Crappy Movie Previews

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I like previews for crappy movies, because they give me the joy of seeing what horrible, mindless films exist without actually having to see the films themselves.

Last night I saw the preview for the new Chris Rock movie, "Head of State," with Bernie Mac, where Rock is president for some reason. So far, so good. But the entire commercial consisted of old white people singing "Hot in Herre." Chris Rock is leading them, but when he says "The roof is on fire," the old people panic, thinking the roof is really on fire. Ok, first of all, why is white people liking rap music still "funny?" Second of all, this is the same poor black dude in the middle of rich white world movie as "Down to Earth." Chris Rock, what's wrong with you.

In a very similar vein, they've been showing commercials for the new Steve Martin movie, which I can't remember the name of, where he starts dating Queen Latifah or something. Scenes of Martin in gangsta clothes. Eugene Levy is in it too. This one especially pains me, since I am a big Steve Martin fan but apparently he doesn't give a shit about anything but making more money to buy more art anymore.

So apparently, the "white/black people are so CCCRRAAAZZZYYY!" movie is big this season. What shitty previews have you seen lately?

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 15:27 (twenty-three years ago)

Seriously, what is Steve Martin thinking? That preview gets a cringe factory of 10. The scary thing is that if he really wanted to make money he WOULDN'T make a movie like this... I think he's trying to be profound. Wasn't one Bulworth enough?

(I haven't seen the preview for the Chris Rock movie yet but I can't wait!)

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 15:44 (twenty-three years ago)

They're both horrid. I keep expecting someone to be shouting "You so crazy!" in one of these preveiews.

― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 15:48 (twenty-three years ago)

Previews in general dismay me right now, cause this is traditionally the time of year when the studios release the movies they're not confident of (that doesn't always mean they're bad, but you know what I mean: it's the whole "this one isn't good enough for the summer or holiday season" thing). So I always end up seeing movies cause I liked the preview, and then they suck.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 15:50 (twenty-three years ago)

The Steve Martin movie is called Bringing Down The House. Talking Heads are to blame, that much is clear.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 16:09 (twenty-three years ago)

there was a movie called Extreme Ops that had one of the most amazingly horrific trailers that i've ever seen.

― gygax! (gygax!), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 16:10 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh yeah, I think I saw that one too...something about snowboarders and terrorists or something like that?

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 16:19 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh, by the way, "Boat Trip" never materialized in US theaters as far as I could tell.

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 16:20 (twenty-three years ago)

It's coming: I saw the ad for it last night.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 16:20 (twenty-three years ago)

did anyone see Black Knight with Martin 'look i'm telling ya i used to be funny once, fo'real!' Lawrence? i think he went back into medieval England past and taught all the knights how to speak jive and do the electric boogaloo or something, y'know, funny culturally observant stuff...the daftest thing was they had to make his love interest - English rose princess - black as well, presumably because it wouldve offended too many people otherwise?!?!?!! the mind boggles it really does.

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 16:24 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh, I saw the Boat Trip preview like 2 months ago, so I guess they were trying to "build anticipation."

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 17:04 (twenty-three years ago)

I just was the one for Jack English or John english or whatever it's called. Blurrrgggh.

― Graham (graham), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 17:07 (twenty-three years ago)

What's that, Graham?

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 17:12 (twenty-three years ago)

Spy spoof with Mr Bean.

― Graham (graham), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 17:13 (twenty-three years ago)

Johnny English. Unfortunately not a film about the shop on Green Lanes which were Vnedors of Potatoes and Melons to you, the people at wholesale prices - but instead a spin-off of the quarter dimensional character from the Barclaycard ads.

Because what the world, needs now, is more spoof spy movies (they're the only thing, that there is just too little of).

― Pete (Pete), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 17:24 (twenty-three years ago)

That new movie with that little ugly Malcolm kid in it. Cody Shithead: Teenage Spy or something.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 17:27 (twenty-three years ago)

Do you think they called the movie "Bringing Down the House" because they were worried that "Burning Down the House" would be controversial? It's like when they called that movie "Say It Isn't So." Some honcho probably thought "Say It Ain't So" would attract flak from english teachers or something.

― slutsky (slutsky), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 17:46 (twenty-three years ago)

The Martin/Latifah movie looks dire. Sucks, too, cos that's a genius pairing for a romcom.

(while I'm on the topic, Monster's Ball wasn't very good)

― g.cannon (gcannon), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 17:56 (twenty-three years ago)

They should remake Bringing Down the House with Steve Martin as the CRAZY black woman and Queen Latifah as the uptight white dude.

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 19:22 (twenty-three years ago)

They should remake Bringing Down the House with Steve Martin as the CRAZY black woman

You're thinking of Ted Danson?

*cough*, sorry!

