wanking into a test tube in a laboratory room: classic or dud

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Oh man I have to do this on Friday, for complicated fertility reasons. Has anyone else ever had to do this? I'm worried that I won't be able to "perform" on cue.

― logged off for the purposes of this thread, Monday, 21 June 2004 15:04 (twenty-two years ago)

they give you porno mags. (I've heard)

― MarkH (MarkH), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:05 (twenty-two years ago)

sounds SEXY!

― Begs2Differ (Begs2Differ), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:07 (twenty-two years ago)

do they let you bring a 'blue peter'?

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Sounds UNSEXY to me. Yes I've heard about the porno mags. Think I'll buy my own though. An already soiled magazine would be just the thing to put me off my game. I don't know, the whole thing of turning up to a lab and being told by a nurse to lock myself in a room and have a wank - at the moment it's only inspiring limpness.

― logged off for the purposes of this thread, Monday, 21 June 2004 15:11 (twenty-two years ago)

perhaps your partner could, er, help you out a bit?

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Your business partner, that is.

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Damn, and I was hoping this thread was going to be about sexy scientists and would somehow involve Jeff Goldblum or something... ah well, sounds medical and complicated. Good luck with whatever complicated medical thing it is to do with!

― Apostrophe Catastrophe (kate), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Or your bridge partner.

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:14 (twenty-two years ago)

As far as I know my partner can't come in and "help me out". Yes the whole clinical aspect of it, plus some obscure humiliation thing of being told to go and wank, is what's getting to me. But what the fuck. It's hardly the worst thing in the world. It's going to be pretty shameful if I can't "produce" though.

― logged off for the purposes of this thread, Monday, 21 June 2004 15:18 (twenty-two years ago)

i think that's unnecessarily hard on (haha) yourself. lack of "production" is obviously such a problem that entire industries are devoted to it. sometimes things happen or don't happen; you needn't feel shame. particularly if presented with a test tube and a pr0n mag rather than supple, pouting flesh.

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:33 (twenty-two years ago)

i hear if you ask the right people they set you up with a Gloryhole.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:34 (twenty-two years ago)

I've done this. Well, almost. They let me take the test tube home with me, and I took it into the hospital shortly thereafter. It was pretty weird: 1/sitting on the bus alonside other passengers - "if only you knew what I have in here" 2/handing the, er, "specimen" over to the person in the lab. "here, have some of my SEMEN" (nb I didn't actually say any of that, but it did pass thru my mind, heh. You'll be ok, most likely.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:37 (twenty-two years ago)

If you find you can't do it, you might as well bail in the most spectacular manner possible. Tell the attendant that you can't perform unless the entire clinic does a kickline outside your room and chants "WHACK THAT MOLE! WHACK THAT MOLE!" Then claim that you need to be spanked by fishermen while eating a big bucket of fried chicken. Then ask if you can call your brother/father to act as a stand-in.

Now, keep these mental images in your head when you go in there. Hopefully they will be so ridiculous and amusing that they will distract you from the clinical detatchment that you fear will cause your performance anxiety and you'll be able to forget where you are and have fun.

(Perhaps you should not think of your father/brother, actually, because I just gave myself screaming horrors typing that.)

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:39 (twenty-two years ago)

somehow i knew this was a semen thread!

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Even the thought of fronting up to a newsagent's to buy a porn mag is kind of making me nervous, I've never actually done that before. Yeah, I imagine I'll be all right despite the bad vibes I'm feeling, I was just interested to know if anyone else had done it and how they felt about it. Thanks for sharing (so to speak), Pashmina.

― logged off for the purposes of this thread, Monday, 21 June 2004 15:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Funny, I get in trouble all the time for doing this un-invited.

― Michael White (Hereward), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:47 (twenty-two years ago)

dude you have the perfect chat up line on your hands (haha) here, "hi, i have to give a semen to a laboratory tomorrow would you mind coming (er haha) to help me extract the sample?"

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Your penis is not a complicated machine. Rub it. Things will happen.

― Huk-El (Horace Mann), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Speak for yourself, Huck. I've got about seven wang patents pending.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 21 June 2004 15:57 (twenty-two years ago)

http://img78.photobucket.com/albums/v296/WilliamCrump63/playguy1.jpg
http://img78.photobucket.com/albums/v296/WilliamCrump63/playguy2.jpg
http://img78.photobucket.com/albums/v296/WilliamCrump63/playguy3.jpg

― Rock Hardy (Rock Hardy), Monday, 21 June 2004 19:01 (twenty-two years ago)

wanking into anything anywhere = classic

― Skottie, Sunday, 27 June 2004 02:43 (twenty-one years ago)

who needs the magazine? "uh, yeah, can i just borrow his computer over there for a minute? don't worry, i won't spill on the keyboard."

― Kingfish of Burma (Kingfish), Monday, 28 June 2004 06:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeh, go in with your Airport-enabled Powerbook. You'll be fine.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Monday, 28 June 2004 06:32 (twenty-one years ago)

iJizz

― donut bitch (donut), Monday, 28 June 2004 07:50 (twenty-one years ago)

The deed was done. It was indeed something of a mind-fuck. Performance anxiety when you're having sex with another person is one thing... The doctor was pretty nice about it all and told me not to worry if I couldn't "do it" this time, that it was pretty common. I did think I might not be able to manage, the laboratory was pretty small with quite a few people milling about and I thought - Jesus, they're just going to stick me in a side room one door away from the madding crowd... but no, the rooms were way down in a basement, pretty well isolated. And yes, they do provide you with porn magazines. Fortunately, as I did make a failed feeble effort to buy my own - the newsagent was full of kids and I just couldn't bring myself to slap a porn mag down on the counter.

― logged off for the purposes of this thread, Monday, 28 June 2004 08:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Let me be the first to congratulate you!

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Monday, 28 June 2004 09:57 (twenty-one years ago)

Congratulations. No wash your hands.

― Skottie, Monday, 28 June 2004 12:39 (twenty-one years ago)

I have this great mental image of Skottie going up to shake Anon's hand and then having realization dawn and going "WOAH THERE..." with hands up and accompanying nervous "nonono" headshaking.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 28 June 2004 12:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Cross your palm with spunk, mister?

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Monday, 28 June 2004 13:03 (twenty-one years ago)

The deed was done. It was indeed something of a mind-fuck.

I'd have thought it to be more a hand-fuck?

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 28 June 2004 14:02 (twenty-one years ago)

This thread reaffirms my faith in humanity.

― Leeefuse 73 (Leee), Monday, 28 June 2004 23:01 (twenty-one years ago)

haha, i had to do this a few times before i got cancer treatment just in case, y'know.

i didnt have any problem, you just gotta do it and not think about it.

― todd swiss (eliti), Monday, 28 June 2004 23:15 (twenty-one years ago)

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