How Crap Adverts Ought To Go

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I thought this script up while I was lying in bed early this morning. If anyone else has any further ideas for other horrible adverts, post them here.

ROUNDABOUT – EXT – DAY

A SUEDEHEADED man is standing in front of his broken down car on a roundabout, desperately trying to get it going again. A van with 3 people in, the driver being a RAT FACED TWAT, pulls up beside him.

RAT FACED TWAT: Hey, do you need help?

SUEDEHEAD: Why, yes...

RAT FACED TWAT: Then join the AA! Hahahahahahahahah!

The RAT FACED TWAT’s companions laugh noisily in unison. Just as they are about to drive off, the SUEDEHEAD’s arm transmutates, Tetsuo-style, into a huge gun. He blasts the RAT FACED TWAT’s head into bloody smithereens, which cover the other two people in the van. They start hysterically screaming, their simple day out of driving up and down this A-road in the hope of finding stricken motorists so they can belittle them turned into a day of unimaginable horror. The SUEDEHEAD’s arm then transmutates into a big knife, and he slowly opens the driver’s door and climbs in to finish them off.

CUT TO:

CAPTION & VOICEOVER: The AA – We’re Excellent, Man!

― Chriddof (Chriddof), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 11:57 (twenty-three years ago)

after the watershed i sincerely hope

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 11:59 (twenty-three years ago)

I knew this would be the work of Chriddof...

― j0e (j0e), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 12:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Do people really think that ad will make kids join the AA?

"Thought I'd save the money and buy these crap jeans. Which, as a crap 25 year old I now beliee are thoroughly ruined because they have a bit of grease on them. Curse me for my feckless teenage ways."

― Pete (Pete), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 12:02 (twenty-three years ago)

Crap, yes, but better than the embittered insurance-wrangling couple series. Although this one does involve Shouting At People Out Of Cars (Sometimes Insults) TM, so is evidently the work of the devil.

Once again: nasty advertising strategies - better than merely 'Washes whiter' pseudoscience, worse, or just different?

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 12:08 (twenty-three years ago)

pitch for new KFC ad in UK:

AVERAGE SMALL KFC HIGH STREET OUTLET - NIGHT

A balding middle-aged loner, a pram-faced council estate bint in sports casual with young daughter on a leash and a teenager in Wu-Wear are being served their 100% Unreal chicken-based product. We are viewing this on the restaurant's CCTV camera. Suddenly a deranged transient resembling Catweasel bounds into the shop taking everyone by surprise

Catweasel: "Warrrrrrrrrrrr! Whatisthis - whatplaceofman?! I do not have all the numbers! I need ALL the numbers! Where are the other places?!?!

Bemused member of KFC staff: Ah yes Sir, we can take care of that for you - if you'll just wait outside ple -

(the assistant is interrupted by the transient lunatic)

Catweasel: "Oooohhhhhhh, outside e shez, outside places! Numbers outnumbered, numb outside yes? WHAT. ABOUT. THE. BIG. BOYS?!?!

(The two KFC staff look at each other nervously. The other customers have all ran out in a panic but are peering through the window outside as the Catweasel guy lurches towards the staff)

Assistant#1: Like I said, we can sort you out, but now is not the time to...

Catweasel: Yurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Assitant#1: ...time to er, well, you...you're upsetting the other customers Sir...

cut to flashy graphics montage of succulent chicken-based products, glistening soda and potato scrapings in cheap flimsy cardboard boxes and a chessy American narrator yelling 'An unbelievable chicken experience at your local FKC beeyatch!'

final shot is of Catweasel clutching a Zinger Tower burger, doing a strange jig and waving a sign saying 'I AM A NUMBER' triumphantly

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 12:14 (twenty-three years ago)

Actually I just wish that the person who owns that record shop in the current KFC one would burst in and sack the twatty shop monkeys for not opening to customers and getting DISGUSTING KFC grease all over his vinyl. That ad is beyond belief.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 12:20 (twenty-three years ago)

I do love the way that Colonel Sanders is now a funk-lovin', jive-talkin' DUDE rather than a hard-nosed racist that ran his empire with an iron fist

― j0e (j0e), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 12:21 (twenty-three years ago)

the funny thing about that current KFC ad is the guy waiting outside looks just like Moby in the 'Honey' video but of course old Mobe-chops is famously a vegan and probably had a little cry when he found out KFC were using him as a model for their average customer

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 12:23 (twenty-three years ago)

Moby is not a vegan anymore. His line was life is too short (especially for all the tasty animals I am about to eat).

― Pete (Pete), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 12:30 (twenty-three years ago)

really? well shut my mouth...next he will take up Satanism and form a fascist militia...

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 12:37 (twenty-three years ago)

Pete are you lying again? Tsk tsk.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 12:39 (twenty-three years ago)

BARAN LIE ALERT. Last time I saw Moby, it was all about how he had to stay at the Hempel because it was the closest hotel to Planet Organic!

― suzy (suzy), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 12:41 (twenty-three years ago)

B-b-but look:

Vegan picks Lamb.

― Pete (Pete), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 13:42 (twenty-three years ago)

It's still a lie because 18 wasn't a hit album. Or was it?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 13:48 (twenty-three years ago)

Can the bloke in that sauce advert where the woman is talking in a very sneery way on the phone, saying "If I'm still alive" and the like, actually poison her?

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 18:51 (twenty-three years ago)

six years pass...

yes he can.

Anyhow, what about the one that's supposed to be "Sex and the City"?

"ooh, it was all hard. You know, Bowel.. stuff.."

"WHAT, YOU MEAN SHIT?"

― Mark G, Thursday, 25 June 2009 11:37 (seventeen years ago)

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