I am too old for this...the 40 plus thread.

#latecapitalism

Life just gets better as you go on. For me I just find myself giving less and less of a shit and that helps me enjoy everything that much more.

Life just gets better as you go on.

Oh, does it now.

I read at least one of your pieces Alfred and it gave me real pause - you're describing a loneliness that feels inscribed into the experience of queerness in a way that's on a whole other level from wherever my alienation originates

― Pengest & Corsa (Noodle Vague),

Thanks, NV. Here'st he piece if anyone's interested.

Hugs to posters.

I co-host a weekly potluck with friends that has been going on for 7 or 8 years, and I really can't recommended it enough. The consistency is the most important thing...everyone who would normally be too busy to make plans can factor it in and make time, it's always the same day/time. It's a nice way for us 30-somethings to see each other every week instead of constantly trying to make plans to meet at restaurants or whatever.

Life just gets better as you go on.

lol

Having just turned 46, looked back for my last entry on the thread and found this a couple of years ago:

Definitely downshifting on various fronts, only been to a few shows this year, etc. etc. Not complaining, though -- the part of me that was always "I'd rather just chill and read/listen/whatever at home" is now feeling plenty justified, while I still have lot of great show memories anyway.

This was about six months before my SF move, and generally speaking it carried through even up here -- I have much greater access to a wide variety of really, really good acts, touring and otherwise, in many fields, just from living in the city itself. But even combined with the fact I'm offered passes and guest lists as a matter of course now -- hooray being an established writer, I guess -- I don't do that as much as I thought I might. I've missed a few things I regret but I'm not really bummed about it. Funnily enough, though, over the next few months I'm already seeing something like...seven, eight shows to come? More? That's more that's been on my calendar for a while.

As for loneliness, not really a factor -- Kate and I are pretty content to chill at home, and we catch up with a variety of friends, hers and mine, as we do, including my sis, who also lives in the city. This said I do miss the weekly visit to dear friends down in OC that I did pretty much every Friday night when I was there, but nobody's really replaced that. Said some more about this on another thread revival lately, I think. I agree with Jordan re consistency, and I'm thinking of a bit of something along those lines for the near future that a few friends have expressed interest in -- I think it'll be enjoyable for us all.

hey Ned are you going to Teenage Fanclub at the Great American

Not really fully prepared to talk about the manifestations of loneliness, even though I have a couple of close male friends I can genuinely talk to, whom I see pretty regularly (I'm 46). But I can highly recommend deleting oneself from Facebook if you are as compulsive a checker as I was, even though I only posted once a month or so. Didn't realise the pall it cast over my life until it was gone.

xpost -- Never really was a huge fan as such. Britta Phillips is all right, but otherwise, giving it a pass.

But I can highly recommend deleting oneself from Facebook if you are as compulsive a checker as I was, even though I only posted once a month or so. Didn't realise the pall it cast over my life until it was gone.

I haven't deleted myself from there or Twitter but refocusing how I use the sites has helped immensely in terms of relaxation and focus.

I can't tell if my behavior is dictated more by my being 42 or being Gen X. That is, am I yelling some equivalent of "get off my lawn!" because I am old, or because Gen X is just weird that way? Probably both.

Anyway. Married with kids has put a damper on some stuff, but by and large my most pain in the ass, hard to pin down friends are the ones *without* kids. Like, my friends married with kids, it's really not that hard to find someone to grab a beer. But my solo friends? Man, they suck, it is so hard to get them to commit to an outing. And it's so hard to care myself about their problems. Because I am 42? Because Gen X? Because married with kids and they're not? Probably the last. Like, my older one is 12 and in 7th grade, I don't give a fuck about your stupid single life problems.

I go through these weird scenarios in my mind while I'm doing pointless yard work.

Like, today, I was gathering up rocks for this rock garden project I've decided will be this year's summer project. Looking for those pink and yellow feldspar ones, you know? And if you think all that sounds crazy, you should see how I must look - walking around my property with two buckets, gathering up rocks.

And at one point, I imagined my son asking me in the future as I'm dying, "Where's the money, Dad? Tell us before it's too late." And I'm all, What money? I never had any money. He says, "You must've buried it somewhere. You can't take it with you, so just tell us where you put it." I reply, I KNOW I can't take it with me, believe me.

How people who are dying let go of things a little bit at a time. The day before, they don't care what's for dinner. The month before, they forget about what bills are due. Maybe six months before, they give up worrying about renewing their newspaper subscription.

And 35 years prior to that? They let go of seeing their friends every week and what the neighbors think of their blue buckets bought from the dollar store.

I am so unsocial now compared to myself 20 years ago. Especially within the last year or so. Like to the point where I almost hate it now. I make myself reach out to friends now & then to catch up, but it's just so much quieter & nicer at home & everywhere is loud & annoying

I think I have an actual undiagnosed hearing problem at this point

we've lived where we live for 8 years now and it's weird to see so many married people we know break up over that time period. i never really knew so many married people before. i used to just read about divorce in the paper.

also weird that i wasn't 40 when this thread started and i am turning 49 this year...........................................

See you in 12 years!

Yeah, didn't realize I posted in this thread 10 years ago. See you in 2 years.

i don't like going out much at night at all. but life has been extra life-like for months now and i need my energy during the day. i'm hoping it doesn't become a permanent thing though. i've always been a house cat but i have definitely been really happy when i have gone to things that it would have been really easy to not go to. i'm missing a good show tonight in town and tons of friends will be there and i'm trying to not make myself feel bad about it.

i always make time to dance with bob though.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhCwM9Ebawk

But my solo friends? Man, they suck, it is so hard to get them to commit to an outing. And it's so hard to care myself about their problems. Because I am 42? Because Gen X? Because married with kids and they're not? Probably the last. Like, my older one is 12 and in 7th grade, I don't give a fuck about your stupid single life problems.

it's because you're an asshole and they don't actually want to hang out with you

yeah the "if you don't have kids you can't even KNOW" look is not good

xpost If only it were that simple!

