oh you f@#ing bitch!

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ever come across a woman who for no apparent reason is just a complete arsehole towards you?
there is one of these in a group i attend on a weekly basis. we had never met prior to this group, know nothing about each other but from the moment i started there she has been so fucking horrible to me it is quite astounding!
its a playgroup ok, so we are supposed to be there 'supporting' one another as 'fellow-inmates of toddlerhood mothering'. or something like that anyway.
i have tried to be civil and friendly towards this woman but she either ignores me completely or responds with some really nasty comment.
i missed out on the 'bitchy gene' when they were being handed out, and its really quite horrible to be confronted with it for no reason i can fathom.

why do people do this?
ok, silly question but i need to ask because im upset about it.

― donna (donna), Thursday, 18 September 2003 05:17 (twenty-two years ago)

ally don't post on this thread

― cinniblount (James Blount), Thursday, 18 September 2003 05:27 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think it applies only to females, although I think the stereotype is more easily recognisable.

Can't say I've ever really been the victim of this, being male. Women are much more likely to target other women in their inexplicable vendettas.

― Andrew (enneff), Thursday, 18 September 2003 05:28 (twenty-two years ago)

donna she sounds horrible. just ignore her if you can. i sometimes think that playgroup can be a minefield if youre not like everyone else, ie husband with a good job, own yr house in the burbs, flash car etc. and yeah it totally should be about mums and the occassional lone dad supporting each others parenting. in my expereince tho it aint

― hellbaby (hellbaby), Thursday, 18 September 2003 05:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, even playgrounds are a bit tense for a single dad, I've found. Avoid all parents who want to talk about toilet trainging, as they have no life and are full of strange yet trenchant views.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Thursday, 18 September 2003 05:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Is this woman friendly with the other Mums? Or is she not popular at all?

Sometimes personalities just clash, and there's very little you can do about it (but it is upsetting to have to deal with).

Perhaps you just started off on the wrong foot with her for some inexplicable reason - it might still be possible to salvage things. Is her child a similar age to your son? Do the children get on well together? If so, how about inviting her toddler over to tea/play with your son? Then the two of you could have the chance - away from all the noise and other distractions of the playgroup - to get to know each other better over a cup of tea while the little ones play.

Sometimes people can be snotty because they aren't as confident or happy with their lives as they appear. Perhaps she has stuff going on at home that you don't know about, which makes her act a bit frosty.

Actually, I don't know why I'm defending her. She sounds like a twat.

― C J (C J), Thursday, 18 September 2003 06:01 (twenty-two years ago)

HAHAHAHA cj i began to read your thread so seriously, considering all you said but the end just made me laugh, thanks :-)

she is friendly with the others, which is why i feel so upset. we havent even spoken to the point where our personalities could clash, she simply hated me on sight.
i dunno, i will handle it but still, it makes what could be a pleasant time for me a bit less pleasant.

― donna (donna), Thursday, 18 September 2003 06:04 (twenty-two years ago)

All school playgrounds have a sort of "mother's mafia" thing going on - the Mums who know each other already (because they are neighbours, or have had older siblings at the school already, or who go to the same yoga classes or whatever) tend to stick together and form little cliques, and it can be very intimidating.

When you are all waiting at the end of the playgroup session to collect your children, see if you can gravitate towards the group this woman is hanging around with. Ask a question, maybe, or comment on something the children have been doing in playgroup ("is anyone else tired of hearing 'The wheels on the bus' forty-seven million times a day? I do wish they'd teach them another song!" or "does anyone know how to get glue out of T-shirts? My son seems to come home with more collage stuck to himself than the paper" ... that sort of thing) and smile, smile, smile. If necessary, resort to complimenting her on something ("that's a lovely shade of nail polish you have on....what is it?") Everyone likes a compliment.

Before you know it, you'll find this woman will warm to you. How could she not? You're a lovely person, Donna :)

― C J (C J), Thursday, 18 September 2003 06:26 (twenty-two years ago)

thanks again, cj.
i dont know if i want to bother though, really. i have tried for 8 months now, to be polite to this woman and get to know her, and in the end all i feel is that i am belittling myself by bothering. i have even tried some of the things you suggest ie: talking about our children ( she has a girl that is my sons age ). she ignores me outright! not interested.
all the other women in the group are great, i am finally making some new friends here and starting to feel comfortable. just this one nasty person giving me grief.

its the 'why factor' that gets to me.

― donna (donna), Thursday, 18 September 2003 07:13 (twenty-two years ago)

no fuck it im really upset by this womans thing.
what happened to 'solidarity'
?
huh?
im not competitive in that way, there is no need.
what is it in someone that causes them to be this way?

― donna (donna), Thursday, 18 September 2003 07:18 (twenty-two years ago)

jealousy? general hatred of newcomers? (is she like this with everyone?)

