Wife beating / domestic violence

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Say you split up with your girlfriend some months ago because of her inability to deal with her fucked up family situation which has caused her mental health problems. Say you kind of get back together because she's been dealing with these problems because her asshole businessman father has been abroad. Say he gets back from restructuring Iraq for six months, throws the family into turmoil again, and beats his wife up, causing your ex and her 17-year old brother (say there's a 12-year old brother too, with confidence problems who, like any 12 year old boy, idolises his dad even though he makes him cry every time he sees him) to sit in the town park til 3am because they can't go home because their mum is telling them she hates them now because she thinks they've caused all the problems (they haven't). Say this man also told his wife, while he was still abroad, to get a face lift or he'd leave her. Say all kinds of things about him never being around for birthdays and school plays and stuff, calling his wife and kids stupid as a matter of course, substituting money for love and then forgetting to give them the money anyway, telling his wife she couldn't get a job and thus preventing her having any kind of independence at all in her life and causing ehr to become very bitter and fucked up and blah blah blah. Say that, in this family, you've never seen any evidence of any of the decent ways to behave that you've seen in your own, amazingly unfuckedup family over the year, like, you know, loving your kids and stuff and supporting them and such like...

Say all this...

What do you do?

― Sickamous, Friday, 30 April 2004 11:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Stay out of it. They need to sort their own shit out. Seriously, stay well back - you'll only end up getting dragged in and hurt.

― smee (smee), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Beat the crap out of him

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Before I respond, I need to know how big your living space is. ANd how tough is your gf's dad?

― LC, Friday, 30 April 2004 11:34 (twenty-two years ago)

What do you do?

From what pov? Whether you should be with your g/f? Whether you should help the family?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:36 (twenty-two years ago)

dude, trust me, it was true when i was 14 and its true now: there's nothing you can do directly to "fix" the dynamic of an abusive family (that's not your own.)

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:36 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm speaking from experience here, IMO people who are involved in domestic violence situations generally wont thank you for help (unless they ask for it, obv) - they have to deal with it themselves. Just be there to pick up the pieces and offer support - it's all you can do.

xpost. Strongo OTM

― smee (smee), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Which country are you in? If you are in the UK - which I suspect you aren't - you can get your ex's mum to call a helpline such as 0800 018 5026 (www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk - I work for them) which can provide invaluable advice, legal information and signposting. I'm sure there is a local equivalent.

― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:40 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm very much in the UK, Jerry. I'm not sure she'd want to call that number, it's a messy situation (obv.). He hit her because she hit him and told him to hit her back, or something.

People are fucking idiots.

Present company excepted.

― Sick Nouthall (Nick Southall), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Um, do you want your name on that last post???

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah. Not bothered. I hadn't logged out anyway. It's not like her dad's gonna search the ILX archives and found out I called him a cunt again. I already did so on my blog.

― Sick Nouthall (Nick Southall), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Well. like I say, the helpline workers deal with people in these situations every day, and they are very sharp and practical - I really recommend she speaks to someone there. It's freephone, too.

― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:43 (twenty-two years ago)

i would start with your g/f & her siblings. Perhaps they could contact social services (or some such) as this is not a constructive environment for youngsters to be in. If the mum is putting up with it (I mean doesnt have the strength to get out at the moment) & is being abusive towards her kids, I think you could rule her out of the equation as it stands at the moment. Perhaps the kids could tell the mum what they intended to do & see what her response was.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:45 (twenty-two years ago)

I'll pass this on. Thanks.

― Sick Nouthall (Nick Southall), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:52 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, i think the most important thing is to let your (ex)gf know that you're there for her whatever happens. and that means not getting impatient if she won't bail on her mom and the rest of the family. it generally takes a long time for people to work up to leaving, and it is massively helpful if they have a 'support network' including you and any other friends/family that they can rely on when things get heavy.

normally, i'd advise the mom to come up with an 'exit plan', but it doesn't sound like she's there yet. but your gf could make one for herself and her brothers. this is really basic stuff (change of clothes ID papers like birth certificate and other irreplacables, extra keys, etc), packed in a bag and ready to go. you could offer to keep this stuff safe at your house-- an easy way to help a lot. also planning who to stay with and when, so instead of being stuck in the park they have a place where they'll all feel safe for a little while.

more details about the exit plan can be found here (at the bottom of the page): http://www.guideline.gov/guidelines/ngc_500.html

it's aimed at doctors, but i think the suggestions for questions and advice are pretty good to look at...

― colette (a2lette), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:54 (twenty-two years ago)

She's just at the end of her first year at uni (she's been living at home for it as it's close, but is moving out for next year) and her elder younger brother is sitting his A Levels. Like I say, people are fucking idiots.

