Homemade Jokes

"Never trust a person whose name can be pronounced the same forwards and backwards, like 'Bob' or 'Snatans.'"

- "The top of Three Mile Island's reactor core was exposed and the intense heat caused a reaction to occur between the steam forming in the reactor core and the Zircaloy nuclear fuel rod cladding, yielding zirconium dioxide, hydrogen, and additional heat. This reaction melted the nuclear fuel rod cladding and damaged the fuel pellets, which released radioactive isotopes to the reactor coolant, and produced hydrogen gas that is believed to have caused a small explosion in Three Mile Island's containment building."

- "Whoa, whoa, whoa. TMI, man. TMI."

hahaha works for me

What do you call the tendency to over-medicate allergy symptoms?

Over-Reactine

I just walked into the restroom at work and, seeing that every stall was occupied, thought to myself, 'wow, full house...or is it a royal flush?!?'.

(I swear that this popped into my head with zero conscious effort. I've already scheduled an appointment with my neurologist, so no worries.)

What kind of hand were you holding?

good one old lunch

thats when lbron james coems out of a stall in a cloud of weed smoke and says "nah, just a king high."

These homemade jokes are every bit as good as the industrially manufactured ones!

'Sleeping together'.... you don't sleep!

as long as it wasn't a couple of deuces in the pocket

What does Lebron James eat for breakfast? Lebran flakes.

Walking down the street, overheard some guy exclaiming to a woman "You're from Bolivia ?!"

and I really wanted to say to the woman "he doesn't believia"

my fave classic ilx joke is the one about stevie nicks

where did stevie nicks do her lines?

in the bathroom

http://wallpaperen.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/unique-images-of-the-strongest-man-in-the-world-here-are-the-2016-world-s-strongest-man-groups-and-events-images-of-the-strongest-man-in-the-world.png

Look at this guy! Even without seeing his body, you can tell he's ripped, from the head lines.

*groans*

^ not just my reaction, but my caption to the image.

Trump's favourite martial art?

Krav MAGA

Something about constipated optimists living in a world of make-believe.

What do you call two angry meth heads?

Para-noids

(Not my joke)

What does Dave Coulier say after the doctor tells him there's been a golfball-sized tumor in his brain for his entire adult life?

'(shitty Bullwinkle voice) Gee, doc, would you mind removing that pesky tumor? (shitty Popeye laugh)'

Sat down with my kid and had a talk with her as she gets ready for junior high. You know, don't drink, don't smoke, avoid drugs, try to be frugal...

You know, a Minor Prep.

How does Tesla's CEO stretch before he goes fishing?

He does a muskellunge.

where does Dracula buy his stationery?

Pencil-vania

haha, that's good

Q: What do English people do after brushing their teeth?

A: They rinse with Lorcesterine

Omg

schedule next year's

panel 1: new arrival in heaven, standing at the pearly gates, big smile
panel 2: newbie strikes up a conversation, says "i can't believe i made it to heaven! eternal paradise! so relieved! mortal life on earth kind sucked, eh?"
panel 3: other guy to newbie "i dunno. it had its challenges but overall i found it and rewarding and rich."
panel 4: newbie's face - eyes distant with a faint expression of despair settling in

Well, homegrown's
all right with me.
Homegrown
is the way it should be.
Homegrown
is a good thing.
Plant that bell
and let it ring.

hey rip I like your comic but not sure I get the joke do you mind explaining it

I realize it's flawed, but the gist is the new guy thought heaven would be a place where everyone was in accord and no one had opinions which might baffle or irritate you (or maybe just a place where you never felt irritated by anything)

is it loss

hehe ok

Heaven is full of sanctimonious do-gooders.

What was the German political playwright's first meal of the day?

Brecht-fast.

I have no clue whatsoever where to put this, so I'm putting it here.

I've had this phrase in my head a lot in recent years that my paternal grandmother would say sometimes at the end of the day when she would finally turn off the television at 10 or 11 at night with the remote control, which she would slap down on the table with one hand, as she would then use that as a boost to stand up (which must have been hard after drinking peppermint schnapps and whiskey and chain smoking all afternoon): "Lordy matordy!"

As a kid, I always thought this "Matordy" fellow was somewhat of a mystery. Who is this Mister Matordee?

(that's how my ten-year-old brain spelled it; more on spelling later)

Anyway, over the years, I made the connection that it was just a nonsense word that sounded silly and rhymed with "Lordy."

I, however, did not give up on Mister Matordee. How could I!

So, here the joke begins in the mind of sixteen year old Austin:

"Mitorty" is how it was originally spelled. But in order to be able to skip town and avoid the law in the next town, they started using the original Italian spelling (which they learned from "Little Dan"). This stuck with them through several generations to where it became the official spelling on public and police records.

Paternal grandfather; Richard's father: Daniel "Little Dan" Mytortti

Father, protagonist: Richard "Little Ricky" Mytortti

Son; Richard's first child: Daniel "Little Danny" Mytortti

Wife; first time married for her and Richard, though she does have a daughter from a previous relationship: Belinda "Little Linda" Mytortti-Contreras

Stepdaughter; Belinda's from a previous relationship: Ermelinda "Little Lindy" Mytortti-Contreras

Maternal grandmother; Belinda's mother: Rosalynda "Little Linder" Contreras

The joke is that the mob has always called every Mytortti "Little _______ Mytortti" regardless of their stature, physical or otherwise. The family has now, as a whimsical little counter-joke, tried to make the nicknames as interchangeable as possible.

"Hilarity" ensues, generation after generation.

Lordy matordy!

what is a crack heads favorite nursery rhyme

A: the crack came back the very next day

"I just got banned from an arts & crafts group, and you're never gonna believe why"
"Oh yeah, what's the name of the group, and what did they ban you for?"
"Sewing Discord"

that is very good

I went to a restaurant a couple weeks ago and got the raw seafood platter, and not only was the amount meager, but the actual shellfish they served were minuscule! It wasn't cheap, and I really felt ripped off. I talked to the manager to see if they could throw in just some extra shrimps or something, but she wouldn't budge or even apologize, so now I'm taking them to small clams court.

wife commented that team announced on university challenge all had excellent jobs and i sung dollar dollar balliol and got this :?

You should've married ILX when you had the chance, we get you

she was here first

figures

krazy attracts krazy

what is a crack heads favorite nursery rhyme

A: the crack came back the very next day

― Ross, Tuesday, October 16, 2018 5:01 PM (one month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

can i take back everything bad i've felt or said about ross

Excellent joke and I miss Ross

About an hour ago my 12 year-old almost pushed me down the stairs. I told if I had died that's called patricide. And if she murders her sister, that's fratricide, and so on. She asked:

"And if I kill (her stepfather)? Is that step-aside?"

v decent effort that