Someone threatening suicide, what should I do, please?

How about suggesting that she calls the Samaritans?

tell them to go to a hospital, or that you'll take them there?

I did. She said she's been talking to them almost every day for the past week.

Thanks, Orbit.

Gabneb, I can't, she lives in a fairly rural area of the country (this might also be part of her sense of isolation) and there's no way I can get to her.

Just be there. When she is bleak and hopeless - be there. Even if you think you're saying the wrong thing - be there. When she complains or gets irritated about your being there - be there. Don't smother her in a nagging, mother-hen kind of way, but leave no doubt that you care. This is not the time to be afraid that you're paying too much attention or crossing some line -- she's not going to hurt herself because someone is caring about her.

Do you live near enough that you could go round and see her? I'm no expert in this and haven't ever had to deal with someone threatening suicide, but if the cause of her deep despair is that she feels very lonely, then perhaps a real live person turning up on her doorstep might be more comforting than a disembodied voice on the phone.

I'm clutching at straws here, really. Sorry.

Oh, xpost. I see it's fairly sorted now.

Oh, nm, I thought it said that she was AT hospital.

Oh - xpost, you're not near enough to visit her. Bugger.

this thread has made me cry.

I don't know her family personally, only what she's told me and she's very angry with them for lots of reasons. Based on what she's told me, she might have every reason to be. They've left her alone with her illness and never call her to see how she is. It's terribly complicated and I'm sure I don't have the whole story, but they (her family) appear to have a lot of probs of their own. Do you think it would be appropriate if I tracked one of them down (I think I could do this, he lives fairly close to me) to tell him of the situation? Even though it appears he's the one she has most problems with?

Fuck, I don't know if that'll make things worse.

I'm sorry Orbit, it was not my intention to upset anyone, I'm deeply upset with myself and my uselessness in this situation.

If he's the one she has problems with, then it may well make things worse (and she might blame you).

How about calling 999? If you really fear she may harm herself, then the police could call round and see her to check how she is (since she lives in a quiet rural area, and they may have a Community Beat Officer)

There may be some useful info here :

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/suicide.htm

Does the isolated rural area have a pub? Would the landlord/landlady know her and her family? Might they alert a neighbour, who could go round and knock on her door?

(I live in an isolated rural area, and this is the sort of thing that would happen in a village like this)

Thanks for the advice, CJ, but I don't know is the answer. I'll check it out and see. She doesn't go out much so I know she doesn't know too many people near where she lives. That was part of her rage too - the fact that she hardly knows anyone where she lives so it doesn't matter if she tops herself, no-one will be affected.

I'm sorry if this all sounds so negative, but IT IS. I've tried to suggest all of this to her and she has negative answers to almost everything. I really would like to get a member of her family involved, I'm too scared of what might happen and too unqualified to try to deal with this on my own. It's shitty cause it's the weekend so I can't even phone her GP who's name she's mentioned so I wouldn't have a prob tracking him down.

Maybe you could contact a counselor and ask for advice? There are lots of places who could help you to help her, even if she's not willing to get in touch with one.

If you find the phone number for her GP, ring it anyway. You'll be put through to the out-of-hours locum GP or possibly to Healthcall or equivalent company who provide weekend doctor cover. I've found them to be very helpful in the past when I've tried to get hold of a doctor out of hours, and if you explain the seriousness of the situation they may be able to pass a message to her GP or get him called out.

I need to get offline to call her and try some of these other things. Thanks for your help.

Does the isloated rural area have a church? Whether or not she's religiously inclined, the local vicar (or his wife) would surely pop round to check she's okay?

I'm wracking my brains trying to think how someone in a similar position would be helped in our village. She might think she doesn't know anyone because she doesn't go out much, but you'd be surprised how community-spirited a lot of these rural places are, if only someone would alert people/neighbours to the fact that someone is having a crisis. I bet if they only knew, they'd rally round if they thought they could help.

You are doing an excellent job of being conscientious, thoughtful and concerned. I commend you for that.
When I have been very depressed, I have always appreciated having someone who 'just listened.' After a while of complaining and fretting (the time can really vary) I would often start to realize some illogic in my sadness.
But if this person is very depressed, they may not see any logic in anything potentially positive and the best thing someone can do is listen until the thoughts eventually become a little bit more positive for them.
(I'm not a Christian or anything, but I would like to say a little prayer for you if you don't mind. If you think it would be wierd, I won't.)

Thanks, Mike. When I phoned her, there was no answer and I freaked. I managed to track down another brother who lives quite close to her and spoke to his wife. I explained everything and she tried to tell me her side of the story. I don't want to get involved in family stuff and had to fight hard to stay polite and to emphasise that it's quite rare for someone to threaten suicide lightly. Anyway, after about 10 minutes she said she'd get her husband to go check on her. I tried calling her again, and she answered this time. She said she'd been out for a bit and sounded a bit more together. I was too scared to tell her I'd phoned her family. I know she's gonna go mad when she finds out but I don't think I'd an option.

