alcoholic/drug addict in the family

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I'm in a really awful position right now. My younger sister has serious problems with drugs and alcohol. She's 15 years old and she sneaks out of the house in the middle of the night to smoke crack and heroin and to drink. She has also recently gotten in trouble with the law for her involvement in an armed robbery. She has a court date coming up, and if she's caught doing anything else it could be disastrous. She could end up a ward of the court and taken away from my mother. The thing is, I don't think my mom realizes everything she does. I try to tell her, but she doesn't want to believe it. I think my sister seriously needs help to battle her substance abuse, but I'm afraid that if anything else about her comes to light that she will be put in foster care. Also, I think she isn't mature enough for rehab. I think she will scoff at it and use it to network with more people with problems and addictions. But I don't know what to do. In addition to all that, she's promiscuous and heavily involved with gang activity. And she's violent and impulsive. I fear that I'm going to lose her soon, one way or another.

There seems to be no way to approach this that doesn't cause a myriad of other problems.
But she's heading swiftly towards the point of no return and I absolutely have to do something.
I just have no idea what.

― MW, Monday, 20 January 2003 10:30 (twenty-three years ago)

Please, don't ignore this.

― MW, Monday, 20 January 2003 12:05 (twenty-three years ago)

Does she have any interests besides drugs/gangs etc? I mean, ANY at all? That could be developed into a more rewarding pastimes? If so, there is hope.

― dave q, Monday, 20 January 2003 12:30 (twenty-three years ago)

She's an amazing singer. She's an operatic soprano. But she's willing to throw it all away.

― MW, Monday, 20 January 2003 12:34 (twenty-three years ago)

I mean, I dunno about the 'addictive personality' thing, but having had experience with alot of these problems, I find that ppl (like myself) that get into this kind of thing have a capacity for OBSESSIVE behaviour (as opposed to simply self-destructive), but that single-minded energy can be turned toward something that won't land you in jail, mental hospital etc. Once an obsessive-type person finds something both relatively safe and meaningful to expend this energy on, amazing things can happen. (IMHO - too much rehab lit is about 'finding happiness', for some it's not about that at all [for me & other druggies it was often "Look at those contented cud-chewers, I'd rather flame out in an orgy of self-immolation than be like those drones"] - it's about 'making the most of life' or 'being intense' or whatever. Appeal to the person's self-interest - someone told me once, "Look, if you're into excitement and self-destruction etc., why not work on your music until you're succesful, then use all the money to buy drugs and be a public disaster like Keith Richards or something? You'll have more money, you'll be able to party with interesting ppl. Because RIGHT NOW you're just another small-town burnout who everybody laughs at because you pass out in 7-11's." Dunno if that would help anyone else, but it gave me pause at least)_

― dave q, Monday, 20 January 2003 12:40 (twenty-three years ago)

When I was about 16/17, I had quite serious alcohol problems and was regularly getting myself into trouble. I wasn't into drugs and didn't commit any major crimes, but I certainly was in a situation that sounds slightly similar to your sister's. In the end, I was sent to a therapeutic hospital for nin months when I was 17. It was pretty unpleasant, but it helped me a lot. But, perhaps your sister is too young to be sent to something like that, as it was only for adults. I'm not sure of concrete advice, unfortunately. However, you must make sure that you don't take the whole burden of this and end up feeling that it's your responsibility. It isn't. Your sister may be suffering from depression or whatever, and as such may not be wholly responsible for her behaviour, but she is 15 and should have some common sense about her, and should realise that there are bound to be some consequences to her actions. Also, she is young enough to screw up spectacularly but get better in time and still make something of her life.

Rehab could go either way: she could network and think it's some kind of joke, or she could be scared shitless by the utter lack of dignity and glamour of the other people in there. I wish I had something more useful to say.

― JustSomeone, Monday, 20 January 2003 12:43 (twenty-three years ago)

The thing with these situations is that you can offer all the advice and help and love in the world, and it can be the right advice, but the person in the situation needs to see for themselves how pointless and dangerous what they are doing actually is before they can have that epiphanical moment that causes them to snap out of it. Your sister has two things going for her, her voice and her youth. She has time to get out of this, but she needs the inclination, and that's the hardest bit to get. It's a difficult situation and I don't know what to say beyond that. Good luck.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Monday, 20 January 2003 13:12 (twenty-three years ago)

MW I dont really know what to say, Ive lurked here for ages- standing on a few toes for a laugh but had to try and answer your request.

Some people will destroy themselves regardless of the efforts of others and thats their own choice but most of us seem to get through it against the odds- somehow. Its never easy for those who love them to watch them do that but I think everyone has a different path in life but we are all searching for similar truths. I think Daves advice is very good about an intrest especially at her age the big "finding happiness" might mean fuck all. The old stuff about needing to find intimacy and love with someone or something to be able value themselves and have hope... dont completley ignore it!

