adult children of divorce

I say even if you aren't that close, do keep in touch - he's a part of your life and your memories - one day you might be glad he's around, if only peripherally.

can't possibly imagine maintaining any sort of relationship with him, and yet i can't shake the fact that cutting him out of my life would be, well, wrong

If he's the Wonder Years kind of guy, he might not assume you'll want to stay in touch with him, so even though you may not be able to go all emo and be like "friends forever, bracelet buddy!", you might want to make it clear that you don't intend to cut him out, and -- since you're not distressed about the divorce itself -- don't think he's an evil troll or anything, and so on. By whatever means are appropriate for however things are between you two. Hell, I even had to do that with my parents, and they divorced when I was in 8th grade, so.

i wish i had the nerve to have such a conversation with my father, though our situation is kind of different

on the one hand, I didn't like him. on the other hand, he was a really important person in my life and had introduced me to Honky Tonk Heroes and let me keep Playboys we found in hotel rooms on road-trips without telling my mom.

I still feel like I'd like to tell him that I appreciate how hard he tried with us boys, esp. when we'd bug him about being a Vietnam vet or about the semi-stupid stuff he'd say. he was a pretty good guy except for the whole dumping-my-mom thing. but I got into guy-mode really quick about it: I don't care whatever no big deal nevermind I'm aight.

and jess, I feel your pain about this. hugz! < /moron>

and I didn't really mean "shave and drive a stick" above, I meant "shave, and also drive a manual transmission automobile". There was no shaving of sticks thank you VERY much.

I apologize for interrupting a serious thread but I love this typo. Plz. carry on.

a friend had a theory that only children of broken marriages are a subset unto themselves

it is true that i am a unique flower, but i am unsure of her general premise

no mang are an atoll

are you sure?

that subset thing sounds more like a proclamation than a theory.

probably true, though perhaps a kernel of something.

i wonder which is ultimately more influential? on my experience it was the lack of siblings rather than lack of biodaddy

yeah I think lack of siblings does far more for the oddness of the psyche, but I wouldn't know the other end of it

I have a bunch of siblings if anyone wants to borrow some for a while. They're all cool.

x-post - Yeah, same here.

I often wonder what I would be like had I had siblings and also how my life would be different now.

my wife's siblings are all showbiz

hahahahaha

see that's the cool thing being an only child you get to be both the showbiz and the beef

being an only child with split-up parents, however, seems like it should make you the Ray

beef is about right. at least i'm not the téodor

surprise!

Aw, I'm sorry, dude.

o shi

yeah, thanks.

tho if i had known how productive and how thoroughly i'd clean my house in the wake of this news, i'd have had my mom drop it on me during midterms

Oh Evs, what a shit thing. How you doing?

Oh xp you kind of answered that question.

(btw to the handful of ppl that know me and á, please don't mention to her that you heard it on the internet, or even heard it at all. i don't mind posting about it on the internet, but still)

Aw, sorry -- here's hoping it's a peaceful and easy one.

Also, this might sound a bit too silver-lining, but the whole renegotiation of relationships that happens can actually work out for the better -- like winding up with a much more adult relationship with each of them than you otherwise might have had.

Haha that can kinda be contingent on some kinda awkward moments and unnecessary information in the meantime, but still.

that's what i'm hoping for, but there are certain things that are making me think that peaceful and easy might be a stretch

plus my mom basically can't work or drive, and her whole family is in another country, etc.

It'll be alright dude. Same thing with my parents a few years ago, things will settle and begin to feel normal with time. I wish I could offer greater words of wisdom but I'm hung over and didn't get nearly enough sleep and wheels not turnin etc.

On the + side farting and being crazy should keep you somewhat preoccupied.

ow that sucks man. nabisco is customarily otm but it can take a loooong time.

(and ok, i didn't hear anything...)

:( that sucks dude

Sympathy, gbx, from one it also happened to.

yup.

