Things you rarely get to do but that happen all the time on TV.

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I've never shaken my fist at another person in anger. I have never (Yet) disowned any member of my family after a disagrement by saying "I have no brother/sister mother etc and i have never had a new teacher introduce themselves by writing their names with great flourish on the board.

However, I did once get to say "This isn't what it looks like" when caught in a compromising position. And just like in the movies, it wasn't.
Shit thread but I'm bored beyond thought, sorry.

― Paul Kelly (kelly), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 07:50 (twenty-two years ago)

live happily ever after

― the surface noise made by people (electricsound), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 07:52 (twenty-two years ago)

fuck

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 07:53 (twenty-two years ago)

take a drink of coffee, have someone tell you something shocking and/or surprising, spit out plume of coffee.

― clive (Clive), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 07:55 (twenty-two years ago)

I have never answered the question "where are you going?" with "Out!" and then slammed the door.

― MarkH (MarkH), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 07:55 (twenty-two years ago)

drive dangerously without consequences

― the surface noise made by people (electricsound), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 07:59 (twenty-two years ago)

I did say "listen, I think you should sit down" before telling my ex that her best friend had died.

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:04 (twenty-two years ago)

I rarely have to pause after sentences to allow extended laughter and applause to die down.

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Drive rapidly into the rear of another automobile, causing my car to simultaniously fly and flip while nuns run for their lives!

― Speedy (Speedy Gonzalas), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:08 (twenty-two years ago)

I almost always finish my drinks, not like in Neighbours.

― Enrique (Enrique), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Rattle the button on my phone while shouting "operator" into the mouthpiece.

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:11 (twenty-two years ago)

when my friend is done telling me something, very rarely do I say "thanks for that report Dan. In other news...". So much of what is wrong in my life can be traced to this fact.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:14 (twenty-two years ago)

sit down to a tasty looking meal, then get up and leave the table for some reason (argument, emergency...) never actually eating the meal

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:18 (twenty-two years ago)

got my half-sister pregnant

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Climb into cars through the window in a dukes of hazzard style.

― hmmm (hmmm), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Torture iraqis.

― hmmm (hmmm), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Wake up bolt upright in a cold sweat after having a nightmare.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:23 (twenty-two years ago)

solve crimes

― the surface noise made by people (electricsound), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:23 (twenty-two years ago)

receive parting gifts

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:24 (twenty-two years ago)

have lunch in cafes every day of the week.

― clive (Clive), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Acquiesce the populace into a stupor of individual capitalist mediocrity.

― hmmm (hmmm), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:27 (twenty-two years ago)

oh i do that all the time

― the surface noise made by people (electricsound), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:28 (twenty-two years ago)

well, please stop. You are ruining everything.

― hmmm (hmmm), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:29 (twenty-two years ago)

have an ominous orchestral sting be played before something terrible happens to me.

― clive (Clive), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Suggest Brazilian.

― JimD (JimD), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:31 (twenty-two years ago)

"It's a thought, but I'm in the mood for Chinese really"

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:36 (twenty-two years ago)

move back into an area i used to live, after being dead for 5 years.

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Slam a bloke's head into a fence and shout "YOU'RE NICKED!"

― robster (robster), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Brush my teeth with no toothpaste, even when I just hyped the shit out of the very tube I'm holding in my other hand.

― LC, Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:46 (twenty-two years ago)

get pulled on rollerskates by some dogs on strings. while i'm on.

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Suggest Brazilian.

i did this recently. everyone laughed. everyone.

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Consult on the finding and purchasing of houses for well-heeled young London-based couples.

― robster (robster), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Ordered a drink in a bar and sat there talking to the barman who is so engrossed in my woes he doesn't notice that I haven't paid. Nor have I ordered a bourbon nor had the gall to tell him to "keep 'em coming".

― dog latin (dog latin), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 09:03 (twenty-two years ago)

no one claps and cheers when i enter the room.

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 09:05 (twenty-two years ago)

(just when i leave)

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 09:05 (twenty-two years ago)

had Underworld start playing whilst experiencing wall-eye vision after doing drink/drugs.

― dog latin (dog latin), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 09:05 (twenty-two years ago)

i did this recently. everyone laughed. everyone.

I did it too. Nobody heard me. Fucking Vosene!

― JimD (JimD), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 09:06 (twenty-two years ago)

no one claps and cheers when i enter the room.

