'BEAM ME UP, SHITTY': A V IMPORTANT STAR TREK TOILET THRAED

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imagine yourself a few hundred years in the future, aboard a starfleet vessel of your choice, under the command of the captain of your choice

you strike up a friendship with the transporter operator. once she wins your trust, she tells you her secret. for months now, she has eschewed bathroom breaks in favour of simply transporting her bodily waste directly into the vacuum of space. with the extra time she's saving, she's 7.6% more productive and the captain briefly acknowledged her existence in ten-forward.

she wants to know: do you want in on this scheme?

ilx0rs, what do you tell her?

Poll Results

OptionVotes
fuck yeah man beam my turds into the inky vastness of the infinite 18
no way i treasure my poop time/poops and could never give it up 13


tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 19:59 (one year ago) Permalink

(yes, this was inspired by badger's star trek monologue in breaking bad which i remembered unbidden earlier today for some reason)

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 19:59 (one year ago) Permalink

I feel like inadvertently beaming my large intestine into space is a scenario I should take steps to avoid

Rachel Luther Queen (DJP), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:02 (one year ago) Permalink

this really doesn't seem v time-saving all things considered

oh good he's gone now i can take this off (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:03 (one year ago) Permalink

a reasonable fear, but rest assured your transporter chum has taken all necessary precautions to ensure only your waste products are rematerialised amid the stars

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:03 (one year ago) Permalink

xp

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:04 (one year ago) Permalink

Why not save even more time and have food beamed directly into your stomach?

well the bitter comes out better on a stolen Switch cartridge (snoball), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:04 (one year ago) Permalink

this really doesn't seem v time-saving all things considered

i commend your obvious commitment to a high-fibre diet

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:04 (one year ago) Permalink

because my waste products contain bacteria and related organisms, it would be against the prime directive to destroy them in the inky vastness

mookieproof, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:07 (one year ago) Permalink

yes but OTOH this is the Star Trek universe where everything is guaranteed to go spectacularly wrong at some point

eventually you're going to be like "plz beam out my poop" *switch thrown* "OH MY GOD THERE'S A CARDASSION FOOT IN MY ASS" *dies*

Rachel Luther Queen (DJP), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:08 (one year ago) Permalink

i'd conjure up a way to beam them directly into the flaming paper bag i put outside spock's door

nomar, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:08 (one year ago) Permalink

xxp Maybe they could all be beamed to one planet instead. Planet Poop.

well the bitter comes out better on a stolen Switch cartridge (snoball), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:08 (one year ago) Permalink

But just editing the transporter logs("logs", hunh hunh), seems like it's just be a waste of time.

Hey waitamin, if you use the crapper in a holodeck program, does it de-rez the output along with everything else once the program ends? What about if you vomit from seasickness during an ocean voyage? And there are even more bodily fluids that clean up would be problematic. Would they clog the filters?

International House of Hot Takes (kingfish), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:09 (one year ago) Permalink

Don't ask about the clean up procedures required in Quark's holosuites.

well the bitter comes out better on a stolen Switch cartridge (snoball), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:10 (one year ago) Permalink

if you beam your poops into space, what do you feed the replicator when you want dinner?

Balðy Daudrs (contenderizer), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:11 (one year ago) Permalink

And why is it if generated matter can't leave the holodeck, like how Laurence Tierney got zapped in an early ep, why have we seen multiple crewmen and officers dripping wet after they've left from getting doused?

International House of Hot Takes (kingfish), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:11 (one year ago) Permalink

What does a post-scarcity socialist utopia do with sex tourism?

International House of Hot Takes (kingfish), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:13 (one year ago) Permalink

the planet risa

mookieproof, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:14 (one year ago) Permalink

there's a planet for that

lol jinx

Balðy Daudrs (contenderizer), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:15 (one year ago) Permalink

"photon torpedos armed and targeted"
https://youtu.be/l28KDuRrPYU?t=587

Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:24 (one year ago) Permalink

what happens when a ship travelling at warp nine hits a flash-frozen dookie?

