I think it's a sign of how ridiculous things have gotten that neither of those stories struck me as particularly absurd or onion-esque when I read about them earlier.
― Roz, Monday, 10 June 2019 14:28 (five years ago) link
Justin Bieber challenges Tom Cruise to a fight
― I don't get wet because I am tall and thin and I am afraid of people (Eliza D.), Monday, 10 June 2019 14:31 (five years ago) link
not gonna lie i would def pirate a pay-per-view stream of that match
― God may judge you but his sins outnumber your own. (bizarro gazzara), Monday, 10 June 2019 14:32 (five years ago) link
Fraser Anning candidate who is robot sex expert given Queen's birthday honour
https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2019/jun/11/fraser-anning-candidate-given-queens-birthday-honour
― Stoop Crone (Trayce), Tuesday, 11 June 2019 07:48 (five years ago) link
"Eating giant crab legs for YouTube has made her a millionaire, she says."
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/11/style/youtube-mukbang-bloveslife-bethany-gaskin.html
― joygoat, Tuesday, 11 June 2019 15:33 (five years ago) link
For Trayce's story, some context: Fraser Anning is an Australian Nazi
― And according to some websites, there were “sexcapades.” (James Morrison), Friday, 14 June 2019 03:46 (five years ago) link
Yes sorry I meant to add context as to who he was but got distracted. Also I should have pasted his photo, good god.
― Stoop Crone (Trayce), Friday, 14 June 2019 04:08 (five years ago) link
If anyone LOOKED like a Nazi who wanted to fuck robots...
― And according to some websites, there were “sexcapades.” (James Morrison), Friday, 14 June 2019 06:28 (five years ago) link
The Onion a month ago pic.twitter.com/LTdVtwD42f— Doug Hageman (@DougHageman) June 14, 2019
shit that is an onion article ...
― calzino, Saturday, 15 June 2019 16:37 (five years ago) link
got another capitalism greatest hit. i will give you one hundred thousand dollars if you can guess the brand by the end pic.twitter.com/bwfJJLabg4— Ryan Simmons (@rysimmons) June 27, 2019
― mookieproof, Thursday, 27 June 2019 18:45 (five years ago) link
lol, i thought that was the superbowl cotton ad; ending cracked me up
― Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Thursday, 27 June 2019 19:50 (five years ago) link
hahahaha wut
― d'ILM for Murder (Hadrian VIII), Thursday, 27 June 2019 21:13 (five years ago) link
omg
― gbx, Friday, 28 June 2019 17:23 (five years ago) link
darkhttps://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/31/business/jeffrey-epstein-eugenics.html
Jeffrey E. Epstein, the wealthy financier and accused sex trafficker, had an unusual dream: He hoped to seed the human race with his DNA by impregnating women at his vast New Mexico ranch.
― Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Wednesday, 31 July 2019 20:06 (five years ago) link
Jeffrey Eugenides
― The Ravishing of ROFL Stein (Hadrian VIII), Wednesday, 31 July 2019 20:10 (five years ago) link
Dairy Queen burgers are not made of human flesh, county coroner is forced to confirm https://t.co/5aHIFFVfcR— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) August 25, 2019
― hedonic treadmill class action (Sanpaku), Sunday, 25 August 2019 20:51 (five years ago) link
They should have gone full-Onion with this one, e.g. "The suspect, who bears an uncanny resemblance to the two-time Oscar and three-time Golden Globe-winning star of such films as Argo and Batman v. Superman, is believed to be in his mid to late 20s."
https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2019/09/11/ben-affleck-look-alike-wanted-after-milton-lcbo-theft.html
― dinnerboat, Wednesday, 11 September 2019 14:21 (five years ago) link
Newsweek abases itself, again:
Massive Semen Explosion after Blaze Hits Bull Artificial Insemination Facility, Firefighters Forced to Dodge 'Projectiles'
― hedonic treadmill class action (Sanpaku), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 06:36 (five years ago) link
bullkake
― The Ravishing of ROFL Stein (Hadrian VIII), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 11:35 (five years ago) link
Ugh. Don't you hate it when that happens?
― StanM, Wednesday, 18 September 2019 12:07 (five years ago) link
lol I was thinking "What does Glenn Beck have to do with this now?"
― Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 13:52 (five years ago) link
Yarram Herd Services Committee vice chairman Aaron Thomas said the loss of 100 cryogenic cylinders of cattle semen will be a "huge blow" for the farmers.
i have questions about australian farmers' bull-milking methods
― Is it true the star Beetle Juice is going to explode in 2012 (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 14:06 (five years ago) link
reminds me, what do you call a field full of masturbating cows?
― The Ravishing of ROFL Stein (Hadrian VIII), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 18:18 (five years ago) link
beef stroganoff
lol
― president of deluded fruitcakes anonymous (silby), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 18:56 (five years ago) link
This wearable chair could change how we work and travel pic.twitter.com/KO8QoUcrut— Tech Insider (@techinsider) September 18, 2019
― mookieproof, Wednesday, 18 September 2019 20:53 (five years ago) link
i dunno man for a music festival i might be willing to suffer the indignity
― Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 21:35 (five years ago) link
Not sure why that video is 3 minutes long.
Man gets on bus, but can't use the bus seats because he has tech equiv of a shooting stick strapped to his arse.
― koogs, Thursday, 19 September 2019 04:13 (five years ago) link
man is used to have chair strapped to his legs, sits down while not wearing them, breaks his assbone, sues, profit.
― StanM, Thursday, 19 September 2019 04:51 (five years ago) link
can't wait until businesses require employees to bring their own chairs to work
― Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Thursday, 19 September 2019 13:40 (five years ago) link
Kids having to bring their own chairs to school - can see that happening under a Tory government <----- trenchant social commentary
― Let them eat Pfifferlinge an Schneckensauce (Tom D.), Thursday, 19 September 2019 13:43 (five years ago) link
https://slate.com/technology/2019/09/the-infinite-scream-twitter-account-stopped-screaming-to-talk-impeachment.html
― wasdnuos (abanana), Thursday, 26 September 2019 23:33 (four years ago) link
No ice. No stirrer. No glass. We're redefining how whisky can be enjoyed. Introducing The Glenlivet Capsule Collection #noglassrequired pic.twitter.com/F4MGErsfZM— The Glenlivet (@TheGlenlivet) October 2, 2019
― silverfish, Saturday, 5 October 2019 03:46 (four years ago) link
Justin Bieber defends buying designer kittenshttps://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-49944571
"Justin Bieber has told animal rights group Peta to "suck it" after it criticised him for buying designer kittens rather than re-homing cats from a shelter. According to the Hollywood Reporter, the singer spent $35,000 (£28,000) on a pair of Savannah cats named Sushi and Tuna. ...
Sushi and Tuna are not the Canadian star's first exotic pets. In 2013 Justin was given a Capuchin monkey called OG Mally, which he tried to take on tour to Germany. The monkey was confiscated from him and donated to a German zoo."
I learn from another report that Bieber's monkey hasn't fared very well in the Zoo. "He still has issues speaking the Capuchin language. He still tries to imitate human speech. He sometimes makes weird scratchy sounds which are not typical for Capuchins. That’s why we think he still tries to talk to humans. ... he was taken away from his mother and natural family way too early. He did not learn to be a monkey."
You know, that raises a question. What if Superman's capsule had landed in the jungles of Paraguay, and he had been raised by capuchin monkeys instead of Ma and Pa Kent? He would be Tarzan, but with extraordinary powers. Instead of fighting General Zod he probably wouldn't give a toss about him - what would he care if the human race is enslaved by a bunch of Kryptonian fascists? - unless of course they tried to cut down the jungles, in which case he would be very upset.
Could Superman breed with monkeys? I know there's a comic where Superman landed in the Soviet Union - Superman: Red Son - but what if he landed in the jungle? What if he landed in the oceans, and was raised by dolphins? What if his capsule crashed into Jupiter instead and he was raised by space whales or floating gas creatures? The mind boggles.
― Ashley Pomeroy, Saturday, 5 October 2019 16:22 (four years ago) link
xp finally, a whiskey pod to entice the future drinker who used to make tide pod memes
― mh, Saturday, 5 October 2019 16:32 (four years ago) link
Sarah YorkGuys I don’t know how to tell you this. Teens are gonna put these in their butts.Local IdiotTeens? I'm 37.
