Craigslist hilarity

TWO DINNERS

He must be pretty fucking amazing if he eats two dinners a night and is still worth his weight in gold.

Amazing?? He rocks the "hissousee"!!

I'm 5'10", 164lbs, and so obsessed with Harry Potter that I sincerely wish I attended Hogwarts. I play guitar and sing lead in a prominent nyc band. I'm an acting major at college in NYC. I enjoy drinking (in moderation), smoking, hiking, biking, walking around, getting lost, swimming, singing, writing, acting and listening to a lot of music. If you feel any need to contact me, just write a bit about yourself with a picture. Mine will follow.

any guesses as to what "prominent nyc band" this guy plays in?

harry & the potters

8x8x16 Cement Block - $1
Reply to: sale-395453✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-08-12, 6:24PM EDT

I have approximately 275 to 300 cinder blocks for sale. They are standard 8"x8"x16". They cost about $1.75 plus delivery fees if you buy them somewhere else. I'm asking $1.00 per block.

You pick them up and move them yourself.

Please don't waste my fucking time with endless emails. These are plain old cinderblocks, for fuck sake. You don't need to do an engineering study on the feasibility of using these fucking things as building material. That's what they're for, you fucking idiots. Now listen, we're all busy people here. You want the blocks? Come get the fucking blocks and give me one dollar for every block you take. How fucking hard is that? You don't have to tell me what you're building. I don't give a fuck. I'm not interested in helping you build it either. Why? Because I don't give a fuck. I just want to get these fucking things off my property. So if you want them, get the fuck over here with some money and take them. The next fucking moron that emails me with "I'm building a blah blah blah, and was wondering if..." The answer is NO. Come get the fucking blocks and build it yourself. If I knew how to do masonry, don't you think I'd be using the blocks myself instead of selling them for half fucking price? What the fuck is wrong with you people? The next one of you fucking jackasses that emails me with some sob-story bullshit is getting his email address added to the North American Man/Boy Love Association mailing list.

You want the blocks? Come get the blocks, and don't fuck with me!

Jeez, was that written by Lyle from Achewood?

FREE - Batman Car FLOAT
Reply to: sale-382294✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-07-26, 8:22AM CDT

We have this Batman car float - please see pictures - that we've used in the Maryville homecoming parade. I would hate to destroy it - it took forever to make. If you can use it - maybe in a parade or just to let your kids play on it please come by and take it. It's built on a 4x8 plywood base and the overall dimensions are approximately 5x9.

It's in the driveway at:
824 Cedar Valley Dr.
Maryville, IL 62062

I would recommend typing our address in Google for directions. If you have any questions please call me at 618-304-0907.
Thanks!

http://images.craigslist.org/01030001040801040220070726fa8eb32ad4f4d1c3dc00417d.jpghttp://images.craigslist.org/01030201041101041020070726b367a28ec0e9779db000d35f.jpg

I am going to get the shit out of that Batman car float.

And then what, once it's poop-free?

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/sys/404687992.html

+++IS YOUR COMPUTOR ACTING BAD?+++
Reply to: see below
Date: 2007-08-23, 11:36PM PDT

SAVE money, don't toss or replace it, bring it to me.

I clean viruses, trojans, spyware, etc, and restore your computor to its optimum ability.

I can UPGRADE your box to maximize its performance AND RELIABILITY.

The vast majority of computors also have HUNDREDS of REGISTRY ERRORS which slow the boot and other processes. I correct these errors.

They also often have lots of "cookies", and/or various "spyware", and/or "adware", etc. which also serve to slow your box down CONSIDERABLY. I REMOVE these,

and if you wish, I WILL SHOW YOU HOW YOU can KEEP IT UP AND RUNNING RIGHT!

All you need to do is call me at 360-719-3523 (Vancouver) and if you have to leave a message, I'll get back to you A.S.A.P. As I'm pretty busy, I can't always come to the phone, but if you'll say your name and your phone number (CLEARLY and TWICE so I don't have to REPLAY it), I promise you I'll return your call. Give me a time frame and HOW LATE I can call you as I will call as late as Midnight if you wish.

