Infidelity - why?

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I know this sounds like a stupid question, but I am curious, so please indulge me. Why are ppl unfaithful? Is it always down to the fact that their current relationship is missing something & if so, why don't they just end their current relationship? I can't believe that it's always 'because of the kids.' This is not a reason to stay in a bad relationship anyway. I have been unfaithful once in my life (when I was 18 & it wasn't a long-term realtionship) & i finished with the b/f in question the next day. In this case I was unfaithful as I met up with another boy that I liked. I wasn't very happy in the current relationship & hence the unfaithful event pushed me into finishing the relationship. I have never been unfaithful since & would certainly never dream of doing it with somebody that I loved. So what I'm asking for are experiences of this (from either side) & your opinions on the subject. (Post anonymously if that makes it easier.)

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:16 (twenty-two years ago)

for as many reasons as there are blades of grass.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Care to elaborate?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:21 (twenty-two years ago)

i would, but i have to go to work.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:21 (twenty-two years ago)

basically, what i've found over the last month, is that people who cheat are crazy bitches.*

*possibly contentious statement

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Wanting to have (stable long-established relationship) cake and eat (other sexy person) it is a common scenario, I guess. For some people being 'naughty' is fun - the danger of being caught providing spice. Oh I don't know. I agree about there having to be something lacking for one to consider infidelity. I certainly can't imaging wanting to hurt someone who I care very deeply about by shagging around, without there being something pretty fishy going on.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Wrong thread, Hulkington:

make an outrageous generalisation here

― Super-Kate (kate), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:24 (twenty-two years ago)

On that note, I think CRW has some interesting and well thought out theories on this matter

― Sym (shmuel), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:25 (twenty-two years ago)

usually for me it's that i'm bored in a current relationship, meet someone that i really like, and it just takes a while to end the relationship. which means that there is 'overlap.'

harsh, but true.

― colette (a2lette), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:27 (twenty-two years ago)

The fact that I'm happy in my relationship doesn't mean I don't want to have sex with other people. Would that it weren't so. As it is, I realise that my relationship is more important to me than casual sex, therefore I refrain from seeking sex outside it. But given the facts, the existence of infidelity is no mystery to me.

― thing of thing, Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes Sym. I would certainly be unfaithful with nary a twinge if the new guy had a shiny new Benz.

xpost

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:28 (twenty-two years ago)

jeru tha damaja to thread

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Girls do love shiny objects (xp maybe)

― Sym (shmuel), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Because it's there

― Dadaismus (Dada), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:31 (twenty-two years ago)

everyone otm

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:32 (twenty-two years ago)

except for Jeru and CRW

― Sym (shmuel), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:32 (twenty-two years ago)

OK, to add to Hulk's contentious statement up there, here are some contentious statements of my own. The chronic cheaters (rather than the overlap style cheaters) that I have known generally fall into one of two categories:

1) People who are so afraid of commitment that carrying on relationships with two or more people at a time prevents them from ever having to make the emotional choice of committing to either of them.

2) The utterly insecure. Sex for this kind of person is more a kind of compulsion than anything else. They cheat because they need to prove *themselves* still attractive, rather than finding other people attractive.

― Super-Kate (kate), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:33 (twenty-two years ago)

But surely the fact that you are in a long-term relationship is proof enough that someone finds you attractive (not just physcially) & wants to be with you.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't make me get money and platinumize my body.

― LC, Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Pink, I would think that would be the case. But I've known someone like this, who was so utterly insecure (to the point perhaps of some kind of mental problem) that this was not the case.

(Besides, relationships are problematic and comfort is cheaper (easier?) sometimes in the arms of a stranger.)

― Super-Kate (kate), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Maybe I'm different, but I could never be comforted by a stranger.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:41 (twenty-two years ago)

I have never cheated on anyone I've been in a relationship with and I'm not sure I really could. On the other hand, I have probably pulled more Other People's Girlfriends than I have single women. Make of that what you will.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Lock up yer girlfriends!

― Dave B (daveb), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:46 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, i think of myself as an overlap-style cheater, but there's probably a little of kate's number 1 in there. although, when i've been in scarily meaningful relationships, i haven't cheated. (i've just bailed. sigh)

― colette (a2lette), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:48 (twenty-two years ago)

But surely the fact that you are in a long-term relationship is proof enough that someone finds you attractive (not just physcially) & wants to be with you.

Perhaps people get worried that not just physically -> not even physically, and are interested in proving that they can still pull?

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Seriously, I think some people do infidelity to become the single person they want to be; rather than face up to the reality of dealing with a fucked up rellie and either ending it or working at it, they decide to be immature (hello men!) and shag someone instead. The may cause a drama / crisis which will bring about either the end or a better resolution - infidelity as getting over the 'look we have to talk' hurdle.

Other people might see it as a 'grass is greener thing' - all the things they perceive to be wrong with their partner, they project onto someone they hardly know; the person with whom they are unfaithful thus becomes the person they want their partner to be (hence the rapid closeness that can occur here; they are a stand-in for the real thing; an idealized perfect partner).

Others just can't keep their trousers together. Still others use it to signal that they should move on - a test for themselves. IN a simialr way, I always knew I was going to soon leave a job when I had a look at other jobs - the excuse of 'just looking' didn't wash, becasue soon, luck changed to 'hmm, maybe' turned to applying turned to leaving. Things could ahve changed that, but the base point is that you're dissatisfied enough with a job to ponder alternatives.

