Roland Garros 2004

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Aiiie! Ouah, ouah!

Is it really a whole earth year since Ms P and I baked our napes atop Court Chatrier as Mariano, Younes, Serena, Barbara, Andre and Xavier slid, scooped, flailed and nudged their way through eight sets of clay-court combat a zoom lens below us? Yes, it is. Really.

So, it's practically time for La Plume De Ma Tante Est Dans L'Abre Francaise Ouvrir Du Salle De Bains!

On the Messieurs side, Roger F was in devastating form in Hamburg recently (Lawrie McM has expressed interest), inflicting G Coria's first clay-court defeat since Verkerk wore him down in Paris 2003. But RF has a rotten Garros record and Kuerten lurks in round three. Grosjean and Nalbandian are also in his quarter.

As for the Dames, people are whispering, "Amelie." Certainly, she should reach the semis where (a possibly below-par) Henin or whichever of the Russians pops out of the other quarter will be waiting (Sharapova?). Who knows what to expect from Ser and Ven?

Martina N has entered the singles at the age of 47 and if she can get past Gisela Dulko, Conchita Martinez - who beat her in her last competitive GS singles match (the 1994 Wimbledon final) - will be waiting in r2. I bet Conchie hasn't slept since the draw was made.

I'll be cheering on Zsofia Gubasci in the final round of qualifying today. Zshe's zfrom zHungary.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Saturday, 22 May 2004 07:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Hi Mike. I'll keep an eye on what's happening here but for me clay court tennis occupies the same place on the totem pole as one-day cricket, so I won't be clogging the thread like with the Oz or 'Wimpleton' (rhymes with Simpleton?), as some NBC ignoramus called it back in 2001, causing a courtside Chris Evert Lloyd to almost utter an audible obscenity.

My bet is NBC audiences will get their highlights from (rhymes with Poland) (rhymes with Paris) every night.

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Saturday, 22 May 2004 07:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I was waiting for this thread! One last exam on Tuesday, and then I can devote ALL MY TIME to the season of real, live tennis at normal times. And clay-court tennis has to be my favourite of all.

Rumours have been starting to circulate that last year's king Juan Carlos may be forced to pull out due to wrist/rib injuries. I think it's got to be down to either the Fed or Coria, with it ultimately being dependent on how Fed plays.

On the women's side... whoever holds up physically and mentally. It's intriguing, because all the leading contenders have a question mark over their form. JHH has just recovered from a virus akin to glandular fever. Serena has been rather listless on clay since her comeback. Venus and Mauresmo have been playing outstanding tennis, but Venus is carrying an ankle injury and Mauresmo... well, we all know what happened last time she went into RG after dominating the clay season. *cough* Jana Kandarr *cough*

My own favourite, Princess Anastasia, has the Draw From Hell: Molik in round one, Mandula in round three, Sprem or Kuznetsova in round 4, Venus in the quarters.

The qualies are all about superkids Shuai Peng and Nicole Vaidisova (at least until the latter - straight outta Prague, 14 years old, six foot tall - imploded in the last round against some Yank scrub).

― The Lex (The Lex), Saturday, 22 May 2004 08:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh yeah, and watch for the potential Schnyder-Martinez round three match... their match in Charleston this year was one of the biggest bitch-fests I have ever seen on court. Conchita wanted to use the same ball she'd won the last point with, but Patty kept getting to them first and either putting them under her skirt or hitting them into the crowd, before trying to nail Martinez with a volley. They yelled at each other across the net, and at the end Patty put her hand out for the handshake... then withdrew it at the last minute, while giving Martinez a piece of her mind. Then called Conchita a "nasty player" in the press conference.

― The Lex (The Lex), Saturday, 22 May 2004 09:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Hmmm....would have figured Batty Patty had had too much trouble keeping her mind in one piece in the first place to be handing out bits of it with such gay abandon.

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Saturday, 22 May 2004 09:45 (twenty-two years ago)

That's why she lost the match innit.

― The Lex (The Lex), Saturday, 22 May 2004 09:51 (twenty-two years ago)

That would have been my next question: who won that Battle of the Orotons?

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Saturday, 22 May 2004 09:56 (twenty-two years ago)

MJ - when I was in London, JtN gave me a copy of his Papercuts in which you had written an article on Boris Becker - I loved it! Can you write more, like, maybe, a book, on tennis please?

― cozen (Cozen), Saturday, 22 May 2004 14:32 (twenty-two years ago)

A six foot 14-year old GIRL?!

Holy Christ, I'm scared.

― Crackity (Crackity Jones), Saturday, 22 May 2004 16:25 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.itftennis.com/shared/medialibrary/image/gallery/IO_2508_gallery.JPG

Official WTA interview with Ms Vaidisova here. Apparently she's already hooked up with the same people who manage Venus Williams and Andy Roddick.

Not much interest among the qualifiers - Gubacsi and Peng both let us down, and instead we get a load of boring Americans. Sigh.

― The Lex (The Lex), Saturday, 22 May 2004 16:46 (twenty-two years ago)

(Thanks for the kind words, Cozen. I'm not really a writer though, except in four-second bursts when stoked on Ribena. Glucose gonzo.)

This is just a bump while I clean the oven. Shame about Zsofia.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Sunday, 23 May 2004 12:24 (twenty-two years ago)

It's clearly France Day in France; aside from the star-spangled Dockstader-Shandy cruncher later, there's at least one Fronchee in every showcourt match today.

