the weirdo is *me*!

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the other day i needed to ask for an extention on a university essay and it was a busy morning so i decided to run up all three floors to the english dept. offices (though i really didn't need to), and all the way i'm mentally rehearsing the best way to phrase my request ("i know this is very last moment and i fully expect to be refused, but...") and then finally i get there and i quickly knock and enter and i'm outta breath and i just start the big speech, speaking in doubletime, taking big gasps in the middle of my sentences, while semi-audibly apologizing for being out of breath and suddenly i realize that this guy must be having something of a WTF moment re: my odd behaviour.

i think have these moments quite often, where i realize i'm acting in the way that i see people who make me wonder why they're acting so weird act. often it's the little things - arts and drama people (the people i'm around most of the time), are often pretty physical when it comes to everyday contact - kissing, hugging etc. everyday physicality isn't something i'm good at, so often i'll wonder if this person now expects me to kiss them on the cheek or hug them hello and then worry that i've spent too long thinking about it so that if i do it now it'll seem weird or forced or if i should rather pretend to be fiddling with getting some change out of my wallet or whatever so my hesistancy can be read as 'otherwise occupied' etc etc. i think my behaviour in certain situations is quite obviously uncomfortable/strange, maybe more than i realize even.

is it just me?

mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Saturday, 27 September 2003 20:47 (twenty-two years ago)

I get this sometimes, I think drugs make it a bit worse overtime, every now and again I can be doing something normal and just get a sudden "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING" message to my brain and check myself and seem weird anyway even though originally I didn't.

Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 27 September 2003 20:52 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, obv this is prone to happen when you are drinking or on drugs. when drinking, i tend not to care about it. at the time, anyway.

mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Saturday, 27 September 2003 20:54 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah i know what you (both) mean

robin (robin), Saturday, 27 September 2003 20:55 (twenty-two years ago)

I mean when you're not actually drunk or on drugs, but just general paranoia. I also get this when I want a cigarette.

Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 27 September 2003 20:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Um, I got rang by someone at least 30 times today, which involved me swearing a lot at her to try and get her to stop. She didn't stop ringing me until I pointed out that she'd rung 30 times and that this was the behaviour of a psychopath. I imagine she felt this kind of thing, only much worse.

Hmmm... (Nick Southall), Saturday, 27 September 2003 21:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Mitch, this all sounds quite like normal behaviour. I wouldn't worry about it.

jel -- (jel), Sunday, 28 September 2003 07:56 (twenty-two years ago)

I get this when I'm over-excited. I talk and talk and I get very loud and sometimes I mentally check myself and think "oh god I'm being an arse and everyone's just too polite to say so" (Friday drinks with Jim and Andrew I had this big time). The fact Ive had friends tell me off for being a loud prat doesn't help - I think once someone pulls you up for something you didn't realise, you then get a bit paranoid about it from then on.

I like to tell myself that the fact I can check myself is important - the moment you *aren't* seeing a behaviour as bad and people have to tell you you're out of line, is when it's going too far.

Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 28 September 2003 08:17 (twenty-two years ago)

''i think my behaviour in certain situations is quite obviously uncomfortable/strange, maybe more than i realize even.''

all of us get this when we are put in novel situations. you learn from the experience.

Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Sunday, 28 September 2003 08:56 (twenty-two years ago)

what happens though when the situation stops being novel but the way you act doesn't?

mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Sunday, 28 September 2003 09:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Hmm. Yes, it is a tricky situation. Do you feel the way you behave is inappropriate in the situation? Can you therefore control it? r do you think "well damn you, this is me, deal with it?"

Just thoughts really...no opinion either way, as I'm one who is very rooted in the "fuck I'm a babbling fool" camp far too much of the time and am struggling with it myself.

Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 28 September 2003 09:46 (twenty-two years ago)

It is a very tricky situation.

I think it's necessary, really, for the weirdo to come out of the closet and not be a shrinking violet about his or her strangeness - even if such strangeness is only sporadic rather than chronic. There seems to be no doubt that many people love and treasure harmless but interesting weirdos. I know I certainly do.

Never apologise for being a weirdo. Many of my friends are quite eccentric, and I would be horrified if any one of them became apologetic about their uniqueness. I would rather normal people apologised for not being weird enough.

As for people laying strangeness trips on us for our weird behaviour (which is really what the topic's about I think), the question becomes this: how do we protect ouselves from losing confidence in such a situation?

I would like to know your answers to this very important question, as every weirdo could use the tools and techniques to avoid being undermined simply for not following minor social rules. I think the answer has to do with systematically ridding yourself of all forms of self-monitoring. Self monitoring is the process by which one says 'what am I doing?', 'is this appropriate?', 'did I just come over as an idiot?' and so on. That inner voice might be attenuated, or even disappear completely - making one that most envied of souls, the completely unselfconscious weirdo.

colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Sunday, 28 September 2003 10:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Never apologise for being a weirdo. Many of my friends are quite eccentric, and I would be horrified if any one of them became apologetic about their uniqueness. I would rather normal people apologised for not being weird enough.

Colin, this is a very very cool thing to say, and has brightened my (rather frazzled) day considerably. I needed a fresh perspective and that is it. Thanks! :)

Trayce (trayce), Monday, 29 September 2003 01:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Thank you Trayce, I myself needed some cheering up today, and now thanks to your kind words I feel quite cheery!

colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 September 2003 01:17 (twenty-two years ago)


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