It was one. Still, if it hadn't happened, I'd have never met Dawn.

Speaking from a purely selfish point of view, it was a rough ride for me, suddenly to be expected to be the tower of strength, at a time I'd only just managed to get myself back on my feet, health-related reasons.

Funny thing is, for all the people who are hurting and want your sympathy, it comes as a lightning bolt to them that you could actually be suffering too. They don't mean to be selfish, it's just all they have to hold on to just now.

OK, that's as profound as I'm getting. .. .. ....... ...
......

..... .. ........ ....... .
..

.....

*s*

thanks all, and yeah, geoff, keep it mum (not sure a has even told br yet?)

gah and i have to catch a plane at 6am tomorrow

.

My cousins had to go through this. Perfect family until my uncle decided to sit down at the breakfast table and tell my aunt it was over. The children (5 + 1 adopted) all reacted differently.

My parents divorced when I was eleven, I’d just got back from holiday and my mum said my dad wasn’t going to be living with us anymore. He’d moved out over the week I was away so i didn’t have to see him pack and leave apparently. Can’t remember being too bothered by it all as they never really got on with each other.

Weirdest thing was going to my dads wedding when he got remarried, that was a little awkward, not sure why, but just felt odd.

i think i was in my 20's (or close to it) when my parents finally divorced, though they'd been separated for probably 4-5 years prior to that.

should have happened much earlier. like ten years earlier.

Yeah, I don't know who pushed this theory of "Let's stay together for the kids" as a good idea, especially when the problems in the marriage are chronic.

my sympathies gbx

this happened to me way too early altho i think i'm glad it didn't happen when i was a teenager

as soon as my youngest brother was born i wish they'd called it a day.

i don't think growing up in the environment we did was in any way preferable to having been the product of a divorce very young.

You don't know, really; Darraghmac. And to say that it's so horrible that parents stay together for the kids. One it's not that simple and two I think in many cases it's admirable. Being in a marriage, I see how much more balanced it is when the father (or mother) is there as well. I don't know how I'd cope being a single/divorced mum. On top of that being thrown back and forth seems a bit crap ESPECIALLY when the respective parents remarry, have other kids,... I'm not saying it's "bad".

assuming both parties act like reasonable adults and have the best interests at the kids at heart (which tbh is not what i'd imagine the majority of these situations actually mirror), i still don't agree.

kids get used to being 'thrown back and forth' a lot more easily than they get used to being reliant on two people that are in a bad sham relationship.

best case scenario, either way can work. divorce isn't usually a 'best case' kind of scenario.

It's one of those 'not one size fits all' scenarios.

well, yeah.

Hey Ev, Just saw this now and wanted to say that I'm really sorry. Hope you're doing ok.

Of course divorce is not the best case scenario, but sometimes its preferable to a particularly toxic household in which to raise children where both parents clearly can't stand each other

i'm sorta doing ok (i think). i found out the day before flying down to visit friends in new mexico, but that's actually a good thing. i've got space, distractions, and two of my best friends who went through a very similar situation a few years ago (which i was privy to). so i'm good hands. worried about what'll happen when i get home and, in particular, back to school

My parents split a few years ago (after 34 years of marriage), and I was pretty shaken up by it at the time, since I never saw it coming, had always considered my parents' marriage a paragon of sorts, etc. But other than sort of forcing me to alter my views on relationships in general, it hasn't really had a demonstrable effect on me. For a short while I was worried about my dad, since it was pretty clear (though never spoken) that my mom was the one who initiated the divorce, but both he and my mom have had new significant others for 2+ years now and seem reasonably happy. Plus, I get two separate birthday dinners this week.

^^^ this is encouraging. i def didn't see it coming, but i also haven't been around (ie - have lived out of state for ten years). my parents have been together for 39 years :-/

Yeah, I don't know if the problems in my parents' marriage were ongoing or whatever, but I sort of respect that they were able to shield all of it from me while I was growing up.