NO, I DON'T charge for a quick "look-see" and recommendation.
NO, I probably can't diagnose over the phone. I simply do not have the time.
NO, I DON'T charge by the hour (I'm HONEST) and most often the bill is $50 or less for labor.
AND, you can save even more by supplying any needed parts yourself if you wish.
Just CALL me at 360-719-3523 and SAVE some CASH and your COMPUTOR.
Thanks for looking!
Jim

And, to the jackass(ES) who keeps "flagging" this ad, Please, GROW a pair.

Little "man", I know what you're doing and how you're doing it. NO ad can get flagged in less than 20 minutes without the assistance of a computor and I wonder how Craig and the others will like it when they find out they have had their system played with and manipulated by you. I feel sorry for the likes of you who have NOTHING better to do than sit at a computor and continually harass and make misery for others.

You are interefering with, disrupting and gernerally causing undue harm to peoples lives and I believe there is a special place in HELL for you and your kind.

GET the DECENCY and GUTS to Call ME and arrange a mutually agreeable time to meet and for me to rearrange your attitude. You have my number THREE times above. It's too bad you haven't attained a level of common courtesy. If the HONEST way I do business (I tell the truth and give people their options) offends you, you have Rights. Among these is the Right to LEAVE and go elsewhere. PLEASE, PLEASE EXERCISE that Right. Perhaps the French would allow you to infect their country. WE don't need your type in America. Since my favorite color isn't blue, I'm not holding my breath waiting for your ineffectual call, or feeble attempt to justify yourself and/or your actions.

I'm tired of your crap. I've contacted a buddy of mine who works for the feds. I believe he can nail you for violations of the ANTI-TERRORISM bill signed by clinton AND the current Patriot Act.

AND, ANYONE else who has been harassed by this simpleton and/or had their ads improperly "flagged" PLEASE feel free to contact me with the particulars. If we work together, perhaps we can remove this unmitigated ass to the federal pen for about 25 to life.
My # is here three times. CALL ME.

Location: 360-719-3523
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 404687992

Are you dead? - m4w
Reply to: pers-411971✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-09-01, 11:12PM HST

Hi, this is going to sound nuts to most ppl,
but I have recently come to the conclusion that
I am not actually alive and that I died some time ago.
I am looking for other ppl who have realized that they are dead.
If you wanna chill, drink, and laugh at all the people
who think they are still alive, then hit me up.

http://images.craigslist.org/01010001040001030520070902cef3ee2f53609528d400fb3e.jpg

I know it's rare nowadays but is there any Bearded-Lady out there ?? - m4w
Reply to: pers-408520✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-08-28, 2:32PM HST

Enthralled as I always was with the Circus, especially the attraction of the Bearded Lady, I am looking for such a lady here on Oahu. Let me emphasize that her beard must Not be a fake wig but a REAL beard. Am anticipating your e-mail.

http://honolulu.craigslist.org/oah/stp/408520074.html

Grady that you?

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/msg/434412683.html

The "things wanted" list is the gold here.

CARTON OF MARLBORO 100 CIGARETTES (the red ones)(must be new)

DVD shows - must be complete series
1) Mannix (complete series)
2) Magnum P I (complete series)
3) Baretta (complete series)
4) Hart to Hart (complete series)
5) Branded with Chuck Connors (complete series)
6) McMillan and Wife (complete series)
7) Life of Riley with Bendix (complete series)
8) Loretta Young Show (complete series)
9) My Secretary (complete series)
10) Bachelor Father (complete series)
11) My Little Margie (complete series)
12) Hazel (complete series
13) Police Woman (complete series with Angie Dickenson)
14) Topper (complete series)
15) December Bride (complete series)
16) Love That Bob (complete series)
17) I Married Joan (compete series)

PENS WITH ASSORTED INK COLORS - RED, BLUE, GREEN, BLACK, PURPLE, AND PINK OR OTHER COLORED INKS (MUST BE NEW)

COMPUTOR INK FOR HP DESKJET 9650 PRINTER - INK # 55,56,57 (MUST BE NEW)

