T/S: Troy v. King Arthur

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Battle of the semi-historical epics (aka Braveheart 750BC and Braveheart 400AD). Both look awful in exciting new CGI-enhanced ways.

Brad Pitt as Achilles, Orlando Metrosexual Bloomps as the Trojan prince, some way-too-orange woman playing Helen v. Keira Knightley as crazy Guinevere, crazy Merlin and a band of unknowns as the Knights of the Round Table.

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Thursday, 29 April 2004 23:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Clive Owen (phwoooooooooaaaar) as King Arthur.

― j.lu (j.lu), Thursday, 29 April 2004 23:54 (twenty-two years ago)

j.lu's said it all really.

― tokyo rosemary (rosemary), Friday, 30 April 2004 00:08 (twenty-two years ago)

brad pit is the suck. he comes acros as a total windbag in the tralier. the cgi ships and soldeirs are teh suck too. theres just to many of them. and i like clive owen a lot. so unles the guy who playd hanibal lecter gets alot of screen time in troy king arthur is the winer.

― :|, Friday, 30 April 2004 00:09 (twenty-two years ago)

oh. i only just raed that king arthur is a bruckhiemer production. so you probaly wont get to see alot of clive owen. or in fact anyone of the actors.

― :|, Friday, 30 April 2004 00:48 (twenty-two years ago)

also hans zimmer alert oyoyoy.

― :|, Friday, 30 April 2004 00:50 (twenty-two years ago)

arthur probably - keira knightley's kelovely

― cinniblount (James Blount), Friday, 30 April 2004 01:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Given the Helen myth, they really should have found someone less blandly pretty to play her in Troy. She looks kind of like an even less masculine Orlando Bloomps.

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Friday, 30 April 2004 01:20 (twenty-two years ago)

But is Helen actually anyone's ILIAD CRUSH? I totally demand Reese Witherspoon as Cassandra.

― Gregory Henry (Gregory Henry), Friday, 30 April 2004 07:21 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm imagining her stomping her foot going "Why aren't you LISTENING to me?!!?!?" a la Tracy Flick.

― Prude (Prude), Friday, 30 April 2004 07:54 (twenty-two years ago)

WHAT?!?!? Sorry, these are films?

Fuck off, if you want to discuss Mallory and Geoffrey of Monmouth vs. Homer, or Heinrich Schliemman vs. Every Archeologist In Somerset, Ever, then call me.

(Arthurian legend cycle much, MUCH cooler, intertwined with Grail Myth and ergo Knights Templar and FREEMASONS and what with providing an excuse for the opression of those nasty Anglo Saxons, yes, classic.)

― Super-Kate (kate), Friday, 30 April 2004 07:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry, I'm only interested in Derrida.

― Prude (Prude), Friday, 30 April 2004 07:58 (twenty-two years ago)

But the Normans using the Arthurian Legend as the basis with which to oppress those dirty Anglo-Saxons was the ORIGIN OF THE BRITISH CLASSWAR!!!

― Super-Kate (kate), Friday, 30 April 2004 08:00 (twenty-two years ago)

I like the way the King Arthur film is being presented in the trailer as FINALLY THE TRUTH ABOUT THE MYTH. And that truth being some shonky theory that Art was a Romang.

― Pete (Pete), Friday, 30 April 2004 08:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh for fricks sake...

― Super-Kate (kate), Friday, 30 April 2004 08:47 (twenty-two years ago)

I always laugh when English Nationalism people - not the nasty racists, just the mad ones who say things like "Scotland and Wales love to celebrate national traditions, why can't we?" - try to adopt King Arthur as a symbol of Englishness, not seeming to realise that the legend is all about him beating the English in battle.

(they also tend not to realise that St. George was actually Lebanese. Or would have been, had he been real.)

One of the earliest King Arthur legends has him invading and sacking Rome, incidentally. It's in Geoffrey of Monmouth's History Of The Kings Of Britain.

― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 30 April 2004 08:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Who should they be celebrating, then? Bad King John? Oh wait, he was a Norman and not English, either! ;-)

― Super-Kate (kate), Friday, 30 April 2004 08:54 (twenty-two years ago)

They can celebrate whoever the hell they like as far as I'm concerned, as long as they don't pick someone stupid. Like, a hero who was famous for stopping an English invasion.

Beowulf wouldn't be a bad choice. Or Alfred The Great. Maybe Edward The Confessor if you want to go for the saintly, religious angle.

― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 30 April 2004 08:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Alfred the Great would be a fantastic English National Hero!

Especially since he fought off The Danes, and then the Norman Conquest was committed by the French equivalent of the Danelaw, so it's got that whole original classwar aspect to it.

We could all burn teacakes in celebration! Now there's an English National Holiday I could get into.

― Super-Kate (kate), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:01 (twenty-two years ago)

(Except, sorry, the Norsemen/Normans were actually Norwegian pirate-vikings unlike the Danelaw, who were Danish pirate-vikings.)

― Super-Kate (kate), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Maybe we could have a big festival to celebrate Alfred The Great. Hmm. Somewhere near Athelney, where he made his Famous Last Stand against the Danes. Anyone have any suggestions as to places in the Somerset marshes which would be good for festival-holding?

― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Erm, isn't that what Glastonbury is secretly about? ;-)

Oh wait, no, that's all King Arthur again.

― Super-Kate (kate), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:06 (twenty-two years ago)

To be fair, both Alfred and Arthur are associated with the Glastonbury area. Now there's mythic resonance for you.

― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry, I'm still stuck on the idea of pirate-vikings. Arrrrrr!

― Super-Kate (kate), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:08 (twenty-two years ago)

SOunds like Troy can eat out fuc then.

