Classic or dud; going to bed intending to have a wank but being so knackered you fall asleep before you remember to do so?

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Big fat fucking dud again and again, I say.

― Llahtuos Kcin (Nick Southall), Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:27 (twenty-two years ago)

I envy your ability to sleep.

You know, if you *forget* to have a wank, well... how can you *forget*?

― the river fleet, Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:30 (twenty-two years ago)

What is with all this wanking today?

― William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm several thousand miles away from my partner. Why do you think?

― the river fleet, Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:31 (twenty-two years ago)

I say classic.

― Luigi Vampa (Horace Mann), Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:37 (twenty-two years ago)

And that's all I'm willing to admit.

― Luigi Vampa (Horace Mann), Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:37 (twenty-two years ago)

It would actually feel TOO WEIRD to masturbate in my mum's house. So instead I'm just going to talk about sex on the internet. Where's Stevem when you need him? Come 'ere baby, let me objectify you!

― the river fleet, Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:40 (twenty-two years ago)

i'd say classic. falling asleep quickly for me is always a classic - as i usually have a hard time getting to sleep.

― dyson (dyson), Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:41 (twenty-two years ago)

ooh! you could go to wal mart and do it in front of the guns!

(sorry, still trying to think of entertainment while at mom's house)

should we post you a lock of stevem's hair?

― colette (a2lette), Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:44 (twenty-two years ago)

The worst is being so sleepy that you get started and then fall asleep mid-stroke.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:51 (twenty-two years ago)

surely this is classic Nick, just think how much Kleenex you save

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:51 (twenty-two years ago)

*shudders*

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:53 (twenty-two years ago)

i usually have a hard time getting to sleep.

Tee hee hee!

Classic, since its bad for you, and if you can avoid it, great.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:56 (twenty-two years ago)

it's bad for you¿

― dyson (dyson), Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:58 (twenty-two years ago)

no wonder so many people here wear glasses

wait a minute, did i just type that or merely think it?

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:59 (twenty-two years ago)

It dilutes your natural essences.

― Luigi Vampa (Horace Mann), Thursday, 22 January 2004 15:59 (twenty-two years ago)

everytime you wank you lose a pint of blood, you know.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:00 (twenty-two years ago)

stevem, objectifed:

http://www.maths.soton.ac.uk/postgraduates/Mills/people/perkin.jpg

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, I certainly feel better when I abstein for a while. I have a theory about this.

The word orgasm (as we all know) comes from the the Latin "little death". This could mean that an orgasm is a death of a part of you - it transfers a bit of you to the person you're having an orgasm with - not just the not just the sticky stuff, but a bit of your soul almost. If you're having in orgams with yourself, instead of a bit of your soul being trasferred to the other person, it just disappears into thin air. A little death indeed.

Of course, this may be all bollox, but like I say, I feel a lot better if I refrain from having a Tommy for a while.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:08 (twenty-two years ago)

It just usually signifies the death of that particular sex session!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:10 (twenty-two years ago)

the death of about 24,000 sperm perhaps

― dyson (dyson), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:16 (twenty-two years ago)

(i think 'little death' refers to the concept of being dead, orgasm being an analogue of death in the same way sleep is, ie mindlessness/unconsciousness.)

― ..., Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:18 (twenty-two years ago)

no kittens yet then?

― MarkH (MarkH), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:19 (twenty-two years ago)

The word orgasm (as we all know) comes from the the Latin "little death".

No it doesn't. You're thinking of the French slang for orgasm, "la petite mort". (Apologizes if I got the gender of that phrase wrong.) The word "orgasm" comes from the Greek "organ", to grow ripe or be lustful.