― Ernest P. (ernestp), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 20:20 (twenty-three years ago)

I finally saw a TV ad for Boat Trip (which means it will be in theaters soon). The commercial didn't have nearly as many stereotype jokes as I imagined it would.

― Vinnie (vprabhu), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 21:54 (twenty-three years ago)

Haha, believe me, the movie has them all.

― Wintermute (Wintermute), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 21:57 (twenty-three years ago)

Yup that Malcome kid movie looks HORRID. He's so not attractive, not even cute for a young guy.

― Sarah Hotnights (coco), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 14:58 (twenty-three years ago)

oh boy, saw the preview for Boat Trip about 15 times last night. What a piece of shit. Cuba Gooding Jr. has really gone downhill since winning that Oscar. "Hey we are going to make a movie about a gay cruise, who should we call? What about that black guy from Snow Dogs, he's hard up."

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 15:06 (twenty-three years ago)

Two words: THE CORE.

― Bryan (Bryan), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 15:08 (twenty-three years ago)

If I recall is that the Hillary "oscar" Swank new film?

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 15:09 (twenty-three years ago)

Pop quiz: what links The Mothman Prophecies and The Last Castle? No resorting to IMDB!

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 15:14 (twenty-three years ago)

Yup. Poor D.J. Qualls plays a character named Rat. What links The Mothman Prophecies and The Last Castle? That they suck ass?

― Bryan (Bryan), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 15:16 (twenty-three years ago)

OK, I go to Bl*ckb*ster too often, but there's a video there of a movie, presumably direct-to-video, called "Chilly Dogs." It's about snow dogs, and it stars Skeet Ulrich, who was formerly in shitty movie Chill Factor with Cuba Gooding, Jr., star of Snow Dogs. Do you think that on the set of Chill Factor, they were brainstorming on movie ideas, came up with the snow dog concept, but then had a falling out, leading to a mad race by each actor to complete their snow dog opus before the other could beat them to the theaters?

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 15:17 (twenty-three years ago)

HA! NIck A = ON THE MONEY! SHOw me the MOney!

― Sarah McLusky-Hotnights (coco), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 15:19 (twenty-three years ago)

The Tuxedo. 'nuff said.

― Minky Starshine (Minky Starshine), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 15:30 (twenty-three years ago)

Sorry, Andrew. That wasn't funny. I resorted to IMDb and still couldn't figure out the connection, unless I was right the first time.

― Bryan (Bryan), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 15:31 (twenty-three years ago)

There was once a great little indie film called You Can Count On Me, which was just a quiet story with two great performances by Mark Ruffalo and Laura Linney. It was a modest success, and cost feck all to make. The next two films they made after that were The Mothman Prophecies (Linney) and The Last Castle (Ruffalo). Which do both suck ass.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 15:43 (twenty-three years ago)

Poor Laura Linney. I'm somewhat amused and saddened by the universally scathing reviews for her new movie, The Life of David Gale, including this one by Ebert, in which he says:

...this movie is about as corrupt, intellectually bankrupt and morally dishonest as it could possibly be without David Gale actually hiring himself out as a joker at the court of Saddam Hussein.

His rating was ZERO STARS. Ouch. And while we're at it, what the hell happened to Kevin Spacey? And Anthony Hopkins? And...and...sigh.

― Ernest P. (ernestp), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 16:09 (twenty-three years ago)

I'm thinking of going to see The Recruit this evening. I though it may provide some mindless diversion but the reviews have been fairly scathing. Should I go? Or would Daredevil server better as mindless diversion?

― Minky Starshine (Minky Starshine), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 18:59 (twenty-three years ago)

In related news, I quite liked "You Can Count On Me". Three cheers for quiet little indie films!

― Minky Starshine (Minky Starshine), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 19:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I remember when Bring The Pain came out and I thought (gee, the wit of Richard Pryor without the self-debasement and shitty movies). What kills me about his movie choices (dude, Seinfeld realized he's not an actor and didn't go Hollywood. LEARN!) is that he doesn't even have CRACK as an excuse for the best of my knowledge. Seriously depressing stuff.

That said, I fucking love Pootie Tang, for all its weaknesses.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 19:05 (twenty-three years ago)

wa da tai

the Daredevil trailer is off-putting in the extreme (whenever i see it i think "king of boston chin-butt victory" - hanle y what immortal hand or eye / can frame thy phraseology?)

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 19:19 (twenty-three years ago)

>>His rating was ZERO STARS.<<

Wow. As a rule, any movie this fantastically bad must be good (see; Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas).

-
Alan

― Alan Conceicao, Wednesday, 5 March 2003 19:30 (twenty-three years ago)

What about that new Tommy Lee Jones/Benicio DelToro flick. The Hunted or something, that actually looks decent. Although I liked it better when it was called Rambo.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 19:33 (twenty-three years ago)

Can I just repeat what Bryan said.... "THE CORE!!!!"

