Funerals

But uh, no -- definitely a dud. I was just at one a couple weeks ago.

Plan your funeral, and change it every year (man, to think in 1995 I wanted to go to Suede's The Next Life....) And start buying the fireworks now.

You see?

The Humanists are a non-religious organisation, so they dispensed entirely with the biblical platitudes and concentrated wholly on the individual instead. The whole ceremony, which was conducted relatively informally was a celebration of my uncle, the man. There were readings of his favourite poetry, playing of favourite records, reminiscences from friends and family - and it was okay to mention his negative points as well.

It was a celebration of the totality of human life, and a recognition that although the end is painful, a funeral does not have to be a dour and solemn occasion. It's the one time I've ever left a funeral feeling uplifted.

I have a will of sorts which isn't notarized but is saved on my desktop as the file "Click this if I'm dead," and mostly it's the explicit, I-will-haunt-you-forever-if-you-disobey-me, request that I not have a funeral, or wake, or whatever. And I don't want to be hanging out in someone's urn, either. Beyond that, I don't care what they do with the body. Shove a cattle prod up my ass and use me as a practical joke on necrophiles. Whatever.

(Most of the rest of the will is instructions as to how to get ahold of the people who would probably want to know I was dead, and so on. I put it together after being in the hospital and having the doctor tell me, every damn day, "Almost lost you there!" and realizing there'd be like dozens of people who would just think I'd abruptly become bored with them.)

Even better the second time around!

In my case, it was a Greek orthodox funeral; and you know, I really hate to admit it, but, goddamn, I can't think of a more 'goth' approach to a funeral I could ever attend than this one. It was so over-the-top that it ended up masking a lot of my sadness during the proceedings, and making me chuckle at times... in a very deep, dry way.

I've been to a grand total of eleven funerals in my life:

Two for my maternal grandparents (only had the one set)
Two for cousins (including one just two years my senior, who was gunned down by an abusive husband, who then killed himself)
Six for aunts/uncles
One for a great-grandmother whom I viewed as a grandmother (she helped raise my dad)

I don't want to think of planning my father's funeral, but I know the time will come sooner than I'd like to (i.e., preferring it to be when I'm 45 and have a family support system to lean on). Also would not find it surprising to end up going to two funerals in the next two years or so. Oh yes, and I'm 23, thanks for asking.

My paternal grandparents both died before I was born. Grandpa died when Dad was 15, and Grandma when Dad was 32. Sometimes when I think how I would have liked to have known them, I get a sad feeling akin to actually being there when they pass on.

Oh great. I feel depressed now.

Yes, then. You guys have been lucky, at least in regards to attending funerals. Funerals are miserable things to attend and you can't help but come away from them in a dark mood for a week or so. But I think I would've felt worse if I would have not attended those funerals, even the two I attended as a little girl (i.e., younger than 10). I would've felt as though I didn't give those people whom I loved a proper sendoff.

I really really hate open casket wakes.

Also, a few years ago I was talking with a black friend of mine who shook her head at white people's custom of having funerals within three days or so of the person's death. Black families, I am told, give family and friends and relatives more time to make arrangements for travel and time off work, etc. So what's up with that, and is it even true?

Wouldn't call it fun, but it wasn't scary, either....

In my experience, in fact, the funeral is the least unpleasant part of the whole death business. And, just afterwards, the meeting up and talking about the deceased - it's a good way of memorialising someone's life. I'm glad my parents didn't try to keep me from going to them when I was very young - even if I didn't really understand what was going on, I think it's necessary to have gone.

Certainly it is! Death doesn't have to be the end of someone's life, but a new beginning to their consciousness. Who knows what really happens when you die? Life (in all its forms) is meant to be celebrated: the things about the person that made you happy, cry, even argue. Funerals can be the place to do that, as well. The Irish break out the beer, sit, sing and talk about their deceased friend/relative/loved one: as long as the memories are strong, that person "lives" on.

I have only ever come away from 1 funeral where I felt happy. It was my Grandads, whom I loved dearly, but had held on for 5 years after my Nan had died & basically wished he was dead each day because he couldnt stand to be apart from her. I think it was a classic case of dying of a broken heart & I have to say that I was glad that he did. I miss him terribly, but that was nothing compared to how much he missed his wife, my Nan. I miss them both loads & I am sad that they wont be there to see me get married.