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 18 September 2003 07:20 (twenty-two years ago)

no i know the answer to this.
its her issue right?
im gonna stop raving on about it now.

― donna (donna), Thursday, 18 September 2003 07:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Have you asked some of the women you both are friendly with what her deal is with you? Are you "non-traditional" in appearance (tattoos, etc) and maybe she made an instant judgement?

― nickn (nickn), Thursday, 18 September 2003 07:26 (twenty-two years ago)

I've only once encountered a woman who was openly hostile towards me for no reason. We were co-workers for about a year, and her bitchiness was overwhelming at times (to the point I almost resigned because I couldn't stand it). I really liked my job though, so I dug my heels in and stuck it out because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of making me leave (and in the end, she was the one who resigned instead, hurrah).

I had done nothing to cause or inflame the situation, and had no problems at all with any of my other co-workers. I think in her case, this woman was inexplicably jealous of me - I had just returned to the UK after many years travelling and working all round the globe and although I didn't really talk about things I had done/seen much, I think her petty attitude was because she thought I was some sort of show-off. Which I'm not, really :)

I sympathise with you, Donna. It is really horrible when someone takes an instant and strong dislike to you for no reason - but like you say, this is her problem, not yours. Don't let the bastards grind you down, etc.

― C J (C J), Thursday, 18 September 2003 07:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm with what CJ has said. It's her loss. Ignore her. Life is too short, in the long run, to spend time with those that you love. So don't waste any of your time on the idiots. Really. Be thankful that she's saved you the time from getting to know her and then discovering that she's a bitch.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Thursday, 18 September 2003 07:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I would say that the only thing to do (for a quiet life) is to ignore her. However, if it is really upsetting you, I would confront her about it. You have a right to do this if you are being treated unfairly.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 18 September 2003 07:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Speaking from first-hand experience, it's much worse when someone you once were good friends with turns totally bitchy towards you for no apparent reason. I still have dreams about the situation years later.

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 18 September 2003 07:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Donna, I know exactly what you're talking about. There was a girl like this in one of my classes last year, it was utterly obvious, and the thing is it's when somebody gives off clear vibes of nastiness and never confronts you. Perhaps it's not consciously done but it's a lovely way some women have of sabotaging other women, I've seen it happen over and over and over, 'cause the natural response is to sit around and go, what did I DO to CAUSE this?

The answer is, you didn't do anything, SHE is the one with the problem. Period.

Just be exceedingly polite but distant to her, as you would treat any other person caught in a sad situation, since I find acting this way toward another woman for no reason whatsoever is totally pathetic and sad. Winning her over is not your problem - and the more you try, the more the bitch is gonna keep this sh!t up, cause she's playing a little power game by constantly making you sit around wondering, what can I do to make her like me? Acting bitchy is a way to get people to cater to you & take interest in you & agree with whatever you say to avoid more bitchiness - don't let her, just be civil and do your own thing.

― daria g (daria g), Thursday, 18 September 2003 20:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Alternately, kick her in the crotch.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 18 September 2003 20:30 (twenty-two years ago)

There was this rich lawyer woman who got all bitchy with me the other day because I parked behind her BMW (it's my building & the maintenance guy she'd hired to put together furniture was in MY spot), and I just stayed superpolite and civil, and before long she was all apologetic for being "short" with me when we'd met. And all along I was thinking to myself, I WIN, BITCH.

― daria g (daria g), Thursday, 18 September 2003 20:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Maybe women are more prone to worry about what *they* did to cause it, whenever there's a conflict? Once I decided that personally, the a priori is "This is not my problem, YOU are the one with the problem," it became a lot easier to stay cool-headed when dealing with annoying and pushy people.. because the first attitude puts you on the defensive from the get-go.

― daria g (daria g), Thursday, 18 September 2003 20:35 (twenty-two years ago)

True, and defensive attitudes seem to radiate from one person to another, whether or not tis intentional. What I notice is that bitchiness can occur over the stupidest things (and esclate into road rage, if the 'offended' has a vehicle). Being in FL, I see this a lot and wonder if the arguments are caused by the heat.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Thursday, 18 September 2003 21:05 (twenty-two years ago)

James Blount, I kiss you.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 18 September 2003 22:05 (twenty-two years ago)

There have been studies that show crime rates, esp fist fights/brawls, go up when it gets hot. (up to a point--if it's TOO hot everyone is too overcome by it to waste energy in fights)

― oops (Oops), Friday, 19 September 2003 05:30 (twenty-two years ago)

yes i have heard of this too.

anyway i have decided to ignore her. no more attempts to be polite or even speak. why would i bother when she is so obviously a horrible person!

i am making enough good friends through this group, to feel ok about continuing to go along. my son loves it, and that is the biggest incentive to keep going and ignore horrible-bitch-with-attitude.

thanks everyone for your comments and support.

― donna (donna), Friday, 19 September 2003 05:41 (twenty-two years ago)

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