Tell me a joke, please!

What a JOKE !

So a man's traveling across the country and he stops in at a bar.

"Beer please," he says to the barkeep.

The bartender gets him his beer and asks, "What brings you to our town?"

"Well," says the man, "I'm actually traveling the country. I play the accordion."

The bartender gives him a concerned look.

"Did you park your car out front?" he asks.

"Yeah, why?" asks the man.

"Did you lock your car?" the bartender asks in a worried voice.

"No I didn't," the man answers.

The musician quickly runs outside to his car and in his backseat -- sure enough -- there were now two accordions.

A man's dog goes missing.
So he takes out an ad in the local paper, and it says:
'Here boy'

I liked the joke and all but that introductory line was the bit I laughed at. Am I going to hell? (I know they can't really be like that, but...)

"What the hell sort of prevert are you?" the American ambassador roared, "Back in Texas we don't give a s*** for your kind of blackmail!" And he had the embassy staff throw out the KGB official. However, the rest of the night the American ambassador paced and pondered what would happen if the KGB official really did distribute the photographs the way he had threatened. What would the President say? What would the party leadership say? And what would...his father-in-law say? Vexed and sleepless, the ambassador suddenly grabbed a gun from an embassy guard and killed himself.

Then the senior KGB official went to the U.K. ambassador, showed him the pictures, and said that unless he turned over the intelligence information the KGB wanted, the photographs would be sent to the U.K. government and other interested parties.

"Oh deah!" The U.K. ambassador handed over the information, and for the rest of his career kept a stiff upper lip, when asked how the KGB had gotten that information.

Then the senior KGB official went to the French ambassador, showed him the pictures, and said that unless he turned over the intelligence information the KGB wanted, the photographs would be sent to the French government and other interested parties.

The French ambassador looked over the photographs. "I weel take a dozen copies of numbair 6, and can I get numbair 3 in poster size?"

My favourite (old):

Did you hear about the consipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

That way, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a
sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts:

'I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!

what do you call an archbishop who gets a recording of a cow through the mail?

John Sentamoo!

What's Kid's favorite yogurt?

Yoplait!

What do you call a lobster that gets nailed to a hunk of wood?

A Christ-acean!

what do you call a lobster that's in The Levellers?

A crustie-acean!

What do they sell at Bed Bath and Beyond?

Oh, you know, linens 'n' things.

Where does Kylie get her kebabs?

At Jason's doner van.

A doctor is discussing his diagnosis with an elderly patient. "I'm afraid it's very bad news. You have cancer and Alzheimer's disease."

"Oh, that's bad," the patient sighs. "But at least I don't have cancer."

from here:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/04062008/entertainment/killer_jokes_105191.htm?page=0

So Bono is getting up in years, and, increasingly preoccupied with his own eventual death, he decides to make arrangements, and he goes to the UK's top burial broker. He tells the broker that, of course, being who he is, he wants to be buried somewhere extremely special, and that money is little object to him.

"Yes, yes. I think I have something for you," says the broker. "For one million pounds, I have a beautiful plot in Highgate Cemetery. You'll be among major figures in every field: Karl Marx, George Eliot, Michael Faraday, Henry Moore..."

"I don't know," Bono interrupts, "That just sounds a bit... mundane. Do you have anything more special?"

"Of course, of course. I understand. Now I ask you to keep this in strict confidence, but I have a contact... this isn't normally done, but for $20 million pounds -- if that's not too dear -- arrangements can be made to have you buried at Westminster Abbey."

"Well, what's so special about that?" Bono asks.

"Sir, do you realize the company you'd be resting in? The English monarchs! Our greatest poets and novelists! Newton! Darwin!"

"Yes, but those are just a bunch of ancient white men, aren't they? I mean who cares about them anymore?"

The broker, a bit flustered, pauses, rubs his head a moment, and says, "Very well. I'll have something better. It's going to cost you $150 million pounds, and it will require delicate negotiations. But I have a contact in Israel, and if all goes well, I can offer you burial in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre itself!"

Bono tilts his head, thinks a moment, and smiles. "Well, that sounds more like it. But isn't $150 million pounds awfully expensive for three days' stay?"

(adapted by me from a joke in Mr. Sammler's Planet)

What's Beethoven's favourite fruit?

A banananaaaaaaaaaaaa

(really works better when spoken that one)

It's 1969. John Lennon and Jim Morrison's band are hanging around backstage at a gig. Enter Marianne Faithful. She sidles up to Ray Manzerek, and after minimal small talk, she's got his dick out and is sucking him off, and a lovely time is had by all. After she's done with him, she moves on to Robby Krieger. Then John Densmore. No small talk is neccessary by now. Jim takes a bit more of an effort, seeing as he's so high on acid and smack, but with a bit of encouragement gets there in the end. Then Marianne spies Lennon... She unzips his fly...

