Am I being selfish?

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My cousin is having a 30th birthday party this Friday. We're good mates so he expects me to be there. But, I no longer speak to my mother (who will be there) and can't bear to be even in the same room as her. I won't go into why, but believe me, the distance I'm keeping is necessary to preserve my sanity. It goes very deep and it's still very raw and painful.

Anyway, most of my extended family know about this and I've missed a few parties and stuff recently. I've just spoken a few minutes ago to my cousin to apologise for not going and he sounds majorly pissed off with me. He said that the row has nothing to do with him so why am I making him suffer by not being there? While I did all I could to say that I didn't make this decision lightly and said I would go out with him on my own on another night to celebrate, he thinks I'm being incredibly selfish.

I actually feel really hurt because I've shown him huge support over the last year after his breakup with his partner and now, when I most need some understanding, he just thinks I'm being a complete bitch. I feel it's actually HE who's being selfish.

Am I wrong, is he right?

― sahara, Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Maybe neither of you are wrong.

Maybe you feel the way you feel, and he feels the way he feels, and neither of those things are invalid. If you feel you've made the right choice, stick by it, and try to make it up to him later when he has cooled down.

― Laura E (laurae55), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I have a similar situation with my mother.. as a result I pretty much lost contact with my nan (I didn't want to risk being in the same place as my mum).

My nan died 2 years ago and I was devastated.. she'd died without ever really getting to know me as a teenager or adult.

It's a tough situation, but if I could go back and change things I would have made sure that the problems with my mum didn't ruin my relationships with other members of the family.

Something to think about anyway.

― Bloodclaart Gangsta Youth Club (don), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:30 (twenty-two years ago)

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:31 (twenty-two years ago)

(to the original question, i mean)

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Ask him if he really wants you there if you're not going to enjoy it. Hopefully he will realise that there's no point you being there if you're going to be miserable - it will make other guests feel uncomfortable too maybe.

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes, exactly. And I know if I get a few drinks in, things could get ugly and I want to completely avoid that.

― sahara, Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:34 (twenty-two years ago)

I think you are acting selfishly since it's his bday and you turned the situation into being about you.

― mcd (mcd), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:34 (twenty-two years ago)

But it's out of deference to him also, that I'm not going. I don't want anything to detract from his night.

But I accept that some might find my actions selfish.

― sahara, Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:36 (twenty-two years ago)

having a birthday <> the right to make someone miserable

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Make an appearance and if you don't feel comfortable, leave quietly.

― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Under normal circumstances, that would be an excellent idea, Carey. But the thought of entering the same building as my mother is stressing me out ridiculously, so I won't be going.

I'm just so immersed in it, I can obviously only see it from my own point of view. I thought I might be put straight here! If anyone could say definitively that I am being impossibly selfish, I might have examined it again and perhaps put in an appearance despite my extreme anxiety about the whole thing.

― sahara, Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:52 (twenty-two years ago)

if it were your cousin's wedding i would suggest sucking it up and going. but dag. he presumably knows about your relationship with your mother. he presumably knows that being there with her would upset you. so it's shitty of him to lay a guilt trip on you for it.

alternate scenario: get drunk and crash it!

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Get drunk and make a scene. It'll be like "Secrets & Lies" or better yet "The Celebration." High drama! But a cathartic ending filling everyone at the party with a new sense of understanding.

― andy, Tuesday, 22 June 2004 17:58 (twenty-two years ago)

My mother would love that - she'd feel somehow vindicated I think.

Although the appeal of thrashing the joint in a pissed-up frenzy is most tempting.

Thanks mookie, I agree, the guilt think he's laying on me feels rotten.

― sahara, Tuesday, 22 June 2004 18:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Trashing could be good too!

― sahara, Tuesday, 22 June 2004 18:02 (twenty-two years ago)

You're doing the right thing IMO - you know you'd be uncomfortable, and your mother probably would - already a potentially incendiary situation. You don't want to possibly detract from your cousin's party, so staying home and going out with him another time is the best option.

His guilt trip IS rotten and he needs to get over it.

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 18:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Tell your cuz to be more understanding.

― I am not a mandible (Barima), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 18:04 (twenty-two years ago)

You could make alternate plans to see your cuz that weekend. (i.e. what luna said) (also you should've lied originally and just said you were tied up with something else that night.)

― bnw (bnw), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 18:10 (twenty-two years ago)

I know, I'm raging I didn't lie - although, because it's a family do, we knew well in advance and other plans were expected to be broken or not made in the first place. But my bro (who's also involved and no longer speaks to my mum either) just said yeah, he'd be there and he has no intention of showing up. He said if asked, he'll just say he was sick.

Cowardly git!

― sahara, Tuesday, 22 June 2004 18:14 (twenty-two years ago)

(haha bnw)

Have you considered reversing the guilt trip on your cousin? I realize it's not necessarily a mature or healthy way to resolve the situation, but maybe you could throw a "how would you feel if I made you go to something with your ex-partner" at him.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 18:14 (twenty-two years ago)

I did the 'jesus, I thought out of everyone, YOU'D understand' bit but obviously not to great effect.

― sahara, Tuesday, 22 June 2004 18:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think making him feel bad is going to help the situation at all. He probably just thought it would be nice to see you at his birthday party, there's no need to go guilt-tripping him because he feels disappointed.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 18:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually, maybe you're just best backing off for the moment. You can't/won't go, fair enough. Just avoid the event and your cuz for now, and get back to him when it's all over (but don't forget the card and present).

― I am not a mandible (Barima), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 18:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Sahara, you're not being selfish. It's your choice to particpate in events or not. If your relatives/friends don't like it, they can kiss your ass.

Never do things just because other people want you to.

― Ask For Samantha (thatgirl), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 05:06 (twenty-one years ago)

its only a birthday, and you are not being selfish by any means. tell him, you would have liked to have gone, obviously, but there is just no way. include him, by saying you really need his support on this one, its not easy for you etc, also ask if he would mind laying off the guilt trips a little, even if just for now

― charltonlido (gareth), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 05:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Never do things just because other people want you to.

I see no reason not to do something just to please someone else, so long as that something's negative effects on you are relatively insignificant.

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 06:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe explain top him exactly how seeing your mother would make you feel, and offer to see him another time. If he's too much of an asshole to see how important this is to you, then cut him off too (joke!).

― Markelby (Mark C), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 11:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Is there any way that you can get someone else on side who might get your mother to leave early and then you could come later after she's gone? I don't hold out a lot of hope for this suggestion - my mother never leaves a party until late - but it might be a workable compromise.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 11:45 (twenty-one years ago)

How about:

His issues with you not being there = one person of the several dozen I invited isn't here. That's a shame, she's neat.

Your isues with you not being there = OH MY GOD I AM SO PANICKED AND UNHAPPY AND MISERABLE AND HAVE TO FACE MY DARKEST WORRIES AND WILL BE UPSET FOR WEEKS AND MAY EVEN CAUSE A SCENE.

Make him realise this.

― Markelby (Mark C), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 11:51 (twenty-one years ago)

(These are essentially "guilt trip him back" suggestions with a big floppy bow on them, you know.)

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 12:36 (twenty-one years ago)

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