Not all messages are displayed:
show all messages (100 of them)
A grasshopper walks into a pub and says, "One beer, please!" The bartender says:
- Whoa! Did you know we have a drink named after you?
- What, "Dave"?
― Tuomas, Wednesday, 8 July 2009 17:30 (fourteen years ago) link
Ramon and Pepe are trekking through the Mexican desert on the run from the federales. Water supplies are low and they are completely out of food. At the point of total despair, Pepe spies a tree in the distance... As they draw closer they see the branches are festooned with succulent rashers of bacon. Abandoning caution, Pepe sprints towards the tree, and is immediately opened fire upon by a platoon of soldiers hiding behind nearby rocks. With the last of his strength, he crawls towards his shocked comrade and shouts, "Ramon! Is no a bacon tree! Is a ham bush!"
― chap, Wednesday, 8 July 2009 18:18 (fourteen years ago) link
Two legionnaires are lost in the desert, they've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"
The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."
The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me... all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top ... I cannot help you..."
The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate, we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now, Do you have any you can sell us?"
The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, I can't help you either. All I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."
The legionnaires carried on through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other, and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar..."
― last night i dreamt somebody shoved me (ledge), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 18:40 (fourteen years ago) link
so these two old ladies were out pickin potatoes
one of em lifts one up outta the ground and says "why, this reminds me of my husband's balls!"
the other one's like "wow, they're that big?"
"no, they're that dirty"
― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 8 July 2009 21:06 (fourteen years ago) link
The New Adventures of Keats and Chapman: A Selection of Improbable Tales
Mathews has long been an admirer of Flann O'Brien, especially his famous Keats and Chapman sketches. Here he attempts to re-invent the style and wit of the short pieces, with original columns done in the style of O'Brien's sketches. He succeeds wonderfully. Previously printed in Hot Press, each column humorously builds up to a punch line, based on a pun.
-is it that?