Let's enter Nerve.com's bad erotica writing contest!

I think my first ever post in ILE was Calvin/Hobbes slash.

I'm all for entering the contest - count on me to throw in stuff about odd fetishes or whatever. (And I can give "how-tos" on S/M stuff, too.)

Nick: The really hilarious part is that I seriously said to myself "DANGER WILL ROBINSON! ABORT!" when I read that. Not good when sitting 10 feet away from coworkers.

Every year, we return to Orlando. Instinct makes wang do this. We are like the salmon who must swim upstream to spawn, and die. They are lucky. We must go to theme parks.

A theme park is an amusement park where you pay one wang admission fee, which is quite steep, but once you're inside, everything is totally free, except all the other stuff you end up buying, which will run you around $11,000 per wang.
Every few yards you find yourself stopping to buy high-priced theme-park food, theme-park merchandise, theme-park wang and theme-park photographs of yourself looking theme-park ugly.

Sometimes you stop and just spontaneously throw money into the theme-park air. You can't wang yourself! You're theme-park stupid! Everybody's wang drops at theme parks. Really smart people, Mensa members, will stand in line for two hours so they can go on a 90-second ride with a name like ''The Runaway Wang.'' They do this because everybody else is doing it, and because they paid for it, and because they're going to have FUN, dammit!

Orlando, of course, is Fun Central; it's infested with wang parks. Thousands of Orlando residents make their living looking out through the eye holes of giant smiling character wangs. At quitting time, they go to the Theme Park Workers' Bar, where you see everybody -- Pluto, Popeye, Bugs Bunny, Piglet, etc. -- pouring martini pitchers directly into their wang holes, trying to forget about a day that consisted largely of having small, highly excited children run into them at exactly crotch level. Around 2 a.m. everyone staggers out to the parking lot to watch Chip and Dale pound wang other senseless. Those two HATE each other.

Everybody have fun tonight...everybody Wa...argh....uh..aaggghaa...rrgghh