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:24 (one year ago) Permalink

main deflector dish

Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:25 (one year ago) Permalink

I think that Trip said poop gets made into boots. Do you want future crew members to go bootless?

takin care of bismuth (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:27 (one year ago) Permalink

yes

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:38 (one year ago) Permalink

just replicate some boots ffs

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 20:39 (one year ago) Permalink

can only assume that this transporter operator is vulcan

for klingons, the act of defecation is a contest of will vs sphincter. songs are sung of the time kahless spent three days and three nights excreting a tholian urdrakon in one piece

that was a warrior's turd

mookieproof, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 21:07 (one year ago) Permalink

i attended Star Trek conventions in NYC in '75/76 at which James 'Scotty' Doohan said, "No, we don't have bathrooms on the Enterprise. But we do have phasers."

I subsequently learned that this was his go-to public appearance joke.

Supercreditor (Dr Morbius), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 21:42 (one year ago) Permalink

so they use phaser beams to disintegrate their poops? innarestin'

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 21:44 (one year ago) Permalink

'set phasers to shit'

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 21:45 (one year ago) Permalink

"Don't worry, the poop is just stunned."

jmm, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 21:49 (one year ago) Permalink

I just remembered the kicker to the joke was "and they can be set to disintegrate"

Supercreditor (Dr Morbius), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 22:06 (one year ago) Permalink

yeah, that would be the punchline

Balðy Daudrs (contenderizer), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 22:09 (one year ago) Permalink

damn i think i just mind-melded with scotty

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 22:12 (one year ago) Permalink

you don't want to let the muscles atrophy, do you?

j., Tuesday, 28 March 2017 22:14 (one year ago) Permalink

might find yourself on a planet with stone-age bathrooms

j., Tuesday, 28 March 2017 22:14 (one year ago) Permalink

Shitter on the Edge of Forever

Supercreditor (Dr Morbius), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 22:49 (one year ago) Permalink

The Trouble with Dribbles

Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 22:51 (one year ago) Permalink

for a moment i imagined one less intelligent crewman shooting himself in the ass trying to disintegrate his poop mid-sphincter dilation

Neanderthal, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 22:52 (one year ago) Permalink

Lighting farts probably dangerous too.

Bill Teeters (Tom D.), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 22:55 (one year ago) Permalink

wait if they have no toilets what do they wipe with?

Neanderthal, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 22:59 (one year ago) Permalink

TNG frequently showed wash basins and towels

Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 23:00 (one year ago) Permalink

space towels

j., Tuesday, 28 March 2017 23:01 (one year ago) Permalink

also they have toilets

Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 23:01 (one year ago) Permalink

wait if they have no toilets what do they wipe with?

tribbles

Οὖτις, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 23:02 (one year ago) Permalink

just gonna...lie down for a little while

Neanderthal, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 23:09 (one year ago) Permalink

you mean that in an 'i'll be in my bunk' sense?

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 23:16 (one year ago) Permalink

Captain's log, no stardate. For us, sanitation fixtures do not exist. McCoy, back somewhere in the past, has effected a change in the course of fecal disposal. All of poop history has been changed. There are no porcelain toilets. There isn't even an outhouse. We have only one chance. We have asked the Guardian to show us poop's history again: Spock and I will go back into time ourselves and attempt to set right whatever it was that McCoy changed.

Neanderthal, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 23:25 (one year ago) Permalink

I'm 100% in favor of teleporting my feces into the gardening fullerene before I have to spoilate otherwise potable water. This is such an obvious efficiency that I have to assume anyone voting against is simply a coprophile, and thankfully, we have treatments for that.

Not the real Tombot (El Tomboto), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 23:25 (one year ago) Permalink

what if you accidentally beam a heaping pile of shit into like a poor alien's mouth

Neanderthal, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 23:30 (one year ago) Permalink

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ro_QpDJX-Sk

Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 28 March 2017 23:34 (one year ago) Permalink

Feel like this scenario hypothetically opens up a whole new usage of the term 'transporter accident'.

Ambling Shambling Man (Old Lunch), Tuesday, 28 March 2017 23:44 (one year ago) Permalink

"coffee, hot, black.... OW OW OW WHAT THE HELL IS IN MY COLON"

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 03:11 (one year ago) Permalink

first documented case of "receiving a dump"

Neanderthal, Wednesday, 29 March 2017 03:12 (one year ago) Permalink

Thank god we got the new question option up just in time

i believe that (s)he is sincere (forksclovetofu), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 03:22 (one year ago) Permalink

Although passing stool is one of life's greatest sensual pleasures, some mornings you're just backed up with hard pebbles...

