Punchlines, now in a more normalised situation, and now they aren't funny.

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I spent all weekend putting shelves up.

And Boy, are my arms tired!

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 12:57 (twenty-two years ago)

i did some ouija board action at the weekend.

to get to the 'other side'.

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:03 (twenty-two years ago)

wow, after the traffic jam today, we found out that the dead baby really WAS stapled to that chicken.

wish we woulda known this earlier.

― Kingfish Disraeli (Kingfish), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:04 (twenty-two years ago)

actually, i fucked up, my one was hilarious. darn.

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:12 (twenty-two years ago)

No, that was in the spirit of the thing.

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:13 (twenty-two years ago)

When do you not mind one word postings?
When it is aja.

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:16 (twenty-two years ago)

55 points to the groutster!

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:17 (twenty-two years ago)

oh good. i'll do another then:

i read something the other day.
a newspaper.

(see, that wasn't even remotely funny. i'm improving)

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:17 (twenty-two years ago)

(actually, this is tough)

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:19 (twenty-two years ago)

my friend is really thirsty.

because he ran out of juice.

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:23 (twenty-two years ago)

What's your name?
Bob.
What's your friend's name?
Art.
How about that guy over there?
Matt.

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Who wrote the Peter Rabbit books?
Beer Tricks Potter.

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:25 (twenty-two years ago)

I see what your problem is! Look, you're confused by their names, because they all sound like questions.

Well, I'll explain it to you. See, on first base is Hu, Samuel Hu, and you're probably not familiar with that name because his grandfather was Chinese. And on second base is Hector Watt, W-A-T-T Watt, and that's not so unusual because James Watt invented the steam engine. And on third base is Phil Iduno, I-D-U-N-O, and if you do say that fast, it does sound like the phrase 'Gee, I dunno,' but it's actually Iduno, Phil Iduno.

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:30 (twenty-two years ago)

My mum would fix holes I'd made in my jeans.
My mum to thread.

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:33 (twenty-two years ago)

What do you call a man with no ears?

Unfortunate

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Had to get some more seeds and nuts today

Cos the parrots eat em all.

― don (don), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:35 (twenty-two years ago)

"Doctor doctor I think I'm a horse."

Why the long face?

Knock knock
Who's there?
Police
Police who?
Police to meet you
Oh yeah, sorry

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:37 (twenty-two years ago)

i'm not very good at this yet

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:37 (twenty-two years ago)

man walks into a bar
do you think he saw us?

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:39 (twenty-two years ago)

My mum went to Jamaica on holiday.

She went of her own...oh, wait.

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:39 (twenty-two years ago)

What's half of $20?

Ten bucks. Same as in town.

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:40 (twenty-two years ago)

a man walks into a low doorframe.
he hit his head.

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Hi there, I am the Amazing Randy.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:42 (twenty-two years ago)

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman end up on a desert island. The Englishman finds a lamp. He gives it a rub and a genie appears. "I will grant each of you one wish" the genie says. They all wish to be back home.

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:42 (twenty-two years ago)

a man is in his car on a hot day. he says to his friends "if i get hot, i can wind down the window".

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:44 (twenty-two years ago)

What's a nice fruit pudding?
Sago.

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:46 (twenty-two years ago)

slightly off topic, i know, but don't you just love it in tv shows where they cut to someone telling a joke at the punchline but you haven't heard the run-up to it? so it cuts to scene and you just hear

"and then the parrot said 'don't ask me mate.. i'm just here for the weekend'" [everybody laughs]

― don (don), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:46 (twenty-two years ago)

In a similar vein

― Dave B (daveb), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Why aren't there any badminton courts in the jungle?
Because there isn't the demand.

― DJ Mencap (DJ Mencap), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:48 (twenty-two years ago)

here's the location of a similar thread. title: Alternate endings to classic jokes

oh, i thought you said "see if we've done this before".

― mmm., Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Punchlines for which I can think of no unfunny setup that isn't really, really contrived:
"Left Tit, Behind"
"If you help me find my keys, we can drive out of here."
"99 nuns say "tee hee" and one says "oh my."

Don - that is humor in it's highest form. I love that.

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:48 (twenty-two years ago)

WHy is there a shuttle link between terminals one and two at Gatwick Airport?
Because it's too far to walk.

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:52 (twenty-two years ago)

"and then the parrot said 'don't ask me mate.. i'm just here for the weekend'" [everybody laughs]

Homicide had a running bit with this, where they would always cut in on the scene with Meldrick saying "So the bear says to the guy, 'You didn't come here to hunt, did you?'"
And it's actually a really funny joke.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:54 (twenty-two years ago)

It's even funnier if they always use the same joke.

A fav from Kids in the Hall:
"Shelly Long"
"Kirstie Alley"
"Shelly Long"
"Kirstie Alley"
"Shelly Long"
"Kirstie Alley"
"You're both wrong - it was Beethoven"

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:56 (twenty-two years ago)

this technique is used in the latest Sky+ advert featuring Mike Reid and David Hasselhoff. The punchline sounds made up for a joke that doesn't exist.

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm on a seafood diet.

I eat a lot of seafood.

― Keith Harris (kharris1128), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:00 (twenty-two years ago)

My dog has no nose. Terrible.

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm on a seafood diet.

Whenever I seafood I eat it.

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:05 (twenty-two years ago)

""99 nuns say "tee hee" and one says "oh my.""