If it was my sister Id tell her I loved her, tell her how much I was worried about her and how great she is and tell her I was there if she ever needed help or someone to talk to. I guess thats all common sense. It must be so hard for you and I wish I had a better answer.

― Kiwi, Monday, 20 January 2003 13:18 (twenty-three years ago)

how much of an age gap is there? how does your sister view you?

i think that the role you need to play is different depending on these 2 questions? i think being the parent role is a mistake, but how to approach things will depend very much on the relationship you have...

― gareth (gareth), Monday, 20 January 2003 13:24 (twenty-three years ago)

how much of an age gap is there? how does your sister view you?

I'm 19. She thinks I'm a weirdo recluse that has no relevance to or understanding of the "real" world.

― MW, Monday, 20 January 2003 13:28 (twenty-three years ago)

ok ok. this makes it a little difficult to get things across. you need to be someone that she wants to listen to. if she thinks you are a weirdo-recluse there is a danger that your advice will be seen as weirdo-recluse advice, and who would want to follow that?

is there anyone who she looks up to? anyone she might actually listen to what they say?

― gareth (gareth), Monday, 20 January 2003 13:44 (twenty-three years ago)

No, and that's really the problem. She really has no respect for anyone anymore.

― MW, Monday, 20 January 2003 13:46 (twenty-three years ago)

the people she hangs out with? are they all unsuitable for such a purpose

― gareth (gareth), Monday, 20 January 2003 13:48 (twenty-three years ago)

Most of her friends are drug dealers.

― MW, Monday, 20 January 2003 13:52 (twenty-three years ago)

Christ, that's awful. I don't know if there's any advice I can give. I assume that going the shock-tactic route (ie, taking her to witness the autopsy of someone her age, or making her spend some time watching what goes on in an ER that gets a lot of teen cases) isn't going to work...

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 20 January 2003 16:23 (twenty-three years ago)

I have no advice to give but my heart goes out to you and I hope things get better.

― smee (smee), Monday, 20 January 2003 16:25 (twenty-three years ago)

Ditto, really. It's very hard to know what to say, but I really wish you well (of course I know who I'm talking to, and you're someone I like and wish well generally). One point is that while you obviously want to do everything you can to save your sister, you have to realise that it is not finally your responsibility. If you can't do anything, it's not your fault.

The advice above seems sound, generally, except I'm not sure that given her state of mind and your relationship with her, you are likely to be able to enthuse her about anything, if such were possible anyway. There are organisations that offer help to addicts, and I think you should at least look some of them up and give them a call - it can do no harm that I can see, and they might be of some help. I've never had close and regular contact with anyone having serious drug problems, so I don't know what else to say.

I don't want to stick my nose in by emailing you privately, but please add me to the mental list of people who you can email/AIM/MSN if you ever want to talk.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Monday, 20 January 2003 18:57 (twenty-three years ago)

I'm sorry MW for the distress this is obviously calling you. I think I agree w/Kiwi's line of thinking.

My younger brother had similar problems as a teen and I made myself sick with worry trying to figure out how to help him. Unfortunately as we all know, these kinds of addictions run in the family. At the time neither of my parents were in any position to do anything for him as they had their own problems to worry about. I tried to be the mother and steer him away from danger. I took him in, supported him, helped him through legal and personal entanglements, etc. But nothing I did ulitmately changed his behavior or his attitude which was the core of all his problems. Eventually, I had to give up or I was going to destroy myself in the process of trying to help him.

The truth is you can't help people who don't want your help. No matter how much you think you know what they need to do, you can't convince them to do it unless they want to let you.

Fortunately my brother found a way out of his hell but it wasn't through me. The one thing I was able to do was always give him my unconditional love. He's in a much better place now (married with kids) and we still love each other deeply.

Good luck.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Monday, 20 January 2003 19:15 (twenty-three years ago)

I hope she gets out of this all safe. I'm so sorry that I don't have anything helpful to say.

― Maria (Maria), Monday, 20 January 2003 21:44 (twenty-three years ago)

I wish there was some advice I could offer, but unfortunately I can't think of anything that could be helpful or constructive. But like others have said, feel free to email me if you need to talk, etc.

― Nicole (Nicole), Monday, 20 January 2003 21:56 (twenty-three years ago)

Actually, dave q's advice sounds pretty realistic and makes a lot of sense. I mean, the core message is absolutely the right one - but obviously the biggest problem is getting that message through to her. Hope you can find a way.

