a hypothetical situation, ha ha

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Let's say that you and this person were sort of involved a fling-thing like, ten years ago. You were 16 and the person was 20. Your parents didn't approve and restricted things so you could never see this person. And your creepy older brother caught you kissing this person and made a big stink out of it that freaked you out.
So you pulled away from this person and then wondered why s/he didn't call you anymore. And you were really upset about this for over a year.
So you decide to get on with your life and your partner, who was with you the whole time and you, ah, cheated on with this other person, decides enough is enough and calls the 20-year-old and asks s/he to straighten things out with you so you can get on with your life.
So you sort of reconcile with this person but then s/he disappears again.

Cut to: now, ten years later. If this person called you up out of the blue to say hello and ask how you are and be all friends with you agian, would you be utterly and completely freaked out?

― don't ask, Monday, 28 June 2004 12:02 (twenty-two years ago)

nope, i'd just meet up and see how it all went face-to-face

― E.S.P (ipsofacto), Monday, 28 June 2004 12:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I would be freaked out, yes. But I'm freaked out when any random person from my past resurfaces.

How should you respond to that contact? Well, that depends on several things. Are you still with the partner you had 10 years ago? (Or indeed, do you have a partner at all?) If you are/do, it might be worth considering their feelings before deciding upon a course of action.

That said, I probably shouldn't assume that the other person is necessarily after sex or a continuation of the relationship. You have to consider whether this is a realistic goal or expectation on either of your parts before making any decision.

― He wants to be me (kate), Monday, 28 June 2004 12:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Between this and the wanking thread, I'm in love with the idea that the pseudonymous person could be giving themself advice later in the thread. Maybe they only started it to argue with themselves in public...

That said, I was the mystery 20 year old in this example when I started talking to one of my exes again. I'm sure she was freaked out.

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Monday, 28 June 2004 12:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm actually the 20 year old and I was thinking of looking this person up. I don't believe that relationship is still going on. And I am actually involved with someone, so it's not to rekindle the relationship, but I would like to resolve it and be friends again.
I'm not sure how this would be interpreted though and am hesitant to make contact because I don't want to freak him out. And I'm not sure if he haaaaaaaaaates me.

― don't ask, Monday, 28 June 2004 12:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Do you live near enough to each other that being friends actually has any meaning? Are you going to hang out? Do you feel you can both bring something to each other's lives nowadays? Or is it just a desire for closure? If the latter I would probably NOT get in contact, personally, because closure is a pretty elusive commodity at the best of times.

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 28 June 2004 13:07 (twenty-two years ago)

We live in different countries now. But he comes to Europe enough for it to be feasible for us to hang out from time to time.
I do want closure, or at least that last discussion to figure out what the hell happened to us. But I also want to be friends with him and see if we actually have things to bring to one another's lives now. part of the reason I suspect we couldn't quite get our shit together before was because we had a lot of growing up to do.

― don't ask, Monday, 28 June 2004 13:29 (twenty-two years ago)

In which case, Ms Ask, I'd do it. It worked for me when I did it, although we don't do much more than exchange emails.

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Monday, 28 June 2004 14:21 (twenty-two years ago)

I dunno; I'm not sure that closure really comes from seeing an ex lover, I think that closure is something that comes from something inside you. If you haven't got closure in 10 years, though, I dunno, it makes me think that something more is going on - like maybe you have this idealised vision of him as The "perfect" One and even he can't measure up to that.

I don't know, I'm not you. In some cases, you really can "lay the ghost" but in other cases it's really just asking for trouble.

If you do do it, don't expect closure or resolution. Expect a whole lot of weirdness.

― He wants to be me (kate), Monday, 28 June 2004 14:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I guess the real question I have is are we even still friends, or could we be. Because I would still like to be. When I found out he'd spent most of last summer wandering around Europe, including where I live, I thought it was really sad that we used to be so close and now when he's in my city he doesn't even know to look me up for a drink. And that I don't know if he even would.
Maybe I'm just getting stupidly nostalgic about the whole thing. If he hadn't been a former lover, I would have no qualms about this at all. But it may be picking scabs for him and I don't want to do that to him.
So I have no idea. but thanks for the comments.

― Ms Ask, Monday, 28 June 2004 16:30 (twenty-two years ago)

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