Mission Statements and other corporate crap

No, you need first to be a good leader.

The following year, I submitted "One Year After the Year of Excellence." My suggestion was ignored. Alas.

"Striking a balance between reward and recognition" = "can we pay you in compliments this year?"

Also, beware the Six Sigma black belts.

SOMEONE IN THIS PLACE IS GETTING PAID TO THINK UP THESE THINGS.

I got in trouble once for not doing a presentation in the approved Company Font.

the agricultural college nr ruyton-XI-towns has the WORST SLOGAN I EVER READ: sadly i have currently forgot it and only go to ruyton-XI-towns to take my mum's cat to cat-camp when mum and dad go on holiday

(Now he says "Touch my base, this is life.")

(like the first time i saw "all you can eat bar")

Hey, easy! Don't touch me there. Touch me here!

haha someone at the FAP told me the Arts Council wz going to change its name to AESTHETICA!! Bettah wd be "eXellenZ" I think.

Ontology Department
Epistemology Department
Division of Phenomenonolgy

Epistemology = "human resources" = hiring and firing
Ontology = accounts obv < / kneejerk marxism >

The term "all those good things".

Motivational speak like "Good work, batman" (I kid you not)

Your manager on his/her return from a Team Builing Skills course.

Having to wear a name badge because 'everyone's a customer' even though *everyone* knows my name already.

The dress code policy.

When will we ever learn that content is nothing and that formatting and the correct use of the logo is everything.

The punchline:

The well-paying corporate job I was actually offered in the end was not pursued through any agency; I found the listing on the internet and not holding out any hope that they'd hire me, I showed up for the interview in baggy black street clothes.

Cabbage mentioned 6-Sigma black belts upthread. So someone else has these tossers around the place! Oh Lord - what a sorry waste of a human life - just imagine the hopes and dreams that their loved ones had for them, only for it to end up like this - working on continuously improving the process for ordering biros!

It's the stupidest idea on earth. I think whoever came up with Six Sigma added the "black belt" to give martial arts allure to process improvement dullards. It did not work.

We have these where I work too. I blame Jack fuckin' Welch.

The mission of the University of California, Irvine Libraries is to enable library users to make maximum use of the information resources of the campus libraries.

I can live with that.

Neither are a fair few of the users.

ps bacon as a book-mark is OK with us

I'm sorry, Nicole and I will have to kill you now.

*sickening realisation that I have absorbed some of this bull crap*

Specific
Measurable
Accurate
Realistic
Timely

Get out, GET OUT!

But they're so yummy!

Fruit leather is less greasy and better for you, and fulfills the same function.

in the publishing dept we were not allowed to say: "we work very hard putting out a 120-page magazine full of words and pictures which they buy and read" — it wz all about what we said on the phone to ppl ringing up to ask if the sub-editor wz in charge of gallery news, and cd we write abt this guy's exhibition of komikal felt frogs

One of my projects this year will be a firm style book which among other things will address logo use. It's urgent and key! I'm not kidding in the slightest.

Thank you for taking 2 1/2 hours of your valuable time to make the most of this morning's proposals. The process of collaborative triage to make each project as strong as it can be, is working better now than ever. One point to remember: there are instances where we're using personal or family experience (a market of one person) as Evidence of Need for an entire first printing (a market of thousands), when we know we shouldn't do so. We need to make sure all our Evidence of Need is based on the need of a large number of customers, or the opinion of a well-informed buyer who represents a big chunk of the first print run. We need to find out what our customers want, and not think for them. Remember,

"I am not my customer."

There is a 'me' in 'team'.

I also have to provide technical support for their webcasts, so I sit through a lot of six-sigma NLP motivational psychology stuff. It amazes me that anyone can listen to it without wanting to laugh out loud.

This is a newspaper's Web site, but the statement said nothing about providing news or information

One of our senior managers recently gave me a Project Initiation Document (PID) for review. The project is about agreeing and implementing division-wide software standards. This 8 or 10 page document explained lots of things about the project, at great length. There was lots on how well the project would be managed and planned, using a particular project management methodology, and all that. My one substantial criticism was that it entirely failed to say ONE SINGLE WORD about what the project was for and what it was supposed to produce and achieve. This is typical of a lot of things wrong with our department, I think.

We have a divisional slogan. It's either "Turning Information Into Data" or "Turning Data Into Information", presumably whichever one the moron who wrote it thought was good. Obviously we don't do either. UCL as a whole has "Understanding the past, challenging the present, shaping the future" which isn't much better. Our division does have a mission statement as well, but I don't remember it. I think it was basically okay, albeit with plenty of bollocks management speak to obscure what sense was there.

http://www.quartzcity.net/~chris/images/demotivators-motivation.jpg

"big firm quality, small firm attention"

which at my old firm, really meant "big firm billables, small firm pay."

i don't work there anymore.

I been looking really hard but still haven't anything more irritating than an artist with a mission statement.

Oh, and our sales area mysteriously sprouted these strange signs the other week, hanging from the ceiling. They have acronyms, which is stupid enough - but they are completely unpronounceable, pointless clumps of letters! Like HGRRWFKL. And signs that say "people buy from people they like".

Marketing and sales people scare me. Theyre space aliens, right?

Once we got to do an even dumber version of it to find out what kind of animal we all were.

My boss loves this stuff.

have you looked at this using mozilla? when you mouseover the images they collapse and are replaced by text. looks most odd.

works fine in ie though 8)

we once did a website complete with complicated CM tool (using powerbuilder) which was very PC specific only to turn up on site to find that, because it was a university, all their machines were either unix or macs. luckily someone had their laptop with them.

we later replaced that tool with a web-based application but the programmers made it so IE6 specific that again you couldn't use anything but a windows pc.

andy

have you looked at this using mozilla? when you mouseover the images they collapse and are replaced by text. looks most odd.

I have tried not to look at it since I did it. The allegedly snazzy front page was designed by a colleague.

works fine in ie though 8)

As long as the staff at the Centre can see it...