Homemade Jokes

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What do you call two angry meth heads?

Para-noids

(Not my joke)

Ross, Wednesday, 18 July 2018 13:49 (six years ago) link

What does Dave Coulier say after the doctor tells him there's been a golfball-sized tumor in his brain for his entire adult life?

'(shitty Bullwinkle voice) Gee, doc, would you mind removing that pesky tumor? (shitty Popeye laugh)'

Pizza's the food that's sure to please! (Old Lunch), Thursday, 19 July 2018 15:31 (six years ago) link

two weeks pass...

Sat down with my kid and had a talk with her as she gets ready for junior high. You know, don't drink, don't smoke, avoid drugs, try to be frugal...

You know, a Minor Prep.

pplains, Tuesday, 7 August 2018 17:37 (six years ago) link

How does Tesla's CEO stretch before he goes fishing?

He does a muskellunge.

how's life, Tuesday, 14 August 2018 10:43 (six years ago) link

where does Dracula buy his stationery?

Pencil-vania

Scritti Vanilli - The Word Girl You Know It's True (dog latin), Friday, 17 August 2018 10:38 (six years ago) link

haha, that's good

niels, Friday, 17 August 2018 10:57 (six years ago) link

Q: What do English people do after brushing their teeth?

A: They rinse with Lorcesterine

flamboyant goon tie included, Saturday, 25 August 2018 15:32 (six years ago) link

Omg

The Vermilion Sand Reckoner (James Redd and the Blecchs), Saturday, 25 August 2018 15:33 (six years ago) link

schedule next year's

a roomba of one's own (rip van wanko), Saturday, 25 August 2018 15:36 (six years ago) link

one month passes...

panel 1: new arrival in heaven, standing at the pearly gates, big smile
panel 2: newbie strikes up a conversation, says "i can't believe i made it to heaven! eternal paradise! so relieved! mortal life on earth kind sucked, eh?"
panel 3: other guy to newbie "i dunno. it had its challenges but overall i found it and rewarding and rich."
panel 4: newbie's face - eyes distant with a faint expression of despair settling in

rip van wanko, Wednesday, 10 October 2018 01:47 (six years ago) link

Well, homegrown's
all right with me.
Homegrown
is the way it should be.
Homegrown
is a good thing.
Plant that bell
and let it ring.

reggie (qualmsley), Wednesday, 10 October 2018 02:54 (six years ago) link

hey rip I like your comic but not sure I get the joke do you mind explaining it

niels, Wednesday, 10 October 2018 06:17 (six years ago) link

I realize it's flawed, but the gist is the new guy thought heaven would be a place where everyone was in accord and no one had opinions which might baffle or irritate you (or maybe just a place where you never felt irritated by anything)

rip van wanko, Wednesday, 10 October 2018 08:10 (six years ago) link

is it loss

Toss another shrimpl air on the bbqbbq (ledge), Wednesday, 10 October 2018 08:36 (six years ago) link

hehe ok

niels, Wednesday, 10 October 2018 09:27 (six years ago) link

Heaven is full of sanctimonious do-gooders.

brain (krakow), Wednesday, 10 October 2018 10:07 (six years ago) link

What was the German political playwright's first meal of the day?

Brecht-fast.

brain (krakow), Sunday, 14 October 2018 11:46 (six years ago) link

I have no clue whatsoever where to put this, so I'm putting it here.

I've had this phrase in my head a lot in recent years that my paternal grandmother would say sometimes at the end of the day when she would finally turn off the television at 10 or 11 at night with the remote control, which she would slap down on the table with one hand, as she would then use that as a boost to stand up (which must have been hard after drinking peppermint schnapps and whiskey and chain smoking all afternoon): "Lordy matordy!"

As a kid, I always thought this "Matordy" fellow was somewhat of a mystery. Who is this Mister Matordee?

(that's how my ten-year-old brain spelled it; more on spelling later)

Anyway, over the years, I made the connection that it was just a nonsense word that sounded silly and rhymed with "Lordy."

I, however, did not give up on Mister Matordee. How could I!

So, here the joke begins in the mind of sixteen year old Austin:

"Mitorty" is how it was originally spelled. But in order to be able to skip town and avoid the law in the next town, they started using the original Italian spelling (which they learned from "Little Dan"). This stuck with them through several generations to where it became the official spelling on public and police records.