― StanM, Saturday, 5 October 2019 17:14 (four years ago) link
mmm lukewarm whiskey with gelatin
― Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Saturday, 5 October 2019 20:00 (four years ago) link
seaweed based rather than gelatin, i thought, assuming they are the same as the capsules they handed out during the marathon.
but you've still got a mouth full of seaweed and whisky.
( https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/london-marathon-edible-water-bottle-capsules-a8889796.html )
― koogs, Saturday, 5 October 2019 21:20 (four years ago) link
https://www.theguardian.com/music/2019/oct/21/drill-rapper-rico-racks-jailed-and-banned-from-rapping-certain-words
As part of his sentence, he was given a criminal behaviour order for five years. It prevents him from rapping words such as bandoe (a house used for drug dealing and consumption), trapping (dealing), and connect (a drugs contact). He is also banned from saying whipping, a slang term used for driving that has also been used to refer to drug preparation.
― Le Bateau Ivre, Tuesday, 22 October 2019 08:53 (four years ago) link
New York arm-wrestling legend and his mom arrested for selling ‘Apricots From God’ as bogus cancer cure. https://t.co/pwy2h39FMo— Jeanne Whalen (@JeanneWhalen) October 24, 2019
― mookieproof, Thursday, 24 October 2019 14:35 (four years ago) link
Is...is everyone at The Athletic OK? Correct me if I’m wrong but it appears they have sent someone to Ireland to talk to someone who can’t remember taking a throw in. At what point do we stage an intervention? pic.twitter.com/40QMRRCPNn— Daley (@DaleyAFC) October 24, 2019
actual piece is paywalled but these excerpts are certainly tantalising
― wot's the tea mum? (not beef again) (DJ Mencap), Sunday, 24 November 2019 20:56 (four years ago) link
Guy makes dating app that features just one guy -- himself
― Lee626, Tuesday, 26 November 2019 10:20 (four years ago) link
https://i.imgur.com/CGpdynW.jpg
― mookieproof, Tuesday, 3 December 2019 20:07 (four years ago) link
I'm the assistant manager of my regional bathroom
― Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Tuesday, 3 December 2019 20:28 (four years ago) link
Angry Mob Of Lawyers Attacks Hospital, Causing Deaths Of 3 Patients
Members of the mob, dressed primarily in dark suits, white shirts and black ties, and armed with sticks, beat hospital employees, damaged hospital equipment and smashed the doors of emergency theaters. Some fired gunshots, torched hospital and police vehicles and blocked the entry of arriving ambulances.
― полезный инструмент (Sanpaku), Thursday, 12 December 2019 06:07 (four years ago) link
Cripes
― Swilling Ambergris, Esq. (silby), Thursday, 12 December 2019 07:33 (four years ago) link
Conservative radio host wishes for a ‘nice school shooting’ to distract from impeachment
― silverfish, Thursday, 19 December 2019 14:18 (four years ago) link
“Given the history of school violence that has plagued our community, 710 KNUS confirms that an inappropriate comment was made on the Chuck & Julie show by co-host Chuck Bonniwell,” the station said Wednesday evening. “A programming decision was made to end the program immediately.”The Colorado Times Recorder was the first to report Bonniwell’s remark.KNUS said it will fill the newly empty time slot with former Trump administration official Sebastian Gorka’s “America First” show.The station is in the middle of an internal investigation over social media posts made on the Russian social media site VK. A user on that site with the same name as a KNUS producer, Kirk Widlund, posted pro-Nazi material that was uncovered by a local antifascist group.Widlund has denied ever using the site. KNUS manager Brian Taylor declined to comment on the matter to TPM last Friday.
The Colorado Times Recorder was the first to report Bonniwell’s remark.
KNUS said it will fill the newly empty time slot with former Trump administration official Sebastian Gorka’s “America First” show.
The station is in the middle of an internal investigation over social media posts made on the Russian social media site VK. A user on that site with the same name as a KNUS producer, Kirk Widlund, posted pro-Nazi material that was uncovered by a local antifascist group.
Widlund has denied ever using the site. KNUS manager Brian Taylor declined to comment on the matter to TPM last Friday.
― Peaceful Warrior I Poser (Karl Malone), Thursday, 19 December 2019 17:55 (four years ago) link
cool then
― Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Thursday, 19 December 2019 18:00 (four years ago) link
no knus is good knus
― mookieproof, Thursday, 19 December 2019 19:52 (four years ago) link