i am an antisocial bastard

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I will purposely avoid eye contact with people I only vaguely know to avoid having to make small talk. I did this just yesterday with someone I actually quite like and I felt really bad about it. It's becoming a compulsion and I'm sure I come across like an unfriendly little shite (which is only partially true).. Am I alone in doing this? Any thoughts?

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Thursday, 24 October 2002 02:37 (twenty-three years ago)

Jim, we should not hang out sometime and not talk about our anti-social tendencies.

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 24 October 2002 02:39 (twenty-three years ago)

almost all of my closest people have been and still are antisocial arseholes ( no shit ), i thrive on this for some reason.
dont worry about it so much.
it does get worse the more you do it, but you are definately not alone in this.
sorry, i have no advice or whatever, as i have some tendency towards it myself and actually dont think there is anything that wrong with avoiding small talk with someone you dont know so well, or dont feel like conversing with.
but that is just me being antisocial.
probably.

― donna (donna), Thursday, 24 October 2002 03:51 (twenty-three years ago)

maybe this is just me projecting my own anti-social tendencies onto the world, but i think most people are like this (in big cities at least). i reckon i give and take this kind of snubbing in equal measure. either way, it doesn't feel good. it's probably better just to bite the bullet and say hello, but it's hard when the other person is probably playing exactly the same game. i'll tend to be more outgoing when i'm in a good mood and i only ever feel better for it.

this is a bit of a swerve off topic but i was talking to a taxi driver the other night who said that when he first arrived in melbourne he was taken aback by how cold people were... where he comes from people talk freely to strangers in the street. this made me feel really sad. you get a really clear picture of the scenario when you get on a train and everyone's looking at their feet or out the window or at a book or at the wall, anywhere but at other people. you are considered a mentalist (or a lonely old fogey) if you try to engage with anyone. maybe this feeds into the way we treat semi-strangers?

― minna (minna), Thursday, 24 October 2002 04:33 (twenty-three years ago)

no everybody does it. & it's completely ok. people are a fucking pain, they get between you & yr objective.

― unknown or illegal user (doorag), Thursday, 24 October 2002 05:05 (twenty-three years ago)

"see, i don't like people. i might be walking down the street & some guy is blocking the sidewalk & i might just say 'get the hell out of my way'. i might just say it."
(from "panic in needle park" by i forget who)

― unknown or illegal user (doorag), Thursday, 24 October 2002 05:07 (twenty-three years ago)

every once in a while i will try to say something that i actually want to say, or have been thinking about, instead of the small talk. it usually doesn't work out so well, but i imagine it being some kind of litmus test - if someone would respond positively to you actually saying what's on your mind, they would be someone you ought to spend time with. ??

― ron (ron), Thursday, 24 October 2002 05:25 (twenty-three years ago)

Whenever people attempt 'small talk' I just stare at them for a few seconds and say "The point of telling me that was what, exactly?"

― dave q, Thursday, 24 October 2002 06:16 (twenty-three years ago)

dave q they were reaching out to you for your love and now another little part of them died inside!

― minna (minna), Thursday, 24 October 2002 06:26 (twenty-three years ago)

gee, i do that all the time and feel fine doing so, because chances are they're thinking exactly the same thing.

― g-kit (g-kit), Thursday, 24 October 2002 07:10 (twenty-three years ago)

you are considered a mentalist (or a lonely old fogey) if you try to engage with anyone

Or in my case, both of the above. On the one hand, I do talk to complete strangers at bus stops, and am generally chatty and friendly; on the other I am loathe to be too intrusive, since my ground assumption is that people don't much like me.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Thursday, 24 October 2002 10:39 (twenty-three years ago)

Martin, you come across as probably the most approachable and friendly ILXor I've met. Is that fair? Let's say join friendliest, with persons unnamed.

― Mark C (Mark C), Thursday, 24 October 2002 10:52 (twenty-three years ago)

Martin is friendly I think.