Paternal grandfather; Richard's father: Daniel "Little Dan" Mytortti

Father, protagonist: Richard "Little Ricky" Mytortti

Son; Richard's first child: Daniel "Little Danny" Mytortti

Wife; first time married for her and Richard, though she does have a daughter from a previous relationship: Belinda "Little Linda" Mytortti-Contreras

Stepdaughter; Belinda's from a previous relationship: Ermelinda "Little Lindy" Mytortti-Contreras

Maternal grandmother; Belinda's mother: Rosalynda "Little Linder" Contreras

The joke is that the mob has always called every Mytortti "Little _______ Mytortti" regardless of their stature, physical or otherwise. The family has now, as a whimsical little counter-joke, tried to make the nicknames as interchangeable as possible.

"Hilarity" ensues, generation after generation.

Totally different head. Totally. (Austin), Tuesday, 16 October 2018 04:46 (six years ago) link

Lordy matordy!

niels, Tuesday, 16 October 2018 06:11 (six years ago) link

what is a crack heads favorite nursery rhyme

A: the crack came back the very next day

Ross, Tuesday, 16 October 2018 16:01 (six years ago) link

three weeks pass...

"I just got banned from an arts & crafts group, and you're never gonna believe why"
"Oh yeah, what's the name of the group, and what did they ban you for?"
"Sewing Discord"

ghood ghravie (unregistered), Wednesday, 7 November 2018 15:43 (six years ago) link

that is very good

vote no on ilxit (Will M.), Wednesday, 7 November 2018 15:52 (six years ago) link

I went to a restaurant a couple weeks ago and got the raw seafood platter, and not only was the amount meager, but the actual shellfish they served were minuscule! It wasn't cheap, and I really felt ripped off. I talked to the manager to see if they could throw in just some extra shrimps or something, but she wouldn't budge or even apologize, so now I'm taking them to small clams court.

mick signals, Tuesday, 13 November 2018 00:36 (five years ago) link

two weeks pass...

wife commented that team announced on university challenge all had excellent jobs and i sung dollar dollar balliol and got this :?

old yeller-at-clouds (darraghmac), Tuesday, 27 November 2018 19:36 (five years ago) link

You should've married ILX when you had the chance, we get you

mick signals, Tuesday, 27 November 2018 19:38 (five years ago) link

she was here first

old yeller-at-clouds (darraghmac), Tuesday, 27 November 2018 19:40 (five years ago) link

figures

krazy attracts krazy

F# A# (∞), Tuesday, 27 November 2018 19:40 (five years ago) link

what is a crack heads favorite nursery rhyme

A: the crack came back the very next day

― Ross, Tuesday, October 16, 2018 5:01 PM (one month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

can i take back everything bad i've felt or said about ross

macropuente (map), Tuesday, 27 November 2018 20:04 (five years ago) link

Excellent joke and I miss Ross

fgti is for (flamboyant goon tie included), Tuesday, 27 November 2018 20:33 (five years ago) link

About an hour ago my 12 year-old almost pushed me down the stairs. I told if I had died that's called patricide. And if she murders her sister, that's fratricide, and so on. She asked:

"And if I kill (her stepfather)? Is that step-aside?"

Rhine Jive Click Bait (Hadrian VIII), Thursday, 29 November 2018 20:30 (five years ago) link

v decent effort that

old yeller-at-clouds (darraghmac), Thursday, 29 November 2018 20:53 (five years ago) link

does my tweet count as a homemade joke? i just want to put it somewhere because i'm very proud of it

teen heartthrob Pacey Winger (Will M.), Tuesday, 4 December 2018 22:13 (five years ago) link

lol I enjoyed that

and I'm pretty sure "...and ixnay on the hombre tonight" is something I will never be able to excise from my brain

rip van wanko, Wednesday, 5 December 2018 00:35 (five years ago) link

two weeks pass...

Not really a joke, but: I saw a comedian last night who did a bit about how weird it was that the height of horses was measured in "hands". He talked about how rich people (i.e. horse owners) must be crazy for not just measuring horse height in meters.

Meanwhile, I was sitting there thinking "if human height is measured in feet, then horse height should be measured in hooves, not hands"

flamboyant goon tie included, Wednesday, 19 December 2018 15:11 (five years ago) link

Makes more sense than meters.

✈️✈️ (pplains), Wednesday, 19 December 2018 18:53 (five years ago) link

one month passes...

Did you hear that Duplo Valley is threatening to leave Legoland?

They're calling it Brickzit.

peace, man, Thursday, 31 January 2019 14:34 (five years ago) link

two weeks pass...

Not a homemade joke of my own, but an anecdote that I think is so funny that I wanted to post it somewhere:

My ex-boyfriend is Filipino, and I sometimes attempted to cook Filipino food for him. A few years ago, I made him leche flan. (Typically it is steamed on stovetop, but I, like many other cheaters, cooked it in the oven.) You make a syrup and put it on the bottom of the muffin tins. You make a curd and you stir it slowly and put it on top. You cook it and it should come out just fine.