I feel fucking frantic with all this. I just managed to get hold of one of my mates I tried to call earlier. She's a psychoanalyst and she reckons I did the right thing. She said that if she is annoyed with me for involving her family, I should say that I took her threats seriously and couldn't be expected to do nothing.

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing too. Maybe you should tell her that you've been in contact with her brother, so that she hears it from you rather than from him or his wife. After all, you only did it because you cared about her and wanted to help.

Also you need to remember that if things do go wrong, you are not to blame. You are doing your very best to help, by the sounds of things, and you need to remember that and try to keep yourself sane as well.

It sounded in my last post that I was trying to cover my own ass or was afraid of her anger, I just meant that I hope I don't make it any worse or upset her further by involving people she doesn't want involved.

Although, if I'm completely honest, it's a relief to have someone else looking out for her. I've also got mixed feelings about why she chose me particularly to reveal her suicidal thoughts to. Again, if I'm honest, it's almost overwhelmingly daunting to be entrusted with stuff of this magnitude. I'm not sure if I would be able for a sustained period of this. Damn, that sounds so selfish but I can't deny how it's making me feel.

There might be some good ideas here, too, anon -->

Tonight I helped an non-ILX friend who attempted suicide

suicide

Hang in there btw!!

Surprise her. Ask her what she thinks will happen when she dies. Ask her what she expects to achieve by dying [without being pejorative or judgemental, of course].

Bringing her attention to these factors and inviting her to speak about them, openly and without criticism, will force her to comprehend the full weight of suicide. Simply raising the point is probably the most helpful thing you can do, even if she doesn't want to discuss it.

Does the isloated rural area have a church? Whether or not she's religiously inclined, the local vicar (or his wife) would surely pop round to check she's okay?
YES! If you know if she has some religious background, try getting in touch with a clergy person from that faith/denomination in her town. Most clergy from larger churches are specifically trained in counseling. If you don't know or if she doesn't have any religious background, just get the yellow pages on line and call a minister/priest/rabbi in the town and explain the situation. They may also be able to refer you to someone. Sadly, even smaller towns have to deal with problems like this more and more.

Also you need to remember that if things do go wrong, you are not to blame DON'T FORGET THIS! You aren't responsible for the actions of others, but you may, through your compassion, be responsible for helping them through a dark time.

Good luck!

I'm not sure if this will be any help to you or whether the crisis is over now. Anyway, this is what I've been trained to do with suicidal clients. You need to look for people they have in their life who can help them. You are one of those people and you've done the right thing looking for relatives who may be able to help.
One thing that's good to do is to assess the risk that she will do something. There are some signs like giving away their stuff, someone who was depressed but suddenly seems calm may have made up their mind to kill themselves. If I were speaking to her on the phone I would be asking whether she has attempted suicide in the past, how she tried then and what happenned. Asking questions about her suicidal tendencies will not strengthen her resolve to kill herself so don't be scared of that. It's important to know if she has past behaviour and a plan. If she does she is high risk. One thing you can do is make her promise to call you or someone else before she attempts to kill herself. If she does ring you after she has taken tablets or whatever you need to ring an ambulance immediately. Remember if she has been ringing the Samaritans then they are trained to deal with suicidal people. The most you can do is support her right now. Some things you might want to do when talking to her are to look at what she has to live for and how others might be affected by her death. This might feel a bit intense for you though. An important thing to avoid is being dsmissive, telling her she's being silly etc. For most people this is just common sense. Reflecting what you hear her saying is the best strategy. Whatever happens you have been a great friend by just listening.

You did the right thing getting others involved. In no way are you capable of dealing with something this serious by yourself, with no access (physically) to the person. If she is angry with you, let it go. Chances are she will thank you when she is seeing things more clearly. Take care of yourself - you are a very good friend...

It sounds like you're doing the right thing, and getting lots of good advice here too. It's good she has a friend like you. Sometimes just knowing that *someone does care for you* can make a difference.

Thank you all for your advice, it helped make me feel a little more confident in dealing with the situation. It also made me accutely aware of how unprepared most of us would be/are when confronted with something like this and how useful and appropriate it would be if there was some kind of education in this area in the latter stages of secondary school or something.

I got a call from her brother's wife late last night to say they'd been around and she's safe. So I'm hugely relieved. I had spoken to her before they'd been and I'm now pretty convinced she hadn't planned to carry it out but that she was screaming out her loneliness, sense of isolation and despair and her physical unwellness. All those things still remain and I promised I would talk to her and try to make some practical suggestions or help pave the way to her getting more help, support and general contact with the outside world.

What I don't want (because I wouldn't have the strength to be honest) is to have her feel that I've become responsible in some way for her well-being/mental health so I will have to find ways to get that across to her without her feeling that I'm going to abandon her.