― Casuistry (Chris P), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:20 (twenty-two years ago)

It may well be a reference to the cessation of the senses - but I like my description better.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:20 (twenty-two years ago)

I thought it was a well known fact! Oh well, the French have a better grasp of anatomy (boom boom!) than the Latin bunch anyway.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:22 (twenty-two years ago)

And Mark, although its bad for me, that doesn't stop me. At the end of the day, just because I'm a hypocrite doesn't mean I'm wrong.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:23 (twenty-two years ago)

we all know what is being implied when Shakespeare and Donne use 'die'

― ..., Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:24 (twenty-two years ago)

"little death" is the term for when people pass-out after sex, no¿
i'm serious, it's some kind of condition.

― dyson (dyson), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I lived in France for a long time, and I never, ever heard anyone refer to orgasm as "la petite morte". In fact, the only time I've ever heard anyone use that phrase is in the sentence: "the French call the orgasm "la petite morte'"

― Jonathan Z., Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:27 (twenty-two years ago)

the death of about 24,000 sperm perhaps

dyson you should see your doctor about your sperm count

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:27 (twenty-two years ago)

It is probably slang from a few centuries ago.

― Casuistry (Chris P), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:35 (twenty-two years ago)

i made a guess, okay.
so, what should it be, dr.ken¿

― dyson (dyson), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:36 (twenty-two years ago)

It's something I've heard of, Chris (la petite mort meaning orgasm). I had the impression that it was a fairly common term.

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Dudes, back to the w@nking, purlease!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:48 (twenty-two years ago)

I actually agree with dyson that it would be great to be able to fall asleep that easily!

Do you have interesting dreams when you fall asleep while wanking?

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:50 (twenty-two years ago)

not quite the same but there was a dream in which i was wanking - it felt like bad value for money - have a dream in which i'm GETTIN' IT AWN with the girl of my life, please, not a dream in which i'm imagining getting it awn with the girl of my life - it's all imagination of course but bloody hell.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 22 January 2004 16:56 (twenty-two years ago)

did you count yer sperm afterwards¿ i want numbers, dammit¡

― dyson (dyson), Thursday, 22 January 2004 17:05 (twenty-two years ago)

i tried to count how many sperms I ejaculated while wanking once but it's quite difficult with them all swimming around - i got bored after the 20 millionth.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 22 January 2004 17:10 (twenty-two years ago)

A) fallen asleep before completion
check
B) had dreams where I'm jerking off
check

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Thursday, 22 January 2004 17:19 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think I've ever fallen asleep and forgotten or during, but I have been too sleepy and just given up mid-way.

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 22 January 2004 17:21 (twenty-two years ago)

If I ever fell asleep, I imagine that would be proof that I didn't really want or need a wank. If I ever wank cos I want to sleep, then falling asleep is kinda what I'm after really.

― Not logged about, but prob google proof-sih (daveb), Thursday, 22 January 2004 17:23 (twenty-two years ago)

B) had dreams where I'm jerking off
...at the science faire, in front of the entire senior class and the cameraman from the local tv station who was filming it to the 5 O'Clock news?

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Thursday, 22 January 2004 19:12 (twenty-two years ago)

A friend of mine once told me that she can't get to sleep unless she comes first, no matter how tired she is.

― Douglas (Douglas), Thursday, 22 January 2004 19:39 (twenty-two years ago)

er, surely she's had to share a room with people before.

― dyson (dyson), Thursday, 22 January 2004 19:41 (twenty-two years ago)

like on a family holiday? brrr...

― paulhw (paulhw), Thursday, 22 January 2004 20:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Hence bathrooms, etc.

― Douglas (Douglas), Thursday, 22 January 2004 22:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Surely it's worse to wake up and discovered you'd had a wank but forgot doing it?

― Sir Kenneth Lovelady, Thursday, 22 January 2004 22:44 (twenty-two years ago)

er that's called a wet dream

― the surface noise (electricsound), Thursday, 22 January 2004 22:47 (twenty-two years ago)

It would actually feel TOO WEIRD to masturbate in my mum's house.

