― Sarah, Tuesday, 27 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― Tom, Tuesday, 27 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― anthony, Tuesday, 27 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
I think you forget my diary entry of 31/3/91.
― Nick, Tuesday, 27 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
and keep in mind that i started typing all this rubbish ater being awake for 35 hours and typing a term paper. i'm not really psychotic (anymore) ;-)
― Vic, Tuesday, 27 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
Um. I am glad Tom made that post, it seems to be clear what his point is in differentiating between two different types of people. I solemnly swear that I belong in the first group, because I have made it clear that we should see each other and see what happens. Mind you, she's been dating she said, I think more than 6 or 7 other guys in the past 8 months that I've on-again off-again been talking to her, so I wasn't like prohibiting her from seeing other people before I saw her. Really, i wasn't even sure if I was going to meet her until August, when she seemed to agree to it...before that she was on the fence, and we were just online friends who would flirt with each other. Ok yeah, so there were serious romantic undertones but I wasn't talking to her constantly this 8 month period. or ok can i e more honest? Wasn't it just hormonal undertones on my part ?To be honest, I saw her as this fickle high school girl (which she is), going through so many different guys in such a short time (regardless of how unserious I wanted the relationship to be. I mean, I met her in a chatroom in March where I half-seriously was trying to cyber pick someone up..very pathetic I know). I was all facile and ironic in my depravity: in like "hey, we met in a cyber room - now we should fuck!" and she would play along and it was funny, she would LOL a lot. Then over the montths as each and evey single one of her real life relationships didn't work out, somehow she got emotionally attached to me, in a way only girls can. I mean, she knows so little about me, she has never met me before or seen what I look like, but she was throwing the L-word around; that was, um, insane. I just chalked it up to being a 17 year old girl, and we didn't talk for a while since I've been emotionally...here and there...and maybe occupied or engaged elsewhere, not to another person but inside of myself..
and needed space.
I feel so dirty right now typing all this, I mean what if she walked in here, she'd die, it's her life drama for the world wide web to read. I wasn't even thinking any of this would be serious but then it got serious and then by August when I came back here I started feeling something for her too, but it was sort of minute? thing compared to her voracious need/drive to "have a boyfriend" - a longterm one i guess - since of course she felt/feels extremely lonely since "all her friends" had boyfriends but she didn't. I mean one thing she does know, that I told her on day one, was that I'm bisexual - isn't that a deterrent to girls anyway? (great thread topic, I guess) She lost her virginity to some 20 year old in august whom she knew was probably not going to see her again after he went back to college..she cried and laughed and went along with it, but it still hurt. He was one of these 6-7 guys. That need for partnership apparently...when I saw voracious, I mean voracious. Another thread topic: why does the mass media like Seventeen Magazine or Dawson's fucking Creek bbrainwash girls into thinking they need boyfriends or else their self-esteem is not complete...why do other women/girls determine a girl's worth based on whether or not she has a relationship, just like "macho" teenage guys deteremine a guy's worth based on whether he's fucked, or how much he has fucked? IS IT KATE WINSLETTE and that fdawful ship-movie's fault that all teenage girls in the past few years are made to feel inadequate if they don't have some idiot pretending to sing to them (while really he's just using her for pussy anyway, if we're playing averages) ? Oh jesus isound too cynical now.
anyway. back to the soap opera
Not only would it be immoral but I simply don't know how to post pictures up here, or else I guess I could post the pic she sent me in April and then in August. It's just a weird angle of her body in the former one, and her face in the latter; she looks so pretty in the second one. I never asked for these pictures - she just sent them to my email. In case you think it's unfair that i have her pic and she doesn't hae mine - well i never really demanded hers, and i don't have one scanned, and she just sent hers, and she never cared that i didnt send mine.
she didn't look even chubby in those pictures, needless to say, it might have been a "perfect angle" thing
then yesterday morning she says she used to be 220 pounds. after i tell her something like, " i don't care what you look like as long as you're not fat since i don't feel comfortable around fat girls." why?
