edition of War & Peace?

A: You Are So Beautiful, Tome

Q. Why did Pharrell Williams' dog abort her litter of puppies?
A. Because she felt like a womb without a woof.

woof

Q: What did Squarepusher say to the kind antiquesman in the process of calculating his daily sales totals?
A: Sum on, my collector!

Now trying to come up with a joke with the punchline "Pear Squisher"

So I heard the Replacements played Whole Foods, weird, right. And get this, their contract had a clause about shoplifting. Yeah, it was their Quinoa Rider.

So you heard Amanda Palmer announced she was going to give one of those talks again, and then cancelled it? Yeah, it was a real TED-fake.

yup

What does Snape have on his toast?

"Peanut Buttahhhhh"

DIdja hear about the trailer salesman who got fired?

All of his sales were going off without a hitch.

You finished that book on the history of scissors? I just couldn't run with it.

Q. Why is Fetty Wap so concerned with the economics of the Italian automotive industry?

A. He has a stock in his 'rari.

one i came up with when i was really sleep-deprived:
What kind of eggs can you make jam out of?
Traffic eggs

http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/fried-egg-shape-traffic-light-25786021.jpg?

An ape got caught up in a candy floss machine at a Verve concert. Richard Ashcroft wasn't surprised: 'Well, it's a bit of sweet chimpanzee that flies'..

one i came up with when i was really sleep-deprived:
What kind of eggs can you make jam out of?
Traffic eggs

― TARANTINO! (dog latin), Friday, April 15, 2016 4:09 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

What kind of eggs do you find in jam?

Traffic Eggs.

― village idiot (dog latin), Saturday, August 7, 2010 4:31 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

six years of meticulous revision!

it's a cracker!

I came here from fb hoping youd post that ape one

Cant fp u on fb see

I do it all for the fps

What do you call an agony aunt that doesn't exist when you get close?

Mirajorie Proops.

Where did the rasta cook his teryaki?

In Jah Pan!

if they do decide to ignore the results of the referendum we could call it Votey McVolte-face

Your momma's so dumb she thought abstain was what happens when a guy pulls out

Homemade gross

What do you play when you have coffee in the morning and you're in a rush? Poopmon Go

This one is quite labored and awkward, hope you like it:

Q: Where did the British Crossfit athlete go to feel better after losing the competition?
A: The Chin-Up Bar.

Nice one.

the more labored the better.

....and you two! You're as bad for encouraging him!

I heard farms will no longer produce circular bales of hay.

Cows couldn't get a square meal.

Whole Foods is getting rid of their shredded cheese.

They want to make America grate again.

I heard chefs in France only use one egg in their omelets.

They say one is un oeuf.

Great stuff!

Egg one is as old as the hills (usually the punchline is "un oeuf is un oeuf"). It's good though!

Un oeuf. Ein ei. Un huevo. ONE BLEEDIN’ EGG!

Going waaaaaaaay back, here's a couple of jokes me and my brother made up:

Q: What do you call a Glaswegian rock 'n' roll singer who is a recovering alcoholic?
A: Chuck Bevvy.

That was mine, this was my brother's:

Q: What do you call a Glaswegian impressionist?
A: Zack Same.

I'm sure there's more I can't remember right now.

I'm sure my brother had one about the World's Greatest Lover and road traffic, the punchline of which was Crossanova. Can't remember the actual joke though.

Presumably involves a Vauxhall Nova

Predates the Vauxhall Nova by some years.