VILEDA MOP HEADS (MUST BE NEW)

VHS 8-HOUR BLANK TAPES - EXTRA HIGH GRADE FOR THE BEST QUALITY PICTURE AND SOUND(MUST BE NEW)

JVC TAPE CASETTES FOR A DIGITAL JVC CAMERA (must be new)

RECHARGEABLE AA BATTERYS NICKEL-METAL HYDRIDE 4- IN PACKAGE (must be new)

TIDE THE BIG ONE (must be new)

AMMONIA BIG ONES (must be new)

LILAC BODY SPRAY (must be new)

BIG BOTTLES OF JOY (must be new)

BIG TUBES OF BENGAY (must be new)

PRELL SHAMPOO BIG BOTTLE (must be new)

SOS PADS BIG BOX (must be new)

ENVELOPES THE KIND THAT PEEL SO THAT YOU DONT HAVE TO EAT GLUE (must be new)

NAIL POLISH REMOVER (must be new)

WINDSHIELD WIPERS OR BLADES FOR A VAN (must be new)

SNOWCONE FACTORY MACHINE (must be new)

SALT FOR THE SNOW BIG BAG - REGULAR SALT (must be new)

HAMMS SCENERAMA MOTION BEER SIGN WITH THE CAMPFIRE AND WATERFALLS

HONDA 305 CC DREAM MOTORCYCLE

1955-56-57-58 CHEVY CONVERTIBLE, 2-DOOR SPORT COUPE, OR 2 DOOR SEDAN

ANTI-FREEZE FOR A VAN OR TRUCK BIG ONES (must be new)

OIL FOR A VAN OR TRUCK (must be new)

TRANSMISSION FLUID FOR A VAN OR TRUCK (must be new)

WINDSHIELD WIPER FLUID FOR A VAN OR TRUCK (must be new)

SNOW STICK/SCRAPERS WITH THE BRUSH ON IT (must be new and long ones)

LEMONADE OR KOOL-ADE IN THE CANS - the big ones (must be new ones)

SNOW TIRES FOR MY VAN - (MUST BE NEW)

genius taste in television programs, at any rate

BIG TUBES OF BENGAY (must be new)

ENVELOPES THE KIND THAT PEEL SO THAT YOU DONT HAVE TO EAT GLUE (must be new)

omg this

Should I trade my 1956 Chevy convertible for his toy accordian, y/n?

BROOKLYN REKKID STORE PICKUPS

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/430427832.html

I love how his wants are basically the Christmas list of an old man.

BIG BOTTLES OF JOY

er...

(must be new)

Try going to a shop then!

dude is selling a wii, and at the end it says...

WARINING: I DO NOT SHIP THE SYSTEMS, SPECIALLY NOT OUTSIDE CANADA, ALL SCAMMERS WILL BE REPORTED. PICK UP ONLY PLEASE. I'M A SERIOUS AND YET FUNNY GUY, WE MIGHT EVEN BECOME FRIENDS:)

DROP ME A LINE OR CALL ME: (i took out his number).

PEACE.

I love LA.

VW hot tub

I want an old fashioned courtship - m4w - 23
Reply to: pers-488056✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-11-24, 10:49AM PST

Hi, not sure if this is the right section but here goes. I am a 23 year old christian man looking for a family with a daughter about my age or younger who wants an old fashioned courtship. I get to know you as a family, we abide by your rules, no premarital sex. I am responsible, fairly handsome, white, about average height and build. home schooled, love music, dogs, fishing, spending time with my younger brothers and sisters. I have a good job as a union carpenter foreman. I am honest and hardworking.
She should be a christian, home schooled is prefered but not a must, have an apreciation for music, hopefully play an instrument or two, and strive to be the type of woman described in proverbs 31. and she should be pretty but not just on the outside.
One thing you should know is that I really want to move out of this area soon, and that would mean her too. I want to own a farm in the midwest or maybe tennesee or kentucky.

Location: enumclaw

omg enumclaw for the win.

