oh, bleh. (do not read if you revel in others' down spells)

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I have been totally down in the dumps lately, and I'm not really sure how I can break out of it. If it's not the four hob nobs i ate today, it's my laziness; if it's not other peoples' scads-more-interesting lives, it's my crappy writing and my inability to drop my self-hatred and sell it well enough to get published by people who aren't already my friends (or exboyfriends); if it's not the dead-end career facsimile that is my resume, it's the jeans that won't fit; if it's not my rapidly diminishing checking account thanks to all the useless posessions I acquired during my early 20s, it's the fact that I'm 27 and wasting what should be the most exciting time in my life.

So, that.

Help?

PS This thread is probably related to the one started earlier today about where people want to be and stuff, but I wanted to be a little more motivational in tone.

― maura (maura), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 19:46 (twenty-three years ago)

You have to get past the self-hate thing. Even if you think you're lying, pimp yourself out there as the greatest thing to hit the scene. Pretty much every job I've gotten has been because I walked into the interview with a "this-is-cake" attitude (and, of course, showed interest in the company as a whole). This was never harder to do than after getting laid off, but I did it and now I've got a job where (assuming the company survives) I could find myself directing a bunch of engineers in the near future. I presume that the same attitude has to apply when shopping your writing around.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 19:51 (twenty-three years ago)

Maura's description sounds like me. I can offer empathy and the fact that Maura and I are clearly both underappreciated geniuses. WHEN WILL WE BE FAMOUS?

(Seriously speaking, I have been going through a fair amount of this for most of this year -- not constantly, but enough to really grind me down in areas, so I know exactly where Maura is coming from. I feel a fair amount of grinding wheels and I don't like it, though I am trying to improve things as I can. Suggestions certainly welcome; right now I'm working on improving the amount and potential range of the writing freelance work I do -- which reminds me, M. Matos, get a hold of me or something!)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 19:52 (twenty-three years ago)

But Maura, you _rock_. We've established this already.

Suggestion: spend eight straight hours (or four today and four tomorrow; no interruptions permitted, though) working on a small creative project that you can give people as a present. That often helps me.

― Douglas, Wednesday, 23 October 2002 20:59 (twenty-three years ago)

I don't have any good advice and as trite as it seems to say it, I hope you feel better, or find a way to do so.

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 21:04 (twenty-three years ago)

WHEN WILL WE BE FAMOUS?

I can't answer that, Ned. I can't answer that.</bros>

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 21:09 (twenty-three years ago)

Suggestion: spend eight straight hours (or four today and four tomorrow; no interruptions permitted, though) working on a small creative project that you can give people as a present.

This is a great idea! I'm gonna try it.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 21:15 (twenty-three years ago)

I've been in a rut for ages. So, I kinda know how this feels. Best wishes.

― jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 21:17 (twenty-three years ago)

Dan is now twin blond helium-voiced pervboys. I always knew!

no interruptions permitted, though

See, I'd at least have to eat after four hours, for one thing. Or at least snack.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 21:20 (twenty-three years ago)

I'm the Eminem twins?

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 21:21 (twenty-three years ago)

BEST BOY BAND EVER. Especially if all the videos were essentially five-minute previews to full features about the joys of boyluv.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 21:23 (twenty-three years ago)

Only if the first single is a cover of "Bela Lugosi's Dead".

(Is this nonsense cheering you up any, Maura?)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 21:28 (twenty-three years ago)

It's gothtastic! (It's cheering me up, at any rate.)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 21:43 (twenty-three years ago)

Maura, I was in the exact same state of mind about a year ago... took awhile to turn things around, but it happened. Strangely enough, getting laid-off from my job was part of what made things better.

Anyhow, part of the prescription: you + me hang out sometime. Need to buy you a long-overdue welcome back to NY drink.

― Jen, Wednesday, 23 October 2002 21:49 (twenty-three years ago)

maura you keep me from killing myself on a daily basis. take that, sucker!