Just can expect a Test, but I don't foresee any such probs for Ags (though he's shakily returning to the tour) or Dave N Port (though she's up against the Fronchest of the lot - Virginie Pichet). Hennes is up in ten minutes vs Saulnier, a match he could well struggle in.

Worth getting a ground pass for: Corretja-Gambill, Sargsian-Ancic and Schwartz-Sharapova (age still less than seeding - like Wayne R and his squad number - but not for too much longer).

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 07:51 (twenty-two years ago)

This tournament is going to play havoc with the last vestiges of my revision. Hrmph. For once, though, I am grateful to the Henperson - I don't feel in the slightest bit tempted to watch Eurosport for him...

JHH a break down already against the Test Tube. Ooh.

― The Lex (The Lex), Monday, 24 May 2004 08:25 (twenty-two years ago)

HenHar making heavy weather of Sandrine - blew a chance to serve it out just now at 6-4 5-3; meanwhile the Henbot is making a sprint straight for the grass court season - down a set and a break to Cy.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 09:39 (twenty-two years ago)

The glossary is already being warmed up...

― William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Monday, 24 May 2004 09:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I am very happy this thread exists. I hope it remains comprehensible to anyone who isn't Will, Steady Mike and Fred though :)

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 24 May 2004 09:49 (twenty-two years ago)

I think the glossary should be saved until the tournament is over - like the notes at the end of 'The Waste Land'.

― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Monday, 24 May 2004 09:51 (twenty-two years ago)

J-Hen through 6-4 6-4, though it seems as if it was a bit of a scuffle in the end.

The scoreboard has gone bonkers in the Safina v Schruff (!!! - there's someone called Schruff!) match. It is ignoring the existence of tie-break scoring, and has now gone back in time twice. It's likely that Safina choked at some point, though.

Barbara Schwartz, erstwhile conqueror of Venus here an eon ago, couldn't solve a problem like Maria and became the first woman out to the tune of 6-3 6-0.

― The Lex (The Lex), Monday, 24 May 2004 10:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Henman, fighting like a particularly well-bred dawg, up a minibreak in the 3s tb vs CS Lewis, down two sets. TH's best hope may be CS Gas's hand injury, for which he received treatment a few games ago.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 10:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Hand injury? Bah. Oh well, another set at least without the temptation to watch TV, maybe I can actually start revising!

Agatha down a set to a qualifier called Haehnel. Eek. This hot on the heels of an opening round loss last week to Zimonjic.

Grinning Greg seems to have set his sights firmly on the green grass of Queen's - surprisingly good performance in the first set against Verdasco, but he lost that in a TB and appears to have disintegrated somewhat.

― The Lex (The Lex), Monday, 24 May 2004 10:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Thimmy ripped through the breaker seven-two; shame in a way, cos I'd have put money on him for SW19 if he'd lost in three here (cf. Edberg in '90, Federer last year, Sampras at some point, prob). But I'm, er, kinda conflicted about that so he's saved me the trouble.

Elsewhere, Agassi is a set down and Rusedski is a set and 0-5 vs Verdasco. Poor Greg. No wonder his signature Donnays were going so cheap at Lillywhites.

xpost!

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 10:47 (twenty-two years ago)

I can't eat lunch until this bloody Chicken-Legs match is over, because lunch = my break from revision, and I therefore get to watch TV, but I refuse to waste that on Timothy bloody Henman!

― The Lex (The Lex), Monday, 24 May 2004 10:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Henman levels it as two sets all, meanwhile AA is on the RAC vs a man ranked 271 in the world. Is Andre's rollercoaster trundling into its final trough?

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 11:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Good lord, Rusedski didn't win another game - 6-7 0-6 0-6, serving no aces. He really is trying too hard to throw the drug testers off his scent, isn't he?

Paradorn S, who's interested in buying a stake in Tranmere Rovers, through in four; Sears-Roebuck struggling to hold at the start of the fifth vs Thamble.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 11:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Aggers' opponent is none other than Cyril Sautnier, who gave the Poo a scare on the way to his final spot at last years Wimbledon.

My comment then and now: when you find yourself losing to people called Cyril, it must be time to jack it in.

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Monday, 24 May 2004 11:38 (twenty-two years ago)

B-but that's Henman's opponent, Fred.

Is this top-300er playing the match of his life or is Mr Graf just have a 'mare? He's only made 11 unforced errors according to the statz.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 11:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry, my mistake. But the conclusion still applies.

That unforced error count does seem low. Maybe that's AA's trouble: he's trying to play too safe and waiting for this Mr X to get all over-awed and lose it. Maybe their definition of an 'unforced error' is more forgiving than elsewhere.

Maybe the count just needs updating. Notice now it's 13, only a couple more than opponent Jerry (who isn't one, despite a last name which suggests otherwise).

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Monday, 24 May 2004 12:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Dr Dre is out, Timbelina is through in five.

Serra-Spadea looks like a cracker - nearing four hours, Eric has the match in his grasp at 5-1 in the 5th.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 12:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Shovelea stays in, then has Serra (who presumably is 'Eric') at 15-30 on serve.

Of course that other Eric (the one created by Michael Palin, who may or may not have been loosely or not so loosely based on Geoffrey Boycott) had a thing about 'shoovels'.