Difference between job and serious LTR - you don't leave it for a new one and new challenges willie-nillie - you try and make it work and explore way to do so in a way that one rarely does with jobs.

INteresting tangent - many things in life used to be for life - jobs, houses, living in a set location or area, political party supported, football team, and obviously, partners. All the others are breaking - is the rising divorce rate just another symptom of this?

― Dave B (daveb), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:54 (twenty-two years ago)

ha, we have very different attitudes to jobs, Dave.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:57 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, cheating on ppl is more passive-agressive (and hence easier) than dumping them

― Sym (shmuel), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:58 (twenty-two years ago)

or so I read in a Nick Hornby book

― Sym (shmuel), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 10:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Difference between job and serious LTR - you don't leave it for a new one and new challenges willie-nillie - you try and make it work and explore way to do so in a way that one rarely does with jobs.

So are you saying that it is ok to 'explore other avenues' before you actually finish your current relationship? If this is the case, what would happen if the new relationship you were exploring didn't get off the ground? Would you (royal you) just happily go back to the current relationship, or would move on to the next potential relationship with your current partner still blissfully unaware?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 11:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Cheating happens for men because girls have fine bums.

― Sick Nouthall (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 11:30 (twenty-two years ago)

And there are so many fine bums, sometimes you want to cup all of them gently in your hands like delicate peaches and just sigh with happiness.

― Sick Nouthall (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 11:30 (twenty-two years ago)

But yeah, I've never cheated, though I have been 'The Other Man'.

― Sick Nouthall (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 11:31 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0250901/

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 11:34 (twenty-two years ago)

That's 3 hours long! I was hoping it would be about girls' bums though.

Best bit of graffitti in the grouting in the basement library toilets = "Girls bums are lush"

― Sick Nouthall (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 11:37 (twenty-two years ago)

PP - wasn't saying I do that - was saying that the attitude I have to jobs seems to be mirrored by some in their adventures in infidelity. Was an analogy I thought of, rather than a strict homologous fit.

― Dave B (daveb), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 11:48 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, cheating on ppl is more passive-agressive (and hence easier) than dumping them

I'd agree with that. Lots of people are just too lazy and/or have too many issues to break up in a straightforward way.

― El Diablo Curmudgeonbotico (Nicole), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 11:50 (twenty-two years ago)

I liked your analogy Dave, sorry if i incinuated anything!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 11:50 (twenty-two years ago)

People suck. (xp)

― Sym (shmuel), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 11:50 (twenty-two years ago)

(The above post of mine is a complete exaggeration, by the way)

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 12:03 (twenty-two years ago)

DC - does your graffiti mail work?

― Anna (Anna), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 12:15 (twenty-two years ago)

It works, but it might be a bit tempramental... I've mailed my proper everyday work adress to your hotmail account.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 12:18 (twenty-two years ago)

I never did find out why my father cheated on my mother after 18 years of marriage. I think its because he was a rich, narcissitic asshole at that point in his life who thought he could have anything he wanted with complete disregard for his family. He wasn't always like that. Eventually the money and power caught up to him and he started fucking a teller at the bank he worked for. As expected it caused major problems and he had a nervous breakdown and ended up committed to a mental ward for 6 months. In the process we lost everything and so did he. When he got out of the ward my mother took him back in even after finding out about his infidelity. She loved the man, they spent 18 years together. Weeks later he was boinking the teller again and that was it. I should really ask him why?

― Chris 'The Velvet Bingo' V (Chris V), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 12:21 (twenty-two years ago)

I have probably pulled more Other People's Girlfriends than I have single women.

OTM. I spent most of Uni being the Other Man (in my defence I rarely found this out until afterwards). I had trust issues for a few years because of this.

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 12:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Matt v Matt FITE!

― Dave B (daveb), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 12:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Most civilized fite ever.

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 12:31 (twenty-two years ago)

"No, you fuck her, please, be my guest."

― Sick Nouthall (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 12:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh imagine, I've never been involved w/anyone single ever, really. I think I'm a NICEY NICE alternative who provides a bit of comfort at a difficult/lonely stage, it never lasts once the other person shapes up a bit

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 12:41 (twenty-two years ago)

dave b did you read my "essay" on footballer$ wive$ which i posted as a b'day present on DO YOU SEE?

― mark s (mark s), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 12:52 (twenty-two years ago)

three years pass...

WHAT'S UP WITH MARRIED MEN LATELY

― roxymuzak, Monday, 30 July 2007 20:26 (eighteen years ago)

Oh no, Roxy!

― marianna lcl, Monday, 30 July 2007 20:51 (eighteen years ago)

For real.

It's awful. Even if they're someone you like, you're just like "Oh. All the reasons I liked you just went out the fucking window."

― roxymuzak, Monday, 30 July 2007 20:53 (eighteen years ago)

Aww hon, that's so fucked up. :(

― marianna lcl, Monday, 30 July 2007 21:00 (eighteen years ago)

one's not enough for em

― Heave Ho, Monday, 30 July 2007 21:08 (eighteen years ago)

libido

― Surmounter, Monday, 30 July 2007 21:13 (eighteen years ago)

original poster never met anyone who wanted to have their cake and eat it too

― mh, Monday, 30 July 2007 21:15 (eighteen years ago)

genital

― am0n, Monday, 30 July 2007 21:16 (eighteen years ago)

Cake/Eat it was discussed upthread, I believe?

― roxymuzak, Monday, 30 July 2007 21:18 (eighteen years ago)

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