parental infidelity

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Does anyone have any advice for someone who has discovered that their dad has been cheating on their mom?

― fakename (fakename), Saturday, 26 October 2002 16:58 (twenty-three years ago)

Nothing I'd go into publicly, but feel free to email.

― nabisco (nabisco), Saturday, 26 October 2002 17:42 (twenty-three years ago)

I really had to mull on this one for a few days. This is a very unusual sort of situation. Both of my parents are dead, and they were divorced when I was still in my adolescence so I found it difficult to imagine how I might react as an adult if I were to discover something like this. Nonetheless, I thought I'd jot down a few things I imagined I might feel, and perhaps that could help you...

I might have a very difficult time fitting this new piece of information about my father into my current picture of what I'd believed him to be. Therefore, I might experience a loss of innocence, or trust.

If I was male, I might find myself questioning my own feelings and beliefs regarding fidelity; if I was female, I might take on my mother's mantle and respond to the news of the affair as if I personally had been betrayed or rejected.

Regardless of my gender, I most certainly would judge my father on some level. There might be a great outpouring of anger, disappointment, or possibly, rage.

There would be a great deal of confliction because even if I had for some reason personally rejected the ideal of fidelity, I would still have to cope with the realization that my mother might be devastated by the news. This would remain true even if I might admire some element of my father's action. And if I did, I'd likely feel guilt about that. No matter what, the attitude I might bring to my own romantic relationships would be significantly altered as a result of this new knowledge.

I would likely feel very concerned for my mother. I don't know if I'd empathize as child to mother, or woman to woman -- perhaps a bit of both.

I'd feel the burden of carrying that secret. If I told my mother, I'd be hurting her. If I didn't tell her, I'd be part of the conspiracy of silence which ultimately, would likely hurt her. What's more, if she discovered I knew and didn't tell, she might become hurt and grow angry at me. Perhaps even reject me.

I would likely also have concerns for myself: Would my parents divorce? Would my father marry this other woman? Would I have to share Christmas dinner with her? Easter? What about my mother? How would she cope, alone on those holidays? If I still lived at home, would she rely on me more on a day-to-day basis? If I didn't live at home, would she want to move in with me, or perhaps have me move back home? I'd also be concerned for any siblings -- especially younger ones -- that were still living at home.

* * *

There's certainly a jumble of emotions to consider. I think the most pressing concerns right now would be to find some form of emotional support for you. Preferably from impartial bystanders, i.e., friends might be better than family.

Incidentally, I ran this question past some friends of mine to see what they could come up with. One topic they came to a few times was the idea of you confronting your father. They cited an advice column to a much younger child (13 or so) who had made the same discovery. She confronted her father in the presence of a therapist. If you intend to or feel that you should confront your father as well, perhaps you could consider having an impartial third party with you for moral support. The same might hold true if you intend to tell your mother.

Then again, you might not want to say anything -- and who could blame you for not wanting to upset the apple cart. Generally speaking, even when grown, children don't typically involve themselves in their parent's sexual lives. There's even the remote possibility that your parent's have come to this arrangement via mutual or tacit consent. Perhaps the best thing to do would be to hesitantly sound your parents out... You could ask your mother if she's happy in her marriage for instance, or mention to your father that you saw him at ... [some location near the site of the affair].

There really are no easy answers or absolute one's either.

― ragnfild (ragnfild), Monday, 28 October 2002 05:59 (twenty-three years ago)

Ahhh. I found a link that might be helpful to you...

Impact of a Parent's Affair on Teenagers/Adult Kids: http://www.dearpeggy.com/com021.html

― ragnfild (ragnfild), Monday, 28 October 2002 19:06 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh, and here's the home page which has a full list of questions that might come up, either for you, or those around you: http://www.dearpeggy.com/affairsmenu.html

― ragnfild (ragnfild), Monday, 28 October 2002 19:09 (twenty-three years ago)

Ugh, I hate to see this seeing as it hits home pretty hard. Like Nabisco, email me.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Monday, 28 October 2002 19:19 (twenty-three years ago)

I don't know if i've ever been in as much pain as I am now. My mom knows. They didn't have any "agreement". She's known for years, and it's been a string of affairs. She's finally had enough and told us all what's going on. Now I know why she's been so neurotic and angry for all these years. I used to get pissed off with her for always being angry at him! Now I know what all the simmering resentment was about. He got to be the good guy. The fun one. The role model. While she was the crazy one, the mean one. We all felt so sorry for him and his long-suffering patience. Having to travel for work all the time, Poor guy.

I'm trying to be adult about it. I wouldn't hate a friend of mine if I knew he was having an affair. I'm just so disappointed and afraid for her. So they're "seperating" and I just know he's going to run off.

I know this is something no-one wants to talk about or think about but my heart is breaking here. What do I do when I have to see him again? What do I do now?

― fakename (fakename), Monday, 28 October 2002 21:22 (twenty-three years ago)

Please just someone give me a kind word. I don't expect anyone to know what to say.