― Sick Nouthall (Nick Southall), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:55 (twenty-two years ago)

nick when i was 14-16 my best friend (the first girl i ever fell in love with too) (as well as who i lost my virginity to, but that's another story) lived with a mother who was a pill popping depresso case after she lost her son and a step-father who beat the crap out of her because he lived with a pill popping depresso case and was basically a weak, drunken fool who enjoyed taking his frustrations out on fifteen year old girls. i once saw her mouth of to him and him slam her head into a kitchen counter in front of me. i used to think i didn't "do anything" when i was that age becaue i was young and scared and inexperienced about the world and he was a giant thug who could have crushed my head like a grape. but there's really not anything you can do, other than, as people have said, continue to tell yr ex that she has to get out of the situation. she'll be indignant, embarassed, contrite, apologetic, the whole range, but eventually, hopefully, she'll listen. (alex eventually did get out of her house, unfortunately by running away, and she remained pretty well fucked up for the rest of her life.) the problem in america tends to be that its next to impossible to get anyone to "intervene" (on a professional level) unless you're a family member. abusers, in my experience, are tremendously good usually at cleaning up their act when the police/child services/social workers come calling to look into things. and unless you're the one being smacked around, you can't really file a police complaint either.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Thanks again.

― Sick Nouthall (Nick Southall), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Classic.

― merican, Friday, 30 April 2004 11:59 (twenty-two years ago)

alternately you can enact a little "street justice" while listening to schooly d.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 30 April 2004 11:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Why not, he's undoubtedly too much the big man to call the police on you.

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 30 April 2004 12:05 (twenty-two years ago)

I have passed through something like that myself and, retrospectively, I think that what did help me was particularly a friend who had had experience of family abuse herself, and had manage to leave her home. She kept repeating that I had to do the same, that the way I was growing up was not normal. that what I was going through was sick and I had to find a way to get out of it. She kept on telling me and in the end I realised it myself...it is weird, because you can feel that being regularly beaten up (for years and years, and your mother and sister too) is wrong, but in a way you feel trapped, like you could never build anything any better than that on your own.
but in the end, thanks to my friend's experience, I realized I could get out of it myself, and eventually did.
Sorry for having written so long, but it's to say that your ex-girlfriend should get to know someone who can share her experience, so the best way is probably to push her towards qualified help. Other people don't help, even if they love you, because you feel that deep down, thay cannot really understand you.I hope I haven't made this too confused...and in case, sorry, English is not my first language.
good luck to her + brothers

― softly and continuing, Friday, 30 April 2004 14:58 (twenty-two years ago)

so leading on from that post, a self-help group may be the key.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 30 April 2004 15:00 (twenty-two years ago)

just be there for her and if you're concerned for the younger ones, maybe call in an anonymous tip?

― Ask For Samantha (thatgirl), Friday, 30 April 2004 15:05 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not a fan of turning a blind eye to any kind of abuse. Resources

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Friday, 30 April 2004 15:06 (twenty-two years ago)

strongo's right about not committing to much of yourself, but make sure you keep tabs on shit till hopefully it's all good. If it's all good, she can become one of my favorite types of women, the hardened Crisis Woman. They're always smoking cigarettes on balconies at night, working things out, looking like Sarah Harmer.

― LC, Friday, 30 April 2004 15:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Nick I don't have any idea what you should do but I feel for you, man.

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 30 April 2004 15:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Firstly, my sympathy to you and the other family. Secondly, the escape plan thing is good; and so is calling social services - they aren't evil meddlers trying to break up families, they are people trying to protect other people. I'd certainly also try to get the older children to talk to their mother, if they can, try to persuade her to call any of the helplines mentioned or one of the domestic violence helplines - Women's Aid is the biggest. Any doctors or council offices or even the phonebook should get you the numbers.

You often won't get thanked for interfering, but the point of it is not to get thanked; and people do get persuaded to seek help in these ways, and thousands of them (really) do change their lives for the better every year. Refuges are pretty good places, not at all like the old images, staffed by knowledgeable people who can give help both by counselling and in loads of practical ways - benefits, housing, schools, retraining. A hundred women are killed by their partners every year in this country, and I'm absolutely certain that groups like Women's Aid save countless more women from death and/or various kinds of terrible abuse.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Friday, 30 April 2004 17:15 (twenty-two years ago)

one year passes...

I was in Accident & Emergency till 4am today because he kicked the bathroom door into his wife's head. Yesterday afternoon when we saw him he was as nice as pie. The man is fucked up in a serious way. I need sleep.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Sunday, 5 February 2006 11:31 (twenty years ago)

:-(

It's totally f*Cked that this is happening. Sorry, I feel so helpless to read about this, I can't imagine how you feel. Just wanted you to know someone was listening/reading.

― Press Rip And Give Me The MP3 Out Of It (kate), Monday, 6 February 2006 11:08 (twenty years ago)

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