I can appear anti-social, but am really just at a loss for words sometimes.

The only strangers who talk to me are either wanting directions or trying to get me to go to a church meeting. I have never had anyone ask me for directions to a church.

― jel -- (jel), Thursday, 24 October 2002 10:57 (twenty-three years ago)

"I will purposely avoid eye contact with people I only vaguely know to avoid having to make small talk."

I do this a fair bit, although it depends on the person. Some acquaintances I could have a riveting conversation with. But if I see the chance to get out of a boring conversation about what I'm doing in college blah blah blah, I will take it.

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Thursday, 24 October 2002 10:59 (twenty-three years ago)

Christ those are the worst aren't they. I guess it's the same with you Kilian having left school a year ago aswell, you bump into people and have a stupid "so how's that going for you" conversation. The odd part is they're often people you'd never talk to when you were in school. Strange stuff, does this ever stop the older you get, in ten years will I still be meeting people and listening as they say "jim now works in a morgue" or whatever the latest is.

― Ronan (Ronan), Thursday, 24 October 2002 11:14 (twenty-three years ago)

if ppl make small talki really don't know what to say. i just think 'why are you talking to me for?'. wouldn't like to think of myself as anti-social tho'.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 October 2002 11:25 (twenty-three years ago)

and yes, martin is indeed a friendly bloke.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 October 2002 11:25 (twenty-three years ago)

martin Skidmore roXs boats! I salute you; stop being innocuous!

― david h (david h), Thursday, 24 October 2002 11:46 (twenty-three years ago)

Small talk is the worst of the worst. When I'm wandering aimlessly around my place of work nine times out of ten I'm daydreaming about important things like blenders and sandwiches. The intrusion of other people into my perfect world is a crime for which the punishment should be death. Anybody fancy a pint?

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Thursday, 24 October 2002 12:10 (twenty-three years ago)

I don't dislike small talk, but I like my book and my discman more. Conveniently, both these things make it easier to avoid eye/ear contact.

― Tim Finney (Tim Finney), Thursday, 24 October 2002 12:47 (twenty-three years ago)

I do the avoid eye contact thing too, or pretent not to have seen them! Bad I know but can't be arsed having pretend conversations

― Fuzzy Wuzzy (Madam Plinky), Thursday, 24 October 2002 13:19 (twenty-three years ago)

Thanks for all the kind words! Where I think I sometimes might seem unfriendly is that I tend to be too unpushy. For instance, a few ILXers invited me onto an AIM chat a little while ago, and that was great, but I don't invite people (or generally email people first, etc.), not at all because I don't like them or am antisocial but because I figure that no one wants to be bothered by the likes of me. (This is a tendency very reinforced by clinical depression.)

Today was already a good day in these ego-boosting terms - I was out on a first date with an intelligent, interesting, gorgeous Italian woman on Tuesday, and I kind of thought she thought I was a pleasant person but wasn't interested, but I was wrong. In the right direction that is - we're going out again on Saturday, and I'm excited.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Thursday, 24 October 2002 17:37 (twenty-three years ago)

Cassanova!

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Thursday, 24 October 2002 18:09 (twenty-three years ago)

yay martin way to go!

― donna (donna), Thursday, 24 October 2002 18:12 (twenty-three years ago)

I think you are very friendly, approachable and easy to chat to as well, Martin. *smacks Martin round the head for being so silly* Glad it's going well with the Italian lovely!

I talk to complete strangers all the time - in the queue at the bank, the supermarket check-out person, anyone really.

I have an annoying tendency to smile all the time anyway, so people often strike up conversations with me too. Usually nutters, though. I seem to attract a higher-than-average number of deranged people :(

― C J (C J), Thursday, 24 October 2002 18:17 (twenty-three years ago)

Most of the time I'm not very chatty -- I'm an introvert, and if I'm not well-rested being sociable is difficult for me. (Years ago at work I took a Myers-Briggs test, and was only surprised that I wasn't completely off the charts for introversion.)

