Does anyone else dislike themselves so much they think they shouldn't be in a relationship because they would be ruining someone else's life if they were?

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I just kind of wanted to know how common this feeling was. Like, specifically, does anyone else encounter the paradox that the more you like someone, the more you feel you ought to sit back and encourage them to develop other relationships, because you aren't the best they could get?

― anonymous2, Friday, 18 June 2004 09:42 (twenty-two years ago)

No one's that bad a person. I see a major problem with your self-esteem.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:45 (twenty-two years ago)

I have been in this place, but I'm not now thank god. Utimately, you have to trust the other person to decide how lovable you are.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh yes, but I'm also selfish enough to go ahead and get involved anyway.

― N. (nickdastoor), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I guess this is why one tends to drink. Because then this voice of 'reason' is drowned out. Under those conditions you can establish relationships. And then it's too late. You shouldn't have done it, but you did. Which is good. If you don't drink, you just do nothing. I mean, drinking isn't good. But the idea of overcoming my self loathing simply through an act of will, to the extent that I could impose myself on someone else, seems priggish and dishonest.

― anonymous2, Friday, 18 June 2004 09:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think I'm that bad. But I have experienced that awful feeling of "oh my god, you're too good for me" and driven the person out of my life accordingly. It's a terrible place to be. But sometimes being loved by a person you feel more worthy than you can actually make you realise how worthy you are. One would hope.

― Apostrophe Catastrophe (kate), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Self-loathing takes time to overcome, but believe me, you're not as flawed as you think you are. No one is.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:49 (twenty-two years ago)

But isn't 'trusting' the other person to know whether you are loveable or not tantamount to betraying them? I mean what if they're a nice person, and after all, you know yourself better than they do?

― anonymous2, Friday, 18 June 2004 09:49 (twenty-two years ago)

It's not nice being on the driven-away side either.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:49 (twenty-two years ago)

You also don't know yourself that well, though, because if you hate yourself than your self image is probably very askew.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:50 (twenty-two years ago)

this thread otm

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:50 (twenty-two years ago)

" I have experienced that awful feeling of "oh my god, you're too good for me" and driven the person out of my life accordingly"

exactly

― anonymous2, Friday, 18 June 2004 09:51 (twenty-two years ago)

You have to acknowledge that 'I am a bad person' is NOT an objective statement. Kate is very OTM with sometimes being loved by a person you feel more worthy than you can actually make you realise how worthy you are.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:53 (twenty-two years ago)

But why aren't you good enough for this person? Maybe they can see your qualities perfectly (& love you accordingly) but you have a blurred vision of them (& hate yourself accordingly). There are things about myself that I dislike, but my b/f loves them, this is no way makes me think he is better than me!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:55 (twenty-two years ago)

i do feel this, even right now as i'm entering into another one. never has the desire to not be a horrible person been so great.

― are 'friends' electricsound? (electricsound), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Does not thinking you're a horrible person make you an insensitive, solipsistic, arrogant git?

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:57 (twenty-two years ago)

I've been on the receiving end of the "we can't be together, I'd fuck you up and ruin your life" line before and it kind of depresses me that someone could feel that bad about themselves. But mostly my response is a faintly indignant "I'LL be the judge of that, thank you very much".

Also, everything everyone else has said above.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:58 (twenty-two years ago)

not really. i don't think most people think they're horrible. perhaps they don't really think about that side of things at all

(xpost)

― are 'friends' electricsound? (electricsound), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:58 (twenty-two years ago)

So, you can turn this into a positive. being a relationship and feeling unworthy can make you try harder to be 'worthy' - of course, you are almost certainly perfectly fine in the first place, but nothing wrong with wanting to be the best person we can be. As long as we DO something about it rather than dwelling on NOT (yet) being that person...

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:59 (twenty-two years ago)

So what is it they're thinking Jim?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 18 June 2004 09:59 (twenty-two years ago)

i have no idea, but i encounter few people who give the impression they don't like themselves

― are 'friends' electricsound? (electricsound), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Often the feeling of self-doubt and self-hatred is hidden away, tho. Some of them are even afraid of being loved, granted compliments, favours etc.

― edward o (edwardo), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Kind of oddly, I don't think I've ever felt this. I'm constantly surprised that people are attracted to me, but that's because I don't think I'm anything special rather than any active self-dislike.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:01 (twenty-two years ago)

i don't hate myself, i think i can be a nice person to be around, but i'm well aware of my destructive tendencies in relationships. i usually don't try to avoid relationships because of this, but give people a heads up at the start. which is similar, but different.

― colette (a2lette), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I never feel this.