No! there IS a joke behind that... will try and remember it. It's somethign about a burst condom I think...

― don (don), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:06 (twenty-two years ago)

One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session. At the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns.

She said, "There was a man in the convent last night." 99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee.

The head nun goes on, "We found a condom in the garden." Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goes
hee hee hee.

The head nun continues "There was a hole in that condom." 99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.

― don (don), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Congratulations Don, you have now fulfilled the requirements needed to pass Grade 4.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:16 (twenty-two years ago)

No no no, the joke thread is over THERE -->

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I got drunk the other night following the death of my mother.
The barman said "why the long face?"

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:17 (twenty-two years ago)

When is a door not a door?

When it is a hingeless opening or gap.

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:18 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm sure Louis Theroux or Adam & Joe or someone else similarly-minded had/has a column in The Idler magazine relating to punchlines for jokes that haven't been written yet.

A quick search reveals I'm sort of right: http://www.idler.co.uk/html/library/unfinished.htm

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:20 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm thinkin' a lot of youse guys aren't gettin the crux of this thread, hmmm?

-because he can.

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:22 (twenty-two years ago)

arr, but here is punchlines that go back to normality in a particular setting. i.e. "Ready Teddy Go" will not work. (xpost)

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:23 (twenty-two years ago)

It will if you are asking "what does Harry Redknapp say before an attacking substitution at Fratton Park?"

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Okay try again,

When is an antique urn not classified as an urn?

when it's a jar

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:27 (twenty-two years ago)

A blind man is having trouble serving soup. After a while he figures out the problem.
"That was no ladle, that was my knife!"

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:30 (twenty-two years ago)

That wasn't funny but I am trying to get whether you think of a punchline then do an unfunny preceeding bit, or think of the first patr opf the joke then contribute a po-faced unfunny punchline. Dave B's thread seemed to be the latter and this one the former, yarse?

This is confusing

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:31 (twenty-two years ago)

- "Did you ask your wife to go to the supermarket for you?"
- "No, she went of her own accord."

― clive (Clive), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Badgerkitten, your last attempt was 'in the zone'

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:44 (twenty-two years ago)

What did the big chimney sweep say to the little chimney sweep.?

You're too young to smoke.

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:46 (twenty-two years ago)

No, I can't be funny it's too damn taxing for my brane

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 14:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Its a tough game, true.

So, finally, I shall name a Bing Crosby album and a cartoon maker of reknown.

"Bing Sings" and Walt Disney.

Cheers...

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 15:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Me too. I don't like rubric threads unless I totally nail the rubric, which I don't think I do here. Ho hum.

xpost

― Dave B (daveb), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 15:12 (twenty-two years ago)

I can't think of a normalised opening part for the puncline 'because Max Factor'

― Dave B (daveb), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 15:14 (twenty-two years ago)

I hit my head on a low doorframe...I should've ducked

― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 15:16 (twenty-two years ago)

My mum had her teeth done in Poole.
In Dorset.
Yes, that Poole.

― Pete (Pete), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 15:17 (twenty-two years ago)

why was Stephanie Powers happy about Hart To Hart being sponsored by a leading cosmetics brand?

(xpost x2)

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 15:17 (twenty-two years ago)

But it doesn't work Steve; I think I've dsicovered the punchline for which there is only one way it works as a punchline, and that's to the original joke.

Dave Gorman to thread - I have a new wheeze for you.

― Dave B (daveb), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 15:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Dr. Jones: "Were you able to bend that elderly patient's dislocated arm back into place?"
Dr.Smith: "Bend it? Hell, I broke it!"

― briania, Tuesday, 20 April 2004 19:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Q: What do you call a small piece of tree that has broken off?
A: A stick.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 19:33 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.weedsmoker.co.uk/Random/Strange%20Pictures/blondebanana.jpg

― Dada, Tuesday, 20 April 2004 19:34 (twenty-two years ago)

When I dig my back garden, there's only one way it's going to end up.
Dug.

― mark grout (mark grout), Wednesday, 21 April 2004 07:21 (twenty-two years ago)

'Contestant number 2, name 3 words all containing the letter A'
'Because Max Factor'

'Remind me of the punchline of that rather amusing joke you told last night'
'Because Max Factor'

― Joe Kay (feethurt), Wednesday, 21 April 2004 08:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, I've got one!

Q: Why was the girl Pantene?
A: Because Max Factor!

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Wednesday, 21 April 2004 08:47 (twenty-two years ago)

'What three-word combination has been written repeatedly on this thread?'
'Because Max Factor'

'What punchline did Dave B say could only be used as a punchline to the original joke'
'Because Max Factor'

― Joe Kay (feethurt), Wednesday, 21 April 2004 08:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes, but I don't know the original joke. I thought I was being witty. Oh well.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Wednesday, 21 April 2004 09:14 (twenty-two years ago)

eee equals emm cee fucked.

― mark grout (mark grout), Wednesday, 21 April 2004 09:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually, that's on the wrong thread. Can you guess?

― mark grout (mark grout), Wednesday, 21 April 2004 09:24 (twenty-two years ago)

'Please stand over there while I read my lines, vicar.'

Said the actress to the bishop.

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Wednesday, 21 April 2004 09:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Why did Elizabeth Arden?
Because Max Factor

― Dave B (daveb), Wednesday, 21 April 2004 10:05 (twenty-two years ago)

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