AGING PARENTS

Thank you so much.

You are all very sweet.

I've frequently had dreams of dad in the last year where he's talking again.

Last few weeks the very limited speech he was capable of has gone and he's stopped squeezing our hands.

I just kept thinking how much I'd love to hear his voice again. To have one last conversation.

But then I realized his voice already reverberates through me whether I hear it or not. I tell his jokes. I learned so many life skills from him while stubbornly pretending I wasn't listening. He instilled in all of us a closeness that has never wavered.

Dad worked crazy hours growing up but he refused to be the absent father. Yes, sometimes it meant missing a ballgame or two, but he went out of his way to rework his schedule so that he could be at most of them. And he always wanted to hear about it if he couldn't be there.

He wasn't perfect. He could be a tough son of a bitch as a kid. He had a temper. I can't deny those things. He wasn't abusive. But he was a hard ass and sometimes we resented him for it.

But he didn't want to be that way and he saw how his anger issues impacted us and he transformed significantly. He mellowed out significantly because he loved us and he worked to change.

There was one night in college where he outright saved me. He doesn't know it. But I'll tell him when I have private time with him tonight.

When I was 19, in college, I was severely depressed and suicidal in my second semester of college. I finally reached the point where I was ready to attempt it. I made a plan to take my entire bottle of SSRIs when I got back to my dorm.

Dad was driving me six hours home from Orlando to Tallahassee. The entire ride all I could think was "six more hours then it's all over. Five more hours. Four." I kept fantasizing about dad leaving and me being alone with my pills and nobody being able to stop me. It was my singular focus. I was almost excited by it.

I stared out the window the entire drive. Deathly silent. He picked up on it and tried to engage me in conversation and I was very checked out.

As we got deeper into the drive, there was a hint of desperation in his voice. "Rob, are you ok?"

Normally I'd deny something was wrong aggressively or reassure him but I had no interest in doing that. I just faintly responded "I'm ok", with as much energy as I could muster to try and fool him.

He was not fooled. He would ask again a few more times. Now I was starting to get mad. "Fuck", I thought, "he's going to ruin this for me". I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get rid of him.

I tried harder and harder to fool him into thinking I was ok. But he knew I wasn't.

Maybe if it had been two years ago, he'd have yelled WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU out of frustration. But instead I heard fear in his voice.

I realized he'd figured out what was going on. He knew this wasn't me being sad, tired, or down. He knew my mind had gone to another level beyond that and he was scared.

We were about an hour away and I wasn't budging. Fuck, you can't let him suss this out, he'll ruin it! You have to get him to leave when he drops you off!

Dad's pleas were getting a bit more desperate. "Rob, I can tell you're not ok. Can you talk to me?", with his voice breaking. Suddenly he was cutting through to me a little.

At this point I didn't have the energy to put on the acting performance to convince him I was ok. I just told myself I'd say whatever I had to when he dropped me off to get him to leave and then I'd be able to do it.

Finally, we got to my dorm and I thought I'd succeeded. But we got to the dorm and he threw a hail Mary.

"Rob - I don't know what's going on right now. I know you're not ok. I'm scared. I love you. I'm afraid to leave you right now. I can't drive home unless I know you're ok. You don't have to talk to me about what's going on right now but can you tell me honestly if you're ok?"

He was outright weeping by now. And it cut through hard.

This time, my response was genuine, where I forced a response (while going to pieces internally) and I smiled - "I'll be ok, dad".

He responded softly to me "can you promise to tell me if that changes - at any point?"

I reassured him I would and that he didn't need to worry. We hugged, with him still crying heavily. He said "ok", and departed.

Once I shut the door I had an emotional breakdown where I was crying uncontrollably for about five minutes. He'd won.

I had no friends, self-esteem, and I was abandoning my schoolwork. I hated myself.

But dad's actions that night made me think - if my father loves me this much... maybe I could learn to love myself. I decided not to do anything that night. I was still very depressed that semester and almost flunked out of school...but I never had those thoughts again.

That's the kind of dad he is. Love seeps out of his pores.

I'm going to send a hug to you. It should be there shortly.

That’s so powerful. No wonder you love him like you do.

<3 <3

A deep well of feeling you’ve shared. All the love to you both.

I don't suppose you'll check in here except for a brief touch, N, but we're thinking about you and your family.

My thoughts are with you all too.

Yom Kippur mourner’s service took on a new more serious meaning for me yesterday just about 2 months after my Mom’s death and 3 years after my Dad’s. Also had just learned my sister in law’s Mom died .

I more or less lurk in this thread to get a sense of what will be coming my way before too long, but I always read your posts Neanderthal and I'm often struck by what a caring, thoughtful son you are. Your mom and dad are very lucky. I can't imagine how hard everything has been but you have a lot to be proud of.

Please make sure you take care of yourself while all of this is happening.

Goodness gracious Neanz what a story. Huge sympathy for what you're going through. It's been a long tough road. Thinking of you.

