getting over it

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"breaking up is hard to do", yada yada. it's been about three weeks. the breakup itself was very amiable, and we promised each other we'd still be friends, hang out, what have you... there was even a strong hint of future sexual congress on her part. flash forward three weeks, every time i try talking on the phone i get mushy and stupid and my intestines twist into knots for days afterward. talking to her is always painful, though the prospect of not communicating with her via phone or email sucks, too. at this point i'm well aware it's over and why it had to end, and i'm not harboring any illusions of getting back together tomorrow. i do still feel something, but she's "handling things differently", i.e., not the happiest girl in the world but not as conflicted as i am. so here i am left wondering what to do. just throw the bloody towel in on the matter of friendship, and steadfastly avoid contact with her for the foreseeable future? erase her number from my address book because i can't deal with the angst anymore? your advice, anecdotes, telling me i'm a whiny bastard who needs to shut up are all welcome.

― js, Friday, 12 September 2003 23:16 (twenty-two years ago)

connor oberst and chris carrabba to thread.

― jason m. (jason m), Friday, 12 September 2003 23:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I kinda feel the same way so you're not alone. Write an emo song called "I'd Rather Have a Broken Heart Than a Boring Girlfriend". But, from the heart, I don't know what to say to you without getting too personal and mushy myself. My head says go ask other people out but the heart is always right.

― David. (Cozen), Friday, 12 September 2003 23:24 (twenty-two years ago)

do not I REPEAT DO NOT write an emo song!!!

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Friday, 12 September 2003 23:30 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah js, I'm going through exactly the same thing right now too.

We are trying to work through it and hope that at the end of the day if we still remain good friends then it'll have been worth the effort. If we don't then it would mean our whole relationship was sexual, which I don't think is true. (did any of that make sense?)

but then again define 'end of the day'. ah well.

― Fuzzy (Fuzzy), Friday, 12 September 2003 23:35 (twenty-two years ago)

i have declared a personal ban on all things emo. i purchased the postal service cd a few weeks before the breakup and it's been gathering dust every since.

david, i'd normally agree with that. i could probably say in all honesty that i still love her. it wouldn't be good for us to get back together, because we broke up for a reason, too much dependence on one another, arguments at such a level that we were getting dangerously close to resenting one another. we backed down rather see that happen, and as much as i regret being apart from her, i'm glad we didn't push things beyond their natural shelf life.

what i hate is being so conflicted. and still caring even though it's plainly time to let go. especially because it's obvious to me that she isn't having this problem to the degree that i am. argh argh argh.

i'm going to stop now. maybe put on some death cab for cutie and sob endless tears. more than likely i'll hit up a bottle of vodka and crank up the sisters of mercy. hells yeah.

― js, Friday, 12 September 2003 23:38 (twenty-two years ago)

fuzzy, that's the hard part for me at this point. "the end of the day" is something i'm very much waiting for. three months, or three years, down the road when i can just laugh with her and be friends and hang out like normal human beings without a painful past do. i meet up with my other ex every now and then. closure's a nice feeling. i wish it'd come sooner.

― js, Friday, 12 September 2003 23:41 (twenty-two years ago)

I wrote this but I'm not sure I want to post it so I will:

(Um. Protectorate: you might not want to throw around names like Death Cab for Cutie &c. because people here can be quite dismissive and nasty if they think you're a corny indie fuck, which I mean you probably are, it sounds like it, but it doesn't mean you're not hurting pretty bad. And, I mean, I'm probably a corny indie fuck too, well maybe not but anyway, you don't really have the protection of reputation round here, cos you're a googler right?, sorry if yr a regular I've never noticed, and people can get sneery [it's true, stop looking at me like I'm judging all you] if you talk like that so, yeah keep in mind.)

― David. (Cozen), Friday, 12 September 2003 23:45 (twenty-two years ago)

(...so you might not want to nurture unecessary wrath because although this is just a message board there are people here who have Debord-like genius ability to take some of your words and chew them up and spit them back at you, acid-lined. Um.)