― Pete (Pete), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:13 (twenty-two years ago)

I think Troy's probably a bit too weighty

(boom! boom!)

― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:17 (twenty-two years ago)

I was going to post something smutty about the Punic Wars but decided it was too Dan Perry.

― Super-Kate (kate), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:18 (twenty-two years ago)

I forsee lots of critics' jokes about (insert actor here) being the movie's Achilles heel.

― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:19 (twenty-two years ago)

A proper big epic screen version of the Illiad would be the greatest thing ever, but this is probably not that. Brad Pitt as Achilles seems like woeful miscasting. King Arthur, well, it obv won't be as bonkers as Excalibur (Merrrrrrlin).

Thinking about it, wouldn't these both be better as ridiculously high budget telly things, given as the flims are only going to be able to cover a small fraction of the stories?

― Ricardo (RickyT), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:24 (twenty-two years ago)

King Arthur kicking Rome's ass is in the Mabinogion, which is Welsher than Welsh. Take THAT, stinking Logres pigs!

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Is it? I thought it first cropped up in Geoffrey. Isn't Culhwch and Olwen the only bit of the Mabinogion with Arthur in it?

(incidentally, there's one Mabinogion character based on a real Roman emperor: Macsen Gwledig.)

― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Also Dream of Rhonabwy from the Red Book of Hergest. I definitely remember Roman ass-kicking.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, if there was an Arthurian movie type thing which depicted the "knights of the round table" et al as ACTUAL IRON AGE ROMANO-CELTIC WARRIORS rather than silly posh Medieval bastards with Rennaisance era weaponry, then I would watch it. Otherwise, suck my historically accurate left tit.

― Super-Kate (kate), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Aieee, a CORNISH KNIGHT! Run away!

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:31 (twenty-two years ago)

I will look it up when I remember where my copy of the Mabinogion is.

(xpost)

― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:32 (twenty-two years ago)

I mean, why else do you think he was called Arrrrrrrthur?

― Super-Kate (kate), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:32 (twenty-two years ago)

A super realist Arthur, with Camelot as a run down Roman city, and his knights as mad Welsh horsemen, would be marvellous. Especially if it was all in WELSH!

― Ricardo (RickyT), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:35 (twenty-two years ago)

YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! Pitch this fucker now! (Just don't let Mel Gibson get anywhere near it.)

― Super-Kate (kate), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:36 (twenty-two years ago)

After the Passion Of The Jebus, anything is possible. Though I still think hell will freeze over before I see a Bruckheimer film in subtitles.

(Mind you, gadding about in blue war paint makes Guinevere SOOOO Welsh).

― Pete (Pete), Friday, 30 April 2004 09:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Bresson's Lancelot du Lac is pretty alright if you want something true to the grinding relentless tedious horror of Malory, I'd say. Still renaissanceish, admittedly, but accurate to (non-celtic) stated aim...

I really shouldn't be going this funny inside at Prude's valley-prophetess idea. Buttons... didn't... know... had..., etc. Does anyone know who's playing Patroclus?

― Gregory Henry (Gregory Henry), Friday, 30 April 2004 10:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Some geezer called Garrett Hedlund who has never been in a film before.

― Pete (Pete), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:03 (twenty-two years ago)

massive fuckwitage alert at theny times:

The movies are all about where society is as a whole, [bruckhiemer] said. "We all want heroes now," he said. "We'll never forget 9/11. It had such an emotional impact. Our world will never be the same because of it."
He mentioned Pat Tillman, the N.F.L. player who joined the Army Rangers after 9/11 and died in Iraq in April. "We look for those kinds of lions, those heroes. They're hard to find," Mr. Bruckheimer said. "It's hard to seek out the Tillmans, the Arthurs, the Achilles of the world. We have to pick up a history book."

― :|, Thursday, 13 May 2004 22:34 (twenty-two years ago)

three years pass...

troy is...ok, the writing is actually not bad at all! esp. between berseis and achilles, if u like the pretentious theologizing. i do.

but man o man worst hair design in a film i've seen like ever

― gff, Tuesday, 12 February 2008 04:03 (eighteen years ago)

king arthur fucking rules

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 12 February 2008 04:03 (eighteen years ago)

i gave that movie a fair shot but sorry it is ass

― gff, Tuesday, 12 February 2008 04:04 (eighteen years ago)

suck my historically accurate left tit.

-- Super-Kate (kate)

ugh

― omar little, Tuesday, 12 February 2008 04:04 (eighteen years ago)

everything in ouldwe anglawande is BLOOOO and GREEEEN and COLD because THERE IS NO SUNSHINE IN THE DARK AGES

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 12 February 2008 04:05 (eighteen years ago)

The right was made of fancies, rumors, propaganda and legend.

― Abbott, Tuesday, 12 February 2008 04:05 (eighteen years ago)

no more quoting, omar

― gff, Tuesday, 12 February 2008 04:06 (eighteen years ago)

ouldwe anglawande sounds like a yoruban town

― max, Tuesday, 12 February 2008 04:10 (eighteen years ago)

seriously what is with the fucking hair in this movie

it's all like
http://clogwog.net/cenvi/fotos/Images/Adam_Curry_1.jpg

aren't there some hollywood types on ilx?? there had to have been industry lols about this or something

― gff, Tuesday, 12 February 2008 04:10 (eighteen years ago)

and helen good lord, who cast this thing

― gff, Tuesday, 12 February 2008 04:16 (eighteen years ago)

sorry gff

― omar little, Tuesday, 12 February 2008 04:29 (eighteen years ago)

five years pass...

Troy on TV right now. It ain't any good, but damned if it's not a future gay camp classic.

― the vineyards where the grapes of corporate rock are stored (cryptosicko), Saturday, 12 October 2013 15:41 (twelve years ago)

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