Life: Search and Destroy

D: thesis

Destroy-Everything else.

Extra Special Search for today only-BEING ABOUT TO FINISH MY EXAMS AND HAVE 2 WEEKS OFF!

D - Uncertain future, money worries, extreme politics & tabloid journalism

Congrats Ronana

D - nooooooo future...

Destroy: Work day boredom, avoidance, mood swings, laziness, doubt.

S: Church of Me. Resonance 104.4 FM. Uncut. Wire (in a good month). Not having to buy CDs any more. Love and friendship from Nathalie here, Ruth and Jessica elsewhere; encouragement and support from Mark S, Paul L, Simon R and Paul M. Glasgow.

D: lack of financial security, Wheaton, impending lack of insurance, lupus, PCOS, Cushing's disease, waning relationship with family, College of DuPage, my utter lack of motivation to do anything at all, the stress my sister is causing me, constant lethargy, my mother's psychological and health problems, the fact that I have no friends that live close to me whatsoever, the fact that I've pinned all my hopes for happiness on one very improbable opportunity, those extra 80 lbs., the increasing improbability of ever having a romantic relationship, my fear of college, my hatred of the human race

D: Flu, money worries, too many friends being too far away, being lazy and unfit, other bits of family.

D: the fact that I've had a thesis hanging over my head for over a year, the lack of knowing if I'll graduate, the paralyzing fear I won't be able to defend it, dehydration due to caffeine addiction, various people-caused frustrations and worries, the fact that I can't tell someone that I'm praying for her because it might sound false, the complete inability to know where I'll be this time next year, the fact that I have no one and nothing to hold or to hold me when I feel lonely.

Destroy: Not feeling motivated to do something positive with my life, lack of finances, lack of independence, my chequered employment history, being constantly rejected for jobs that I know I could do on the grounds that I'm overqualified (that degree) and lack of relevant experience in that field, being lonely (and the flipside that I could quite enjoy my solitude as long as I dealt with some of my "issues" properly and not allow people into my life because I'm scared of change).

The "destroy" side is longer than the "search". Oh dear.

D: No money, about as popular with women as John Leslie, the continual crappingisation of Northampton Town.

destroy:
life changing health problems. dependence on others and guilt that ensues. isolation/sadness. finances. disillusionment with romantic relationships after a...erm...downshifted relationship, which might have to be broken off. all close friends/family being far away, local family generally being less than understanding about big stuff in my life. feeling like my 20s are slipping away. anything else that makes me cry.

Melissa W, are you at COD? i used to take classes there.

destroy: not being able to make my sister better. on bad days this more than cancels out the searches.

D: major best friend problems, unresolved past live issues physically and mentally, unresolved relationship uber-mess that is now going into its eigth year, just unresolvedness, never being able to go home-home, needing to find a healer due to kundalini whackness, PARKING TICKETS GALORE, needing to save for vcr/programs that are no longer present, the cost of screenwriting books, quickly approaching the age-frame which is no longer "late-teens-early-twenties" meaning there is no excuse for irresponsibility, jawb may not be enough as its just phone-marketing thing, living a life of immorality and decadence and sin, not having a regular sexual partner

D: Not much of a social life, Annoyed with the friends I do have, Sick of winter

D: innocents dying on the whim of the powerful, problems that can be fixed easily but aren't, diseases created for the purpose of "population control", people of power in general, women who toy with your emotions for entertainment purposes, sinus/inner-ear infections, Futurama not being on because of stupid American football, the "meat-market" vibe present in 99% of clubs, the fickle nature of man, traffic, people who dismiss my bands music as "rap/rock crap" before they've even heard it, monkeys on fire, the fickle nature of woman, chocolate givin' ya acne breakouts, y'know, the usual

Destroy: feeeeeeeear. and spots.

Destroy: another of my favorite bands breaking up; this rotten lingering cold and associated sinus problems; my recent car repair expenses and what these are doing to my savings; anxiety over wanting to get a regular job; my cravings for physical affection and these cravings' way of degenerating into anger and hostility.

Destroy - Pleasant job paying cack money, eternal need to buy records (thus using little money it does pay), not being paid to write, lack of motivation to write, the act of writing itself, perpetual fucking rain, not enough hours int eh day to do everything I wanna do, addiction to PE2 on the PS1, the girlfriend's depression, being 2 stones overweight and not as fast as I was when I was 15.

Destroy: unemployment, guilt trips from relatives, low self esteem, having to lose loved ones, boys who don't like you, street harassment, hangovers, clothes not fitting.

Destroy: the lady that interupts said vocal-run to bug me about some work-related bullshit that, no matter how hard I try to explain it, she JUST NEVER UNDERSTANDS

destroy: angst of every variety, only 24 hours in a day, having to leave my family next year, too much math. Also I finished The Two Towers first period this morning and I was like "ooh what happens to Sam, I love Sam!" and I found a copy of Return of the King in the school library because I couldn't wait until I got home, and what happens? It starts talking about Pippin and Gandalf! I don't want to hear about Pippin and Gandalf, I want to hear about SAM. In conclusion, DESTROY TOLKIEN.

Destroy: Dependence on money

D: the amount of progress that still needs to be made with Ginastera, weather = I can't bike, bus service to and from York, assorted personal bitternesses, not arranging anything more specific with her given the competition, the reel machine not working properly at work, general workload

Search: music. sensuality and feeling. empathy and concern. food and drink. good writing. style.

But god and the constitution said so, so it must be true. (Don't hit!)