This has happened to me at a FAP, though I think it was ironic.

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 09:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Finished a phone conversation and then just hung up - without saying "bye" "see ya" etc..

nor

called anyone with a 555 prefix.

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 11:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Skijumping

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 11:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Finished a phone conversation and then just hung up - without saying "bye" "see ya" etc..

I think I've mentioned this before on another thread but I love trying this when i'm at work, it makes me feel all big and that.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 11:40 (twenty-two years ago)

I did once get to say: "Hi, is that Heidi. This is Anna. I'm your sister."

― Anna (Anna), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 12:06 (twenty-two years ago)

ok, this one's my fave:

having a crush on someone for ages, then finally getting the courage to tell them, and you go up to them and start to talk, but they talk at the same time. after a bit of "ooh, ah, you go first", "no, you", it's decided that they should speak first, and they go on to tell you about some other guy they have a crush on. that's the shiznit, yo.

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 12:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Sit at a table with everyone all on the same side.

Replace a family member with a look alike.

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 12:28 (twenty-two years ago)

storm into a room screaming:

"WHICH ONE OF YOU BIZZITCHES IS MY MOTHER?????"

― chris (chris), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 12:34 (twenty-two years ago)

i think i understand why my life feels so dramatic at times: apparently i do a lot of tv things that aren't normal.

my fave is that my old car (a big old american 2 door) was entered and exited dukes of hazzard style during the summers when the windows were kept down.

does this make me weird?

― colette (a2lette), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 12:34 (twenty-two years ago)

I have never fallen through a bar when trying to impress a lady. I have, however, fallen near one.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 12:36 (twenty-two years ago)

aaronhz otm

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 12:37 (twenty-two years ago)

had the sound of cutlery get imperceptibly louder during an uncomfortable moment at dinner

actually wait that's totally happened.

how about: had an entire conversation while facing away from someone

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 12:42 (twenty-two years ago)

why hasn't anyone done a parody thread yet? "things you do all the time that never happen on tv?"

#1 take a shit

or has this been done?

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 12:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Skipping 85 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

I've never walked into a room full of swinging meat hooks only to back out and bump into a knife wielding maniac.

― Rumpy Pumpkin (rumpypumpkin), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 08:56 (twenty-two years ago)

called anyone with a 555 prefix

I did that last week - a local car hire company. The number was 555 0555, I think.

― caitlin (caitlin), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 09:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually, surely "going on a date" with someone is just a quaint tradition that only happens in American sitcoms?

-- dog latin

Oh gawd, DON'T TRY IT!

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 09:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Michael Winner has never driven into the back of my new car and told me to "calm down dear, it's a commercial". If he did, I'd probably smack him round the ear with my handbag.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 11:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never seen a white van go careening into fruit/news stands.

I've never conveniently bumped into the computer nerd in high school when I needed to break into the grades database in the main office.

― Jocelyn (Jocelyn), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 12:50 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never woken up in the morning with perfect makeup and brushed hair and leaned over and kissed Bloke passionately.

And I never tuck the bedsheets under my arms when I'm in bed to hide my breasts.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 13:23 (twenty-two years ago)

but have you ever wrapped yourself in a sheet when you get out of bed so that the person you just had sex with doesn't see you naked?

― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 13:28 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never been in a restaurant where a waiter stumbling and dropping his tray triggers a fight throughout the entire joint.

(I have been in a food fight in a cafeteria, but I was twelve at the time.)

― j.lu (j.lu), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 13:38 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never had an in depth conversation in my very middle class house with my very middle class friend about the benefits of combining all my existing loans into one easy to manage pit of sorrow and spiritual turmoil.

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 13:43 (twenty-two years ago)

i have never had a new teacher introduce themselves by writing their names with great flourish on the board.

You should come to one of my classes. I always do this

― Joe Kay (feethurt), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 13:44 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never kissed and touched up a girl without getting a visible hard-on.

― don (don), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 13:51 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never gone to bed with somebody, had mad passionate sex then put my underwear back on, fixed my hair and make up, got back into bed and had a cosy post coital chat....

I've never been able to make men swoon purely by letting my hair down and removing my spectacles - which actions, as we know, make even the most hideously ugly women irresistable....

― smee (smee), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 14:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Desire - sexuality - love: that class of thing.