SO TO ALL YOU LURKING FEMINAZIS WHO MAY BE OUT THERE THINKING THAT ALL MEN ARE ONLY EVIL AND THAT WE ONLY OBJECTIFY WOMEN WELL FUCK YOU BECAUSE I HOPE ONE DAY YOU'LL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WOMEN CAN DO THE EVIL DEEDS IN RETURN. AND NO ONE WILL EVER BELIEVE THE MALE SINCE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE INVULNERABLE, RIGHT? i mean, if i knew anywhere here in real life, i'd have castrated myself at this point in their eyes...and i'm not making it up. i'm not ashamed. fat girls like Dana are atrociously powerful i didnt just want to jump out the window
jesus, now my "rape" fantasy on that dark fantasy board will look like hypocritical shit, instead of just shite. but it's the truth - what can i do? and i'm not going to screw up my karmic account by lying, not even on he internet. i mean thats partially why i'm here - i don't know ay of you freaky indie british trigger people and i;ll never meet you in real ilife so i have started feeling comfortble now so nothin' but the awful truth baby i fee l like i'm in therapy though, maybe thisisn't theoutlet for all this. sorry if i am imposing, just skip this post. my self-consciousness has achieved new depths!!
back to Suzie., the funny thing is that um, i TOLD her the whole Dana thing when her 220# came up, i mean to protect my pride yeah i did tell it to her in a humouros way butshe kept LOLing but then said "hey wait a minute, *I* used to be 220 pounds." and then i ask her her weight and she's under 170...150? she's not telling. sudenly i'm the bad guy - no further comment on my true molestation story, i guess her fucking LOLs were all that would suffice - but um, suddenly I'm the bad guy because a girl's weight is important to me? and you never TOLD me that you used to be a fat girl before either? well fuck you, but no, since my moon is in Gemini and i'm emotionally detached from everything that's happening as it's happening, i don't express any frustration (thats coming out NOW 11 hours later!). She LOLs so I follow up with ... just abnother attempt to get humorous again and say something like "i'm sure you'll find another guy who's into big girls ha ha" and that did it, she told me she can't believe what i said, she cut and pasted it even though i thought it wasso evident hat i was being ironic and totally nonsensical with that statement, she told me to fuck off and well there she signed off. and then i posted my question on here .
yeah i talked to her briefly again and oh she's still mad and oh, if i don't like who she is then too bad and o h, i'm sorry suzie, "well of i'm not mad anymore but i realized if you don't like me for who i am..fuck you" ok ok ok. so i really probably shouldn't even meet this gorl, should i? i'm really questioning my motivations here, really. since yes, maybe i just wanted to basically hook up at first in march, i didn't know i'm going to be keep developing this friendship here, and well i always knew i had no game and probably would't meet the girl and get lucky, but i didn't know that she'd develop some sort of emotional thing for me. i want to fuck her because well this is only part of the reason, i really do like her as a person, geez, but yes, i'm a virgin with girls at 21 and it would be an ego thing since i am already considered culturally abnormal, just ask someone like Ronan who is around my age and would know it's the most shameful thing for a boy to be over 17 and still innocent. and it doesn't just have to do with cultural reasons ( remember how i'm an ethnic child? my brother remained virginal until 26 and a half, after his arranged fucking marriage he finally experienced physical love, and i bought the pre-marital = innocence ideal for a while, when i was young and idealistic and whoa, what the fuck, i never was. my mom still cant say the word sex inour house though she spells it s-e-x, ir's all sin, they don't know about me = queer part, but they kind of do, do think i'm odd. actyually thats a whole nother post, because ...) - i'm going to be honest again, it's cause of Dana. i have been really REALLY anxious since i wasn't able to "get it up" that night with her and never ask girls out and sort of use that incident to attack myself and tell myself that hey you're really gay not bi, don't lie "you're a half