And it's true everybody says here, what a perceptive and sensitive person you are. Sounds like it runs in the family.

Thank you so much everyone.

Weirdly it's been an emotional but serene few days. This hospice facility is gorgeous. The nurses are the sweetest.

Everyone, me, my mother, brother, his fiancee have spent almost the entirety of the last two days with him.

I'm what you call an avoidance coper these days. After the extreme pain of the last three years, I started refusing to acknowledge my pain, pretend I was fine when things happened. It went about as well as you'd expect.

I felt that creeping in again and my inner voice said "no. Not now. Accept them". And I have. They're all contradictory, they come in waves, but I've had the mental clarity in this space to do it.

I've gone from wailing despair ("I'm not ready!"), to laughter and tender moments. We played a video of dad singing karaoke from 2015.

Then his blood pressure dropped to 59/20 and his respirations about 50/minute. So acceptance is very much here.

Nurse estimates 12-24 hours. I'm not really ready. But nobody is. I am so very thankful for this hospice facility experience as it's allowed us to have tender final moments with dad.

I told him "you have nobody to answer to. When you're ready - just go. We'll be with you. We love you."

I also love all of you. Thank you for all of your encouragement the last three years.

*"accept them" meaning my feelings

Much love to you and your family, brother. You are all lucky to have one another.

<3

feeling this. my wife's dad died in our house on hospice, we were there in the room. it's a special moment as weird as that sounds. rock on dude.

Yes, I had a very similar experience with my 103-year-old grandmother. I was so glad to be there.

Thank you for sharing this experience with us.

Hugs, Neanderthal.

Yes, many hugs to you and the whole family.

He's gone

love to you

in waves, brother.

oh man <3

I'm going to miss him so much but we're going to be ok. We're a very tight knot family.

Taken the week off of work

<3

May you, your mom, and brother find moments of peace in the coming days. Thinking of you all.

Best to all of you.

Love to you and your family, Neanderthal. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you got to spend some peaceful time with him at the end.

I’m thinking of you and your family, Neanderthal, wishing you all peace and great memories.

My condolences, N.

N.--I'm so moved by your posts that I rather feel bad reporting my good news:

This last Sunday my mother and I looked at another condo, and she seemed quite receptive to it. It's not in one of the neighborhoods I would have preferred, but it is right by a Metrorail station within a few stops in either direction from neighborhoods I do like. Do any DC-area ILXors feel safe venturing out for a FAP?

And N., thank you for your posts. I will probably find myself in similar straits in the near future.

all the best neando, to you and your family: this has been sad and difficult reading but your care and patience and love have been admirable throughout

We're here if you need to vent.

Condolences to you and your fam, N.

Condolences and hugs to you and your fam, N.

My sympathies to you. We're all here for you.

Xxxposts No need to feel bad j.lu. it's what the thread is for and I'm so glad to hear your mom was receptive to the more suitable location <3.

Thank you all above, this thread has been a constant well of support for me. We have donated dad's body to a tissue network and they will take care of the cremation costs.

Job is giving me ten paid days of bereavement. My brother gets a week. We're so very lucky.

Sending you lots of love Neando, my thoughts are with you and your family today.

(Feel bad that I hadn't checked this thread in a few weeks and thus missed recent developments until today.)

My sincere condolences, Neanderthal.

Adding to everyone here. Much love and care.

Adding to the condolences, and I just want to say that your dedication to trying to do the best for your dad through such a long series of painful situations and challenges has been remarkable and what love looks like in action. It's been instructive for me as I contemplate my own aging parents and whatever lies ahead for them.

As it happens I'm at the airport now having made a very short trip up to accompany my mom to a doctor's appointment where she received an expected but still sobering diagnosis of mild cognitive impairment. We've all noticed increasing issues with her memory over the past year and she was kind of in denial about it for a while but things sort of came to a head this summer and she has settled into more-or-less acceptance that something's going on. We don't know much yet — MCI is a broad category that doesn't automatically mean any one thing, although it very much can be a precursor to more serious cognitive decline. We'll see, tests and scans have been ordered. The good thing is that me and my siblings and parents are all on board and in sync in how we're approaching it, and we're working to show Mom as much love as we can at every step. So again, thanks for the model of that, N.

My deepest sympathies, Neando. <3

ilu neanderthal!!! <3

The sense that many of us sit while a darkness gathers over the hill when it comes to our parents' cognitive abilities sobers me.

very sorry to hear about your mother, tipsy. "showing as much love as you can at every step" is really the best foot forward. make sure to be patient with yourself through her journey as well. hoping for the best for her and you and your family!

<3

Been thinking of you, Neanderthal. Love and condolences to you & family <3

sorry to read this news man

The sense that many of us sit while a darkness gathers over the hill when it comes to our parents' cognitive abilities sobers me.

Neanderthal, very sorry to hear the news, was thinking about you and your family the last few days. Best to all of you going forward.