mongoose murder, a fatal zipline and suicide by san francisco area park: a compendium of internet failure

so over on the the finest of display names only thread we've been talking about three stories which i stumbled across recently

each of the stories compile the efforts of posters to the somethingawful messageboards to achieve greatness in some way, and the hilarious and painful ways in which they fail completely, and they are so good they deserve their own thread here on ilx

the stories are:

1) walking across america
2) tell me how to fix this zipline
and the daddy of them all
3) samadhi village

i highly recommend reading all the pages of each thread for the full experience

Re: the increasingly-astounding adventures of Socratic Moron, do the Darwin Awards offer a prize for best genuine effort at dying in a howlingly stupid fashion? Because the dude at least deserves a participation prize for surviving to adulthood against every possible self-owning odd.

But also the people who spent more than five minutes closely reading about his endeavor before saying, yeah, a slow and absurd death on a Hawaiian island is so me.

'hey, this socratic moron guy is really into something!' *buys plane ticket, gets trench foot*

1. I am not properly equipped for the rain. I need rubber boots (my tennis shoes are now shot) and a large brim hat so the rain doesn't get in my eyes. In addition, the machete flew out of my hand once because it was so slippery. I need some gloves or something so that doesn't happen again.

Guys, I just tried to make a sandwich and I'm hoping you can tell me what I did wrong. I had a loaf of bread and I threw it off a bridge but now I'm thinking that I should have maybe sliced it and put it on a plate? After that debacle, I smashed the jar of jelly in a toilet, which seems like the way I've seen people use jelly before but now I'm unsure of how to get the jelly out of the toilet and how to get the glass shards out of the jelly. Finally, while I initially intended to pair the jelly with some peanut butter and make a traditional 'PB&J' sandwich (like mom used to make!), I opted instead at the last minute to slowly carve off my bottom jaw with a dull box cutter. I thought this was gonna be easy but I might be in over my head here. Help!

we certainly dont DRINK the pigshit water we just brush our teeth with it also i am mad with fever & shitting my lower intestines on the reg #namaste

Yay thread!

that first one was after my time but the zipline and hawaii ones are SA classics for sure

twitter thread preserving another SA classic here:

ok this is the Groverhaus thread. it's time we put this shit on twitter for real. no one rational will ever buy an archives account again so pic.twitter.com/kaKIPGTYIV

— weeaboo banzai (@3liza) July 30, 2017

on the last page of the "walk across america" thread someone posted links to other similar stories, sorta recommended reading

this one in particular is a read and a half. awesome mystery-solving, i've been reading it all afternoon & i'm hooked:
http://www.otherhand.org/home-page/search-and-rescue/the-hunt-for-the-death-valley-germans/

crying with laughter at some of the riffing on Socratic Moron

zipline thread is so good

The guy who built an 'underground party bunker' out of a shipping container would be a good candidate for this type of thread, but it looks like most of the images have gone ;_;

Link here anyway: https://www.reddit.com/r/DIY/comments/5uo176/underground_party_bunker/

Have YOU ever built a Samadhi Village? No? Then I'll kindly direct you to the nearest gate out of here. Yeah, it's the one that says Shut The Fuck Up over it. Don't let it hit you where The Land Spirit split you. Greets.

bahaha

lol at these

was it from ilx i got linked the one abt the guy covering his lawn in loose bits of diced rubber? and the guy doing totally random home improvement projects that ultimately removed a load-bearing wall?

the load bearing wall one was from reddit DIY i think

yeah reddit diy has a lot of these including the classic emil.y mentioned. it's just so great when someone has built a death trap and refuses to admit they have built a death trap.

omg bless you bizarro, i fear this will keep me up all night giggling

explore -> make accessible -> experiment -> implement

shoot -> mongoose -> in the -> head multiple -> times with a -> pellet gun

I think it was pplains who introduced us to the wonders of reddit diy. can't remember which thread though.

Also, I'm covered in yeast right now (fun).

Goons, feeling some sharp pains in my side for the last six weeks. Think this could be related to a bee hive I got under my mattress? Thanks.

just read whole samadhi village saga, amazing. bummer about all the fat-shaming "jokes" tho :-/

but man oh mannnn that guy. what's amazing is how similar the tone always is. very particular kind of dude, particular kind of posting style that seems to correspond with this particular kind of staggering thick-headedness.

load bearing wall guy: https://www.reddit.com/r/DIY/comments/46xzz3/i_decided_to_destroy_a_wall_with_a_hammer_to_open

I reached into my shoulder quiver, produced a dysentery-tipped arrow, and fired it straight between the boar's eyes, missing its brain by mere microns. I wiped the yeast from my hands on its piss-soaked fur and began to harvest what could stand between another night of survival and a slow death. Upon removing the boar's eye I was reminded of my baseball career, and a sudden rush of emotion, dirt, leaves, rat teeth, worms, katydids, nails, gauze bits, nickel ore, mealworms, etc. began to surge forth from my ass. My teak flooring began to whir with the sound of midnight pests. My diseased guts twisted into knots.

Then I heard the bees.

This is pretty amazing stuff; glad i took your advice and paged through to find details like
http://i.imgur.com/mKmGj.jpg
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3689852&pagenumber=3#post439370411

Oh, man, that Twitter thread about the dude's house.

recessed lighting on an angled ceiling, beaming directly into the room. absolutely phenomenal. the longer i look, the better these pics get

i think the groverhaus thread might somehow have led me to the stories i posted originally, i forget, but yeah that's one for the annals of internet idiocy too

the thing that still baffles me about groverhaus and samadhi village is just how these staggeringly idiotic people managed to get their hands on the money required to build a slipshod dreamhouse or buy land on hawaii in the first place

like, even if they were born into affluence i find it hard to imagine that they wouldn't have exchanged their fortunes for the chance to buy three magic beans or something

yeah what makes the unfolding of samadhi village so great is the detective work on exactly what kind of terribly dumb failed internet businesses this guy was able to spin into the (literal) gold that he was now squandering on a long-term project of succumbing to parasites and self-inflicted machete wounds

smash capitalism: the samadhi village story

Also, I'm covered in yeast right now (fun).

samadhi village guy watched Into the Wild and thought, "How tragic. If only McCandless had just kept all of that money and thought to bring some victims."

WE HAVE RESPECT FOR THE LAND WE LOVE MOTHER NATURE!!! *ties pig to chair, cuts off its ear with razor to the tune of Stuck In the Middle With You*

Oh... my... God...

This thread has totally made my day. Bravo, ILX.

all the backstory about yoga village guy's shonky websites and tea party shite & gold/economy definitely adds layers of color to the crazy story

tbh yoga is the least-believable aspect of the story by the time you're done reading the thread

http://i.imgur.com/9IYybCR.jpg

Fellow Hawaii goons, if you think you have the flu it's probably another actual disease because you're some retard who lives in the jungle for no reason. "Bee" aware (theres lots of bees and ants in your bed probably)

can we not repaste the r-word, please?

oops sorry. it was the bee joke that I really liked anyway. If a mod wants to edit that out it's fine by me

appreciate you saying so, thanks.

Do archives of these exist?

You could pay for archives access at Something Awful and dig up the originals I guess

https://kotaku.com/new-doom-map-recreates-a-famously-terrible-bathroom-1833078521