― Kim (Kim), Monday, 20 January 2003 23:06 (twenty-three years ago)

Echoing Nicole and others here -- in lieu of what is really needed (and there have been some good posts already, I think), plenty of good thoughts sent here, e-mail if you would like.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 20 January 2003 23:12 (twenty-three years ago)

have a talk with her. gave her one of her favorite music cd's. all you have to i close to her if its that hard keep trying

― giovanni (blake), Monday, 20 January 2003 23:21 (twenty-three years ago)

I think in a situation as serious as this, someone must interevene forcefully... I consider myself reasonably liberal and live-and-let-live but this is a case of a child courting death, be it OD, AIDS or gang-related whatever. Foster care seems a far better alternative than just letting her carry on like this. If she were 18, that'd be different.

― Aaron A., Monday, 20 January 2003 23:22 (twenty-three years ago)

But foster care is an awful mess, having had friends who came up in such circumstances. And I suspect in this case it would be less likely to be foster care anyhow, than juvie hall.

― Amateurist (amateurist), Monday, 20 January 2003 23:23 (twenty-three years ago)

I didn't mean to sound callous there. My sympathies (and that's all I can really give, I have no sound advice), absolutely, for your situation.

― Amateurist (amateurist), Monday, 20 January 2003 23:24 (twenty-three years ago)

I am sorry to hear of this situation and hope some satisfying resolution is reached. Best of luck.

― sundar subramanian (sundar), Monday, 20 January 2003 23:31 (twenty-three years ago)

foster care is not a good option. have you been paying attention to the news lately about how fucked up our country's foster care system is? all that would probably do is make a girl like this more isolated and alienated.

I really have no advice for immediate measures. i would probably think some sort of rehab would be best but as her 19 yr old sister MW, you're not in a position to arrange this sort of thing.

Do you know any of her teachers? maybe you could find one of them who's sympathetic to the situation to discuss this with.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Monday, 20 January 2003 23:52 (twenty-three years ago)

I agree with you re: the state of foster care, but I was more trying to make the point that it's an urgent situation, one from which the 15 yr old should be extricated by almost any means.

I am probably biased by witnessing first hand the mid-90s Plano heroin epidemic that killed so many kids around her age. Maybe you were around for to this, too.

― Aaron A., Tuesday, 21 January 2003 00:20 (twenty-three years ago)

Foster care is not even remotely going to help your sister. While there may be some anecdotal evidence to the contrary, there just aren't very many good parents out there who are willing to take a 15 year old with drug problems into their family.

Rehab might help her, but I can tell you that it will only work if she really wants it to. Heroin and cocaine are very addictive, both physically and psychologically. Even if you convince your parents to put her into rehab forcibly, it will do no good whatsoever unless she wants to quit.

From what you said, it sounds as if she might wish that your mother was paying more attention to everything that she's doing. As cliched as that may sound.

I don't know if any of this will be of any help to you. So far, I think Dave's advice might be the best approach. Best wishes.

― , Tuesday, 21 January 2003 00:37 (twenty-three years ago)

My one experience of a situation similar to this was in 1995 and involved a friend of a friend,a young lady of 16,who liked hanging out with the local 'rude boys' in their Mercs and BMWs etc,taking speed and coke,getting into shoplifting,and even ram-raiding.She was on a self-destruction mission,it seemed,and telling her that this was all wrong just made her more determined to live the 'gangsta' life.I was visiting my pal,and he expressed his concerns that this girl,who he had known for many years,was going to end up in some sort of shite.I was so shocked to hear what she was up to,talk about not judging a book by it's cover.She was pretty and intelligent,not what I expected for a coke-fuelled car thief!For some reason,I managed to hit it off with her,much to the disapproval of her peers.At the time,I was living in a shared flat in the north-west of England,and with the approval of my flat mates,offered to let her come and live with me.A hasty move,but it worked,and she travelled the 300 miles with me to where I was living.My flatmates were real stars,they made a superb effort to make her feel wanted(real mates do these things!),and by pulling a few favours in,we got her into a job and a new circle of friends.She was caught a couple of times in the first few weeks trying to score some whizz,but we soon showed her that you CAN party and have a good time without pumping yourself full of chemicals.She stayed with us for six months,in which time I had many long heart-to-heart chats with her.Turns out she was sexually abused by BOTH her parents,and her older sister's boyfriend.It made me cry,I'm not ashamed to say.when she left,it was hard to imagine that it was the same person we had took in.She moved back to her home town,where she got a job in a swanky clothes store,and the last I heard from her,she was looking for a flat to move into with her boyfriend!Not a scumbag drug dealer,but an electrician!
I am not suggesting bundling your sister into the back of a Transit and shipping her off to the Scottish Islands,but is there anyone,family or friend,who would take her in,and lives far enough away to put her 'out of the loop' long enough to reform her way of life?It may seem like an impossible task,but as long as you and a few GOOD friends make the effort(and when it comes to family,you gotta make all the effort you can),amazing results can be acheived.It's a bit like fostering,but it gives you more control and influence over her immediate future.Don't give up on your sis,you obviously love her very much.All 15 year olds can be difficult,but they do take notice of what is said,even if they pretend they know better!I wish you all the love and luck that you're going to need,and hope that you get your sister back on the straight and narrow.