Funny, I masturbated in my mum's house for ten years. (before I moved out)

This morning when I woke up I couldn't remember whether I had a wank last night or not. It's like trying to remember if you've had a crap that day - it happens so often that you don't make a point of remembering it.

― Andrew (enneff), Thursday, 22 January 2004 22:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Skipping 29 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

Surely you should so this when you feel like it, not because you need to fill (ahem) some kind of ~~hole~~ quota.

― PinXor (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 12:47 (twenty-one years ago)

But sometimes you feel like it at work and that would be SO WRONG. Ahem, dog latin.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 12:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Why? Dude go into the toilets, who's to know? Apart from ILX I mean!

― PinXor (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 12:48 (twenty-one years ago)

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo..........

So wrong.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 12:49 (twenty-one years ago)

I mean I like to make some noise and roll around some, capiché.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 12:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Well save that for when you are at home, at work you have a quiet one innit!

― PinXor (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 12:51 (twenty-one years ago)

How long before Dog Latin takes out the first interweb only court order against Mouthy?

― the neurotic awakening of s (blueski), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 12:51 (twenty-one years ago)

"roll around"! I will never view somersaults the same way again.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 12:51 (twenty-one years ago)

I figured this was more in a stevem rolling down the beach kinda way!

― PinXor (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 12:55 (twenty-one years ago)

you have tarnished the innocence and beauty of that animated gif forever

― the neurotic awakening of s (blueski), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 12:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Dude, just be grateful I didn't know where to find it!

― PinXor (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 12:56 (twenty-one years ago)

I do this about three times out of five.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 12:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Somersaults or rolling down a hill?

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Wanking at work!!

― PinXor (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Falling asleep, innit!

Wait, Roxy said my piXXor was k-hot in an ILX geek way = I send her to sleep!! OH NO!

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:04 (twenty-one years ago)

"So people with lower sex drives are more at risk? That doesn't seem ~~right~~ fair."

― R.I.M.A. (Barima), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:04 (twenty-one years ago)

There's something immensely frustrating about the fact that just as I want to quit ILE, I get suckered in by a chat about failed wanking.

― R.I.M.A. (Barima), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Haha!

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Once when I was about 20 I fell asleep midwank with I believe an issue of Oui open on my bed. My mom came into my room in the morning and saw it. My dad kindly asked me not to leave such books open on my bed if there was a chance my mom might see anything. Uncharacteristically my mom didn't mention anything about it. Can't make up my mind about whether this was classic or dud.

― Bryan (Bryan), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Oui = dud. Had it been Slug Farm Fuck Fantasy Fortnightly, then it would = classic.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:11 (twenty-one years ago)

OH MY GOD BRYAN

That is a scenario of unrelenting horror!!!!

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Would be worse if, say, he had been having a wank with his walkman on and eyes closed and finished, opened his eyes, and found a fresh cup of tea next to the bed.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:14 (twenty-one years ago)

So people with lower sex drives are more at risk? That doesn't seem right.
-- the neurotic awakening of s (stevem7...), August 11th, 2004 1:45 PM. (later)

of course it does. Natural Selection innit.

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Eh, it wasn't so bad, Dan. And you're right Nick, but then I did fall asleep.

― Bryan (Bryan), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:15 (twenty-one years ago)

Would be worse if, say, he had been having a wank with his walkman on and eyes closed and finished, opened his eyes, and found a fresh cup of tea next to the bed.

Do you remember Stretch and Vern, Nick (of course you do Mannion, hands down...and away from your crotch)? In the first issue of Muzik I ever read, one of their writers managed to get Stretch into admitting to a time during his early teens when he was perusing an underwear catalogue (as you do) and felt a bit of a stiffness coming on (as you do), going as far as to get hands on with it (as you etc etc). In fact, he went all the way with the five-finger shuffle and after finishing himself off, he turned around only to find a mug of steaming cocoa and a plate of jammy dogers that his mum had slipped in, left by his bed and slipped out without disturbing him. Vern confirmed the story.

