Holding Grudges - Classic or very classic?

That's not to say that "forgive and forget" is the only acceptable response. If someone has a proven, net negative effect on me for a protracted period of time or has done something really egregiously and inexcusably non-friendlike (and it has to be really, really, really awful for this to ever happen), I forget and forget, and when I see the person I am very "busy and happy". and perhaps address them by the wrong name. just kidding. ;)

I REALLY hate when people hold grudges against me when I say I'm sorry and try hard to fix whatever it is, but they just enjoy being mad. Grr, what's the point?

Dud was not an option! It was classic or very classic!

i've learnt, on reflection, that it comes almost naturally to me to blank people - totally freeze the connection - it's easier to move on and meet people who suit where you're at in life than to drag a dead horse along. (nasty!!?? naaaa.) to me it's less messy than arguing a point when clearly the 2 egos in the room are too big to be contained.

No point cutting of your nose to spite your face though. On a couple of occasions I've seen someone after years and remembered that I held a grudge when I last saw them, but upon seeing them again I realised the all important bile missing.
That's the really hard part. Either walk away and keep the front up or come clean and kiss & make up. Or whatever.

I tend not to hold grudges as much as dismiss people as utter fuckwits. I just forget about them until my opinion on that individual is requested. Then all the bile pours out...

Forgiving someone and then choosing not to deal with them anymore is classic.

But what would you recommend if that someone won't give up trying to deal with you? There's a certain someone in my past whom I cannot remember without considerable resentment and humiliation on my part. At this point I plan to write this person a note that because of these feelings I cannot be any sort of decent friend, and that he should not try to contact me again. Does anyone have any better ideas?

How to people have the energy to do this? I've been in a silent stand-off with my flatmate for three days now and I'm exhausted.

She, otoh, has apparently been holding a grudge against me for a matter of months. I didn't notice but jesus fuck.

xp it's more exhausting when you're in close proximity ... it's easier when you don't see them very often, or never. Most of mine are of the "forgive and remember" style mentioned upthread ... but there are a couple that are past that ... one where I had a dream that the person died and I felt content and peaceful. I took that as a sign that I shouldn't actively be angry at this person, but I still hold a grudge.

still grudging.

Can't remember if I have already posted here. Anyway, I maintained a grudge for years and years, but then I forgot what exactly I was holding the grudge for, so I stopped.

classic. gives you something to believe in.

99.9% of the grudges my friends hold seem totally petty and lame, which leads me to believe that unless someone actually kills my father and marries my mother or something, most of my grudges are likely to be pointless and dud as well.

Grudges are inherently pointless and dud. If you don't care about something enough to actually deal with it with the person, you don't really don't care enough to silently seethe about it.

The grudger is always going to be more bothered about it than the grudgee.

^yes, this. In the two cases where I am the grudger, it's especially daunting because grudgee one is careerist sociopath and that's old news, grudgee two ought to have been prosecuted for elder abuse of my grandmother. Holding a grudge in either situation is horrible because while not in the forefront of my mind, when the memory passes through my thoughts it's a really unpleasant reminder of how truly shit some people can be and how sometimes there's nothing you can do to stop it happening.

i am incapable of holding a grudge and drop it at the first sign of remorse or apology or potential rapprochement from the other person.

like, eagerly and gratefully.

I felt like this the first couple of times with the grudgee who I dreamt died ... but the fact this person consistently demonstrated the same fucked up dishonest behavior, made it impossible.

several xposts: Not necessarily. It all depends on the personalities. The socalled grudger can just get on with his/her life and not think about the grudgee while the latter wonders what happened or went wrong.

slocki otm. Although I'm generally inclined to apologise and initiate rapprochement myself, regardless of the extent to which I am at fault, on this occasion though, I've apologised and behaved as contritely as I'm prepared to without receiving something in return from her.

The socalled grudger can just get on with his/her life and not think about the grudgee while the latter wonders what happened or went wrong.

Not really much of a grudge then, is it? For me it's the opposite: if I suspect someone to have some kind of problem with me I can very easily ignore it if all they're doing is grumping about the house and refusing to directly address the root cause of their grievance.

Well, it is if you think/feel the grudge when you think of the person. Like my cousin. I don't consciously go scratching the walls thinking "WAH! WAH She was so nasty!"

i am incapable of holding a grudge and drop it at the first sign of remorse or apology or potential rapprochement from the other person.

SO you let her or him walk all over you? (haha I am kidding!)

fair point though

i try not to! and i won't let a situation repeat. but i don't like staying mad.

seems fairly pointless unless you're going to exact some manner of revenge

my aunt holds grudges against people dating back decades and remembers the reason for them in perfect detail. its like she wakes up every morning making sure she never forgets. gives her some sort of pleasure i think.

I think as I get older, I hold less grudges, which is surprising to me. But I have learned that if someone rubs you the wrong way, remember who they are, and try to avoid interacting with them on any serious level in the future. Not having too much faith in people and not allowing yourself to get caught up in other people's bullshit is pretty urgent and key in terms of life coping skills.

The grudges I have held, I've been pretty "meh..." about in retrospect - more disappointed in myself for allowing a person to use me repeatedly, or get to me on that level. The ones that I do feel like I wasted time or energy or whatever over were the grudges that I held "on behalf of" someone else - I have a bad habit of taking on partners' or friends' grudges as a question of loyalty, and discovering later that I was not told the whole of the story, and feeling awful about it.

grudges vs forgiveness.

once held a grudge against of a friend of a friend for something slightly wide he said about me behind my back when I was 13. Got over the grudge when i was about 21 and realised he's a really nice guy. Now can't really be arsed with it in general.

i am incapable of holding a grudge and drop it at the first sign of remorse or apology or potential rapprochement from the other person.