Holy crap that looks like a load of holy crap. Any movie that seems convoluted in the TRAILER has to be awful. Um, there's this machine that makes earthquakes but something goes horribly wrong and it's somehow in the earth so the govt has to send a bunch of people to go get it with the memorable dialogue -- "how much would it cost to get this machine into to the earth?" "(laughs) 15 billion dollars" "Will you take a check?" -- but geez didn't we get enough disaster movies a few years ago?

Anyway, Hilary Swank fire thy agent.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Thursday, 6 March 2003 16:20 (twenty-three years ago)

What about that new Tommy Lee Jones/Benicio DelToro flick. The Hunted or something, that actually looks decent. Although I liked it better when it was called Rambo.

Oh yeah, I guess the story is that the movie has been done for ages (filmed just after Benicio Del Toro finished Traffic) but because it's so horrible and the whole soldier gone AWOL thing doesn't jive with the U.S. going to war the studio kept pushing it back. That's what I read anyway.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Thursday, 6 March 2003 16:22 (twenty-three years ago)

I saw the Boat Trip tv ad last night, they've definitely toned it down from the movie preview. I might have to go see this.

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Thursday, 6 March 2003 16:23 (twenty-three years ago)

Thing about The Core is apparently it's the best depiction of actual scientists in a major movie in some time (unless you count A Oscar-Fodder Mind, which I don't). Too bad it's been saddled with everything else.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 6 March 2003 17:16 (twenty-three years ago)

It's 'Armageddon', but inside the Earth instead of outside. It'll probably be a huge hit.

― Bryan (Bryan), Thursday, 6 March 2003 17:19 (twenty-three years ago)

I like Stanley Tucci's look in that movie. From the trailers, anyway.

― slutsky (slutsky), Thursday, 6 March 2003 17:47 (twenty-three years ago)

Hasn't The Core's release been postponed due to the Columbia disaster?

― Minky Starshine (Minky Starshine), Thursday, 6 March 2003 17:55 (twenty-three years ago)

More like "Hilary Swank & Aaron Eckhart & Stanley Tucci & every other character-type art-house-lovin' actor worth a damn CASH THAT PAYCHECK! so you can afford to make movies that won't pay you jacksquat."

Still doesn't explain Cuba, tho.

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 6 March 2003 21:11 (twenty-three years ago)

Is The Core a remake? Because I swear I've seen a movie with that exact plot.

― Melissa W (Melissa W), Thursday, 6 March 2003 22:05 (twenty-three years ago)

Yes, Buffalo 66.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 6 March 2003 22:06 (twenty-three years ago)

har

― slutsky (slutsky), Thursday, 6 March 2003 22:35 (twenty-three years ago)

apparently bringing down the house made close to $32 million in america this weekend.

in related news, kill me now.

― mark p (Mark P), Sunday, 9 March 2003 19:50 (twenty-three years ago)

no...way.......

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Sunday, 9 March 2003 19:59 (twenty-three years ago)

Saw three of the most godawful trailers w/ 'Adaptation' today - 'Charlie's Angels 2', some dimwitted FBI flick w/ Pacino, and most woeful of all, the new Pierce Brosnan tearjerker, abt an Irishman who struggles to get his daughter out of some awful borstal or something, based on a true story and w/ a full-fat performance from Alan Bates as a gruff, bearded, twinkling wise old lawyer.

― Andrew L (Andrew L), Sunday, 9 March 2003 20:54 (twenty-three years ago)

But Andrew, what about Bulletproof Monk? That looked a winner to me! Chow Yun Fat, after all!

Also, I thought the Charlie's Angels II trailer was a good one, though I have no intention of seeing the stupid film.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 9 March 2003 21:44 (twenty-three years ago)

two weeks pass...

I believe Dave Q mentioned recently that whenever he thought things couldn't get any more dispiriting, they did.

Meet Malibu's Most Wanted.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Monday, 24 March 2003 23:14 (twenty-three years ago)

The worst part is that the Steve Martin movie (which I laughed at when previewed, for reasons other than the writer/producer had intended) was #1 at the box office for a couple of weeks.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 24 March 2003 23:21 (twenty-three years ago)

http://malibusmostwanted.warnerbros.com/assets/gallery/14.jpg

I went to high school with the dude on the right!

― Nate Patrin (Nate Patrin), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 00:55 (twenty-three years ago)

two months pass...

There's a film called Jet Lag, about two strangers stuck in the same hotel room during an airline strike. I'm prepared to believe it's a good film, particularly since it stars Jean Reno and Juliette Binoche, but the US trailer makes it look like the worst film ever. Partly due to voiceover man.

"The battle of the sexes just got a whole lot sexier"

Much better voiceover trailer: http://www.apple.com/trailers/miramax/comedian.html

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 12 June 2003 19:10 (twenty-two years ago)

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