His funeral was way hard for me to deal with, cuz a lot of the people he shot up with were there, some of 'em weren't behaving anywhere near appropriately, and I was really close a few times to screaming out "YOU FUCKERS DID THIS TO HIM!", but I was able to keep my composure. Barely.

Not in my family. The last relative's wedding I went to, the food was potluck. I shit you not. Potato salad off of paper plates. I would have preferred a funeral -- no one would have been wearing blue polyester to a funeral.

Wrap me in a shawl, dig a hole, drop me in. Why is that not an easier option?!

Going to one of these shindigs in a couple of hours. My best friend's mother. Hey, did you know if you mix up the letters of 'funeral' you get 'real fun'?

You get ten points if you mention that in the eulogy.

i dislike open caskets

and if the departed is to be cremated then why do people bother with all the embalming and presentation? to make the body more flammable?

caskets usually left open overnight at the deceased's house before the funeral, where a serious drinking session then ensues.

is it at all appropriate to have an adult beverage at the memorial of an inveterate alcoholic?

can only speak for over here, but it's damn near mandatory.

It's what they would have wanted.

a great man for the dhrink

just feeling a bit morose after the service yesterday. he was a relative on my mother's side but one i had not seen in years -- partly because he had alienated a greater part of her family with his drinking. the service was in the funeral home itself, and though i've attended services in that setting before, it struck me as depressing this time, the most cursory of remembrances; a pre-recorded version of "on eagles wings" was piped through the sound system during a moment of reflection. all day no one spoke about his drinking, and how it ultimately killed him. the eulogy was full of faint praise; the sermon sensitive but generic.

i dunno, shit's got me way down today and i'm having trouble containing the melancholy.

only natural, really. Drinking yourself to death doesn't make for a joyous funeral.

No. But a person who drinks themselves to death is a person who's suffering from something, with varying degrees of fault or innocence w/r/t their reasons. To completely wipe out their struggle feels cheap and cardboard-y. I'm sorry, elms.

a pre-recorded version of "on eagles wings" was piped through the sound system during a moment of reflection

Man, that sounds horrible. I don't like open caskets either, btw.

I'm sorry Elmo.

Sometimes these things happen when arrangements are made "by committee" -- everyone just wants the event to be over and everyone defers to each other in the absence of any strong preferences, and you end up with some kind of bland medium way.

It doesn't define the person or his struggle or his legacy, though, you know that. Maybe some down-time is in order for you to do your own reflecting and processing?

xp yes, all true laurel, but it can be a hard thing for family and friends to address in the midst of everything else surrounding a funeral, and partic during the sermon or an eulogy- as many are going to castigate as commend any effort to acknowledge a problem like that.

thanks for your sympathy guys. like i said it's not as if we had been close but in any case my grief is taking on something of an existential tone.

and btw goddamn these uptight yankees and their lack of emotional vocabulary

Definitely, darra. Not arguing. Just...do you think it would make a difference in proceedings whether the goal was ignoring/denying the facts, or putting them on hold to sort through at a later date? Shrugs all 'round.

i don't know, stuff is hard.

I mean, we didnt have a eulogy for our mother. There was so much you felt couldn't be said for similar reasons as at elmo's funeral, and by the time she was gone there really wasn't much else left to talk about.

So, you just end up... Leaving it all out, i guess?

You and elmo and this kind of situation in general have all my sympathy.

I'm guessing, though, that the kind of dead air elmo has just sat through is a cold-blooded Yankee specialty. FEELINGS are to be kept behind closed doors, never speak ill, show a united and emotionless face to the outside world, etc. :-/ So you're not leaving it out for the "right" reasons, you're just...closing ranks in denying that there was anything to leave out at all.

rural catholic ireland, and four brothers at that, ticks most of those boxes alright.

yeah but i guess my perspective is that of the extended family, unfamiliar with the daily misery of his later life.

but for real, this is a "we don't talk about it" sort of family here; the deceased only learned after his mother's death that she was not in fact his mother; and that he was the son of the woman he had believed to be his oldest sister.

ok, that's high on the repression charts alright.

I have this one extremely cheesy family member and a huge extended family. Which means that someone in my gigantic family dies at least once a year. Which means that at least once a year I find myself either gritting my teeth or getting into a shouting match with said relative over the possibility of "On Eagle's Wings" being played at the service.