Oh, come on. I didn't mean it like being a dick, and it's not something I invoke. I just mean that there is a degree of priority on my part, to people totally reliant on me, that is a totally different kind of life compared to people without kids. Which is cool, kids are not the key to the universe. But we do all the same shit other people without kids do, just that the kids and attendant responsibility are always there. I don't know what's so bad about observing that. When a friend without kids says, man, I'm wiped, I don't know if I can get a beer, that's fine. But whether I go out or not, I know exactly when I am waking up in the morning, 7 days a week, and what is expected of me from more or less sunrise on.

what's so bad is " I don't give a fuck about your stupid single life problems." That's being a crummy friend. And also a dick.

Also dickish: assuming that if you don't have kids you don't have responsibilities that have you waking up 7 days a week and doing what is expected of you.

xxp fuck you

damn dude yr kids sound like a burden, maybe get rid of them

Man, you all are grouchy. But I'm honestly sorry I offended you.

gah, thread took an ugly turn.

what i notice is that olds = grouchy.

hey! I resemble that remark!

Like, my older one is 12 and in 7th grade, I don't give a fuck about your stupid single life problems.

― Josh in Chicago, Friday, 17 March 2017 01:30 (nine hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Can't

Uh

Can't believe you can't get these ppl to spend time with u man

Oh right we got to that in between. Fair enough.

Remember that one thread that lex revived

That was fun

Mulling it over this morning, I definitely expressed myself poorly, and was therefore misconstrued appropriately. I meant nothing personal, if that's (at least) where offense was given. I was just being flip, writing extemporaneously, because internet. I thought we were writing about the challenges of going out and hanging with friends as we get older, and I did a bad job conveying that kids can be a constant complicating consideration. That's all I meant.

So to the article I didn't finish reading: why is this not an equally significant problem for women?

motion detectors?

The main suggestion was that women are happy just to talk to each other (onj the phone, in person, over coffee) whereas guys need to DO something (watch sport, play records, ride bikes).

Key line for me was the one about photos of female friends being face-to-face but photos of male friends being side-by-side.

Josh, I know exactly how you feel. The "if you don't have kids you can't even KNOW" look may not sound good but most people with kids have been (slash are) there.

People with kids don't have more problems or complications than those who don't; the latter have different problems and complications on the same order of magnitude.

maybe one difference being that if you don't have children and fuck up, children (probably) don't suffer

i don't have kids but totally empathize w/ josh's parental frustration

but we don't have to look fwd to having our kids curse us in the unlivable dystopia of 2030

maybe one difference being that if you don't have children and fuck up, children (probably) don't suffer

unless you're Simon of the Desert, fucking up will affect a companion, nieces and nephews, siblings, or friends.

man, you guys have no imaginations.

yeah, let's be fair, people without kids are just as good at fucking up the world as people with kids.

Man, you all are grouchy. But I'm honestly sorry I offended you.

― Josh in Chicago

ban "sorry i offended you" from the english language

i'm not offended at what you said but i also usually try to make an effort to not complain about people with kids who can't talk about anything else but their kids

i do feel like there are certain pressures and fears that are unique to parenthood though. not having kids makes a LOT of things easier. depression, substance abuse, overeating, sloth, lethary, ennui, etc. all much easier hobbies to cultivate when childless.

"lethargy"

i was too tired to finish that word...

I've been tempted to use the "got kids" argument before, but then I see on Facebook other parents my age taking their kids to club shows, shooting pool with them in some rec room, or ziplining across the Ozarks with them. That's when I realize, Boy, I'm doing a real shitty job of raising these kids, maybe I ought to just go out and get a beer. They can play Roblox while I'm gone.

it only just occurred to me that ilx is one of the very very few things that has remained constant in my life, which either highlights the number of new goals/jobs/friendships/interests/obsessions i've cycled through in the past ~15 years, exposes how many of those things i've run away from because i'm terrible at staying invested, or puts a spotlight on my unusual choice of anchors

definitely not the combative arsehole i used to be though, which could be me learning how to be less shit or perhaps just a 40s thing

People with kids can (sometimes) remember what life was like and how they felt before they had kids, maybe even empathise with people without kids. Because everyone who's got kids has not had kids at some point (albeit for different lengths of time in different situations). People without kids (generally) don't know what it's like to have kids, though. I don't think that's an outrageous thing to say.

(pplains always, always remember that social media is a studiously edited highlights reel; those people taking kids to club shows or whatever are feeding them mcnuggets or shouting at them or whatever at some stage; no one is perfect.)

I'm not saying having kids is some kind of holier-than-though martyrdom and we need huge amounts of credit and respect - fucking billions of people have done it, how hard can it be - but it very definitely has a different level of responsibility to it than not having kids, in my limited experience (35 years of not having kids, two and a bit of having them).

So to the article I didn't finish reading: why is this not an equally significant problem for women?

― SFTGFOP (El Tomboto), Friday, March 17, 2017 11:48 AM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

What article? Is this something I would have expanded 288 posts in order to see?

At 40, approaching 41, I am definitely more boring but I usu don't think of it as an age thing, I think of how my job used to be unfulfilling and also conveniently located to social centers so I had lots of mental space & energy to give to socializing and I was closer to friends. Now I have this consuming career as a do-gooder that exhausts my emotional energy, and also my living space is nicer than ever before so it's appealing to stay home.

I also went out a lot more when I didn't have the internet at home AND I was mostly single, is my other takeaway. Now I can ilx from the comfort of my couch and I have a partner who makes dinner so....