Real England

i'm wondering more how you raise 200K with bake sales...?

still, the naked criminality is breathtaking imo

I am going to abandon my plan to become a drug dealer and try and get into this academy school board of directors hustle. Far more lucrative, and probably almost zero chance of a prison sentence.

That article seems like it’s barely scratching the surface. No suggestion of fraud?!? Then where did the money go?

Extremely real sounding hostage situation at bowling alley on Bermuda retail park Nuneaton happening now

Bermuda Park leisure complex, rather

Sounds like toxic masculinity at play rather than terrorism.

Asked if the gunman was known to staff at the bowling alley, he said: “We believe from what my manageress tells me that he is an ex-husband or a boyfriend of a member of staff. That is what I know. I can’t confirm that for definite.”

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/oct/22/hostage-situation-reported-bermuda-park-nuneaton-retail-park-police-ongoing-situation

I'm p comfortable calling most terrorism a subset of toxic masculinity tbh

Not going to argue with that.

Quoted tweet using cry-laugh emoji possibly realest thing about this situation, amidst stiff competition

wrong cry-laugh emoji for perfect realness tbf

https://i.imgur.com/zwVZFPI.jpg

https://images-eu.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51y0pOqpCoL.jpg
https://images-eu.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51j2W6Vd-EL._SY346_.jpg
https://images-eu.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51uZ2edDdpL._SY346_.jpg
https://images-eu.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51tv7plnzPL._SY346_.jpg
https://images-eu.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51kRv55UJyL._AC_US327_QL65_.jpg
all of these still better than offbeat childhood memoirs by bad, not funny comedians imo.

deffo, i once went to the launch of one of these for Jackson's bakery and they gave me a model delivery van and all the red wine i could indiscreetly guzzle

also Poundworld Plus in Hull currently does blocks of Ritter at 75p a pop and i love them

I like Iceland's Best Served Cold title best, like maybe don't try this at home.

Needless to say he had the last laugh!

When I think of how ruthless and terrible some of the people I've worked for have been, and yet they still weren't quite ruthless + terrible enough to get to the Charlie Mullins level. I'm thinking his book might be used as reference in future academia.

Very much looking forward to mark s some day following in this tradition.

"HOT LIKE MY TAKES: a literally impenetrable guide to moral if not financial success (if success it even be)"

i hope charlie mullins’ boom expains why he has christmas decorations up outside his headquarters six months out of the twelve in a year.

book. a “charlie mullins boom” sounds euphemistic. a “brexit bollock”. a touch of the “tim martin mullets”.

a charlie mullins boom = a period of economic prosperity entirely based on inflated plumbing quotes.

speaking of which. a while ago on a sunday or bank holiday or something my brother’s wife said do you want a nice chestnut dining table for free. carelessly i said yes and she said ok we just need to pick it up from watford, the other side of london.

i booked a cheap man with a van who we arranged to meet in kentish town for some reason. he was hiding up a side street, he looked flea-bitten, and his van absolutely stank of... well, stale semen, frankly.

once he got moving it became apparent immediately that the brakes didn’t really exist. my brother’s wife wound down a window and clutched v hard to the seat. at one point drive seemed to doze off and nearly crashed into a car in front of us. i murmured to mbw that she could travel home by train if she wanted and she said yes she wanted.

we got to watford eventually and mbw’s sightly weird colleague. she got her husband to help me out with the table. once we’d lifted it up he explained that he shouldn’t really be doing this sort of thing because he’d had an operation recently and was still “stapled together”.

the removal of the table was extremely awkward because it was too large to be taken out of the front door, so we had to carry it around the back down a narrow passageway with a lot of “take it easy mate i’m not feeling too good”.

got it in the van. brother’s wife buggered off to the station and i got back in the van.

on the way back he played a lot of quite good music - wait i shazzam’d some of it, hang on (it was radio and he didn’t know the titles)... rats it doesn’t go back that far. sounded like bhangra.

got back after a comparatively uneventful but still mildly frightening trip. he asked me if i wanted a hand but i said i’d be fine. mbw arrived back and we tried to get it into the house.