― saddam hoosteen (s1ocki), Friday, July 17, 2009 7:52 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark

Me too. It really takes a lot for me to get very mad at someone and I usually get over it pretty quickly. I actually can't remember the last time I got mad a a friend. One of my closet friends ended our friendship a couple years ago under really weird and childish circumstances and even though the entire thing has been really hurtful, I would probably forgive her if she came to me with an explanation and a sincere apology.

I'm not sure if this is considering holding a grudge, but about a year and a half ago I wrote off a really close friend for some really stupid things she did and she's tried contacting me since then but I continue to ignore her. She was a really close friend all through college and the first few years after, but we slowly drifted apart after that. Typical reasons, new jobs, relationships, whatever. But we still hung out socially and got along well. Then she went and met a guy online, moved in with him, and got engaged. The only thing she'll tell us is that he's on "house arrest for something stupid he did", which is why we couldn't meet him. So we all kinda assumed it was a DUI or something, possession maybe. Then she slips and says something to another friend about it being something to do with "sex with a minor". A group of us kinda confront her and she tells this really weird, inconsistent story that makes no sense and plays him out to be a victim. After a quick google seach, its revealed that this dude was a pedophile who was arrested for molesting a victim "under 12" while he was 23. Quite NOT the case she was trying to make of it being one of those he was 19, she was 17 stories. Obviously we were appalled and let her know in short order we weren't okay with this dude. After he got off house arrest she wanted us to meet him and kept trying to bring him to parties and gatherings, but the hosts told her quite simply he wasn't invited. But she keeps dragging him along anyway, even though people pretty much refuse to speak with him. My wedding approaches and I learn that one of my soon to be wife's best friends and bridesmaids had an incident in her past that would make her very, very uncomfortable around this guy. So I call my friend and tell her that, while I really want her to be there for the wedding and I can't imagine her not being there, he really can't come. She says she understands and I think thats the end of it. Well, next day I get an e-mail from her where she says she is sick of this guy not being included in any social activities and has decided that my wedding is where she takes a stand, "either we both come or neither of us". So I tell her, fine, then I'm sorry to say I'll miss seeing you there. Haven't spoken a word to her since.

but there are a couple that are past that ... one where I had a dream that the person died and I felt content and peaceful. I took that as a sign that I shouldn't actively be angry at this person, but I still hold a grudge.

― well I'm married to a limping, crescent-shaped abortion (sarahel), Friday, July 17, 2009 4:28 AM (4 hours ago) Bookmark

i have an ex-best friend who is still holding a grudge against me 10+ years after i 'stole' the guy she liked (truthfully i didnt like the guy at all but she was badmouthing me as a way to get him to like her and you just cant let that stuff slide, you know?). Anyway about 4 or 5 years later she writes me a letter which says 'i had a dream that you died. when i woke and started to cry because i realized it was only a dream'. I later heard she was mad that I never wrote her back like that letter was some kind of olive branch. I still miss her though. I probably could have come up with a better way to let her know i wasnt happy with her behavior. it certainly wasnt worth this degree or length of drama.

a pedophile who was arrested for molesting a victim "under 12" while he was 23.

Why would anyone continue a relationship with such a guy? Isn't said arrest a sign to run for the hills?

that's pretty fucked up

It is! I mean, to this day our group of friends just DOES NOT get it. I would say 90% of us have broken off ties with her, the other 10% keep up a very guarded relationship. Thing is, this girl has ALWAYS gone for the helpless guys she can "baby" and take care of. Extreme example of this tendency here, I think.

Extreme example of her stupidity. I really, especially as a mom, don't get it at all.

Agreed. I mean, yeah, I'm the one who cut things off with her here! But I guess just every now and then I do feel a twinge of guilt, because she helped me out through some hard times in college and I wonder if she wasn't going through some shit to push her towards such a stupid, stupid decision.

i've had a friend who held grudge against me for quite a few years. he was weirdly inconsistent with it tho - would send me the odd email but never respond to me or call me back. after a while i got sick of it and now it would seem i'm the one with the grudge. he wanted a friends number for some reason and i just can't be bothered to deal with him.

Is a grudge a thing you have over one act, or a series of acts?

I probably could have come up with a better way to let her know i wasnt happy with her behavior. it certainly wasnt worth this degree or length of drama.

There are probably quite a few circumstances in my life where this would have been really apt. On both sides, sure.

I keep reminding myself that I've attracted as many weird obsessive grudges as I've ever held. There's a point where "grudge" passes over into weird, creepy obsessive behaviour, but I'm probably not the person best qualified to judge where that line is. Perhaps where it becomes active, rather than a passive "note to avoid" that person.

It's like, the couple of people I've held really long-term grudges towards, it's usually more like a pattern of behaviour, rather than a single act, that leads me to actually form that cut-off point.

i've had a friend who held grudge against me for quite a few years. he was weirdly inconsistent with it tho - would send me the odd email but never respond to me or call me back.

delete filter.

on his phone?!

You can block someone, can't you? Yes, yes, you are right. But it's funy he wouldn't reply but yet he would send you messages. hah.

Text from the upthread protagonist:

Sorry for the rant.Probably totally misdirected. Forget I said anything?

Arguably makes me the victor but sounds to me like her arm's being twisted by our mutual friend.

still grudging.

after all these years?

may be paranoid but pretty sure she (possibly in cahoots with her boyfriend) tampered with my bike brakes at some point over the weekend. :-0

Suddenly feeling rather concerned about Nick's continued survival and posting frequency on ILX. How about you do a little update post every 4 hours or so, and if we don't see one, we can alert 999 or whatever fucked up emergency number you use over there.

Maybe should set up some kinda complicated booby-trap in my room when I get home. Or do the whole "pillows in bed as as fake me" thing.

I do like the idea of live updates of my continued living.