― fakename (fakename), Monday, 28 October 2002 21:39 (twenty-three years ago)

Jesus, that's tough. Would it help you at all to have it out with your dad and point out how it is affecting you?

― Saskia, Monday, 28 October 2002 21:45 (twenty-three years ago)

*kind thoughts expressed* I wish I could offer more, really. I hope you can find as good a solution as can be had.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 28 October 2002 21:49 (twenty-three years ago)

What do I do when I have to see him again?

You'll do what you do when you do it. At that time, you'll realize you did exactly what you needed to do.

What do I do now?

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take care of your base needs: eat, sleep, work, if you have to. You've now entered the world of full-blown crisis. You're probably around step 7 of 100. The good news is, that means you don't have to solve everything today. The bad news is, this is going to be around for awhile, although fortunately, not at a consistent level of intensity.

Given how you're hurting for your mother right now, it will probably do you good to do what you can to comfort her -- no matter how you try, you'll probably feel inept at it. If she has net access, you might want to share that DearPeggy address with her.

From time to time, when it gets to be too much for you, you'll likely find yourself pulling back from her or any others associated with the situation. Sometimes a break is in order -- go for a walk or out to a movie with friends. It's okay to stop thinking about if for awhile.

As for your father... try to remember that you and he share your own relationship that is separate from the one you have with your mother. Try to remember that his ability to be a good (or bad) husband is independent of his ability to be a good father... or grandfather. In spite of that, you might experience some really intense rage and deep, deep hurt. Try to vent it in a healthy manner. And when you forget to try and do all that, try to remember that you're only human. Reach out to your friends for an ear, a shoulder and a hug. Crisis is painful.

So sorry.

― ragnfild (ragnfild), Monday, 28 October 2002 22:48 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh, that is horrible. You have my sympathy, for what it's worth. Try not to start deciding what you'll do and how you'll behave in future circumstances just now. Be kind to yourself - and to your mother, but do think about yourself too.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Monday, 28 October 2002 23:54 (twenty-three years ago)

dad cheated on my mom, my only thought when i found out ws "you are too smart to fuck your secteray"; more pissed off at the cliche.

― anthony easton (anthony), Tuesday, 29 October 2002 00:05 (twenty-three years ago)

Ouch. Hey, there has been some good advice posted here. Take care of yourself. Don't demand too much of yourself right now if you can help it, for instance, if you're thinking of making a big life change (e.g. new job, applying to college, whatever) put it on hold a bit. If you f(*#k up some stuff you're responsible for, like grades, or at the job, or a relationship, don't beat yourself up over it, feel free to tell people you're going through a rough time, but you are not obligated to explain any more or less than you feel comfortable.

That said, what your trouble is as far as I can see - I have been there - is that you're prob having to rethink *everything* you had understood about your family dynamic through your whole life, with all the motivations put in question once again. That's what, I'm afraid, can cause the most anguish: obsessing over the past and wondering/doubting what really went on, because, and this is going to sound ugly, your mother wasn't up-front with you either. Sounds like it really took a toll on her and that your relationship with her was already less-than-perfect, yes?

I don't think it is the best thing, to feel responsible for trying to comfort her, this is not criticism but after all, it is you who has just had a horrible shock! Talk to your siblings if you have them, they are going to have a better perspective, rather than throwing yourself into trying to sort out just how angry you ought to be with your father.

By the way, are you young? Still living at home?

― daria gray (daria gray), Tuesday, 29 October 2002 00:48 (twenty-three years ago)

no no I'm long out of the house, not very young either. which does make it easier.

Thanks to all of you for such good advice. I will try to take it.

― fakename (fakename), Tuesday, 29 October 2002 21:53 (twenty-three years ago)

I hope you get through this bad time. I could imagine being very angry with my father if I was in your situation, but as in so many things I'm not sure anger is that healthy. There is a lot to be said for rallying around your mother now.

hugs.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Wednesday, 30 October 2002 17:49 (twenty-three years ago)

one year passes...

i want to note that i knew something was wrong through the years. but i dident have any proof, because mom always kept us as painn free,even if she was hurting inside. she did everything in her power to make a happy atmosphere. now im 30 and my brother isnt much older then i, we both know and have proof, my dads mistress called here to my mom, and of coarse liek all he tried to deny it all. but she knew things about him only him and mom should have known. but, i loved him so much, and now my heart is in so much pain, that to me he gave me know other choice but to, move on in life, for all the hell we paid, when it was his own guilty concious. i feel betrayed, angry, upset, hurt ,slapped, and then again a scence of relief. i do feel better, because it came home. he wasent the father i thought he was all along, and he would down grade all the other family members, and looked down on them, when he was not any better. he had his own skeletons. i will regret the way i feel, but i cant look at his lieing, cheating, face again....thanks for listening..........

― mainda rutter, Wednesday, 12 May 2004 16:53 (twenty-two years ago)

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