too big for the front door. couldn’t get it in. ffs. brother turned up and said wtf are you doing. we explained it was too big. talked about chopping off the legs, cutting it in half or removing the front door. ended up - i can’t remember the reasoning here - calling pimlico plumbers. only ones available on a sunday.

he turned up. measured the table and measured the front door and said nah mate not a chance. he said we can come back tomorrow and remove the doors but even then i’m not sure we’ll get it past the front room.

we all looked at each other. my brother suggested asking the people in the tiny corner shop near us whether they’d look after it. after *much* inconsequential discussion we decided we’d give it one more go.

pushed a bit and it went in. then angled it past the front room and into the central dining room. not a problem. pimlico plumber pissed himself and charged us £120 for a call out fee.

although our stupidity was supreme, i’m still fucked off that he turned up, told us he couldn’t do it, then watched us shove it through and charged £120. unfortunately it feels like a tax on my own incompetence. charlie fuckin mullins.

Fuck, I would have paid him in pennies. I hate the way the PP website refers to their Electrical services as Electrics, but also I hate myself for when I type p-i into my google bar and the Pimilco plumbing .com address appears. Charlie Mullins O.B.E., appears to operate like a proper disreputable cowboy with the call out charges. And £80 to dispose of white goods is a pisstake as well. Fridges are mostly worthless, but cookers and washing machines left outside are gone in 10 seconds to the scrappers where I live.

yeah he’s an absolute arsehole.

NV did a good post iirc on modern day scrap/rag and bone collectors.

same with me tbh - you can leave stuff outside even for legit council collection and the vans do the rounds first thing in the morning and grab anything they can use.

Londoners looking to avoid Pimlico Plumbers could do a lot worse than the all-woman workforce of stopcocks.uk

Hah, that's brilliant!

Much better than the Sikh builders that used the slogan: You've already tried the Cowboys, now try the Indians.

like about 2000 of them, or something.

brilliant.

Londoners looking to avoid Pimlico Plumbers could do a lot worse than the all-woman workforce of stopcocks.uk
― kim jong deal (suzy), Wednesday, October 25, 2017 2:07 PM (thirty-nine minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

that's wonderful

https://www.londonnewsonline.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/bim-m-NEW-IR400x800.gif

Let's Catch These Scum For Stealing The Poppy Collection Tin

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DOTAP5bX0AAwYDr.jpg

Man 'partially disembowelled' by neighbour in bizarre row over parcel delivery 'didn't realise he'd been stabbed six times'

The bitter feud began when Mike Williams, 58, received a card from the Royal Mail telling him that his parcel had been left next door with neighbour Allessandro Nicholls.

A few days later Mr Williams, an ex-heavyweight boxer who worked as a doorman for 30 years, went to collect the item - a vitamin sample he ordered online, Manchester Evening News reports.

But his neighbour claimed he knew nothing about the delivery, a court heard - until Nicholls' girlfriend pointed out the parcel which turned out to have been opened.

Mr Williams launched into a torrent of abuse, swearing at the couple and telling them they "belong in a nut", Manchester Crown Court was told.

walnut or hazelnut?

That might be a good question for the macadamiac Nutellagentsia!

All I want is a cheese burger

— isabel harvey (@isabelalice_0x) April 23, 2016

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdUoZJvdipA

Xxxxp a vitamin sample he bought online, lol

Anything with a suggestion of steroid abuse in the north has me doing italian chef's fingers, ah yeah, that's the real england

Yes that's very good

could be put into a lot of different threads this poster but..

https://i2-prod.liverpoolecho.co.uk/whats-on/whats-on-news/article13898516.ece/ALTERNATES/s615b/unnamed-2.jpg

you love half dem acts

jesus

Man out of Courteeners called me a faggot once

Ambulance bosses react with fury to video showing man hurling abuse at paramedic

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/uk-news/how-you-find-words-ambulance-13895963#ICID=ios_MENNewsApp_AppShare_Click_Other

Sry still haven't worked out how to do links properly in zing

Greggs launches Advent calendar - replaces baby Jesus with sausage roll @greggsofficial https://t.co/NGe5aY0fzK

— Matt Westcott (@mattwecho) November 14, 2017