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Monday, 24 May 2004 12:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Guido can't quite flop over the line - Leon is hanging on at 4-5 in the 5th. They've passed the four-hour mark - this is all I ask of outside court dingdongs.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 12:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Eric has match point. Vince may need more than a Spear & Jackson no 7 to dig himself out of this hole.

Check scores, only to find it's Vince's ad.

Check again, it's his game. Back on level terms in the fifth.

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Monday, 24 May 2004 12:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Nikita breaks him again - it's five-all in the fifth element. Mental!

xpost

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 12:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Spadea follows up very quickly to go to 6-5, now 'Ayrton' Serra is serving to stay on court.

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Monday, 24 May 2004 12:29 (twenty-two years ago)

...which Ayrton manages to do, not at the first attempt. 6-6.

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Monday, 24 May 2004 12:33 (twenty-two years ago)

GoldenEye serving to stay alive again at 7-8, Starry Starry Night eyeing a remarkable recovery as the clock hits 4h28.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 12:45 (twenty-two years ago)

It's Vince, jilting Penny again, 9-7 in the 5th.

Elsewhere, La Mesmo is off and running: 5-2 up vs Server Nova.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 12:50 (twenty-two years ago)

I am really really shocked at Agassi!

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 24 May 2004 12:53 (twenty-two years ago)

And that's it. The Shovelman's thru, 9-7.

Que Serra Serra.

Meanwhile, some character called Lars Burgsmuller is in the process of losing the third after winning the first two against the only slightly less amusingly named Nicolas Mahut.

(I don't know exactly what 'burgsmulling' is slang for, but it sounds like it either is illegal or should be.)

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Monday, 24 May 2004 12:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Agatha's final 2004 clay court record consists of two losses to players ranked below 200, then. Maybe you needed those warm-ups more than you thought, Andre.

First women's epic is underway - Mar-wee Serna leads Mpaperfolding 7-6, having saved two match points at 5-6.

Dokic is losing, but that's pretty much a given these days.

― The Lex (The Lex), Monday, 24 May 2004 13:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Roddy blew a break in the first vs Mountain Man Martin but prevailed in the breaker and now has a lead in the second. No double shock on Chatrier then. Demental given a first set scare vs DoubleIc but nicked it in the 'seven point thing' (as Rob B called it in Highbury Fields last Saturday).

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 14:59 (twenty-two years ago)

You'd think that if you were 6-0 5-0 30-0 up in a match, you'd pretty much sewn it up, right?

A moment's silence for Lubomira Kurhajcova, who proved otherwise today against Mona Lisa* and who must be feeling really, really bad right now.

Bepa through for the loss of just two games, Dock Itch out after giving up the ghost midway though.

I never thought I would be reduced to cheering on a man like Todd Martin, but this is what Dickhead makes me do.

*most un-apt nickname ever, but it's only Day 1. I'm going to make like J-Hen and say my nicknaming skills will improve as the tournament goes on.

― The Lex (The Lex), Monday, 24 May 2004 15:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, and Chandra Levy has withdrawn and is replaced in the draw by one Tzipi Obziler. That's her real name, folks.

― The Lex (The Lex), Monday, 24 May 2004 15:06 (twenty-two years ago)

A moment's silence for Lubomira Kurhajcova

Good God, I wasn't following that one. Well done, Baxter.

Oh, and Chandra Levy has withdrawn and is replaced in the draw by one Tzipi Obziler.

I have a new favourite.

Dick at triple set point vs Toddpullel.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 15:10 (twenty-two years ago)

We may have little scope for variants on Poup/Poop/Scud/etc this year - driven round the Horna, 1-6 first set.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 15:13 (twenty-two years ago)

But Horna! Imagine the fun we can have with that. Variants on 'horny' await.

God, even seeing the Dickhead's name on the scoreboard makes me angry. Grrr.

― The Lex (The Lex), Monday, 24 May 2004 15:14 (twenty-two years ago)

And the Demented Diva has dropped the second set 1-6 against Ic-Ic... who may be the first Bosnian to play a Grand Slam ever. Maybe she was inspired by their Eurovision entry!

― The Lex (The Lex), Monday, 24 May 2004 15:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Voltchkov triumphed deep into the gloaming, 11-9 in the 5th; La Frenais and Suntory will have to come back tomorrow, forced off at 21:30ish CET (5-5, 5th) to a chorus of boos, no doubt.

Court 1 is the place to be tomorrow; resisting the hype (hey, she only won the French twice), Martina N is only third on the third best court, following a possible epic in Shuttle-Neptune and preceding Growl vs Squeak (Lleyts takes on Joe Pasq).

Defending champ Ferrero might find himself grappling with the twilight - his tricky tie with Daagen-Haas is the fifth rubber on Chatrier.

Come on, Roger!

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 24 May 2004 20:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Roger massacres the Maaseiker for the loss of four games; another pair of emphatics like that and you'd start to fancy him against Bandy. No probs for Mary Peters. Just wait till she gets to the shot put.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Tuesday, 25 May 2004 09:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Emma Freud's dad and Benny Santini are back at it on Lenglen - 8-7 in the fifth with 5h03 on the clock! I'm hoping for another geologically-long Randy-Younes epic here.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Tuesday, 25 May 2004 10:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Good God, this match has survived two separate internet connection failures - Fabrice now serving for it at 12-11 after 5h45.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Tuesday, 25 May 2004 10:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Skipping 369 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

My, that was quick, Lex. I'd say the luckiest Slam winner ever is still Conchita Martinez.