― the bluefox, Wednesday, 19 May 2004 14:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never been given 24 hours to close the case by a reluctant police chief.

― Adam Faithless (Adam Faithless), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 14:04 (twenty-two years ago)

I never do anything.

― NA (Nick A.), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 14:06 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never lived in a pool house.
Nor been taken in by a rich family, thereby turning me into the kid from the wrong side of the tracks who must defend his/her honour for a few episodes before all the other kids accept me for who I am.

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 14:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Nor driven a motorcycle indoors or even through a glass window into a house/mall/swimming pool.

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 14:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I really thought Americans went on dates all the time.

My rich/caring friends don't come around to fix my alcoholism after I got drunk once (cf 90210, 7th heaven)

― cuspidorian (cuspidorian), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 23:25 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never had a couple of hours to travel through time gathering important peeps in order to complete my history project for the term or fail and go to military school.

― Frank Swedehead, Thursday, 20 May 2004 06:26 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm typing this from a train and realised that unlike TV films, mobile internet connections using mobile phones are slow, unlike in 24, where jack seems have T1/LAN speeds from a phone. They also never get disconnected for no reason.

― Dave B (daveb), Friday, 21 May 2004 14:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Dave, can you send that over to my screen?

― dave225 (Dave225), Friday, 21 May 2004 14:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Whenever I'm being questioned by detectives at my workplace, I usually don't try to keep on about my business, loading boxes, walking down hallways, etc.
Also, when exchanging important technical information with lowly engineers, I try not to have us shouting at each other in a noisy industrial area.
Also, when ordering chinese food, I usually don't get a dozen boxes for myself.

― sexyDancer, Friday, 21 May 2004 14:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Sent it before you'd even finished typing that post. I downloaded a movie in like 10 seconds too. I've also just heard the feds banging down my door. Luckily, I've been able to encrypt the entire 80Gb hard disk in 12 seconds. Result!

― Dave B (daveb), Friday, 21 May 2004 14:40 (twenty-two years ago)

32 Proper Family Christmases I've had now without anyone dying, being born, getting married, serving up divorce papers, finding out they were adopted, etc.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 21 May 2004 14:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Never won a game of pool due to the fact that all the balls, as luck would have it, are situated right in front of all the pockets.

(ie this happened on Neighbours tonight)

― Ste (Fuzzy), Friday, 21 May 2004 17:41 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never done the "slow clap." Not with anybody joining in, anyway.

― briania (briania), Friday, 21 May 2004 17:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never assumed a serious face and said solemnly "we need to talk".

(Great thread by the way!)

― Crackity (Crackity Jones), Friday, 21 May 2004 18:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Ha ha, I did the slow clap after a particularly horrible preview at the movies a couple of weeks ago. Sarah (my girlfriend) was embarassed.

― NA (Nick A.), Friday, 21 May 2004 18:00 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never found a suitcase full of money, or gotten amnesia from a bump on the head only to get my memory back from another bump on the head.

― Salmon Pink (Salmon Pink), Friday, 21 May 2004 20:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never had an opportunity to say any of the following phrases which I love in non-facetious moments:

"And so we enter...ENDGAME."
"And so it begins."
"Well, looks like the tables have turned, my friend."
"So, we meet again [insert international man/woman-of-mystery's name here]."
etc.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Saturday, 22 May 2004 20:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Have a 2-way conversation with my enviable high-tech car.

― Crickets Dance On Tequila Booty (Barima), Saturday, 22 May 2004 21:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never been involved in a deadly game of cat and mouse.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Saturday, 22 May 2004 22:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Nor have I ever played by my own rules.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Saturday, 22 May 2004 22:10 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never had a wisecracking sidekick with whom to share my adventures.
I've never had a long, expositional conversation with someone who is intimately familiar with the topics at hand just to bring those around us up to speed.