man, you're not virile" and whoopee i guess ******i am as guilty**** as suzy for buying into the media-engendered gendered-(haha)-myths as she is. but i kind of am so nervous about trying with a girl since what if that whole situation happens again..even though, um, i wasn't really TRYING that time since i didnt want anything to happoen, i was just trrying to get out of there, i was just too scared, and even though um, i can still masturbate about girls and get it up fine when i do that and eveything. so i guess it's not logical..but making love to yourself with the security of your own palm in your own house is diffeent han with another girl, and i'm scared of the Dana situation reoccuring, especially if the girl is somewhat chubby and then i'd never be attracted to her AT ALL. somewhat chubby...like suzy? this is why i'm too scared to ask girls out in real life and resorted to online thing with "nice girls" like suzy in the first place!! how did i know she was going to be "heavyset" and WHY DIDN'T SHE SAY SO 8 MONTHS AGO ? i warned you about this being the WORST ilx post ever - i am being totally honest and vulnerable here, this is so crazy, i haven't even thought about all this myself. you can tel i'm thinking as i'm typing... Suzy she knows i'm a virgin, she herself was one til august remember, hell i think she's even counter-objectified me cause she said once "i was talking to this nice/innnocnt boy last night ..like you..he was a VIRGIN...like you.." well geez, she knows i've been with guys, but if she knew HOW MANY (doing anything i'm not really into anal sorry) would she still think i'm innocnt ?
anf like i said i have been emotionally engaged.. well.. LIKE I SAID IN THAT "describe who you are" thread i am still emotionally recovering from this really traumatic mental breakdown i had a few years ago, and...and i feel very strongly towards this guy..and he precipiated parts of this breakdown...but it also has this spiritual dimension, i can't descfribe it since like i said in that thread, no one would believeme but that's he MOST INTERESTING and vital part about me and about anyhuman, my soul, i got so fucked up emotionally that "spiritual things" happened, thats the only way i can describe them, i can't say more. it's kind of hard to take all this when you're a teenager and still want to fit in (18/19 is still a teenager) and i know i have a bizzare life and a pretty dificult one, but i'm thankful for it since i'm paing off massive, MASSIVE karmic debts here. don't you have to destroy the mind in otrder to know God, didn't Nietzche experience the Kundalini too ? if i never learned to meditate i wuld never have broken down in the first place, and the experience came directly from God, so i can't blame myself... exactly how am i supposed to control those things anyway, i mean...it all started when I was 14. i really shouldn't have mentioned it.
i really shoouldn't have mentioned it. what harm can be done now?
this guy, i have feelings for him still and this girl...she hasn't even met me but sill has to demonstrate feelings of possessiveness. hey, you don't own me, i'm nt even the guy you FUCKED in august but i could have been but i waited.. i wanted it to mean something when i made love to you..i didn't knowyou were going to turn out to be FA. and lie to me for 8 months.
she's possessive. she knows i'm emotionallyextremely complex (all my 12th house planets, in air/water signs like i said) and she knows about this guy, she even knows the fact that i was told by so many different people that i have past live relaitionships with him stretching way back, but she had the audactity to say i should just desire her. hell she's never even met me before and him, i went to school with him and have known him since 1993 but she has to send me BLINK182 (does this answer why i hate the Tom?>) lyrics like "i want to make love to a toaster, I WANT TO BE YOUR ONLY ONE." well FUCK OFF CUNT YOU CAN'T BE MY ONLY ONE you could have at least been truthful to me i waited a very long time for yo, i reallly did want things to be special WHY DON'T YOU even want to understad my terribly insecriity with girls was instigated by a fat girl itself a FAT GIRL LIKE YOURSELF? i feel no remorse. i have to be ever-patient and apologetic why do you have to be an emotional vampire..
