Do you have an obligation to your friends not to bring them down when you're out together?

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When you're out with people, and you're having a good time, is it selfish and rude when someone gets obviously mopey, and everyone has to stop and make sure they're okay? Or should friends be allowed to be totally up-front about everything they're feeling, even at the expense of others' good mood?

― Sam (chirombo), Thursday, 5 December 2002 11:28 (twenty-three years ago)

Depends on the situation entirely. If it is someones birthday then the only person who is allowed to be down or needily miserable is the birthday person. If the other person is going to be down then they should really bugger off. Why do you want to be with up people when you are depressed. If it is so their bonhomie rubs off then you really shouldn't be trying to bring them down.

In a smaller gathering of friends for noparticular reason then its fine to be down and chat to your friends about it. But I knew someone who was constantly doing this, almost changing moods to become the centre of attention. I don't really see her that much any more.

― Pete (Pete), Thursday, 5 December 2002 11:32 (twenty-three years ago)

I kind of think that if you're feeling mopey you shouldn't be out in the first place, although with close friends I think it should be allowed. If someone who wasn't usually moody seemed really down, I'd be much more likely to pause in the fun and chat to him/her. But when it's someone who's often like that I get hardened.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 5 December 2002 11:45 (twenty-three years ago)

Nobody has the right to ruin somebody else's party! One small gathering I had was ruined when some busybody who I didn't even want there simply HAD to inform everyone that another guest's ex had a brain tumour (an EX for fuck's sake) which totally ruined the mood! Like, couldn't it have waited until the next day? Not only that, but the 'brain tumour' story turned out to be not even true, it was actually migraines that had gone through the Chinese whispers treatment! Fucking attention seekers!

― dave q, Thursday, 5 December 2002 11:50 (twenty-three years ago)

Knowing that a friend is quaranting themselves in misery just for the 'protection' of other people would bother me much more though. I mean, I certainly don't enjoy seeing someone in pain, but I would never expect them to deny it for my sake. It's a natural reaction to try to cheer people up, for their sake you tell yourself - but it's just as much a selfish act (I was somewhat ignorant this way very recently and I hope the friend in question wasn't too put off by it) - sometimes, you know, it's just gotta be like that for a while. If people are really your friends, they can deal.

― Kim (Kim), Thursday, 5 December 2002 12:23 (twenty-three years ago)

The problem is that if you don't go out when you're miserable your friendships atrophy anyway. The thing is to pick and choose when to go out - avoid group/party situations and stick to one or two close friends while you're down, and when you feel strong enough then try and be the one to organise something, show you still value people.

― Tom (Groke), Thursday, 5 December 2002 12:32 (twenty-three years ago)

always not imposing yr feelings on friends is a kind of withholding of trust also, and can build up to difficult results (they feel untrusted, you feel resentful andresented, bad loop ensues): i get regular shit from a coupla my closest phonebuffies for not telling them when i'm blue - the reason is kinda that when they're there and talking i'm cheered up anyway, but actually also that i have not good skills at spilling face-to-face or on the phone (in print: woah, try and stop me) (but they are not ebuffies)

― mark s (mark s), Thursday, 5 December 2002 12:49 (twenty-three years ago)

If I'm feeling miserable I tend not to go out because I'll just piss people off, but then they get pissed off with me anyway, because I don't show up (I do ring to say I won't be there, but it's usually only an hour or so's notice). If it's just me and one other person, though, I'll always go, miserable or not.

― Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 5 December 2002 13:12 (twenty-three years ago)

I think if you're seriously blue and honest about it, and at least partially capable of letting your friends cheer you up, you won't spoil the party. If you're so far down that you can't have ANY fun in a group of friends, you're probably better off not going out with a group but keeping it to a close friend or too.

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Thursday, 5 December 2002 14:36 (twenty-three years ago)

Not exactly on-topic, but I had a freind who used to complain/joke about the fact that he would go out with me and I would spend a lot of time laughing with him, but then if he asked, I would say that I hadn't had a good time. One of his other close friends would look expressionless and gloomy, yet when asked, he would say that he had been enjoying himself.

I definitely don't think laughing=having a good time necessarily.

― Rockist Scientist, Thursday, 5 December 2002 16:01 (twenty-three years ago)

A balance had to be struck. Sometimes people just end up taking advantage of their friends putting up with alcohol-fuelled ism and the whole thing becomes a bad pattern.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 5 December 2002 16:12 (twenty-three years ago)

there shouldnt be an 'obligation' to be up all the time with close friends,and if you really feel down its a bit hard to pretend otherwise to people who know you well.
if someone in my group is really down, i dont mind if they show it when we are all out. it doesnt hurt to spend a bit of time listening to someones problems and trying to help, thats part of being their friend isnt it?
i guess it depends on the person, the closeness of the friendships and what it is all about. if someone is just a regular sad-sack then people do tend to get a bit bored with that and turn a blind eye.

― donna (donna), Thursday, 5 December 2002 18:27 (twenty-three years ago)

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