― BanjoMania (Brilhante), Saturday, 22 May 2004 22:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I have never:

Gone on a school field trip to some far-flung European destination.
Gone on a family vacation to some far-flung European destination.
Gone on a school field trip to some far-flung destination, period.
Gone on a family vacation to some far-flung destination, period.
Had enough money to afford an endless variety and selection of clothing.
Been summoned to someone's bedroom during an emergency situation looking impeccable in a silk nightgown and satin house coat.
Left my homework on the kitchen counter to be picked up as I flew through said kitchen and out the door to school.
Had a mother who fixed my bag lunches first thing in the morning. (Whether it was my mother or myself, lunches were always prepared the night before.)
Had a grandmother who could bake (and thus could provide me with homemade cookies or similar for an after school snack).
Been nervous or jittery while practicing to try out for the school play.
Actually tried out for the school play.
Had a school that actually put on a "school play".
Had a school that actually had a swimming pool in it.
Hung out my laundry outside to line dry.
Had a friend who waltzed into my house whenever, whenever.

― Those Beautiful Lines (Dee the Lurker), Sunday, 23 May 2004 05:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I have also never:

As a young child, been an embarrassment to my uptight grandparents.
Schemed to sneak out of the house and "into the city" for a big concert event featuring my favorite artist.
Entered and won a contest (where I'd end up doing something to embarrass myself).
Experienced "romantic tension" with someone who at first appears to be my biggest antagonist but then slowly begins to get closer to and with me.
Dreamed a rather sizeable segment of my life.

― Those Beautiful Lines (Dee the Lurker), Sunday, 23 May 2004 06:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never been in a house where every room has three walls joined at 135° angles, and everyone always faces the missing wall whilst talking.

― You're the Wish You Are I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 23 May 2004 06:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Never won a game of pool due to the fact that all the balls, as luck would have it, are situated right in front of all the pockets.

I've lost one for that reason.

(I think we were playing doubles, but my partner didn't even get to come to the table because one of our opponants cleaned up and won on his first visit)

― caitlin (caitlin), Sunday, 23 May 2004 09:35 (twenty-two years ago)

"Had a school that actually had a swimming pool in it."

When I lived in upstate New York (and by that I mean, "30 minutes away from Canada upstate NY") the school I went to fourth grade in had a pool, two gyms, a huge library, two art rooms, a tennis court, and a planetarium.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Sunday, 23 May 2004 09:45 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never had a blind person feel the contours of my face to find out what I look like

― Joe Kay (feethurt), Monday, 24 May 2004 13:37 (twenty-two years ago)

i've done a surprising amount of these things.

not the more action/adventure types, but plenty othas.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Monday, 24 May 2004 14:01 (twenty-two years ago)

especially the corny lines.

'course i say 'em with implicit quote marks -- tho whether others notice is their problem not mine.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Monday, 24 May 2004 14:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I have never succombed to throwing my hat to the ground and stamping all over it in blind rage.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Monday, 24 May 2004 14:14 (twenty-two years ago)

then you haven't lived.

― g-kit (g-kit), Monday, 24 May 2004 14:15 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never given someone a hug then made an "I feel guilty about something" look over their shoulder.

Any smelly weird old men I've spoken to have never turned out to be wizards, time-travellers or my long lost Dad (who is neither long nor lost).

I've never killed someone else's pet and tried to replace it with an almost* identical copy.
*almost=there's one crucial difference that'll give me away.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Monday, 24 May 2004 14:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I have never stolen a horse/bike/ferrari/pizza truck etc. to make it to the airport/train station/harbour/spacedock in time to stop my ONE TRUE LOVE, that I have of course only just finally figured out is such, from leaving me FOREVER (or at least for a school term or so.)

― Kim (Kim), Monday, 24 May 2004 14:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Sadly, I have never managed to make an ATM randomly spit out cash (at least that was not deducted from my account) because I entered a secret, arcane code.

Fortunately, I have never returned from the restroom with a streamer of toilet paper stuck to my shoe.

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 24 May 2004 14:59 (twenty-two years ago)

I have never met a rapping granny, nor have I met a wisecracking child who didn't get a slap for being such a sassy little smartass.

― dave225 (Dave225), Monday, 24 May 2004 15:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, my school had a swimming pool in it too. They've filled it in since I left, though.

― caitlin (caitlin), Tuesday, 25 May 2004 08:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Sadly, I have never managed to make an ATM randomly spit out cash
I have done this. Well, I didn't make it, it did it all by itself, but I didn't sit around and agonise about what was the right thing to do with the money it gave me (about £100). I was on my way to a party so I spent the money on beers and smokes and was the hit of the evening. Hurrah!

Nothing I have done or said has ever caused life in another time line to change dramatically, as far as I know.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Tuesday, 25 May 2004 08:45 (twenty-two years ago)

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