― R.I.M.A. (Barima), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:22 (twenty-one years ago)

That story = growing up British in a nutshell

― Bryan (Bryan), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Haha, class! Damn right.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh shit, they phoned his mum as well, "who confirmed the reason why he calls himself Stretch". The ladies must love him with a name like that, actually.

Hey Bryan, at least he was awake the whole time. He finishes what he starts - the ladies must appreciate that too.

― R.I.M.A. (Barima), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:40 (twenty-one years ago)

I think I assumed that you were naked on top of the bed as well as having the DIRTY DIRTY PR0N visible.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Being too tired to undress (for sleep, for a wank, for, uh, whatever): classic or dud.

― R.I.M.A. (Barima), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:57 (twenty-one years ago)

Dan: I was hoping you were going to suggest I was caught with a handful of frothy margarine. I was probably in tighty whities with my sheets all tangled up between my legs, perhaps having a hump at Princess Leia.

R.I.M.A.: point taken, and the ladies must also appreciate his resistance to distractions.

― Bryan (Bryan), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 13:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Barima that story about Stretch was actually a marginally altered routine from Rob Newman's old set but no doubt dates from way before that.

― the neurotic awakening of s (blueski), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 14:32 (twenty-one years ago)

That story's a long-standing urban myth - every school had a version of a kid from another local school who this had happened to.

― Dave B (daveb), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 14:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Mine was lifted wholesale from Rob Newman and no one noticed!

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 14:49 (twenty-one years ago)

I honestly don't know anything about the circumstances leading into it (apart from copious amounts of teh b00z3), but apparently my roommate came home about 8 am this past Sunday morning to find me completely nekkid laying on my living room floor in a position that suggests I crashed mid-wank with, um, The Two Towers in the DVD player. Yes, the Lord of the Rings film.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 15:43 (twenty-one years ago)

I mean, think about how much of your teenage years you spend wanking - the odds are everyone's mum has caught them at least once, and I'm sure sometimes one never becomes aware of being caught.

― Markelby (Mark C), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 15:46 (twenty-one years ago)

No one caught me just now.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 15:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Nickalicious, fret not. It could have been the second Dragonlance book.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 15:47 (twenty-one years ago)

"Uhhhn... STURM, LOOK OUT! OH YEAH!!!!!!!"

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 16:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Or maybe Nickalicious just closed his eyes and imagined his cock was called 'precious.'

"So bright. So beautiful."

― Wooden (Wooden), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 16:09 (twenty-one years ago)

"Nasty little hobbitses wants their ways with my precious..."

― Jimmybommy JimmyK'KANG (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 16:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Motherfuckers.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 16:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Gollumwanker.

― Jimmybommy JimmyK'KANG (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 16:15 (twenty-one years ago)

"I WANTS it."

― Wooden (Wooden), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 16:23 (twenty-one years ago)

one month passes...

classic

― amateur!!!st (amateurist), Sunday, 3 October 2004 06:42 (twenty-one years ago)

two years pass...

Too Knackered To Wank: The Ilx Story

― gershy, Wednesday, 29 August 2007 07:24 (eighteen years ago)

the river fleet became river wolf, right?

― Frogman Henry, Wednesday, 29 August 2007 07:25 (eighteen years ago)

Can someone please email me tomorrow evening to remind me to take care of that bit of business?

Thanks! :D :D :D :D :D :D

― dell, Wednesday, 29 August 2007 08:40 (eighteen years ago)

Too wankered to play with your knackers.

― Frogman Henry, Wednesday, 29 August 2007 08:58 (eighteen years ago)

Too Knackered To Wank

It is a beautifully appropriate metaphor for something or other. It would have been nice to see it turn up in the context of a quote on the "most depressing/pessimisstic philosophers" thread.

― dell, Wednesday, 29 August 2007 09:04 (eighteen years ago)

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