Embarrassed by Friends ...

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I am fairly close friends with three other women. Individually I love to spend time with each of them. They're all intelligent, funny, sweet, thoughtful, and other grand things. Also, they're all at least 15 years my senior (I have no idea why that's important, but maybe it is). There's only one problem: Whenever the three of them are together in a public venue (most often in restaurants) two of them tend to get hyper and flirtatious, feeding off of each other's daring and energy, becoming more and more loud, obscene, rude, and, well, embarrassing. (For example, trying to pick-up a teenaged waitress for 'some hot girl-on-woman action.' And grabbing the butts of passing men. And putting tip money onto dirty plates if they didn't like the service.)

I know that some people when reading this will think it's funny (hell, I would, too) but it's become very uncomfortable for me. I cringe when they start getting crazy and become increasingly aware of how obnoxious their behavior really is. At this point I have avoided all times of going out with the three of them together, just to avoid this happening. I have even backed-out of dinner get-together's when the gurst list has expanded to include all three of these women.

I adore each of them individually. But when they're together they're horrible and do things that they'd never do on their own or with other people. So should I just continue to avoiding seeing them as a group or is there some discreet way to tell them that they need to grow-up? (Sheesh. That makes me sound preachy and judgmental.)

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 02:56 (twenty-two years ago)

If you don't like hanging out with them in a group, then don't. If they ask, be honest. BTW, are you in Sex and The City?

― Texas, Biyatch! (thatgirl), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 03:35 (twenty-two years ago)

i am always the embarrassing friend

― the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 03:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Heh yeah I was gonna say that too Jim :/

(about me obv not you!)

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 03:51 (twenty-two years ago)

*laughing* Nope, Sam. In fact, I've never seen the show *ducking in embarrassment*. So honesty is the best way to go? Sheesh. I keep thinking that that is too logical and there has to be a better way. So far they've not noticed, or not said anything to me about this whole avoidance thing.

Actually, I should have clarified that when these friends act this way at a bar, etc. then I am not mortified ... it's when they do it in places where the people around them are not consenting to have to witness their actions that it bugs the hell outta me.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 04:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Somehow I have trouble imagining Jim or Trayce being embarrassing to be around. I think that the two of you would be great fun to hit the town with.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 04:10 (twenty-two years ago)

somehow i always manage to be staggeringly crass. for some reason some people don't like that much :)

― the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 04:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Hmmmm ... some might find that charming.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 04:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Crass? Nah :) Amusing in your vehemence about certain bands *coff* but I think thats cool, not embarrasing :)

To address the question seriously though it is a bit tricky - as someone whose been on the recieving end of a rebuke of "youre embarrasing when we're out at X and you do Y" is extremely err... embarrasing. And I think it is fair to point it out to them but you'll have to be prepared for defensiveness or miffed suprise if they a) think what theyre doing is perfectly acceptable (in which case, are they friends you really need around?) or b) they DONT know theyre like this, in which case they'll probably get cross.

Its a tricky one to tackle without offence :/

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 04:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Thanks for your forthrightness (is that a real word?), Trayce. Do you think it's best to tell them or just avoid those situations? (Would one want to know this or not?) And is there a way to phrase it so that it stings less? (Or will it suck no matter how it's said?) Is it good to point out examples? (Or does that make things worse?)

I am thinking that one will see the validity and apologize and go on doing it. One will be pissed and never speak to me again. And the third will hug me and tell me that she's glad I said something to the other two because they were embarrassing her, too.

Here's another sticky question: If one of your closest friends had a boyfriend, who happened to comment to you once, when really drunk, that he'd screwed your close friend's sister (at a family reunion, while close friend slept in the room next door), but now your close friend is no longer with said boyfriend because he was unfaithful to her, is there any sort of duty to tell close friend of this 'confession'? No point at all? A really fucked topic that needs to be avoided at all costs? Hell, would *you* want to know? (I think I'd kill my sister as well as the (ex)boyfriend, myself ... I don't think that I'd want to know.) Er, and close friend has asked if you know of any other infidelities that ex-boyfriend has committed and you've side-stepped the answer.

(Sheesh, I have such charming friends, eh?)

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 04:50 (twenty-two years ago)

i dont see any need to relate past infidelities to your friend, since she is no longer with the guy and knows he did it anyway with someone else, why rub salt into the wound? if she continues to ask you, continue to side-step. say you dont know. end of story hopefully.
if she re-united with him, it could be a different matter.
my ex has confessed to things he did. i didnt need to know and it took a bit of time for me to come to grips with what he said. i would have preferred to remain ignorant, as i already knew most of it, which was enough thank you very much!

as for your other problem, yes i agree with trayce that it can be really embarrassing to be told that you are embarrassing! but there is nothing wrong with saying why you dont want to hang out with them as a group because of their behaviour in those circumstances.
yep, the reactions might not be great but just try to voice your feelings in a way that doesnt come out like " hey you are acting like real arseholes". you could say something along the lines of " ok yep great id love to go for dinner with you all but hey, i get embarrassed when you start to carry on like sex and the city ok!" ( good reference there texas )
let it go from there, see what the reaction is and you can make the choice if they refuse to acknowledge how you feel - either go anyway and remind yourself that their behaviour does not reflect on you so much if you are not also indulging in it, and ignore them when they behave this way, OR dont go and say why.

good luck!

― donna (donna), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 06:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah what Donna said - even though they may react in a miffed way, it may be the thing needed to clear the air/help them see what they're doing. They may appreciate your honesty. And if they dont, and think they have every right to act in an arsey way you really feel uncomfy around, then at least you know their attitude ...

(it certainly helped me re-assess when someone told me I was a drunken twit. I knew it, but was trying to pretend it didnt matter. He made it matter. That really helped, and though it made me horribly upset, I respected him enough to take it on board...)

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 06:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Damn, if we were all closer I'd give y'all (Sam, Trayce, Jim, Donna [and anyone else who would like to be included in this]) very large hugs and feed you some of my chocolate kaluha cake to show my appreciation for your insights.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 07:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Although I guess this bandwagon has already gone, I would say honest is the best policy in the case of your friends. Try to word it in such a way (???) as to it not being a direct criticism, how I don't really know. Also, your friend doesn't need to know about her arsehole ex & her bad sister, but a little word in the ear or her sister wouldn't go a miss.

Um, please may I have some chocolate kaluha cake?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 9 September 2003 10:40 (twenty-two years ago)

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