American Jokes

Ummm ... we have great regional jokes, if that's any consolation. You know, jokes about southerners being dumb and incestuous, New Yorkers being greasy and rude, Californians being gay and flighty, Texans being pompous assholes, etc.

You *cad.* *flounces off*

I like Dave Q.'s joke, but Nick A.'s is even funnier! (taking into account DQ's feelings towards the English, obv)

His reply: "I think it would be an excellent idea."

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
"Bilingual".

What do you call someone who speaks one language?
"An American".

Sorry - I couldnae resist.

"An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"

And that differs from the average non-American's perception of the average American how?

The non-Texan Americans attribute pomposity and self-infatuation to the Texans. The non-Americans see no need to make that distinction. (Once in college I was reading a French-language film magazine, and a title -- Tronconneuse Massacre -- caught my eye. It's the French-language version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; the French distributors saw no need to specify that this was a Texas thing. The magazine I was reading was clearly not Cahiers de Cinema.)

Are people gonna get confused when Ocean's Twelve comes out, and want to know where 1 - 10 went?

these people exist

The film was always called The Madness of King George, and it bore that title everywhere it was exhibited. The confusion came about because the film was based upon a play entitled The Madness of George III, but the film's producers opted to call their movie The Madness of King George instead.

http://snopes.com/movies/films/george.htm

Oh, these American lives! *BUG EYED SHRUG*

Q: what do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
A: trilingual
Q: what do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?
A: bilingual

Q: what do you call someone who speaks 1 language?
A: American

harrr haaarrrr

[Anti-Amerikan jokes responding to anti-French jokes connected to the Gulf War March, 2003]

The top ten replies to "cheese-eating surrender monkeys":

10. How many Amerikans does it take to prosecute a sex crime?
Answer: 535--435 in the House, 100 in the Senate

9. How do Republicans reduce unemployment?
Answer: By prosecuting oral sex.

8. How do Republicans increase unemployment?
Answer: They cut spending on Monica Lewinsky.

7. How many times did employers fire Saddam Hussein?
Answer: Only once, the CIA paid for the rest of his work.

6. How many wives does the average Amerikan husband have?
Answer: 10, 1 at home and 9 in Utah.

5. How does the Amerikan womyn avoid the singles bar scene?
Answer: She marries her kidnapper.

4. How many Amerikans does it take to catch and prosecute child-abusing polygamists?
Answer: No one knows: it's never been tried.

3. How many Amerikans does it take to buy a gallon of gas?
Answer: 250,000 to seize it and one to pump it.

2. Why do Amerikan wars always come in twos?
Answer: The first one creates terrorists and the second one does too.

1. Amerikans, the "Cheez-Whiz-eating Lewinsky addicts."

http://www.etext.org/Politics/MIM/art/humor/antiamerikanjokes.html

ask him where the nearest Canadian Tire is.

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?

A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people." —Conan O'Brien

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." —David Letterman

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." —Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." —Rush Limbaugh

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." —General George S. Patton

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

Q: Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly?
A: It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.

Q: What's the difference between 1943 and 2003?
A. This time around, the Vichy government is telling the German puppets what to do.

Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

French Military History in a Nutshell

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

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If You all Want To Hate America Thats Fine, Assuming You Guys Are Europeans You Can Do That Becuse You Either Live In A Free World And Country We Built With Our Blood Or Liberated You With Our Blood From Some White Suppremicist A Few Countrys To The East Or Your A Country Who's Ass We Kicked And Now Is Free And Ungrateful. Yes The French Did Come To Our Aid In The Rev. War But They Came In The Last Battle And Was Largely A Naval Aid The War Was One Basicly Anyway And With Out Them Would Have Lasted Maybe Another 6mo. To A Year. How Ever We Kicked The Germans Out Of France And Other Eur. Nations Twice With Over Half A Million War Dead For You Guys. And Then For 50 Years Had Tens Of Thousands Of Soldiers Stationed In Euorpe To Keep The Reds From Marching West. All Though You All Love Socialism Now You Werent Keen On The Soviets Then. And To The Canadians All I Have To Say To You Is Shut Up, Not Even The Europeans Care For You. I Will Be The First One To Tell You There Are Problems In America And Flaws In The Iraq War. But The Fact Is What The Fuck Is It To You About Iraq. You Blame Our Actions On Creating Terrorists But Lets Take A Look At History. America Never Had Colonies In The Mid East But Several Eur. Nations Did. The Mid East Was Carved Out By The French And The English. You All Have A Pastry That Is A Slur Against Muslims The Crescent Created After The Failed Attempt By The Turks To Invade Austria. France's Miserable Failure And Attempt At Empire In Algeria And The British And French Invasion Of The Sinai Peninsula In 1956. And The Crusades. This May Be Long Ago To You All But These Islamfascists Hold A Grudge To Say The Least. I Hope Someday The Euros And The Canadians Will Come Back Or For Some Get Some Sense And We Can Be Friends Again. I Am Proud To Be American Faults And All. Nationalism Is Not Evil Or Wrong. I Do Not Think I Am Better Then Any One (Well Nazis And Commies And Islamo Fascists)I Hope The Middle East Will Be Peaceful And Democratic Soon. I Hope For A Palestinian State But One From Arab Land Not Jewish Land. Figuring The Palestinians Originally Lived And Wanted There Nation On Jordanian And Egyptian Land. And Dont Think Euro Pride Is Not Nationalism The European Union Is On Its Way To Become A Nation To Its Self. In Summation We Have All Made Mistakes, We Can End The Hatred Between Eachother Or We Can Be Enemies But If You Choose The Latter Dont Forget To Read Your History Books About America At War With Hostile European Nations. Bush Is Not To Blame For This Euro American Rift America And Europe Is To Blame Though It Was Really America Uk Australia Agaisnt France Germany And Russia. If You Guys Never Come Around Then Ill See You The Next Time Some Nut Bag In Europe Or The Mid East Or Russia Gets A Power Complex And Wants To Gobble You Guys Up Becuse Like Always Will Bail Your Asses Out.

With Love And Peace,

Aaron W.
Houston Tx

I love how everyone has been making this ridiculously ahistorical joke for like the last three years. Chamberlain must be giggling in his grave.

Do Americans really imagine some alternate pre-WWII history wherein the US/UK were just itching to whup Hitler and the French stood nonchalantly by?

Why do American's talk so loud?

So you can hear them over their clothes.

“I’d rather sit in line at the DMV than listen to DMB!”