Not having a candy thermometer, I heated the syrup a touch too hot and it settled hard instead of soft. As a result, the top of my flans were kind of jagged and didn't have anything more than a veneer of caramel-ly sweetness. It turned out OK nonetheless.

My ex-boyfriend was always very stingy with praise in private, and made a big deal about how the flans were "ok, whatever" but ate several of them.

We were visiting his family a week or so later. He has an aunt named Tita Dan who was very, very funny, and an excellent cook. "fgti made leche flan," my ex-bf bragged to her. She made a beeline over to me. "You did, did you?" Yes, Tita Dan. "Did you stir the curd slowly?" Yes, Tita Dan. "You need to stir the curd very slowly so as not to get bubbles in it." Yes, I know, I had no bubbles. "How slow did you stir it?" Very slowly, Tita.

She came close and she said, "In the Philippines, I learned a trick to leche flan. You think you're stirring it slowly enough, but you never are. So what you do is you say one rosary for every time you turn the spoon around the pan. You take your time and say the rosary. That's how you know you're making it right."

She stepped back and pointed accusingly at me and my boyfriend. "And that is why non-believers like you will NEVER make a good leche flan!!"

flamboyant goon tie included, Wednesday, 20 February 2019 01:30 (five years ago) link

ok i laughed out loud

they're not booing you, sir, they're shouting "Boo'd Up" (Will M.), Wednesday, 20 February 2019 16:29 (five years ago) link

two weeks pass...

Mathematician: Somebody keeps biting the tips off my triangles!
Ecologist: Sounds like an apex predator.

mick signals, Thursday, 7 March 2019 21:44 (five years ago) link

Q: What is Tigra and Bunny's favorite of the standard spars on a classically rigged sailing ship?

mick signals, Saturday, 9 March 2019 15:23 (five years ago) link

I don't know, what is Tigra and Bunny's favorite of the standard spars on a classically rigged sailing ship?

imago, Saturday, 9 March 2019 15:28 (five years ago) link

We are Tigra and Bunny and we like the gaff

flamboyant goon tie included, Saturday, 9 March 2019 15:30 (five years ago) link

three weeks pass...

(this one will start a fight)

When someone is being a jerk:

Hey, do you think humans are alone in the universe?

(Hopefully they say "Yes" here, otherwise run away)

Okay, try to make a better impression when they get here.

Totally different head. Totally. (Austin), Wednesday, 3 April 2019 01:03 (five years ago) link

holy shit i typed that completely fucking wrong. maybe that was the joke?

that was THREE HOURS AGO?

sorry everyone.

this was REALLY funny. for me and me and me alone.

oh, boy.

Totally different head. Totally. (Austin), Wednesday, 3 April 2019 03:59 (five years ago) link

I get what you were trying to say, Austin. I'm going to use that.

☮ (peace, man), Wednesday, 3 April 2019 11:43 (five years ago) link

you must have a pH of 7 or greater, because you're basic

(i'm sure i didn't come up with that but i don't get out much)

rip van wanko, Wednesday, 3 April 2019 13:25 (five years ago) link

two months pass...

The young playboy was always running up debts, gambling and such, but this time it was looking severe. They were threatening to break his leg -- or even his handsome nose.

One fine afternoon, he picked up his elderly aunt from her country estate to take her for a drive in his sporty new roadster. Before they got far, though, the motorcar went off the road at top speed and struck a boulder.

When the police arrived, they found the lady lying several yards from the crash with a broken neck. The lad, though, was securely buckled into his seat and perfectly unscathed apart from a scratch or two. Indeed, he was smiling benignly, and in his right hand he held a clump of high-denomination banknotes that was slowly dripping spunk.

What happened, asked the constable?

"Oh dear," replied the lad. "Terribly shocking, but when poor Auntie died, I seem to have come into a bit of money."

mick signals, Sunday, 16 June 2019 15:08 (five years ago) link

Q: What's a vegetarian's favourite breakfast cereal?
A: Quorn flakes

van dyke parks generator (anagram), Sunday, 16 June 2019 15:15 (five years ago) link

mick signals

flamboyant goon tie included, Sunday, 16 June 2019 15:40 (five years ago) link

Johnny Cash falls in love with a woman of mesoamerican heritage who keeps a menagerie of wild animals, or something. Punchline: "Because you're Mayan, I walk the lion".

fetter, Monday, 17 June 2019 15:04 (five years ago) link


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