― j.lu (j.lu), Thursday, 24 October 2002 19:08 (twenty-three years ago)

I do this a lot, too. If I see someone that's just an acquaintance, I will avoid acknowledging their presence simply in order to dodge having to make chit-chat. I am, of all people I've met and observed, the WORST at making small talk, besides maybe my mother from whom I probably inherited a faulty gene. I stumble and sputter and end up looking foolish. Why can't I just make small talk like how I order frozen yogurt: quick and to the point?

― Mandee, Thursday, 24 October 2002 19:14 (twenty-three years ago)

its like 'the force' or some other magical chimera. you live your introverted shut-in life and feel some kind of communal vibe of introverted shut-inness from other introverted shut-ins (wherever they may be, somewhere but obv. not here). a mutual distant unexpressed respect, yeah, feel it resonate.

― Honda, Thursday, 24 October 2002 19:18 (twenty-three years ago)

good luck with the italian lady martin.

i don't mind small talk but i'd rather sit down and talk to someone for long periods, to get to know them.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 October 2002 20:33 (twenty-three years ago)

I told the two women who work with me that I was "trying to quit smoking". It gave me a great excuse for a) being in a bit of a foul mood lately, and b) not wanting to go outside and smoke with them every couple of hours. (We don't smoke in offices in California.)

Now I get to be Mr Grouchy and enjoy my smokes without small talk.

― dan (dan), Thursday, 24 October 2002 21:11 (twenty-three years ago)

Thanks to Ned and his goss, I have found out people think I'm shyer than I even thought I was. So I'm probably worse at small talk than all y'all. I am undefeated! Like a duck in a noose! etc...

― Nicole (Nicole), Thursday, 24 October 2002 21:19 (twenty-three years ago)

i try try try not to get into situations where i have to talk to people i know vaguely. like crossing the road on the street to avoid them, pretending i didn't see someone. people must think i'm a real snob.

― di smith (lucylurex), Thursday, 24 October 2002 22:53 (twenty-three years ago)

I'm kind of bad that way when I am at work. I just get tired of saying hello ("how are you doing?") to people I have no real connection to. I don't find that minimal social interaction of that sort is very rewarding. I acknowledge you, I acknowledge you, I acknowledge you.

Also, I seem to be slightly neurologically impaired or something when it comes to face recognition. Often I will see someone and then look away, and then realize who it was, and turn back to say hello. However, this is frequently mistaken for unfriendliness. Maybe it isn't really a neurological issue. Maybe it's shyness, defensiveness, etc. Also, I don't seem to have a problem recognizing the people I am really comfortable with, generally speaking. I think maybe it's a "friend or foe" type thing. I seem to be trying to look at someone without initially making eye contact, so that I know whether it's someone I need to greet.

I used to hate small talk, but now I acknowledge its necessity in some situations. (Does this mean I can stop the shock treatment now?)

― Ra-kist Scientist, Friday, 25 October 2002 01:15 (twenty-three years ago)

i try try try not to get into situations where i have to talk to people i know vaguely.

I told the two women who work with me that I was "trying to quit smoking".

hmmm..... do or do not. there is no try.

― g-kit (g-kit), Friday, 25 October 2002 09:55 (twenty-three years ago)

today has been declared 'Anti-social Bastard Day'.
that means i get to stay inside the whole day without feeling guilty for not wanting to talk to a soul.
except there are only 3 1/2 hours left in today here, so im a bit late.

― donna (donna), Sunday, 27 October 2002 07:45 (twenty-three years ago)

I do this aaaall the time. Not happy with it.

― Keith McD (Keith McD), Sunday, 27 October 2002 09:28 (twenty-three years ago)

confession: there's a girl who i've been going to the same art history lectures as ALL YEAR, plus tutorials too in 2nd semester, and we get the same train twice a week, and we have never exchanged a single word.