― edward o (edwardo), Sunday, 6 June 2004 16:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Martinez didn't have a cramping, hobbled opponent on the verge of collapse spinning in puffball serves.

I'm BITTER.

― The Lex (The Lex), Sunday, 6 June 2004 16:07 (twenty-two years ago)

True enough (I cite that one because I remember YELLING AT THE SCREEN due to what I perceived were appalling line calls at crucial times but can't remember) and the scoreline of this one will deceive people who browse the results... I wanted Gaudio to win but not like this.

― edward o (edwardo), Sunday, 6 June 2004 16:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Plus, ya gotta give the man props for actually forcing Coria to the point where the cramps were an issue. He could have folded a la his former continental counterpart Marcello "The Tanker" Rios and just given up.

― edward o (edwardo), Sunday, 6 June 2004 16:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Perhaps the Pinefox should start a thread: Guillermo Coria won't win The French Open 2005.

Roland Garros has certainly had more than its fair share of these sort of finals - Borg-Parun in '74, Lendl-McEnroe in '84, Agassi-Medvedev in '99; McEnroe, in my limited experience, was actually once the master of the whole misplace-the-genius-and-stop-competing* thing - Wembley final vs Connors in '81 (not even sitting down at the change of ends, but walking to the other end of the court and staring weirdly into space for 90 seconds), Aussie qf v Zivojinovic in '85, etc.

(* - OK, after seeing Lex's posts I'm prepared to concede that he was maybe more physically hindered tham I assumed; but loss of condition [if that's what it was rather than a strain] after playing just 16 sets en route to the final and leading 2-1 today after just 90-odd minutes? There has to be more to it.)

I'm glad that we saw a match (since the stratospheric heights of Goran'n'Pat at Wimb 2001 we've only one had men's GS final in 10 over three sets) and especially glad that its rather farcical extension meant live coverage on the Beeb after the interminable Whittaker Horsey Garbage threatened set to leave us with 15 mins of highlights.

Nice to see The Belgian Little And Large win the men's doubles; Olivier plays the straight man as Xavier lurches in dressed as Brel/Bertrand. When they hang their rackets up there's always panto.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Sunday, 6 June 2004 16:19 (twenty-two years ago)

At the start of the tournament I quite liked Gaudio, by the end of the final I couldn't stand his bad hair, bad teeth, general fugliness and lack of game. The third set was key though... Coria took it too lightly, Gaudio ground it out, and then the match had a whole different complexion. God, this was supposed to be the dream end to the dream tournament... and grr, grr.

Anyway. Roll of honour.

Men's singles: Gaston Gaudio
Women's singles: Anastasia Myskina
Men's doubles: Xavier Malisse and Olivier Rochus
Women's doubles: Virginia Ruano Pascual and Paola Suárez
Mixed doubles: Richard Gasquet and Tatiana Golovin
Boys' singles: Gael Monfils
Girls' singles: Sesil Karatancheva
Boys' doubles: Pablo Andujar and Marcel Granollers-Pujol
Girls' doubles: Katerina Bohmova and Michaella Krajicek

Yes, that's Michaella Krajicek as in Big Rich's half-sis.

Sesil Karatancheva is a feisty little thing... at the Indian Wells tournament in March, she played with the big girls and let's just say... she has a mouth on her, as shown by the press conference of the year.

― The Lex (The Lex), Sunday, 6 June 2004 16:19 (twenty-two years ago)

OK, 17 sets.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Sunday, 6 June 2004 16:20 (twenty-two years ago)

loss of condition [if that's what it was rather than a strain]

I still don't know exactly what it was... there was suggestion that he'd strained a calf muscle, and he wasn't cramping up every point which would be normal for cramps... it just looked like he lost control of his legs completely. He couldn't push off to serve, he couldn't run, and at times he fell over the service line while preparing to serve without even realising. It got better in the fifth set, but not much.

― The Lex (The Lex), Sunday, 6 June 2004 16:27 (twenty-two years ago)

So - Sesil K - I take it she got her ass kicked off by Sharapova? She sounds bonkers. I must ask my friend Elitza what she makes of it all (she's Bulgarian but also a fan of Magui Serna).

Oh, well, I hope we see G'mo - mind and body repaired - on the grass during the rest of the month. This has somehow managed to be the lengthiest tennis thread ever (I was going to say 'most popular' but, y'know, it's mostly been the Musketeers [Edward O = Brugnon, btw]).

Au revoir.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Sunday, 6 June 2004 16:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm normally an ILM-type-person who didn't have time to read ILE but but but but THE NICKNAMES! POWERLESS TO RESIST!

― edward o (edwardo), Sunday, 6 June 2004 16:44 (twenty-two years ago)

This is the only ILX thread I've had time for lately, especially with ILM being rather dull.

Sesil did indeed get her ass kicked off by Shaz, though it went to three... other notable Sesil Sayings include "I'm nowhere near that bad" when faced with the inevitable Kournikova comparisons and, most recently after her Paris victory, "I am not going to shut up. I will say what I want to say. I'm fun to talk to and I will keep going."

