DIY home surgery tales, and other swiss army knife fun

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im sure you've all tried to perform minor surgery on yourself at some point. i don't mean heart bypasses or liposuction or anything like that, just small things, like spearing a mosquito bite or a complicated wood splinter removal. so tell me your stories.

probably the most serious bit of surgery ive tried to do is removing the offending part of an ingrowing toenail that had caused my big toe to start to look pretty disgusting. sadly there were complications (the leatherman slipped) and i cut myself pretty deep. i continued though, got some nail out, but it turned out there were deeper shards of nail in there that i didnt know about, so the problem continued and i had to see a chiropodist in the end. but it was a valiant effort!

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Saturday, 27 September 2003 19:06 (twenty-two years ago)

No, I haven't operated on m'self. Not me. However, this streak, in a minor way, seems to've run in the family. My late grandpa, who was quite a character - and a blacksmith by trade - , did pull an aching tooth outta his own mouth once. With rather unsanitary-looking tongs, to boot. While performing his singular dent-smith job, he was, needless to say, considerably drunk (as was his wont, regularly, those days).

― t\'\'t (t\'\'t), Saturday, 27 September 2003 19:29 (twenty-two years ago)

i will not read this thread ... this is one of the few topics that would genuinely gross me out. my grandfather used to have this one story about some dude he knew who yanked an aching tooth out of his mouth (and got the nickname "the dentist") -- you don't wanna hear that story on a full stomach.

― Little Big Macher (llamasfur), Saturday, 27 September 2003 19:44 (twenty-two years ago)

About a hundred years ago, there was a rich woman who was diagnosed with cancer in one of her legs. Instead of going out and having it removed by a surgeon, she took a trip around Europe to collect all of the surgical instruments she needed and removed it herself in a hotel room. She recovered fully.

― Christine 'Green Leafy Dragon' Indigo (cindigo), Sunday, 28 September 2003 02:09 (twenty-two years ago)

when i was a kid i stuck a sharpened pencil in my thigh and it snapped off. my dad sat me on the kitchen table and attempted to gouge it out with a knife and spoon.

then we went to the hospital

― gaz (gaz), Sunday, 28 September 2003 05:23 (twenty-two years ago)

thats just mentalism! a spoon?!?

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Sunday, 28 September 2003 11:43 (twenty-two years ago)

I assume the spoon was to apply pressure in order to expose the flesh, while the knife was for digging?

A nurse acquaintance used to come home with some grisly stories of home surgery. As did a social worker friend - a guy tried to give himself a sex change. You can imagine the rest.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Sunday, 28 September 2003 11:55 (twenty-two years ago)

my grandpa did the pulling-teeth-out with pliers while drunk at the kitchen table thing too.

― teeny (teeny), Sunday, 28 September 2003 13:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Christine: As I heard the story, it was a woman with breast cancer, who checked into a hotel room for a DIY mastectomy, with only whiskey for an anesthetic. But we could be talking about two different patients.

― j.lu (j.lu), Sunday, 28 September 2003 14:28 (twenty-two years ago)

teeny - was your grandpa a blacksmith too? ;)

― t\'\'t (t\'\'t), Sunday, 28 September 2003 14:56 (twenty-two years ago)

no, just a drunk! and he's still with us, against all odds. But yeah, your story gave me pause!

― teeny (teeny), Sunday, 28 September 2003 20:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I was told she used cocaine (still perfectly legal a hundred years ago) in topical form. Maybe we are talking about two different people.

― Christine 'Green Leafy Dragon' Indigo (cindigo), Sunday, 28 September 2003 23:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Or it may be the same one, and my mind's garbled all of the details. I'll look into it a little more.

― Christine 'Green Leafy Dragon' Indigo (cindigo), Sunday, 28 September 2003 23:31 (twenty-two years ago)

....my doppy azz was pealing an apple with a skinning knife once, and i don't mean a little wuss blade, i mean a bad azz Ted Nugent thing, and i managed to stab myself right in the thigh. honest to god, wasn't drinking. i didn't want to go to the er, cuz i'm navy, and Work in the hospital, so not only would it embarrass the heck out of me, but they'd send me to mental health , making sure i wasn't suicidal and an alcoholic and stuff. which, if you've been in the navy, is exactly how it works. if ya stub your toe, then use breath spray, they consider ya suicidal and a lush. any way, i tried to do a field dressing on it, which got infected, sending me to the department that i work in.god, i have never felt like such a dumb azz in my life. plus, i had to explain how i got a knife that size on base. yeah, i felt like a jack ass. oh, well, life lesson, eh?

― ryan hoffman, Monday, 29 September 2003 17:47 (twenty-two years ago)

my mom went to brazil with the first of many stepfathers when i was about 17. they came home after having been gone for a month. my mother kept having a strange itchy feeling in her big toe. a couple of weeks passed, and it became unbearable. the tip of the toe took on a bluish cast and the uncomfortable "host" feeling was overwhelming. so my mother, a schoolteacher, stopped in at the doctor's office after work one afternoon. unfortunately all of this occurred at the hieght of flu season and the office was packed. she waited for two hours and with no sign of seeing the doctor, became impatient and aggitated. when she could take no more, she screamed "there is something living in my toe. you people have the sniffles. there is no justice!", and left the office.

i was at home watching tv after school. she flew into the house and grabbed a bottle of wine. she popped it open and chugged like a drunken sorostitute. she ran into the living room and grabbed me. she shrieked,"Go get some tweezers, an exacto knife, alcohol, and ice. Meet me in the kitchen and do what i tell you to, do not ask questions."

i gathered the utensils and sat down on the floor of our kitchen. i iced the toe until we thought it was at least a tiny bit numb. then, i sliced open the tip where the infection obviously lay. i soaked up some blood and goo with alcohol soaked guaze, and then began to dig around a bit with the tweezers and a needle. finally, i found it. a tiny white worm. it was still wriggling as i pulled it out! foul creature! we bandaged up mom's toe and she was fine in a few days.

― Emilymv (Emilymv), Monday, 29 September 2003 18:16 (twenty-two years ago)

should've called the toe truck!

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Monday, 29 September 2003 18:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Emilymv deserves a medal!

― t\'\'t (t\'\'t), Monday, 29 September 2003 21:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, that's pretty gross, wow. I was going to tell everyone about how I burnt a mole off my own hand cos it annoyed me but, shit, I have never cut a living thing out of someone's extremities and now I am feeling a bit inadequate!

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 29 September 2003 23:26 (twenty-two years ago)

I have sawed off annoying bits and cauterized well more than my share of bleeding wounds in my time. The last incident was mostly involuntary, I nearly chopped the tip of my pinky off with a serrated knife while trying to saw corn on the cob into thirds, and then went to town on myself with a cigarette lighter in an attempt to stop the horror-movie bleeding action. It didn't work, but it did wind up healing pretty quick.

― TOMBOT, Tuesday, 30 September 2003 00:51 (twenty-two years ago)

eleven years pass...

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