― jess (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 21:51 (twenty-three years ago)

i think the eight-hour thing is a great idea, and if it means anything coming from a complete stranger maura i like your posts ( from what i have seen ) and think you are pretty cool. i dont care if your jeans dont fit or you have lazy days, everyone is allowed that.
sometimes it is easier to focus on the negative things, wallow a bit and feel really crappy for a few days, and i dont think that is an especially bad thing as long as you can still find something about yourself to feel positive about.
having just come out of a similar down period, i can relate to what you are saying and hope yours passes soon.
:-)

― donna (donna), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 21:55 (twenty-three years ago)

I've just emailed you some stuff but Maura you are ace and also the idea that late 20s are the best time of yr life etc. is bullshit, the whole of your 20s (barring the transient good stuff whose transience is the whole point!) are stress and self-consciousness and I for one am glad to be leaving them shortly: the great thing about having writing talent like yours is that it stays with you no matter how old you are (or jeans size etc etc) - in the meantime these suggested exercises sound like good ideas!

― Tom (Groke), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 23:12 (twenty-three years ago)

if you are the type of person who feels sorry for other people when they screw up rather than being really mad, and you think about how hard it must be for them to do everything right, think about yourself that way. other than that, everyone here has good suggestions.

― Maria (Maria), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 23:17 (twenty-three years ago)

i really enjoyed your short stories, i do not think you have crappy writing.

― ron (ron), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 23:20 (twenty-three years ago)

maura you're one of the most interesting people i've ever met! plus you are funny, smart, cool, attractive, etc. don't sell yrself short.

and you're a good writer, too.

― geeta (geeta), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 23:22 (twenty-three years ago)

Dan is now twin blond helium-voiced pervboys. I always knew!
-- Ned Raggett ([email protected]), October 23rd, 2002.
I'm the Eminem twins?
-- Dan Perry ([email protected]), October 23rd, 2002.
BEST BOY BAND EVER. Especially if all the videos were essentially five-minute previews to full features about the joys of boyluv.
-- Ned Raggett ([email protected]), October 23rd, 2002.
Only if the first single is a cover of "Bela Lugosi's Dead".
(Is this nonsense cheering you up any, Maura?)
-- Dan Perry ([email protected]), October 23rd, 2002.

It's gothtastic! (It's cheering me up, at any rate.)
-- Ned Raggett ([email protected]), October 23rd, 2002.

So when can we expect BoyHaus' first album?

(This little exchange has at least cheered me up, and got hUgGlEz if you want 'em, Maura.)

― j.lu (j.lu), Wednesday, 23 October 2002 23:47 (twenty-three years ago)

It's because you never posted my brilliant submission for bittersweets a couple of years ago. But you still could!

― Aaron A., Thursday, 24 October 2002 00:03 (twenty-three years ago)

I'd say there's possibly two avenues to explore. The first one is that it's all in your head, i.e., your own self-perception. If that's the case than a rounding course of rah-rahs and Ain't you wonderful in spite of it all can be just the ticket. Sometimes, talk therapy is useful as well -- whether you do that with a good friend or a trained counselor.

The other possibility is that it's not all in your head -- well it is, but mostly it's in your body. Let's try this...

Are you more tired than usual?

Do you have inexplicable weight gain OR weight gain that is the direct result of emotional eating (i.e., stuffing yourself on comfort food because life's a bitch that has puppies and why the hell not since we're all going to die anyway?!)?

How's your skin look -- vibrant, rosy and glowing, or dry, with a gray or yellowish undertone?

Are you losing more hair than usual?

Are you typically colder than those around you? (I mean the temperature cold, not the snooty-cold ;-)

Are you depressed?

Is your menstrual cycle normal -- are you experiencing heavier or lighter periods than usual?

Heart palipitations?

Panic attacks?

Difficulty sleeping?

Constipated?

All of the above are symptoms of hypothyroidism; Hashimoto's disease is the leading cause of hypothryroidism and it's 50 times more prevalent in women than in men. If you can check off a number of items on that list, I'd recommend that you go see a doctor and get some bloodwork done. You need to have your T3 and T4 levels checked on your thyroid. You also need to have a thyroid antibody test done. Thyroid disorders are on the rise -- some suggest this may be a result of nuclear fallout due to accidents such as Chernobyl. Bear in mind that other physical conditions can also mimic the causes of depression, such as anemia or diabetes.