She's the taller girl below.

http://www.novinite.com/media/images/2004-06/35495.jpg

― The Lex (The Lex), Sunday, 6 June 2004 16:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes, well played sirs. And in memoriam:

ILM FRENCH OPEN 2004 PATENT DEMISTIFIER

SImply input your codified nickname of this choice to the page search in IE or Word or whatever and all should be revealed below:

The French Open - La Plume De Ma Tante Est Dans L'Abre Francaise Ouvrir Du Salle De Bains
Lawrie McMenemy - Lawrie McM
Serena Williams - Ser, Ree, The Incredible Hulk (Fuchsia Version), Williams Jr, The Fuchsia Hulk, Rena, Serene, Renes
Venus Williams - Ven, Vee, Shocking Blue, The Other One, Vene
Conchita Martinez - Conchie
Roger Federer - the Fed, Roger, Fedz, FedEx
Justine Henin-Hardenne - JHH, Just, HenHar, J-Hen, Justi, The Queen
Anastasia Myskina - Princess Anastasia, Mystikal, The Contessa Anastasia, Mysky, THE PRINCESS, Nasty, Myski, Nastya, :amplitude modulation:, Miss Skinny, Mysk, Fievel Myskowitz, Lady Miss Kina
Patty Schnyder - Batty Patty
Todd Martin - Dockstader, Mountain Man Martin, Toddpullel
Andy Roddick - Shandy, Roddy, Dickhead, Dick, Randy, Pandy, A-Rod, Sandy
Sandrine Testud - Test, the Test Tube
Lindsay Davenport - Dave N Port, Big Dave, Porter Stout
Tim Henman - Hennes, the Henperson, the Henbot, TH, Thimmy, Chicken-Legs, Timbelina, Man of Hen, Henmo, The Henblokey, Timbody, Henzuki, Timothy, Henners, Timmers, Timbot, Timid Timothy, Henbo, Little Timmy-Wimmy, Thimbo
Cyril Saulnier - Cy, CS Lewis, CS Gas
Andre Agassi - Agatha, AA, Mr Graf, Dr Dre
Greg Rusedski - Grinning Greg
Mark Phillipoussis - the Poo, Poup/Poop/Scud/etc, The Big Ouzo
Jerome Haehnel - Jerry, this Mr X
Vince Spadea - Shovelea, Nikita, Starry Starry Night, The Shovelman, Spadey
Florent Serra - Eric, GoldenEye, Penny, Ayrton
Amelie Mauresmo - La Mesmo, Mesmo, Resmo, La Fabuleuse, Amy, Beefy
Ludmila Cervanova - Server Nova
Magui Serna - Mar-Wee Serna, Nice Little Serna
Akiko Morigami - Mpaperfolding
Elena Dementieva - Demental, The Demented Diva, Ellie The Demented, Dementia, Menko, E-Dem, Iris, Ele, Extinction Level Event, Demented, Dr Elena Russell, Mentis, Dementor
Mervana Jugic-Salkic - DoubleIc, Ic-Ic
Lisa Raymond - Mona Lisa, Everybody Loves Raymond, Mondo Raymondo
Jelena Dokic - Dock Itch
Vera Zvonereva - Bepa, DoubleVera
Chanda Rubin - Chandra Levy
Arnaud Clement - La Frenais, Emma Freud's Dad, Arnie, Arnie Clem
Fabrice Santoro - Suntory, Benny Santini, Santa, Fab Fabrice, Fabric, Marathon Man, The Man Who Couldn't Be Arsed Going Home
Rainer Schuettler - Shuttle, Rainy
Xavier Malisse - Neptune, X-Man, Lisse, Xav-Xav, Xavy, That Belgian Guy, Dr X, Xav, Avier
Lleyton Hewitt - Lleyts, Growl, Chewitt, Llonelly Lleyt, The Llonely Boy, Ver Llout, Ffurious Bball Of Rruddy-Ffaced Hhate, Hewie Llewis, Lleytz, Llout, Lleyt, McMillianand, Bob
Arnaud di Pasquale - Squeak, Joe Pasq., the Squeaker
Tommy Haas - Daagen-Haas, the pinball wizard
Kristof Vliegen - the Maaseiker
David Nalbandian - Bandy, the Bandy Andean, Nalbo, Bandemonium, Nalbuphine, Nal, St Alban, Bandeon, :due north:
Mary Pierce - Mary Peters, Mary P, La Diva, Quite Contrary
Younes El Aynaoui - Younes
Daniela Hantuchova - Infinite Legz
Shinobu Asagoe - Asagoinggoinggone, Shinobu Dragon Ninja, Revenge Of Shinobu, Shin
Barbara Schett - Schitt
Klara Koukalova - K-Kou, Klara Kouk-A-Doodle-doesn't
Claudine Schaul - Clouds
Tzipora Obziler - Zippy Tzipi
Shenay Perry - She-Ra Perry