Enumclaw: fundies and horse-fuckers

Proverbs 31:10-31:

Description of a Worthy Woman
10An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
11The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
12She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
14She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
15She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
16She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
18She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
20She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
21She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and (W)purple.
23Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
25Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
26She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
29"Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."
30Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
31Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.

"She is like merchant ships" sounds like a noize meme.

does somebody with less Catholic baggage than me wanna write the Proverbs 31 parody plz, thanks

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk:Enumclaw%2C_Washington

lol at the defensive citizens of Enumclaw.

I always wanted a woman who could tend to my wool & flax.

And works with her hands in delight.

I don't know if we need a parody, J.D.

Proverbs 31:10-31:

Description of a Worthy Woman

10 An excellent wife, who can find?
Me. I can. look while I do it.
11 A man looks at her, she makes eye contact.
That means this woman wants you.
12 And yet she is chaste and not wanton
Free from mincing and gnashing of teeth.
13 She screams at the roar of the mouse
For she has not a brain in her head.
14 She is like the princess called Peach
Dependent to me and perhaps bipolar.
15 Cleaving only to me as she suckles our child
as she had succumbed to my bullet train manseed,
and produced something I cannot shake.
16 She considers a dress and buys it;
After she begs for the fruit of my wallet,
and if I think it does not look too slutty.
17 She thinks she is fat although she is not.
How can she be reassured?
18 Her place is known to herself and all.
That place nightly encircles my dick.
19 I picked her up on an exercise bike
At the Y near my house and the Mission.
20 Her spandex shone like the sunset
O'er the mountains of her legwarmers.
21 The VCR is not what she can program.
(I observed this for my stand-up improv.)
22 She sews clothing for our child the youngest,
the likes that Osh-Kosh could not design.
23 And yet she o'erspends of my income
And hers, too, that she gleans from the Applebee's.
24 A serious wife aims marriage,
a serious wife who aims marriage.
25 Pomp and Circumstance are never her garments,
she did not graduate from a high school.
26 Now for you, how to find such a morsel:
A classic want ad may instruct.
27 I first read this in Farmer's Journal:
Woman, must look good on inside & outside
and wish to move to a farm in Kentucky.
28 Her parents would meet me and upbraid me not
For I'll shield the hymen of their daughter.
29 Must love singly, work hard and own tractor,
love always the dog and the catching of fish.
30 She must spend time with my siblings,
but not with games so worldly as Boggle.
31 And the last, most important requirement:
Please send a photo of tractor.

14 She is like the princess called Peach
Dependent to me and perhaps bipolar.

fucking win

lolz

http://gbamedia.gamespy.com/gba/image/article/691/691797/super-princess-peach-20060227004708930.jpg

We met for a drink and you caught me making out with a man - m4w
Date: 2007-10-23, 9:27AM EDT

I'm sorry. You were taking so long in the bathroom and this guy was looking at me. Next thing I knew we were making out and you came back and stormed out of the bar. I just want you to know that I really liked you and I'm not gay, I just have gay experiences sometimes. You are a beautiful girl and I'm glad that you came on date with me. I would like very much to try again. This time I will give all my love to you.

hahahaha

I have to wonder if iiiijjjj ever got a reply from the post-fratboys.

A Band Named Eric
Reply to: comm-489100✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-11-25, 1:41PM PST

Drummer and bassist, both named Eric, looking for like-named musicians to start a new band named Eric. Please, only people named Eric or willing to legally change their name to Eric should reply.

Thanks,

Eric

2 small real pumpkins

Reply to: sale-489-✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-11-26, 10:54AM EST

Does anyone have any use for these?

lolcollege

To My Five Dumfuck Roomates
Reply to: pers-569989✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2008-02-10, 10:49PM CST

To start this on a lighter note, YOU ARE ALL FUCKING RETARDS.
Now that I've said that maybe ill try to tell you why you all deserve to have the right to add to the genetic pool removed.
1. I have a life outside of the house, None of you do.I go out to bars, restraunts , museums, coffe shops, I read indie magazines, I do not like any stereotypical male activities. (exception for sex but read on for that.) I have a life where it does not involve watching the game, drinking a couple of beers, and laughing at something that is hip on youtube. It is precisely this reason that I throw myself into school, culture, and not being at home. You're all 21 get a life past high school shit.