― Eugene Speed (Eugene Speed), Tuesday, 21 January 2003 02:01 (twenty-three years ago)

Also, I know you think that she doesn't look up to you as a role model, but 15 year olds do think that 19 year olds are cool. Do you have any friends who she might respect? Perhaps you could encourage her to hang out more with your friends, in lieu of her gang buddies.
Well, firstly, most of her friends are in their early to mid twenties, so she thinks I know less than all of them. Secondly, I don't have any friends, which is why she thinks I am a weirdo recluse. We've both found our own ways of escaping this awful town. I do it by staying online the majority of the day and just avoiding life. She does it by going to the city nearly every day, and when she can't, she just does as many drugs as possible to dull her senses. Part of the problem is this place itself. Especially with people her age, there just aren't a variety of people here. She looks down on everyone at her high school because they are stereotypical "preps" who are religious and conservative but still get drunk every weekend and snort coke. She started to seek out the opposite people, I guess, people she felt were "honest" and "real". Unfortunately, she views people with severe problems as being "real". She also hates white people. This is something she talks about constantly (and she has stopped considering herself white, and also has been taking great pains to learn Spanish so she can communicate with her friends more). It's a bit scary, she honestly is violently against the very existence of white upper middle class kids (but she IS one), and she actually lured an old "rich and white" friend of hers into the apartment complexes on the other side of town last year so that her friends could beat him up and take his money.
It's really heartbreaking to watch her, she has no conscience or anything. This has all happened in the past 3 years. Before that, she was a happy, helpful kid. She was always incredibly funny and she was really into the performing arts, and really focused on pursuing a singing career.
I don't know what pushed her towards this. She wasn't abused or troubled. She was happy. My mother raised her well, and at 12 years old my sister was the most mature and reasoned child you could meet.

but is there anyone,family or friend,who would take her in,and lives far enough away to put her 'out of the loop' long enough to reform her way of life?
My family is an island. It's just me, my sister, and my mother. There's no one else who could possibly help. I wish there was somewhere else for her to go. But there isn't.

― MW, Tuesday, 21 January 2003 02:54 (twenty-three years ago)

She snuck out her window again, even after I confronted her last night. So I locked her window. And her door (I have the only key). And I locked all the doors to the house.

Am I doing the right thing?

I want her to know that I'm watching now, and that she can't keep doing this with no consequences at all. I mean, for heaven's sake it's 4AM and she has school in less than 3 hours.

I know she goes out and snorts coke so she can stay awake all day in school, then she comes home and crashes and sleeps.

― MW, Tuesday, 21 January 2003 10:10 (twenty-three years ago)

You can't save her. Live your own life.

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Tuesday, 21 January 2003 10:24 (twenty-three years ago)

That's what she wants me to do. I can't.
I care too much.

― MW, Tuesday, 21 January 2003 10:26 (twenty-three years ago)

Then be someone worth admiring. Have a decent life and escape from your shit town without doing drugs and crimes. Be an example, because she's got more drughead tricks than you've got helpful suggestions.

(I have been there.)

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Tuesday, 21 January 2003 10:29 (twenty-three years ago)

eight years pass...

heartbreaking stuff - hope things turned out alright for MW. Kinda living this with my mother right now

The truth is you can't help people who don't want your help. No matter how much you think you know what they need to do, you can't convince them to do it unless they want to let you.

=the truth bomb that everyone has been telling me but there's a big difference between knowing this and accepting to let go.

― licorice oratorio (baaderonixx), Friday, 28 October 2011 10:10 (fourteen years ago)

truthbomb for the ages. sorry.

― the ghost-fisting is a one-off thing (darraghmac), Friday, 28 October 2011 10:13 (fourteen years ago)

sorry baaderonixx. my mother-in-law has been on-and-off with valium for years. last month she injured herself really badly in a fall while she was high and had to go to shock trauma. she's really wonderful when she goes straight for two weeks at a time, but she'll get upset about something and keep going back.

wasn't there a thread of this same title that's been active in the last couple years?

― rustic italian flatbread, Friday, 28 October 2011 11:01 (fourteen years ago)

something similar, yeah

― the ghost-fisting is a one-off thing (darraghmac), Friday, 28 October 2011 11:27 (fourteen years ago)

heh how helpful is that

― the ghost-fisting is a one-off thing (darraghmac), Friday, 28 October 2011 11:29 (fourteen years ago)

Dealing with alcoholics/addicts in the family.

― octavio paz de la huerta (c sharp major), Friday, 28 October 2011 11:30 (fourteen years ago)

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