If the person seems overly attentive to me I might think they are bizarre and obsessive but I never think I am lacking in confidence.

Because I am not.

Not to the point that I persue realtionships that are not helpful to me.

― Ask For Samantha (thatgirl), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:37 (twenty-two years ago)

btw i am drunk

― Ask For Samantha (thatgirl), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:38 (twenty-two years ago)

I also give people a heads up at the start, with graphs and stuff. It takes about three hours, with break in the middle. No one ever returns from the break :(

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:39 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah the break is the shit!!

(I have no idea what Andrew is talking about.)

― Ask For Samantha (thatgirl), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:41 (twenty-two years ago)

I also give people a heads up at the start, with graphs and stuff. It takes about three hours, with break in the middle. No one ever returns from the break

aw, poor andrew! i once sat someone down and tried to explain my weird relationship history by using ben & jerry's as a metaphor, and i don't think i've ever seen a boy so confused. "so are you saying i'm like mint chocolate cookie? is that a GOOD thing?"

― colette (a2lette), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I can be a bit like this - it is kind of a continuation of my argument never to have children as they will get 50% of my genetic makeup, and I am not that cruel.

― ___ (___), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:43 (twenty-two years ago)

I can be a bit like this - it is kind of a continuation of my argument never to have children as they will get 50% of my genetic makeup, and I am not that cruel.

'science' can really turn you against yourself

― anonymous2, Friday, 18 June 2004 10:46 (twenty-two years ago)

and remember that it's nice to have your life ruined once in a while anyway.

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah I dunno if I wanna have depressed bald kids sometimes but so many people think I'm better than like a child's Christmas in wherever that it mostly makes up for what I think of myself. I mean, why should I trust my opinion anyway?

― Andrew Blood Thames (Andrew Thames), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:49 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, leave the pretty children making to me! hand over your wives.

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, ken, though you can totally do that by yourself! (er, xpost)

Colette, if he didn't know whether mint chocolate chip was a good thing, it could never have lasted.

anonymous2, colette's first post is completely OTM. Tell them about this, and don't be worried if you feel you're not getting everything across: how you tell it is a very large part of the message. You've probably tested this conversation with the version of them inside your head a couple of time, but things outside your head, particularly other people, can still surprise you.

If you are determined that if they fully understood, they _must_ feel this way, you are doing them a considerable disrespect.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Friday, 18 June 2004 10:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Would anyone argue that some people really shouldn't be getting involved in relationships?

― N. (nickdastoor), Friday, 18 June 2004 11:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah. I would. But funnily enough, they're *never* the ones that actually experience these feelings of unworthiness...

― Apostrophe Catastrophe (kate), Friday, 18 June 2004 11:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Ah, so I shouldn't be in a relationship then? Well, I'm not, so that's a win all round or something.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Friday, 18 June 2004 11:04 (twenty-two years ago)

I was not aware that I'd ever been in a relationship with you, RickyT...

― Apostrophe Catastrophe (kate), Friday, 18 June 2004 11:05 (twenty-two years ago)

(Whoops, I left out, the "in my experience" in that post, but whatever. I'm not sure I feel like discussing this, because it's quite a tender area and so obviously open to misinterpretation.)

― Apostrophe Catastrophe (kate), Friday, 18 June 2004 11:06 (twenty-two years ago)

It can be the most annoying and patronising thing ever when at the (possible) start of a (possible) relationship, someone tries to give you a 'heads up'. (Though don't get me wrong Andrew and Collette, I get why people do it.)

I went out with a man at university (well several but this is a particular one) and practically the first thing he said to me in bed was 'don't expect me to commit or anything, I'm rubbish'. Excuse me?? YOU'RE the 31 year old man with a mortgage who's going to spend the day TILING. I'M the 19 year old slutty student with no responsibilities, and we've only just met. Why are you talking to me about commitment???

He was right though - after two months he fucked off with someone he met in Gran Canaria.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 18 June 2004 11:06 (twenty-two years ago)

To N: I think that there are times in people's lives WHEN they shouldn't get into a relationship. But few people who should NEVER have relationships. Except maybe serial killers.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 18 June 2004 11:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, Archel, the latter part of that is more the point I was trying to make, without naming names or describing experiences. Part of the actual psychosis is the inability to empathise with other people or accept responsibility for blame. Psychotics, who probably should not be in relationships at all, have an utter *absense* of this... feeling. Whatever it is. The same thing that actually makes the life of their partner such hell is the same thing that stops them from thinking that maybe they would make their partner's life hell.

I didn't explain that very well, but ah well.

― Apostrophe Catastrophe (kate), Friday, 18 June 2004 11:11 (twenty-two years ago)

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