― Keith McD (Keith McD), Sunday, 27 October 2002 10:04 (twenty-three years ago)

Keith- please please talk to her. there was this gorgeous blonde in my chemistry year. I had a TWO year crush on the girl. but i nevah had the courage to ask her out.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Sunday, 27 October 2002 10:16 (twenty-three years ago)

I was in your same boat for a long while there, Keith -- fellow worker at the university who took the same bus route as myself from about the same area. Took me two years to say hi! As she has a boyfriend it's all been casual friendship, but it makes the rides less tedious. :-)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 27 October 2002 14:55 (twenty-three years ago)

I can't see where Keith says he fancies this woman. Are we seeing projection from Julio and Ned?

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 27 October 2002 15:01 (twenty-three years ago)

Of course! But I think there's at least a bit of implication going on. ;-) Though I will freely admit that maybe Keith just wants to talk to her about the implications of globalization on coral reef development.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 27 October 2002 15:03 (twenty-three years ago)

I thought he was just on the antisocial theme, and could have said exactly the same thing in the same words about a male. (I say this without knowing anything of Keith's sexuality, but you know what I mean.)

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 27 October 2002 15:06 (twenty-three years ago)

No, you're quite right. I think we'll need Keith himself to confirm my idiocy or not. ;-)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 27 October 2002 15:49 (twenty-three years ago)

Thanks Martin, I struggle to see much implication and if there was any (er, the word "we" x 2??) it was subtle and unconscious. But yes you idiots, ;-), she is a fine-looking lass, I am annoyed at myself about this, and I do hope to break the ice before the end of the year. Problem is I'll have to apologise for or at least acknowledge the long silence, which will be awkward. How did that work for you, Ned?

― Keith McD (Keith McD), Sunday, 27 October 2002 15:57 (twenty-three years ago)

Rah! I'm an idiot anyway! ;-) All I did was just say something like "You know, I figure I really should say hi, we see each other just about every day!" We exchanged names and it went from there. Try it!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 27 October 2002 16:01 (twenty-three years ago)

Thanks!

― Keith McD (Keith McD), Sunday, 27 October 2002 16:05 (twenty-three years ago)

heh...sorry abt that Keith.

i think that if it was a man, i would've said hi eventually but if it was a woman then it would be much harder. its a mental block i have.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Sunday, 27 October 2002 16:30 (twenty-three years ago)

I like small talk but I can't do it. At all. In fact that's the case with most conversation - I very simply have nothing to say ever beyond "hello, how are you?" I'd like to fix that, but how can I insert thoughts when they all disappear the moment I want to say something?

― Maria (Maria), Sunday, 27 October 2002 17:54 (twenty-three years ago)

I just begged off going to a pumpkin-carving party today, 'cause the onset of winter always makes me anti-social. And I really suck at small talk.

― J (Jay), Sunday, 27 October 2002 18:32 (twenty-three years ago)

so how was martin's date with the italian lady?

― joan vich (joan vich), Sunday, 27 October 2002 18:40 (twenty-three years ago)

Great! I'm really very hopeful and excited about this!

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 27 October 2002 18:55 (twenty-three years ago)

congratulations!

― joan vich (joan vich), Sunday, 27 October 2002 18:56 (twenty-three years ago)

cool!!!

― jel -- (jel), Sunday, 27 October 2002 18:58 (twenty-three years ago)

Thank you, but I mustn't get carried away - we really like each other, but we have only met twice!

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 27 October 2002 19:03 (twenty-three years ago)

of course! keep it cool and enjoy the situation... it's like being a teenager again (happy birthday melissa!), but now you know the rules a bit better -- just a bit better :-)

― joan vich (joan vich), Sunday, 27 October 2002 19:09 (twenty-three years ago)

No, I still have no idea at all what I'm doing!

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 27 October 2002 19:12 (twenty-three years ago)

i cut straight to big talk

― mark s (mark s), Monday, 28 October 2002 19:48 (twenty-three years ago)

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