so i really shouldn't meet her then. cause i'm a bad man, an evil male, and don't want a relationship, just wantd a nice cyberchatroom lay, and she developed this relationship, and my self-loathing and dysfunctional past and astral imbalances and physical ungroundedness and performance insecuirities would get in the way anyway, but she wouldn't be attention, cause she's just a self-cenetered teenage girl who wants a boyfriend since all her friends have one. i don't want to be her boyfriend; she wont want to fuck me. i am not good at lying. i need a WHORE. she doesn't realize that she may need to do without relationships for a while and start focusing on building her own confidence, instead of deriving her self-esteem based on whether she has a boyfriend or not, besids i'm 125 and i f she really is 167 she'd crush me. that would bring back bad memories and id have to listen to limp bizkit i'm doing it all for thecookie stick it up YOUR YEAH SUZY, YOUR GODDAMNED YEAH. Gale, does this answer your question abou t my past with intimacy ? oh and please dont anyone tell me to get therapy for anything, since *obviously* ii've had to write western psychiatry as a rule off after well, when i was 17 i described a spiritual experience i had had in which i was disconnected from my body (huge internal painful orgasmic sensation) and they wanted to have me COMMITTED, right then and there. can't trust the bastards - my parents saved my ass... but really, they're all fakers. oh the counselor was a "yoga practitioner" too ..slmost fooled me jerfoff!!! ALMOST!!!!!!!!!!!! they just don't understand the inner workings of consciousness, astral realms, and then blame evreything on one catch-all under-the-rug word, "schizophrenia" which basically means: "disoders" about the mind we still don't understand. lock 'em up ! aand shock them! wqhat if youu're already getting electric shocks from da INSIDE!!?>
well well. i guess i learned what a blog is for after all. i really feel sorry for taking up so much space and for ayone who actually stated to read this. i feel extremely naked now, ge i wonder why. i wonder if i can even ever come back here again, not that i have any sense of embarassment left anyway. thanks for everyone who responded - you're al rerally nice guys... and so witty too. especially the british indie people
― Nicole, Tuesday, 27 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
Vic - wow, a lot of stuff here. Basically I think this girl probably isn't ready/able to understand the very intense and dramatic situations you're talking about - she's still discovering herself and her own attitude to relationships and working things out about her own body image, so having to process this idea that women can be aggressors and abusers and that this can warp somebody's notions about size issues is likely to be a bit difficult, especially as the situation exploded so soon after your mutual 'confessions'.
I don't think she was 'lying' to you incidentally - she didnt say she was fat but did she say she wasn't? If somebody starts chatting with me then unless the subject comes up I'm not going to say I'm overweight because it really doesn't define me - this is the luxury of the internet, to reduce the importance of those kind of things.
An extremely loose guideline suggests allowing 100 lbs for 5'0" tall, and in women, another 5 lbs for each additional inch of height (men are spotted 10 lbs for each additional inch). Now, this system rightly is criticized because it doesn't allow for extremely large or small bones or much muscular development. I don't think this is very true. It doesn't fit me and I am certain I'm not fat or overweight or anything (I'm not giving my weight, etc. on ILE).
I don't think this is very true. It doesn't fit me and I am certain I'm not fat or overweight or anything (I'm not giving my weight, etc. on ILE).
That's why I qualified it, saying that it's an extremely generous guideline and that it's criticized on these and other grounds. But of course the real problem is the loathing many women (particularly me) have for their bodies.
― j.lu, Tuesday, 27 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
You don't see my point at all, sorry. Or if you did you could at least take a minute to show me where I'm so wrong since direct contradiction without any evidence has never done much to change my mind, funny that. Why are some physical features that people can be insecure about any different to others? . I realise my use of weird eyes or third nipples as an example was glib, but the question still stands. Just because weight issues affect more people does not mean they are different to any other areas of their body people feel insecure about, or does it? What am I missing? Point still remains that if Vic had been saying the girl was really worried about some other aspect of her body, or something more obscure he wouldn't have had to be quite so careful would he? Nothing to do with importance as far as I can see, it's just because more people have fuckin history on this subject. Pretty obvious as soon as the poor guy started the thread someone was getting offended within an hour or two, regardless of what he said. You're doomed as soon as you start the fucking thread, no amount of caution is enough. God I don't mean to argue all the time or whatever, I don't think what I say is particularly stupid or outrageous but there you go. And if I sound confrontational it's not intentional.