― David. (Cozen), Friday, 12 September 2003 23:47 (twenty-two years ago)

speak your peace and then let her go (definitely don't hold grudges, she has a right to be happy even if it means not being there for you and vica versa). If she knows you care you don't need to keep reminding her. try to create a full life without her being there. it may take some time.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Friday, 12 September 2003 23:50 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm confused - who/what are you addressing, David?

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Friday, 12 September 2003 23:50 (twenty-two years ago)

oh, also, if you contact her again, make sure you're honest with yourself and her about why you're doing it. Either be a suitor or be a friend. Don't try to act like the latter to become the former again.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Friday, 12 September 2003 23:52 (twenty-two years ago)

I was addressing js and how people here can go to town on even the most sincere of posters if they display some characteristic bugbears. If I was still feeling like I was a couple of months ago and stumbled upon ilx and tried to ask for solace without the comfort of being 'known' and (possibly) liked, I would have been pretty upset if I'd have incurred such wrath. I know it's not here yet and my post was part telling js to watch out (don't expect everyone to be cordial, feeling) and part telling the people who can be nasty to maybe think a little, care a little, even about someone they don't know. Maybe I'm being silly. I think I possibly am.

― David. (Cozen), Friday, 12 September 2003 23:53 (twenty-two years ago)

(Miccio painfully otm :( )

― David. (Cozen), Friday, 12 September 2003 23:54 (twenty-two years ago)

david, i appreciate the warning. i'm by no means a regular but i've posted here a few times before. as far as i'm concerned, anyone who feels like the proper response to queries like this involves a critique of my musical tastes isn't worthy talking to anyway. if i wanted a conversation like that, i'd go onto ILM and start some controversial thread and soak up the abuse.

thanks a lot for the input everyone. this is a new experience for me (that itself at least is a consolation) so i'm glad to hear from anyone who may have been there before, or is going through it too.

― js, Friday, 12 September 2003 23:58 (twenty-two years ago)

(I mean, Martin, this is all a throw-over of my pent-up hate and frustration at the Gyllenhaal thread where the jibing and jeering had no real human consequence, but if that kind of thing went on in here [and I could see it coming from the end of this sentence: "maybe put on some death cab for cutie and sob endless tears"; sorry js, I'm not so much addressing you as I am ilx] then it could be hurtful, even if it is only some guy who randomly googled and won't ever post again [cf. um, ok sorry, but cf. Jack Black in High Fidelity and the Stevie Wonder dude].)

― David. (Cozen), Friday, 12 September 2003 23:59 (twenty-two years ago)

i was actually thinking that the reference to getting boozed up and listening to sisters of mercy would garner more abuse than anything else :)

― js, Saturday, 13 September 2003 00:10 (twenty-two years ago)

she's "handling things differently", i.e., not the happiest girl in the world but not as conflicted as i am.

How do you know this?

― oops (Oops), Saturday, 13 September 2003 01:39 (twenty-two years ago)

the horrible, painful truth in these matters is that Time is the only thing that helps.
yep getting blind drunk and listening to your fave stuff really loud helps in the short term, so does raving on and on about it all to friends ( and anyone else who will listen, and im not being smart here btw, its good to get it out ).
DO NOT drag out all your photos, or re-read letters and cards.
leave all that til you are well and truly ok later down the track.

in the meantime, i agree that it may not be so painful for you if you avoid contact, for now at least. i mean, it will be painful of course but it always seems to make it worse when you still have close contact minus the intimate relationship-thing you had before.

good luck. you are not alone, and many have been there and survived!

― donna (donna), Saturday, 13 September 2003 05:41 (twenty-two years ago)

donna so OTM with everything you just said!

― Fuzzy (Fuzzy), Saturday, 13 September 2003 08:37 (twenty-two years ago)

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