All of a sudden, the door bursts open to reveal an imposing figure. It's Michael Caine! He grabs Marianne by the hair, pulls her away from John's crotch and yells "YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF!"

that tortoise joke upthread is gold

lol at my Yankee ass for typing "$150 million pounds"

I LIKE MY COFFEE THE WAY I LIKE MY WOMEN
DRAGGED THROUGH THE ANDES IN A BURLAP SACK, ROASTED AND GROUND.

-- Ian John50n (orion), Friday, October 22, 2004 3:20 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Link

Just remembered this dumb joke looking at the Brazil tribe thread:

Two survivors of a shipwreck wash up on a tropical island, and no sooner do they set foot in the rainforest than they are surrounded by natives. The natives tie the men up and bring them back to their village and place them before a man who appears to be the chief.

The chief tells the first man: "YOU CHOOSE DEATH ...OR...OOGIE OOGIE"
The first man replies: "I'll take oogie oogie." And then every man in the tribe sodomizes him.

So the second man says, "I choose death."
The chief replies, "OK. BUT FIRST...OOGIE OOGIE!"

alternate punchline: DEATH BY OOGIE OOGIE!

^^^ shouldn't the puncline be 'SO BE IT... DEATH BY OOGIE OOGIE'

xpost

in my primary school version of this OOGIE OOGIE was BUMBARUMBA

What do you feel when you shoot an unarmed civilian in the head?

Recoil.

what's black and white and red all over?

a zebra in a jam!

Q. What did the Queen and Picasso have in common?

they're both homo sapiens!

what do you call a green light and a pair of clocks?

time 2, go!

ninja master walks into a bar with a woman dressed in a habit. charles, the bartender says, "who's that you got with you ninja master?"

ninja master replies, "oh that's just my nun, chuck."

what bird do barbers hate?

bald eagle!

what has a cold, weighs two tons, and kisses your ass?

a sick-o-phant

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about
Tom Cruise?"

"No problem boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave
and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure
enough, Tom Cruise shouts.......

"Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house,
he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just a coincidence.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "OK," Dave says, "We're old
friends, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White
House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over,
saying.......

"Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and
your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch
up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave,
who again implores him to name anyone else. "The pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a
long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses
in Vatican Square when Dave says... "This will never work. I can't catch
the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the
guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with
the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough,
half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but, by the
time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had fainted and is
surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks
him... "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says... "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the fuck's that
on the balcony with Dave?"

A man goes into a butchers and says to him, "I bet you £50 that you can't reach the meat on the top shelf".

Butcher thinks for a minute and replies, "Thanks for the offer, but I can't take your bet. The steaks are too high".

lol Trayce

Hurting I think I sublibinabally put that joke into yr noggin with this:

http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/708/deathbyungabungajz0.jpg

(Unga-bunga being the most common form of the joke nowadays.)

i love the mummies

Mummies!! send to ilm. one of the best live bands evre.evvvr.ever.vreer.

So a blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and the brunette says " Oh My God - there's my boyfriend at the florist buying me flowers again!"
The blonde says: "What's wrong with that?"
The brunette replies: "Well, it means I'm gonna have to spend tonight on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

Q: Why has Richard "abz" Breen and his friends got sore hands?
A: because everyone who sees them says "HI 5IVE"!

So I went to the doctor, and he says to me, "Hurting, you're going to have to stop masturbating." And I say, "Why doc?" And he says "So I can examine you!"

Stop me if I've posted this one:

What's Lil Wayne's favorite contemporary French film?

AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AME AME

Dude goes to the psychiatrist wearing nothing but saran wrap.

Psych says, "I can clearly see yr nuts".

What's the official breathmint of the Supreme Court?

CERTS

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

You know, I used to think all the countries in Africa were poor.

But I was in Senegal recently, and they're Wolof.

can someone explain that accordion joke told by Low

People hate accordion so much that someone breaks into his car to give him ANOTHER accordion instead of stealing his accordion.

that's what I thought :/

Who's the coolest person in the hospital?

The ultrasound guy!

Who does he hang out with?

The in patients!

Who steps in for him when he's on holiday?

The hip replacement guy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAsYwW7pt7o

I was so happy my friend dug up some Swedish Chef clips. Man oh man

"please, can you tell me of what nationality Napoleon was?"
"of Corsican!"
"..."

Who's the coolest person in the hospital?

The ultrasound guy!

― rhythm fixated member (chap), Wednesday, 29 September 2010 14:17 (8 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Who does he hang out with?

The in patients!

― rhythm fixated member (chap), Wednesday, 29 September 2010 14:17 (8 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Who steps in for him when he's on holiday?

The hip replacement guy!

― rhythm fixated member (chap), Wednesday, 29 September 2010 14:17 (8 hours ago) Bookmark

genuine irl lol

Q: Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
A: To get away from the sound

xposts: major lols @ the coolest guy in the hospital trifecta. (applause)