Martina Navratilova - the Nav, the Ageless One, the Ancient Wonder
Gisela Dulko - Gorgeous Gisela
Elena Likhovtseva - The Threshing Machine, The Boozehound
Alina Jidkova - Ali Najid
Jennifer Capriati - Ford Capri, JenFat, JenEvenMoreFat, JenRiati, Fatriati, Cappifer, J-Cap, The Sunshine Stater, JC, Jenria, Capri, JennyCat, Jen, Cap, Cappers, Crapriati, Jenti, Jandy Capp, Craprak
Yulia Beygelzimer - all-nite laser-discotheque bakery !Baygel Zimer!, the girl from the Uke, Bagel
Gaston Gaudio - Gaudy, the Galloping Gourmet, the Architecto, GG Allin, GG
Guillermo Canas - Castanet
Pete Sampras - Pistol
Mats Wilander - MW
Nadia Petrova - Nadia's Pet Rover, Pet
Yuliana Fedak - FedAk
Paradorn Srichaphan - Paradigm
Alex Corretja - the Correktja, 'etja
Lars Burgmuller - Burger Muller
Luis Horna - Lena Horna
Galo Blanco - DJ Porridge, HM Slade's oldest inmate
Anabel Medina Garrigues - Funky Cold Medina
Tathiana Garbin - Tax, Tax Breaks
Olivier Mutis - O I Must, O I Can't, The Man from Metz, Mut, Larry, Olly, Moo Tea, Mutey, Os Mutantes, Mu-Mu, Ollyollyolly, Mutya
Maria Sharapova - Shari-La, Shaz, The Future Of The Women's Game, The Future, Shap, Sharap, Shari, Masha, Ave Maria
Fernando Vicente - Gil Vicente
Irakli Labadze - Georgia Porgia
Michael Llodra - Llodratron, Metal Mickey, Llods
Nicolas Massu - Busty Chilean Massu (New In Town)
Vladimir Voltchkov - Wor Vlad
Julien Jeanpierre - Julie & Jean-Pierre
Meghann Shaughnessy - The Redemption Kid
Vera Douchevina - The Douchebag
Dinara Safina - Little Miss Marat
Marissa Irvin - Missy Irvin
Magdalena Maleeva - Maggie M, Maggie, The Magster, Milk-Snatcher
Albert Costa - Costa del Bert, Costa Brava, Bert, the Dirty Old Man, Alby, Cosworth Power, Costa Brava
Nicolas Kiefer - Sutherland, Keef
Ai Sugiyama - Boom Crash Sugiyami
Patty Schnyder - Batty Patty
Kim Clijsters - Mrs Llonely Boy
Potito Starace - Spud-U-Like, the Star Ace, General Kettle, Our Stacey, Wedges, Mister Potito Head, Starjumps, The Potito Man, Old Chipolata
Sebastien Grosjean - Seb, Big John
Juan-Carlos Ferrero - JC
Maria Kirilenko - Kirikirilenko
Thomas Enqvist - Tommy E
Jonas Bjorkman - Vespertine Man
Conchita Martinez - Cowchita Mootinez
Juan Ignacio Chela - 'ela, Heyla Chela, Iggy, Hey-Ya, J-Ig
Marlene Weingartner - Marlene on the Wall, Marley Marl, I Never Promised You A Wine Garden, Wine Bar
Guillermo Coria - Wee Willie, G'mo, The Pimp
Mario Ancic - SuperMario
Myriam Casanova - The World's Greatest Lover
John van Lottum - JVL Multitool
Anna Smashnova-Pistolesi - The Smash Pistol
Gustavo Kuerten - Guga, Kuert, Final Kuerten, Gusty, Tavo, Chesterton, Gugz, Curtain
Elena Bovina - The Bovine One
Martin Verkerk - Captain Verkerk, Ver Kerk, Best Loser
Igor Andreev- Handy Andy, Dreeeev
Julien Benneteau - JJ Bendytoes
Hyung-Taik Lee - Half-Decent Lee
Marat Safin - Saffy, Saffron, Jean-Paul, Maratski, Saffo, Saffie
Stefan Koubek - Kouhoutek
Franchesca Schiavone - Frankee, Sheer Voney, FranSchi, The Greatest Tennis Player In The History Of WCW
Fabiola Zuluaga - Fabulous Fabi, Fabby-O-La, Fabs, Fabz, Bantustove, Zulu
John McEnroe - JPMc, The Dubenroe, Mac
Jie Zheng - Zheng-A-Leng, JieJie
Svetlana Kuznetsova - Svet's Life, Kiss Kiss, Sweaty Couscous, Couscous
Paola Suarez - Crisis, THE DARK HORSE, Suari, Kelly "Pao-Pao! Pao-Pao!" Marie, Paolita, Francisco, 'Ola
Nicolas Escude - Scu
Tommy Robredo - Robbo, TomRob
Feliciano Lopez - Lici
Carlos Moya - Jackal
Roberta Vinci - Veni Vidi Vinci
Olivier Rochus - Rochus Superior