I had to have a private talk with other family members to please put pressure on this person to never suggest "Eagle's Wings" again, it's disrespectful to use the same old song at everyone's funeral.

I don't know this song or understand why it's popular for funerals. Should I youtbe it or will I be scarred for life?

You might be scarred for life learning that some people find it inspiring and beautiful even after hearing it 10,000 times.

So famous it has a Wikipedia entry: "On Eagles' Wings' is a devotional song composed by Michael Joncas, a Catholic Priest, in 1979 after Vatican Council II, when the Catholic Church began using vernacular hymns at Mass. Its words are loosely based on Psalm 91 and Isaiah 40:31. The song was then published by North American Liturgy Resources and was later purchased by New Dawn Music, a subsidiary of Oregon Catholic Press. It quickly proved to be quite popular as a contemplative song at Catholic Masses as well as at Protestant services; it is now sung in churches of many denominations including Pentecostal churches and was performed at many of the funerals of victims of September 11. It is often performed either at the beginning or the ending of a Roman Catholic Funeral Mass."

Used often at Catholic funerals, especially sparsely attended affairs where the deceased was really old and lonely, terminally ill, confined to a nursing home, etc.. I'm sure it meant something when it was still a new hymn but nowadays it just screams "thank god uncle so and so is out of his misery!"

I don't mean to hijack anyone's thread, I am one of the more sensitive people in my family and I get really upset when someone dies and the attitude is that some people's deaths are more important than others. I mean, someone drinking themselves to death is sad and tragic, everyone should be treated special at their memorial or funeral.

ms mac's gran passed away last night. not an overly sad affair, quick trip downhill after a short illness.

promises to be everything a rural catholic funeral should be, infighting over land, repressed family issues, guilt and a horshload of strong alcohol, strong tea and single ply ham sandwiches. There goes the weekend.

it's just party party party with you

I don't know how many Catholic funerals wrapped up with an argument over the deceased's estate. Either that or a close family member not sharing in your overwhelming grief. One side of my family just can't stand Irish people and half the time won't show up for the wake!

both sides of my family couldn't stand the other irish people involved, tbh

I can't believe how rude some people are...I say I miss so and so and all I hear is "he was a crazy no good bastard"...just because he didn't have piles of money to throw at everyone he is a bastard. I think they are like children and just can't deal.

How many ppl will show when y'all die?

(just wonderin from the buckie thread)

Between rushin to catch you beforehand (if possible), takin you home, wake, removal, funeral, burial jaysus i'd be hoping to hit the tonne anyway

If you go sudden you get more ime

At least half of my surviving relatives would drop by for my funeral. Anyone else showing up would be pure gravy.

my uncle died after stealing a bunch of money from my grandma after she had a stroke and could no longer keep track of her finances. i was sent a link to a video of his funeral. apparently video from all funerals at this place are publicly accessible, shot at the same camera angle. assembly line.

i want to be married in secret and buried in secret

one ceremony, two graves

I'm up home for my nans funeral tomorrow. first one Ive been to since a kid, first close one. not sure how to feel.

I know an old work colleague who is a serial funeral crasher. We call him the Grim Buffet Sweeper. Well, one of my old friends died this weekend and another old friend of mine is getting upset about the prospect of him turning up at this funeral, despite barely knowing him. I'm telling him to chill, it's just his way of dealing with his own mortality perhaps and I'm on the other side of his coin and definitely won't be showing up.

great nickname and yeah chilling is best advice

love funerals but obv we do em well over here

my mum has this disconcerting habit of taking pics of open coffins then showing them me without a trigger warning. It's definitely an Irish thing I think. I get panicky around corpses and churches tbh, but don't mind a pissup.

ah, see, no stiff, no stiff one is the rule

lol! in more ways than one tbh.

shit, I didn't intend to bring necrophilia jokes to this solemn occasion!

thought this would be a thread about a shit indie band

im declaring full disavowal of any tertiary entendre in my pun that's all on calz

Thinking about putting a Viking funeral request in my will. Can't do a real one but a cheap cremation and then floating me out into a pond and shooting flaming arrows at the urn is close enough.

My uncle had a humanist funeral with an open coffin, with him in his leather jacket + with a can of his favoured tennants super in his side pocket.

reminds me of this story last week

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-46475631

Open casket is just 'here, have a side of trauma to go with your grief' imo, ime.

I was gonna post that story to “kind of lol but mostly sad” but forgot xp