Do you ever feel a victim of your own ambition?

I am sick of being told that everything I achieve is a result of me being naturally *gifted* rather than through efforts I have made myself (there’s a distinction there).

I was chastised at school if I got one question/sum wrong, whereas other children would be commended for a less successful end result. I am still experiencing this. Last week in a meeting with my boss he told me that he didn't think I was really pushing myself with my latest project. He had, of course, to say that I was still out-performing almost everyone else on the team.

I am frustrated by this and wonder why I should push myself when I can get along just fine without too much effort?

I think I was probably exactly where you are now Ronan, and now I'm not (more don't give a damny). And have succeeded because of it.

Yes, this is a halfway house for misunderstood genii. (is that the plural of genius, or is it greek not latin?) Or maybe misunderstood genies. The Jean Genie, etc...

I used to ded ambitious, to the point of ardently wanting to be Prime Minister. But now, very little desire or ambition in this direction. Kind of lost all sense of personal goals lately - mebbe it's fear of working hard and almost getting somewhere but failing at the last hurdle, and looking back and seeing the effort as a waste.

Instead, I believe cream rises to the top, and therefore, greatness will be thrust upon me, rather than me having to seek it out. Which is good, as it's a far less stressful way to succeed and requires less wurk.

This type of thing has always happened to me. At school - 'never works to his full capacity'. At work - 'should work with a greater intensity' (my last appraisal). I genuinely don't understand why I get this all the time - maybe I look as if I don't care? Maybe I keep running up against ultra-perceptive people who can see something in people that I can't see in myself. I FEEL like I have achieved lots *at the surface level that people like those who judge me would perceive*. (Let's leave aside deeper questions like happiness, fulfilment etc). I am well-qualified, I have a well-paid job, I have stuff like a good house in a good area. How did I get all this? Did it just fall into my lap? Was I born into money? I don't think so! How did this happen if I'm such a fucking slacker?

I've never had a masterplan, never shoved people aside, never been 'conventionally ambitious' - the only thing I can think of is that some people resent it if you get good exam results, produce better work (at work) than others etc, without seeking attention and making a noise about it.

I hope this doesn't make me sound arrogant.

It should be...

But then a friend of mine who's one of the cheeriest - and most talented - people I know has pushed and pushed to be a sitcom writer and seems finally to have managed it, so what do I know?

I think you're right Nick. Somehow throughout my life people usually think I should *want it* more, when I'm basically happy with what I have. I am comfortable with who I am and the way I work. I also do have some experience of what can happen when you, in my case, get pushed into a job which is ostensibly more 'successfgul' but not suitable for you. I was pursuaded to take a job with scary amounts of responsibility between 1997 and 2000, and it nearly finished me off. More money - but no life. I came out of it better off financially, but a total nervous wreck even though hardly anyone I know would regard me as a fragile type of person. So back to being an underachiever.

I wish I could say that I'm happy like this: and I guess I probably could if I hadn't been suffering from clinical depression for a few years.

BTW I am posting from home drunk so apologies if this makes no sense.

But you're right - there is something to be gained. I just don't think my bosses or my friends would see it that way.

Can someone answer my original question, about being ambitious without having actual ambitions.