UNKNOWN - Sears-Roebuck, Thamble (poss. Radek Stepanek & Vladimir Voltchkov)

― William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Sunday, 6 June 2004 16:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Sears-Roebuck: Cyril Saulnier (CS...Sears, tenuous); Thamble - why, that's our glorious British hero, compared unfavourably to a doll on Play School.

Also: those discounted boozy Russians was the doubles team featuring Likhotseva (I obviously love this joke and will make it forever).

But, still, a staggering effort. Well done, WBS! I actually thought we'd reined in the nicknaming a bit this year, but...no.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Sunday, 6 June 2004 17:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Aye, you might have done. Unfortunately, I got rather over-enthusiastic this time round. Let us just hope Shinobu Asagoe never does anything of note again.

I am sensing a Wimbledon FAP might be an idea.

― William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Sunday, 6 June 2004 17:32 (twenty-two years ago)

But Shinobu is so cool!

Awesome glossary action... and a Wimbledon FAP sounds like a good idea if it's possible at all. I'm still not sure when I'll be up in London... I'm thinking of going on the first Tuesday (queuing for ground pass), though I have yet to ask various people if I can crash on their floors on Monday.

― The Lex (The Lex), Sunday, 6 June 2004 17:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Coria choked as far as I could see, they were breaking each other's services on the fifth weren't they? (the BBC started showing highlights and then they passed over much of the fifth set to get to the live action) and I just think he lost his nerve.

Coria was 2-0 up. He should've won the third set I'm afraid. But gaudio has come back in matches throughout the tournament and he really deserves it.

Wimbledon FAP would be nice, I've never been as I'm usually just stuck in front of the telly for two weeks. Hope to make it if anything happens.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Sunday, 6 June 2004 18:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, it's not as if he waltzed into the final - he beat three seeds en route (Hewitt, Nalbandian and Novak) plus Canas and Enqvist (hardly no-marks) and pasted the guy who beat Ferrero. There's hope for everyone now, or the top-100 journeymen class at least; next year's Slam winners: Jarkko Nieminen, Flavio Saretta, Wayne Arthurs, James Blake. (That's a bit harsh on Blakey).

No redemption for Coria - banned for doping offences in 2001-2 (though his defence was the same as Rusedski's), his body seemed to fall apart under pressure.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Sunday, 6 June 2004 20:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Jiri Novak - NOW IS YOUR TIME.

― William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Sunday, 6 June 2004 20:56 (twenty-two years ago)

What an extraordinary match. I don't know what happened to Coria but I he's grown in my estimation - not just a great player but a bit of a hero too. Well done to GG though - his ecstatic smiles were fantastic.

― Crackity (Crackity Jones), Sunday, 6 June 2004 22:04 (twenty-two years ago)

(More erratum: sorry, I didn't spot that Likhotseva was more or less covered above. Nikita was Serra, not Spadea; Serra was also Leon, Spadea was also Guido. I reckon we covered around 115 players out of 256 in the main singles draws. Let's make sure EVERYONE gets a cryptic mention at Wimbledon!)

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 7 June 2004 08:38 (twenty-two years ago)

'Wimbledon FAP would be nice, I've never been as I'm usually just stuck in front of the telly for two weeks.'

sorry what I meant by that is I'm usually an armchair fan but if there's anything and I can turn up then I'll try (how do people find the queuing, is the second week at evening time any easier?).

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Monday, 7 June 2004 08:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Couple more:

Ivan Lendl: Sandshoe Face I
Andy Roddick: Sandshoe Face II

Thanks everybody and see you at Wimbledon.

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Monday, 7 June 2004 09:00 (twenty-two years ago)

It's good to go late afternoon during the firts week when there is still a lot of tennis going on but people leaving after a whole day there.

― Ed (dali), Monday, 7 June 2004 09:08 (twenty-two years ago)

ok, so what time do you start queuing?

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Monday, 7 June 2004 09:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Ed OTM - there are so many matches in week 1 that they go on till late anyway. Go at about 5.30, queue for not too long, get a good 2 1/2 to 3 hours play. It's great.

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 7 June 2004 09:27 (twenty-two years ago)

It's a bit of a crapshoot - I've walked straight in at 5pm on the first Wednesday/Thursday in the past with only the merest hint of a queue and yet last year it was all the way around the car park at 6-ish on (I think) the same day so there was no point even trying. Henman had won in straight sets early in the afternoon but people had stayed in the grounds. A day when the weather's been a bit iffy but has miraculously cleared up at 6pm is ideal - you can get a resale ticket for Centre no problem.

Ground entry in week 2 is easier (and cheaper) but you'll only see doubles, veterans and juniors unless you fancy requeueing for the unreserved seating on courts 3 and 18 (the less glamorous 4th round singles on the 2nd Monday).

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 7 June 2004 09:40 (twenty-two years ago)

thanks for the info everyone.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Monday, 7 June 2004 09:45 (twenty-two years ago)

What I'll do is look at the schedules and weather forecast for the first week to decide on the day (first week).

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Monday, 7 June 2004 09:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Ground entry in week 2 is easier (and cheaper) but you'll only see doubles, veterans and juniors

The advantage to this is spotting all the super-talented juniors two years in advance, then being really smug when the rest of the world cottons on.

I'll be queuing from about 8am for a ground pass... it's probably the last year I'll be able to go all day, got to make the most of it.

― The Lex (The Lex), Monday, 7 June 2004 10:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Why would you want a centre court, ticket, Mike? Especially in the 1st week when so many of the seeds play on the outside courts. Seeing qualifiers being thrashed to love by Serena Williams isn't my idea of a good time - I'd rather see the world no. 23 being beaten by a luscious nobody from Paraguay out on court 18.

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 7 June 2004 10:38 (twenty-two years ago)

'Thamble'!

― the junefox, Monday, 7 June 2004 10:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Why would you want a centre court, ticket, Mike?

Bragging rights? I know, I always used to stare in disbelief at folks queueing AGAIN for CC and #1 returns after spending hours shuffling along the pavement just to get in the place when - right there for free - they could see Andres Gomez or Cedric Pioline or Natalia Zvereva or whoever. BUT, the day I did it in 2000 it had been on-off drizzling for a couple of hours and only the showcourts looked likely to get back on before dusk - so for £3 I got to see the end of Enqvist-Damm on Centre.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 7 June 2004 11:21 (twenty-two years ago)

I thought that only a DERBY TRIUMPH guaranteed you authentic BRAGGING RIGHTS. You must be thinking of something else. GLOATING VOUCHERS, perhaps?