If you have hyperthyroidism, synthroid (a synthetic thyroid medication) should stabilize and reverse your symptoms. If you have Hashimoto's, synthroid OR an anti-depressant may be in order. I recommend you go with one that won't impact your sexual function, since the inability to get a sexual thrill or have an orgasm is a rather depressing thought.

At any rate, if the underlying cause of your depression is an endocrine disorder, your self-perceptions should start to level out after a course of medical therapy and soon, you'll think you're as brilliant as everyone else seems to think you are. Incidentally, I'm not a doctor or even a nurse, but I do have Hashimoto's. Take this post for what it is -- free advice on the internet.

And that's my dime.

― ragnfild (ragnfild), Thursday, 24 October 2002 00:14 (twenty-three years ago)

I recognise many of the feelings decribed in this thread, and I'm roughly the same age as Maura. Some things mentioned I don't suffer from as much as others; some (such as laziness, and an uninteresting existence) I'm confident I could trump anyone with. Not that this helps anyone. I've tried Dan's thinking oneself into being the greatest thing type thing. Sometimes that's good. Other times, the effort involved makes me feel like Alex Higgins or Morrissey or someone.

Recently, I was offered the opportunity to go elsewhere and lead an entirely different life for six months or so. I surprised myself by accepting. It was a surpise to me because I have followed a single path for the last ten years or whatever, and I have practically sabotaged my entire life in sticking to it.

When the day came, though, I changed my mind, inconveniencing others. It was due to one of my sudden bursts of optimisism. There's a good chance it's the stupidest decision I've made (although I don't remember consciously making many big decisions before, come to think of it). Or maybe I'm actually going to pull off what I want to do this time.

So, finally, the only advice I can offer is what I was thinking when I was accepting that offer. Which was, kind of, that it's okay to waste time as long as you do it with the right attitude. You might give yourself three months off, six months, whatever. Which seems like a big deal when you're 27, I know, but when you consider how quickly the last three or six months passed, and how much you did with them, you know it doesn't make much difference. If you were suddenly cured of your faults today, woke up as driven and animated as you imagine others to be, you wouldn't much care that it didn't happen a few months ago. So give yourself a deadline, before which you're free to not worry. You can be relaxed, stop being anxious of getting stuff published, try to have fun, but still discipline yourself to write. Write for yourself. The possible outcomes are: a) you accidentally write something that you know is terrific and deserves to be read and you cut short your mental holiday; b) the time you spend writing for the sake of writing will give you confidence and skills you don't have now; or, c) when your deadline is reached, you find yourself in exactly the same position you are in now, but at least you've spared yourself a winter of worrying (I'm not sure how true this last bit really is, but it makes sense to me when I'm nagging myself).

Sorry if this is useless, or trite. You've got my sympathies anyway.

― Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Thursday, 24 October 2002 00:32 (twenty-three years ago)

For what it's worth Maura, I was really shocked when I read that you're only 27, because you've always seemed so mature, smart and together compared to most of us scrubs on ilx!

I don't really have much in the way of advice to offer, because I'm goting through a similar patch at the moment. But I do sympathize.

― Nicole (Nicole), Thursday, 24 October 2002 00:47 (twenty-three years ago)

Maura, when I first saw your CV on your site I thought, "Bugger, here's someone who has had the discipline and resourcefulness to follow through on their talent and get published and hang out with interesting people in interesting places etc." I was jealous of you! I'm guessing that your current dissatisfaction is tied in to your ambition, which certainly isn't a bad thing. Use it to move on to doing things you'd like, but don't be so hard on yourself.

(Not that I think it's all some rational trade-off; I have periods of self-loathing like anyone, it's just that it's the only kind of positive advice I know how to give, and obv I think there's value in it.)

Jeans suck. Skirts! Skirts!

― ch. (synkro), Thursday, 24 October 2002 03:18 (twenty-three years ago)

down with pants

― ron (ron), Thursday, 24 October 2002 05:36 (twenty-three years ago)

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