2. I have a double major, one in art and one in theoretical mathematics , which requires approximately 9000 percent of my time not spent sleeping and making myself not look like a bum. So if I on occasion forget my laundry in the dryer, or dont get to the single plate, cup, and pot that i dirtied ten seconds ago, please do not get outrageously bent out about it. Next time I find that my clean clothes were thrown on the disgusting basement floor, or dishes that I had used half an hour ago to make dinner with are in my nice clean bed, let me say that I will burn your section of the house down.

3. Please dont remind me that I'm not from a wealthy family by making sarcastic jokes about having a job, I can hear you and I swear to god that your car will not start ever again if i have to listen to how nice it is to be rich. Also eating all of my food, and then ordering pay per view which you expect me to help pay for is also off limits, along with running a space heater in your downstairs bathroom because you dont want a cold ass. Deal with it, I paid an extra 80 bucks for that shit last month, and trust me I'm going to fucking send you the bill.

4.On the topic of school, you are all unable to find majors that involve sports and burping, so you choose bullshit ones. Great for you, I didnt. Mr. Business major who never does homework, never leaves from the couch, and will not let me check the weather, You will probably make more money than me ever. But you're dumb, and so is that barely legal freshman you rail every weekend. My history major roomate, your parents are rich beyond absurdity ( they seriously bought you a thirty thousand dollar car after you smashed up your used bmw) and you will live off of them till you get your phd, good luck on doing anything with that when you can barely write a paper, or hold a conversation (exception for those about sports). The industrial engineer who lives with me, you are my best friend, but you are still dumb, you couldnt cut it as an ME, or a CE, or even as a consulting major, so you took engineers for business. Sorry. The ornmantel horticulture major, you're nice, but going to school to learn how to cut grass is a waste. and finally my construction management roomate. Actually you're not dumb, just never there to talk to.

4. I am not dumb because I am studying art. Once more and ill make art from your fucking cd collection.

5. Hour shower roomate, get the hell out of there, i want to be naked and wet too.

6. If I listen to a record, using headphones, at two in the morning with my door shut and the light on dim, please do not disturb me, Im tired and relaxing.

7.All of you drive nicer cars that your parents bought you, and I can understand that you dont want them scratched, but just because I drive a nicer used VW that I am personally paying for each month does not mean you can take my keys and park it in the little old ladies driveway she lets us use. I have a 4 inch clearence, and if my bottom if fucked, all of you are getting the bill. Trust me and let me park in the spot my rent is paying for, I promise i will not dent your car.

8. On the topic of sex, I have it on occasion, with the same steady partner, who no longer wants to come over due to the catcalls, pounding, and yelling. When you all are getting some, I have the curtesy to be quiet and in my room. Do the same or i swear you'll never get any again.

9.I work about 35 hours a week, and study for about 100 or something, so when i sleep i try to be quiet and not wake you up, six in the morning shouting about lifting when I've been asleep 45 minutes is not acceptable. A bat to your face just might be.

10. I'm done with this one. Nicknames are stupid, use my full name when i am around my friends and collegues or so help me god, I will tell the world all of your drunken secrets. Including the one about doing a chick who used to be a guy mr business major.

Thank you and goodnight I fucking hope.

He's got some atrocious spelling and grammar for someone so "smart".

I pity whoever this man marries. If he really works that hard, does he really have a life, outside the house or otherwise?

Although the dumping laundry on the basement floor or putting dishes into beds is kind of bullshit, unless its a chronic thing.

I REALLY don't miss college at all.

if these douchebags are so rich why do they need roommates?

Wow

I have a life where it does not involve watching the game, drinking a couple of beers, and laughing at something that is hip on youtube.

^^THIS IS THE ROOT OF YOUR PROBLEM DUDE

If he's so hung up on wealth he probably shouldn't be doing a double major in arts & theoretical maths

ts:

1. I have a life outside of the house

vs

I work about 35 hours a week, and study for about 100 or something

EXACTLY.