― the pinefox, Monday, 7 June 2004 12:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Smug tokens? Redeemable at Esso garages for a superiority complex wallchart. I do have some time off around Wimbledon - I might be perverse this year and go early on the second Thursday just for a wander around. Back in time for the Euro2004 semi, obv.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 7 June 2004 12:15 (twenty-two years ago)

The trouble with those wallcharts is they're so... complex.

― the pinefox, Monday, 7 June 2004 12:21 (twenty-two years ago)

I dehypenated just for you, PF.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 7 June 2004 12:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Aargh.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 7 June 2004 12:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Men's doubles: Xavier Malisse and Olivier Rochus

-> I love how the French papers didn't even mention their names assuming the French *fwogs* would win. HAH! (That said: I'm not that fond of Malisse.)

― jesus nathalie (nathalie), Monday, 7 June 2004 12:51 (twenty-two years ago)

The new world rankings for the men (entry system, natch):

1. Federer
2. Roddick
3. Coria
4. Nalbandian (up 4)
5. Henman (up 4)
6. Ferrero (down 2)
7. Moya (down 2)
8. Schuettler (down 1)
9. Agassi (down 3)
10. Gaudio (up 34)
11. Hewitt (up 1)
12. Massu (down 1)
13. Grosjean (down 3)
14. Srichaphan (down 1)
15. Safin (up 5)
16. Schalken (down 1)
17. Philippoussis (up 1)
18. Chela (up 5)
19. Novak (down 5)
20. Pavel (up 2)

Other movers and shakers: Kuerten is up from 30 to 24; Verkerk drops from 19 to 55; Costa also plummets and Llodra climbs. Oh, look, I've just broken their database server.

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Monday, 7 June 2004 15:09 (twenty-two years ago)

And the rankings for the LAY-DEEZ:

1. Henin-Hardenne
2. Clijsters
3. Myskina (up two)
4. Mauresmo (down one)
5. Davenport (down one)
6. Dementieva (up four)
7. Capriati (down one)
8. Williams, V (up one)
9. Suárez (up five)
10. Kuznetsova (up one)
11. Williams, S (down four)
12. Petrova (down four)
13. Sugiyama (down one)
14. Zvonareva (down one)
15. Sharapova (up five)
16. Farina Elia
17. Smashnova-Pistolesi (up one)
18. Rubin (down three)
19. Schiavone
20. Schnyder (down three)

....

=993. Navratilova, M (new entry)

(M-Nav shares the No 993 rank with (drum roll) Ana Abramovic, Essi Laine, Adriana Mingireanu, Raluca-Ioana Olaru and Florencia Rivolta. Back among tennis's best, clearly.)

― The Lex (The Lex), Monday, 7 June 2004 15:57 (twenty-two years ago)

I tried to watch the coverage of Queens' today. It was like the sunshine had evaporated the atmosphere. But Rusedski is out. Which can only be a good thing.

― William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Monday, 7 June 2004 19:50 (twenty-two years ago)

did karlovic go through? I love karlovic.

― cozen (Cozen), Monday, 7 June 2004 19:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Ivo-9 is through after three sets of hell with The Airwolf (warming up already? Bien sur...).

But it was a good day for shocks - Strapping Aussie Wayne Arthurs straight setted by Non-Strapping Non-Aussie Yen-Hsun Lu, Brit wildcard Jon Marray gets rid of Rochus Inferior, Toddly Reid didn't lose, but, best of all:

Taylor Dent lost to Jamie Delgado.

― William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Monday, 7 June 2004 20:15 (twenty-two years ago)

OK, enough with the nicknames though, please. there should be a dvd-option to turn them off. if only graham had stuck around. sorry, I'm just warm and grouchy.

― cozen (Cozen), Monday, 7 June 2004 20:31 (twenty-two years ago)

LAST POST DEMISTIFIER

In order:

Ivo Karlovic
Jan-Michael Gambill
Wayne Arthurs
Yen-Hsun Lu
Jonathan Marray
Christophe Rochus
Todd Reid
Taylor Dent
Jamie Delgado

― William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Monday, 7 June 2004 20:32 (twenty-two years ago)

hehe thank you. :)

― cozen (Cozen), Monday, 7 June 2004 20:37 (twenty-two years ago)

I love these threads but am far too scared to contribute. You all know SO MUCH!!!

So I will lurk once more, just pausing long enough to ask why no-one has used Biff Bang Paola! as a nickname yet. I like making these up but lack the nerve to use them in a tennis related post. Possibly because I stopped religiously watching tennis at the tail end of the magnificent Swedish triumvirate (Edberg, Wilander, Jarryd).

And I would second what Cozen said about Mike's article in Papercuts. It's grebt, and then some. Specifically because it's what I thought about tennis back then, but written by someone who could articulate it.

Much like this thread is now.

― ailsa (ailsa), Monday, 7 June 2004 20:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I would third what I said.

― cozen (Cozen), Monday, 7 June 2004 20:45 (twenty-two years ago)

I said it first!

― the bellefox, Monday, 7 June 2004 22:07 (twenty-two years ago)

(Moderator: please lock this thread)

― Michael Jones (MichaelJ), Tuesday, 8 June 2004 07:18 (twenty-two years ago)

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