...and DON'T *bleeep* IT UP! (Leee), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 05:48 (one year ago) Permalink

doesn't scotty live in the transporter? i don't want him inside my butthole

massaman gai, Wednesday, 29 March 2017 08:12 (one year ago) Permalink

scotty lives in a whisky bottle iirc

http://www.drunkard.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/scotty-booze.jpg

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 08:21 (one year ago) Permalink

the amount of mass lost from one crew member doing this would be trivial, but if everyone did it, wouldn't they have to import more biomass (or just matter?) to keep the station running? you know those replicators are just constructing organic matter out of recycled poops. no poops, no tea.

a landlocked exclave (mh 😏), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 14:32 (one year ago) Permalink

what if the only thing keeping the ship online is the shit recycler

a landlocked exclave (mh 😏), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 14:33 (one year ago) Permalink

Poolong Tea

Neanderthal, Wednesday, 29 March 2017 14:34 (one year ago) Permalink

Earl Brown, steaming hot

rb (soda), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 14:35 (one year ago) Permalink

Dilithium crystals are a pleasant fiction made up to distract from what's actually being pumped into the warp core.

jmm, Wednesday, 29 March 2017 14:40 (one year ago) Permalink

you know those replicators are just constructing organic matter out of recycled poops. no poops, no tea.

they could switch to using the corpses of ill-fated away-team members. 'soylent red'

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 15:30 (one year ago) Permalink

Why not just transport the poop out of your lower intestine, reassemble it in the transporter's pattern buffer into food, and then transport it into your stomach?

well the bitter comes out better on a stolen Switch cartridge (snoball), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 19:17 (one year ago) Permalink

I mean, if they can use the transporter to reverse Pulaski's accelerated again, and turn Picard and co from kids back into adults, then this poop transporter/transformation is simple.

well the bitter comes out better on a stolen Switch cartridge (snoball), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 19:18 (one year ago) Permalink

how is poop 'formed?

Balðy Daudrs (contenderizer), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 19:21 (one year ago) Permalink

why would they need to use the transporter at all? I would assume the ship's septic tank is connected to an airlock that releases their collected waste into space on a regular basis.

Moodles, Wednesday, 29 March 2017 19:30 (one year ago) Permalink

woah snoball is on to something here guys

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 19:32 (one year ago) Permalink

xxp Maybe they could all be beamed to one planet instead. Planet Poop.

― well the bitter comes out better on a stolen Switch cartridge (snoball), Tuesday, March 28, 2017 3:08 PM

Chester Brown sort of did this.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v296/WilliamCrump63/gateway.jpg

scattered, smothered, covered, diced and chunked (WilliamC), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 19:39 (one year ago) Permalink

queuing up 'Uranus' joek BRB...

well the bitter comes out better on a stolen Switch cartridge (snoball), Wednesday, 29 March 2017 20:58 (one year ago) Permalink

don't forget the Rimworld jokes while you're there

Not the real Tombot (El Tomboto), Thursday, 30 March 2017 01:41 (one year ago) Permalink

isn't Shatner's post-ST resume all the shit you need

Supercreditor (Dr Morbius), Thursday, 30 March 2017 02:02 (one year ago) Permalink

it's right in his name ffs

Neanderthal, Thursday, 30 March 2017 02:28 (one year ago) Permalink

she's 7.6% more productive and the captain briefly acknowledged her existence in ten-forward

what a pathetic reason

a little too mature to be cute (Aimless), Thursday, 30 March 2017 02:45 (one year ago) Permalink

it's that kind of attitude that will ensure you'll never be promoted past the rank of ensign tbh

tony orlandoni, cheese engineer (bizarro gazzara), Thursday, 30 March 2017 08:15 (one year ago) Permalink

Back to the poop deck with you, Mr. Crusher!

Philip Nunez, Thursday, 30 March 2017 20:10 (one year ago) Permalink

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

System, Monday, 3 April 2017 00:01 (one year ago) Permalink

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

System, Tuesday, 4 April 2017 00:01 (one year ago) Permalink

justice was done here btw, well done ilx

stanley weebeard (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 4 April 2017 21:04 (one year ago) Permalink

two months pass...

changing my vote

Charles "Butt" Stanton (Neanderthal), Friday, 23 June 2017 04:37 (eleven months ago) Permalink

seven months pass...

man do not regret making this decision #byepoopz

Hi diddley dee, hen fapper's life for me (Neanderthal), Friday, 9 February 2018 03:24 (three months ago) Permalink


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