― Ronan, Tuesday, 27 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
Tell me if what I'm saying is totally different or something but I don't see it, I'm going to presume negative reaction to my posting was due to my shoddy example "weird eyes, or a third nipple". Although that's not really what I think.
Talking about weird nipples and third eyes is even better
...but it's soon becoming a beautiful afternoon. A phat one
The chick who did nasty stuff to you in the dorm room and then made a joke of it is EVIL, as evil a boy who'd do that to a girl. DAMN, this pisses me off. If you heard that some guy did this to a girl friend of yours, what would be your opinion of him? Grrr. Psycho girl.
Your sexuality -- who you fancy -- that's how you are, nothing wrong with it. Plenty of girls like a guy who likes both. Plenty of guys like a guy who likes both.
Both the things above seem to be messing with you like the big time, and if they keep being a problem, you might wanna see a counselor to help you put them in their place.
The girl -- I dunno, if she's that possessive/must be YOUR GIRLFRIEND/needs a boyfriend because her friends have one, I'd go carefully. She sounds more YOUNG than anything else.
Best of luck.
― Layna, Tuesday, 27 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
men do this to women as much as women do it too.
i'm really sorry about your experience with the "fat" girl, vic, but i would like to point out to you that it shouldn't matter to you what she looked like, the fact that it happened is bad enough. so calling her a "fat hippo" doesn't help to win you sympathy. i mean i do sympathise with you but... you know what i mean, the fact that she was fat is unimportant, and the fact that you emphasize it makes you look like a bigot. it sounds like you are projecting onto other fat women from your one experience with a woman who just happened to be fat. i suppose its more psychologically complex than i'm giving you credit for though?
are you sure you want a whore, and not a girl that you can respect and be friends with and fuck without things getting emotionally messy? i think there is a difference.
maybe you explained your self for the "whore" comment, but i only skim read through those big posts.
― di, Wednesday, 28 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― Tom, Wednesday, 28 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― Gale Deslongchamps, Wednesday, 28 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― Ronan, Wednesday, 28 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― mark s, Wednesday, 28 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― Alan Trewartha, Wednesday, 28 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― geoff, Wednesday, 28 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― Gale Deslongchamps, Thursday, 29 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― Ramosi, Tuesday, 30 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― V, Tuesday, 30 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― neko, Tuesday, 20 May 2003 04:23 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 20 May 2003 04:27 (twenty-one years ago) link
Sorry.. hread hijack I know... personal gripe of mine, don't mind me, carry on.
― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 20 May 2003 05:13 (twenty-one years ago) link
God I'm grumpy today aren't I?
― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 20 May 2003 05:14 (twenty-one years ago) link
I agree with the first part, but not with the second. Who says everyone likes slim girls?
― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 20 May 2003 08:02 (twenty-one years ago) link
― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Tuesday, 20 May 2003 08:51 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Tuesday, 20 May 2003 11:38 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 20 May 2003 11:54 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 20 May 2003 12:17 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 20 May 2003 13:46 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 20 May 2003 13:50 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Christine "Green Leafy Dragon" Indigo (cindigo), Tuesday, 20 May 2003 23:34 (twenty-one years ago) link
― masta ace (Squirrel_Police), Wednesday, 21 May 2003 02:25 (twenty-one years ago) link
― masta ace (Squirrel_Police), Wednesday, 21 May 2003 02:27 (twenty-one years ago) link
We can't win, can we? :)
PS: being a certain size and being a certain weight are not mutually inclusive.
― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 21 May 2003 02:35 (twenty-one years ago) link
― masta ace (Squirrel_Police), Wednesday, 21 May 2003 03:59 (twenty-one years ago) link