Getting stuck into other people's business, good idea or not?

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I'm so furious, I could burst into tears. I just gave a colleague a lift home from a meeting we were both at, and it turns out, she lives next door to a friend of mine. I expressed surprise at this and told her I knew X well. She then proceeded to tell me awful gossipy things about this woman and was mean and judgemental about her. I knew for a fact, that what she was saying wasn't true and proceeded to tell her stuff in an effort to defend my mate, that now on reflection, I probably shouldn't have said. My friend has experienced the worst case of mental and emotional abuse that I've ever encountered. Her husband subjected her to a married life of hell and torture which she managed to get out of a year ago. She's still trying to rebuild her life and her husband continues to thwart and frustrate her every attempt at re-establishing her independence.

That's just a brief outline, the details are long and horrific. Anyway, it appears that my friend's neighbours have a totally wrong and warped opinion of her. Her ex husband has been going around informing all the neighbours that he was the wronged party and that she's mad and makes things up about him. Part of his abusive treatment of her was that he kept her away from neighbours and friends and she has very few relationships as a result. She is the kindest, gentlest, most forgiving person you could ever meet and I'm so hurt and enraged on her behalf.

What do I do? Do I tell her what I've learnt and the opinion her neighbours wrongly have of her? Do I set about trying to undo her neighbours' misinformed opinions in an effort to win her some solidarity and support? Do I kill her shit of a husband or do I do nothing at all? She's quite fragile so I'm not sure if she could cope with knowing how her neighbours view her but having said that, it might give her some resolve to fight back against someone who's wrecked her life. It might also go some way to explain why she's been abandoned and ignored by those around her.

I don't fucking know what to do I'm so angry. I don't think I can even express myself sufficiently clearly at this point because of blind rage. Am I over-reacting, what would you do? Suggestions please coz at this point, I just want to kill.

― Tatyana, Friday, 21 February 2003 18:28 (twenty-three years ago)

I think she deserves to know if her neighbors have been told lies about her. Telling her also keeps you from getting involved: if you let her know -- without naming names or getting specific -- that the people around her have been manipulated against her, she can make her own decisions about how to deal with both them and (more importantly) the person doing the manipulating.

Other than that, the most you can do is tell your colleague that, in your opinion, she's been misinformed, and leave it at that.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 21 February 2003 19:39 (twenty-three years ago)

Thanks Nabisco, you're probably right but I have to think long and hard about telling her. I've calmed down a bit and now that I'm a little clearer, I'm not so sure if she could cope with knowing about this just yet. She's incredibly vulnerable and fragile at the moment.

― Tatyana, Friday, 21 February 2003 21:09 (twenty-three years ago)

I'm not sure if I'd tell her... nothing is worse for the confidence than being told your neighbours think you are weird.

Maybe your saying to her neighbour that her information is false might filter through to the other neighbours.

Anyway, what does it matter what someone's neighbours think? fuck them if they're so easily taken in.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Saturday, 22 February 2003 14:21 (twenty-three years ago)

This post is so close home that I can't even begin to comment. I'm so sorry, Tatyana.

When I was in that situation, I would have wanted to know. It would have helped me heal a whole lot quicker and cleaner and saved me a whole lot of agony if people hadn't just kept quiet to protect me and/or my abusive ex.

There's a sense of powerlessness involved that makes you so angry. But in the end, knowledge = power, you're better off telling her, being there to support her. But to respond to crap like that, dignifying it with a response, makes things worse. You can defend her, you can say "that's not my experience of her" but basically, she needs to moral high ground and the good will out. The moment you respond - even if you're only trying to defend yerself, it makes you as bad as they are.

I'm really sorry and I wish you both strength.

― kate, Saturday, 22 February 2003 15:46 (twenty-three years ago)

A guy I've started talking to recently told me the other night, reluctantly, that "word on the street" about me was not too good. Apparently my ex and his close friends are saying awful things about me to anyone who will listen. This guy was smart enough not to believe everything he hears but had still been hesitant to get to know me. He said he was surprised by how nice and normal I turned out to be. (!)

I have to say that after hearing this I was nearly plunged back into depression. I've closed doors on this relationship, not without some effort, and to be brought back to the point of feeling traumatized, again, was not something I wanted. So you may be right in not telling her.

But I am glad to now know who are my real friends and who are two-faced simpletons. . .

― That Girl (thatgirl), Saturday, 22 February 2003 18:12 (twenty-three years ago)

Spreading lies and destroying reputations is a control tactic that abusive partners use to distance their lovers from their friends and therefore control them. The way to break that control is to be aware of it.

― kate, Saturday, 22 February 2003 18:32 (twenty-three years ago)

After telling her what has been going on, you should kill him- don't let her do it herself as the cops will sniff that one out easy.

I suggest the backseat of his car with piano wire on a Saturday night (make sure you have an alibi - get a friend who works at a club to stamp your hand)

― Millar (Millar), Saturday, 22 February 2003 18:39 (twenty-three years ago)

This story just gets worse and the guy deserves a good fucking kicking. I just spoke to her and following what she's just told me, I didn't have the heart to tell her it's even worse than she thought. He's a well-known professor in academic circles around these parts and I believe, solely because of his position, he's had what was meant to be an independent social report (concerning child custody) come down heavily on his side. Her worst nightmare has been realised and they've been awarded joint custody of their kids. She's devastated and teetering on the brink. The guy lied profusely and competently to get this court judgement. She is living on a shoe string and receiving legal aid. She's been warned by her own legal team that they will abandon her if she refuses to comply with the order and I don't know what to do for her anymore.

He's the biggest wank stain I've ever come across and I'm seriously considering tarnishing his much-prized reputation. Would there be negative implications for me if I injected a bit of shit about him into his university circle? Oh fuck it, I don't care. Well, not at this point.

― Tatyana, Saturday, 22 February 2003 18:47 (twenty-three years ago)

Seriously, piano wire, wear some very tough work gloves and wrap it three or four times around each palm, over the head, pull it tight below the chin and hang on for dear life, shouldn't take more than a minute and a half

― Millar (Millar), Saturday, 22 February 2003 18:53 (twenty-three years ago)

I wasn't suggesting not telling her at all (therefore keeping her in the dark) but maybe waiting till she's more stable herself. If she's still suffering b/c of this creep why make it worse by piling on more bad news? Besides, fuck people who believe gossip and rumors. Be her friend and get her out into better circles of people.

The best way to deal with the past is to walk away.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Sunday, 23 February 2003 01:13 (twenty-three years ago)

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